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Lazy boyfriend?


Molly0
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10 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

Yes he smokes weed which definitely affects his mental health which I know about. I didn't want him to be in pain and honestly I was fed up of him moaning and not doing anything about it. His mum told me to book it for him because he won't so I did. He has passed his theory test and has a car but can't spend the money on the actual test because he doesn't have any. 

Do you like this role in some odd way -you like that you're in control, the all powerful/all knowing one? Or are you afraid of being "alone" -do you like telling people you're in a relationship?  Do you feel it defines you/validates you?  

I have an almost 13 year old son -since he could understand what I was saying -like when he was 3 -I tell him almost every single time he whines "I do not hear whining."  I explained at the outset I wasn't ignoring him and if he wanted to speak normally we could speak.  But after that I would simply say "I don't hear whining" and walk away/keep my emotional distance (if I couldn't walk away).  I showed him my boundaries. 

I enforce my own boundaries to show him how I have self-respect I enforce- if at all possible -in a low key matter of fact way. (Doesn't always work....)

If you vent it out it shows you've probably been bottling up your lack of regard for self-respect and then you take it out on the other person- last straw.  But if you regularly enforce your boundaries in a quiet/matter of fact way the other person often will choose to respect your boundaries next time -or respect them more.

In your case it's the opposite -he keeps behaving in childish and thoughtless ways and you show him you'll take it.  So he simply keeps doing less and less and showing you less respect.  

Do you respect and admire this person? Does he inspire you in any way?  If no why are you with him -delve dee p into how you are benefiting.  

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28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you like this role in some odd way -you like that you're in control, the all powerful/all knowing one? Or are you afraid of being "alone" -do you like telling people you're in a relationship?  Do you feel it defines you/validates you?  

I have an almost 13 year old son -since he could understand what I was saying -like when he was 3 -I tell him almost every single time he whines "I do not hear whining."  I explained at the outset I wasn't ignoring him and if he wanted to speak normally we could speak.  But after that I would simply say "I don't hear whining" and walk away/keep my emotional distance (if I couldn't walk away).  I showed him my boundaries. 

I enforce my own boundaries to show him how I have self-respect I enforce- if at all possible -in a low key matter of fact way. (Doesn't always work....)

If you vent it out it shows you've probably been bottling up your lack of regard for self-respect and then you take it out on the other person- last straw.  But if you regularly enforce your boundaries in a quiet/matter of fact way the other person often will choose to respect your boundaries next time -or respect them more.

In your case it's the opposite -he keeps behaving in childish and thoughtless ways and you show him you'll take it.  So he simply keeps doing less and less and showing you less respect.  

Do you respect and admire this person? Does he inspire you in any way?  If no why are you with him -delve dee p into how you are benefiting.  

I love being in a relationship with him, he makes me feel so loved and I couldn't imagine being without him. I like looking after him but I also like being looked after. He can't drive so when we go for dinner or something, I still have to take us so it doesn't feel as special? I think that sounds petty. I respect him a lot but he is childish in certain things. I've done a lot and changed things to accommodate us but he doesn't. To me, doing something simple like doing his driving test, would mean the world to me because that would show that he's listening and is trying to help. And I've told him that so he knows. Maybe deep down he's not as serious about me as he says. I don't feel like a priority, I come after, xbox and weed I think. He's much better than he used to be, he's cut down and is better with his emotions but it's draining doing all these things and I know if I stop, the relationship might so I've kept these things going 

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4 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

I've done a lot and changed things to accommodate us but he doesn't. Maybe deep down he's not as serious about me as he says. I don't feel like a priority, I come after, xbox and weed I think. 

You seem to have insight into how unsatisfying it is to be with someone like this. The sooner you cut your losses the sooner you can find someone who respects you and treats you well.

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4 hours ago, Molly0 said:

I'm trying to help.

He's freakin' 30 years old. 

He shouldn't need this sort of "help." I would not be able to respect a grown man that behaves this way, let alone be attracted enough to have any sort of intimate relationship with him. 

Do you feel this is normal for a man his age? Because most 30-year-olds don't need their mommies or girlfriends to book dental appointments for them.  That is a huge red flag and it's merely an example of how immature and stunted he is. 

You are wasting your time here.

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5 hours ago, Molly0 said:

 He told me he's too comfortable and needs a push but I'm done pushing

There's your answer right there!  Stop pushing a 29 yr old big baby to do things.  If he wanted his teeth fixed that bad, he'd have done it.  He must like living in pain.  If he wanted to drive, he'd have gotten his license a long time ago.  You make it too easy for him to NOT do anything!  That's not caring, it's ENABLING.

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His mother is so happy you're taking over the mothering role.  She's probably tired of it.  Of course, she must have contributed to the way he is but that doesn't mean she isn't sick and tired of having to treat a grown man like a six year old.

3 hours ago, Molly0 said:

he makes me feel so loved

Sure, it's easy to be sweet when you have no responsibilities.  Also, he knows if he's TOO mean to you you'll stop paying for everything and driving him around and buying his weed for him (And yes you do, just because he spends HIS money on weed doesn't mean you aren't contributing.  If you didn't pay for things for him he'd have no money for weed. Think about that).

Imagine explaining to your parents and friends when they ask what he does for a living.  Or ask about him driving or any other common questions.  Do you want to say "Oh, he doesn't drive.  He doesn't have money to take the driving test because he spent it all on weed.  And we don't live together yet because he spent all his money on weed.  And we only go out if I pay because he spent all his money on weed plus he'd rather play video games.  I love him!!!"

Why should he "change"?  He has a sweet, sweet deal.  You drive him around, you give him money, you take care of his chores (I bet you do his laundry), so why would he ever want to change any of that?  All he has to do is smoke his joints and play video games while you work extra hours and drive him around everywhere.  He has zero reason to change anything.

If this is how you want the rest of your life to be then sure, stay with him because you "love him".  

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

His mother is so happy you're taking over the mothering role.  She's probably tired of it.  Of course, she must have contributed to the way he is but that doesn't mean she isn't sick and tired of having to treat a grown man like a six year old.

Sure, it's easy to be sweet when you have no responsibilities.  Also, he knows if he's TOO mean to you you'll stop paying for everything and driving him around and buying his weed for him (And yes you do, just because he spends HIS money on weed doesn't mean you aren't contributing.  If you didn't pay for things for him he'd have no money for weed. Think about that).

Imagine explaining to your parents and friends when they ask what he does for a living.  Or ask about him driving or any other common questions.  Do you want to say "Oh, he doesn't drive.  He doesn't have money to take the driving test because he spent it all on weed.  And we don't live together yet because he spent all his money on weed.  And we only go out if I pay because he spent all his money on weed plus he'd rather play video games.  I love him!!!"

Why should he "change"?  He has a sweet, sweet deal.  You drive him around, you give him money, you take care of his chores (I bet you do his laundry), so why would he ever want to change any of that?  All he has to do is smoke his joints and play video games while you work extra hours and drive him around everywhere.  He has zero reason to change anything.

If this is how you want the rest of your life to be then sure, stay with him because you "love him".  

He has a job and I now know how much he earns so I literally don't understand where it all goes? He makes more than me, doesn't pay for tax/insurance on a car like I do so how is it he runs out so fast?? I don't want to do any of these things but it's become normal now, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't know what my options are, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know what to do 

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Just now, Molly0 said:

He has a job and I now know how much he earns so I literally don't understand where it all goes? He makes more than me, doesn't pay for tax/insurance on a car like I do so how is it he runs out so fast?? I don't want to do any of these things but it's become normal now, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't know what my options are, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know what to do 

I can tell you where the money goes but you won't want to hear it.

He's probably using more than just weed.

Your options are this:   continue on as you are, realize you'll have to pay for everything, drive him around, take care of him as though he's a six year old child and if (God forbid) you have any children, realize you'll pay for everything for them and raise them completely on your own, and will need to pay for child care because you can't trust a stoner to be responsible enough to keep an eye on them.  OR, break up and feel the freedom of no longer having to be 110% responsible for a grown freaking man, and be able to meet a man who actually takes care of his own business, drives, isn't high all the time and will treat you with loving respect.

Which option sounds like the future you really want?

Yeah, yeah, you "love him!!!"  But love isn't supposed to be a life prison sentence.  It's supposed to be uplifting, bringing you joy and a feeling of secure contentment.  

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18 hours ago, Molly0 said:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years. He mentioned moving in together and said we should look at places. So we started saving and I've now found it he never started saving and he spent all his money. He's never been taught money management and he know wants to wait until he's in the right head space to save. He's mentally lazy with a lot of things, I have to book his appointments (dentists etc) otherwise he won't do it. He doesn't drive so I'm his taxi, he was supposed to book lessons but he never did. It's driving me crazy because I love him to bits and I don't know what to do next. I've spoken to him many times and he always says he'll work on it. Please help, what can I do?

Stop waiting for him to be someone he's not.  One's temperament and personality doesn't change.  Neither does their attitude towards money.

What you have is standing right in front of.  You get to decide whether or not you want a lifetime of this.

Edited by reinventmyself
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6 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

He has a job and I now know how much he earns so I literally don't understand where it all goes? He makes more than me, doesn't pay for tax/insurance on a car like I do so how is it he runs out so fast?? I don't want to do any of these things but it's become normal now, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't know what my options are, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know what to do 

Egad this isn't your fault, this is how he is as a person. His mom is probably relieved that you are dealing with his nonsense instead of her. You are a frickin doormat. Stop it!

Edited by smackie9
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43 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

How is this possibly your fault?   You loved him and wanted to believe the best. 

You know what you have to do.  You make a choice.

A lot of people are are saying I'm controlling and enabling so I'm confused, I don't know if I'm just a horrible person and this is karma maybe 

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2 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

A lot of people are are saying I'm controlling and enabling so I'm confused, I don't know if I'm just a horrible person and this is karma maybe 

Don't go there and indulge in beating yourself up - that's not the way to learn and grow.  IMO you are acting in a controlling and enabling way with respect to your boyfriend.  That does not make you a horrible person or a bad person.  You are a person making choices that are inconsistent with being in a healthful relationship.  What benefits do you get out of being with him other than "but I love him"

And karma is about things happening to you out of your control -being a victim or on the opposite end being the recipient of good fortune.  Nothing to do with that here -you are making choices and I would examine those choices if I were you.

Edited by Batya33
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15 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

A lot of people are are saying I'm controlling and enabling so I'm confused, I don't know if I'm just a horrible person and this is karma maybe 

No, I don't think that's what they are saying.  I think we've all been there.

You had good intentions and thought you were trying to be supportive.  Making this about you is just your emotions tricking yourself into not holding him accountable.  If you hold him accountable, then you have to make a difficult choice.

But it's now all coming together, that your help may actually be nothing more than enabling.  It's a common lesson a lot of us learn.  Especially when we are younger. 

What you just shared reflects your ability to just begin to see this for what it is.   It's a difficult thing to admit when your heart is involved. You're hopeful and invested.  Wanting the best in someone doesn't make you horrible.  It makes you very normal.

What you end up learning from this is that you need to step back and merely observe.  You can certainly share with him how all of this feels for you and affects how you feel about him and the future of the relationship.  But change comes from him.  Practice a hands off approach and pay close attention to what he does.  You will have your answer.

Edited by reinventmyself
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5 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

No, I don't think that's what they are saying.  I think we've all been there.  You had good intentions and thought you were trying to be supportive.  Making his about you is just your emotions tricking yourself into not holding him accountable.  If you hold him accountable, then you have to make a difficult choice.

But it's now all coming together, that your help may actually be nothing more than enabling.  It's a common lesson a lot of us learn.  Especially when we are younger.  What you just shared reflects your ability to begin to see this for what it is.   It's a difficult thing to admit when your heart is involved. You're hopeful and have invested your valuable time.  Wanting the best in someone doesn't make you horrible.  It makes you very normal.

What you end up learning from this is that you need to step back and merely observe.  You can certainly share with him how all of this feels for you and affects how you feel about him and the future of the relationship.  But change comes from him.  Practice a hands off approach and pay close attention to what he does.  You will have your answer.

Thank you, this was the most helpful comment. Now I'm not sure if I should talk to him about all this or just step back, not say anything and see what happens? Thank you again, I appreciate all the help. I definitely needed this 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I can tell you where the money goes but you won't want to hear it.

He's probably using more than just weed.

Your options are this:   continue on as you are, realize you'll have to pay for everything, drive him around, take care of him as though he's a six year old child and if (God forbid) you have any children, realize you'll pay for everything for them and raise them completely on your own, and will need to pay for child care because you can't trust a stoner to be responsible enough to keep an eye on them.  OR, break up and feel the freedom of no longer having to be 110% responsible for a grown freaking man, and be able to meet a man who actually takes care of his own business, drives, isn't high all the time and will treat you with loving respect.

Which option sounds like the future you really want?

Yeah, yeah, you "love him!!!"  But love isn't supposed to be a life prison sentence.  It's supposed to be uplifting, bringing you joy and a feeling of secure contentment.  

Thank you, this was helpful. I didn't even think about if he was using other drugs. He's told me he has in the past but only at parties etc. Sometimes I feel like I have a child already, I feel horrible talking about him like this but I don't have anyone close enough to talk to about all this. I 100% with what you've said, I'm just a bit scared of what to do next. I need to have a serious think, thank you again. If you have anymore advice, please keep it coming 

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4 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

Thank you, this was the most helpful comment. Now I'm not sure if I should talk to him about all this or just step back, not say anything and see what happens? Thank you again, I appreciate all the help. I definitely needed this 

You've already talked to him multiple times.

I don't think you should announce "From now on I'm going to stop doing all these parenting type things for you.  I'm just going to step back and observe what you do if I stop".  Because he'll step up just long enough for you to think he's "changed", then he'll go right back to being the child he always has been.

I would just step back.  If he asks, tell him you realize you've been overstepping and you think you've been controlling.  And that you think it's good for the both of you to scale back.  See how he reacts to that.

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12 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

Thank you, this was the most helpful comment. Now I'm not sure if I should talk to him about all this or just step back, not say anything and see what happens? Thank you again, I appreciate all the help. I definitely needed this 

I personally would speak up.  Expect to get a lot of promises and double talk.  But speaking up for yourself is empowering.  And if it ultimately never changes, you can look back knowing you did everything you could do asking for change.

But don't make the mistake of waiting too long waiting for change.  Speak from your heart and decide for yourself how long you are willing to wait for changes.  (he doesn't need to know this)  I might give it a month and if I don't see any actions to work towards improvement you can then be assured that the situation is hopeless and save yourself from looking back and second guessing that maybe you could have done more.

I will tell you from experience that his being lazy, unproductive and his attitude about money will very, very likely never turn around.   People are born with certain temperaments and the environment they grew up in reinforced that.  He isn't suddenly going to do a 180 and be someone entirely different.

This IS who he is.  Learn this lesson now and take it with you.  It will serve you well and save you a lot of valuable time in the future.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I would leave.  Stop talking.  It's highly unlikely he is going to change.  Do you want a family someday? Do you think he'd make a good father? Please don't waste your best years on parenting a child and calling it a romantic relationship. You can step back but then also cut all financial help and help with your  time as far as acting like his secretary or personal assistant.  Time is money too.  

Edited to add -I like also Reinvent's suggestion of giving it a month.  If in a month he is not showing you -without you prodding him - that he is diligently saving money, adulting as far as his responsibilities, telling you -again without you prodding -his plans as far as living together and saving $ for rent, etc, and not using drugs, etc then that -and nothing less! -would be progress.

What is it that you are scared of?

Edited by Batya33
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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would leave.  Stop talking.  It's highly unlikely he is going to change.  Do you want a family someday? Do you think he'd make a good father? Please don't waste your best years on parenting a child and calling it a romantic relationship. You can step back but then also cut all financial help and help with your  time as far as acting like his secretary or personal assistant.  Time is money too.  

What is it that you are scared of?

I'm not sure what I want yet, I'm mainly occupied by my job at the minute but I want to move out soon and take the next few steps in life and I know he's not at that stage yet. Or he is, maybe just not with me? I've always been cheated on/broken up with so I've never had a say in what happens next. I've never been in the situation where the relationships future is basically in my hands. I'm not very good under pressure, I've literally felt sick all day reading all these messages. I feel guilty for asking for help 

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1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

 . .and anticipated little temporary changes, meant to appease you.  But they are also rarely lasting changes.

Thank you for your help, I've definitely been through this in the past 

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1 minute ago, Molly0 said:

Thank you for your help, I've definitely been through this in the past 

So you're consistently choosing to have relationships with men who cause you anxiety, who cause you to doubt yourself, who cause you to feel insecure and scared and "sick".

Why do you think that is?

3 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

I've always been cheated on/broken up with so I've never had a say in what happens next.

Why did you not have a "say"?  Someone treats you poorly, you leave them.  No, you can't turn off your emotions on a dime but you surely don't have to stay in relationships where you're not being treated as an equal partner or where you're not being treated with respect.

Do you have some kind of fear of being "alone"?  If so, what exactly are you afraid of?

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3 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

I'm not sure what I want yet, I'm mainly occupied by my job at the minute but I want to move out soon and take the next few steps in life and I know he's not at that stage yet. Or he is, maybe just not with me? I've always been cheated on/broken up with so I've never had a say in what happens next. I've never been in the situation where the relationships future is basically in my hands. I'm not very good under pressure, I've literally felt sick all day reading all these messages. I feel guilty for asking for help 

I get you.  This is great opportunity for you to learn that you have a voice and you have what it takes to act on your own behalf.   It will likely be scary and foreign to you, but it is what self esteem is built of.  You can come out the other side feeling empowered.  

Believe you deserve better.

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To be honest he’s made it this far in life and has a steady job, he will be fine.

You mentioned he earns more, so he must be doing alright with his skills and experience, or is he skipping work and about to be demoted or fired because he has an addiction and can’t handle his professional requirements?

I wouldn’t berate him. He can pay his own bills, seems to have a decent job, I’d focus on other things.

 

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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