Confused about his feelings for me

[hapee2bme]

I (f55) met a very nice man (m57) on a dating app for over 50 singles 9 months ago. We texted for a month, met in person, went on several dates including one another's homes, and began spending every weekend together (-two weekends I spent with my family during the summer) at his home (I stay in his guest room). We have spent weekends away together sharing a room w/ separate beds, celebrated our birthdays and Thanksgiving together, etc. We have plans to spend Christmas together too. I know he has told his family and friends about me and often sends them messages while we are out together. When we were first getting to know one another I expressed that affection was important to me, and he said it was for him too. I hugged him first and now we hug when we part and have a couple times when we have been to visit special places. He holds my hand at least once every weekend and has held it when we have gone to theater events. When I have talked to him in the past about us, he holds my hand. We text throughout the day and have not missed a good morning or good night since we met. He includes heart, heart eyes, and kiss emojis in his texts to me with hearts being the most frequent. We can't see each other during the week because of distance and work. He calls me at least two evenings and sometimes three during the week. We spend at least an hour talking before saying good bye.

I have shared what I think about him and how I feel about him. I have asked him what he thinks about me and how he feels about me. He told me what he thinks of me (all good) and said he really likes me a lot. I have asked if he sees me and wants me to be part of his future, and he said he does. I know he thinks that people should treat the special person in their lives well and do the work necessary for a healthy relationship. I know his ex hurt him. He said he is ready to move on and leave his relationship with her behind him. 

My confusion stems from the fact that he has not made any attempt to kiss me. None that I can perceive that is. Only a few times has he brought up the subject of our relationship including sharing information about his marriage. I have only been in two serious relationships-one was abusive and the other used me to support him so he could spend time on his hobbies. At first I thought he was worried about Covid, but during one of our conversations we both said neither of us were worried about it with the other. I've read on other sites I should just kiss him. However, when I move close to him he very often back away. And, it has been so long I feel very awkward. I care about him very much. I love him. Now I am worried I have let myself develop deep feelings for someone who may not want to be physically intimate with me. 

Sorry this is so long. I think just getting this on virtual paper has been helpful.

I would really appreciate any insight. I feel foolish having to ask given my age, but I was married and had three children by the time I was 24, so I don't have any past experience really.

[Capricorn3]

Going by the way you describe the situation, I can't help but get the impression that you're way more into him than he is into you.  It's like he sees you more as a friend. A companion. Someone to hang out with, but not in a romantic way.  I could be wrong of course, but that's how it comes across to me.

You need to decide if you can accept this as a friendship only, or if you should move on.  If you're looking for a romantic partner, I don't think this is the guy.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Going by the way you describe the situation, I can't help but get the impression that you're way more into him than he is into you.  It's like he sees you more as a friend. A companion. Someone to hang out with, but not in a romantic way.  I could be wrong of course, but that's how it comes across to me.

You need to decide if you can accept this as a friendship only, or if you should move on.  If you're looking for a romantic partner, I don't think this is the guy.

I agree.  I cannot think of any heterosexual man who would not desire to kiss, and try to kiss a woman he was dating for all this time -or even for more than a couple of dates/couple of weeks unless it was a religious restriction which it doesn't sound like it is.  I can buy someone wanting to wait for marriage for sex (I guess, even in their 50s) but I think the simple reason is he is not attracted to you sexually and doesn't want to kiss you.  It sounds like an unhealthy/imbalanced way to interact.  i'm sorry.

[Tinydance]

Well I don't think that you should feel foolish in the sense that you met a nice man that you liked and you were trying to give him a really good chance. You wanted to get to know him more and see where it went, so I don't think you did anything wrong.

The problem is that it's already been nine months, which is a pretty long time to be "dating". I'm not sure what country or culture you're from or whether he's religious or both of you are. In Western culture I think it would be extremely unlikely that after nine months of dating and seeing each other and talking all the time, the man would want the woman he's dating to sleep in a separate room  or a separate bed. Why would he want to do that with someone he supposedly really likes and sees a future with?

I think in the very least, even if he was religious or traditional, he would want to kiss and show a lot more affection than that. To be honest hugging and holding hands sometimes seems more like friendship. With someone you date, there should be a lot of affection. Like holding hands when you're walking around out in public, him putting his arms around you, putting arms around your waist, you lying down in his lap on the couch, etc. I'm not even saying it's sexual necessarily but when someone is really into the person they're dating, they "can't keep their hands" off that person. And after nine months there should be desire on his part even to have sex by now. These are all just natural feelings to feel but he backs away when you try to kiss him? I'm sorry but I think that really doesn't sound good and it's a real concern.

I know you said you don't have much experience with the actual dating process and meeting new people. So I understand if you're just not sure what are the right time framing at which a relationship should progress and so on. I'm sorry but from everything you wrote, it doesn't really sound like this is actually going anywhere romantic. He doesn't have any excuse for not wanting to at least kiss you. Unless he's religious or very traditional and you have to wait for marriage to do those things. But if that actually was the case then after nine months he should already know how he feels about you and whether he would want to marry you, if marriage had to be the final outcome. 

There are also some people who are asexual and they still want to have emotional relationships with people and have companionship, but they feel no desire to have sex. However not every asexual person even 100% wants no physical intimacy. I actually know a couple of asexual people and have read about it. From what I understand, being asexual is on a spectrum. Some people who are asexual still want physical affection like kissing and cuddling, but it's just the sex they're not really into. But I think even some asexual people may occasionally want to have sex but their sex drive is just low. This is if this man actually WAS asexual. Being asexual is quite rare so I think the chance of him being asexual is actually not that high.

Considering you were on that dating app for dating and you love this man, I think it's really going to hurt you if things go on the way they do. You want a relationship so if this man only wants to be your friend then he needs to stop leading you on. Personally I would feel quite offended if the man I'd been dating for nine months made me sleep in a separate bed or separate room. Fair enough if he wanted to wait for sex but if they don't even want you in the same room then what's the point. I don't know about you but I have a lot of friends and I don't go on dating websites just to find a buddy. Unless someone is 100% into me and being with me then it's buh bye lol

 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, hapee2bme said:

Now I am worried I have let myself develop deep feelings for someone who may not want to be physically intimate with me. 

He may be just as rusty as you are. 

Why not lead? Kiss him and see how it goes. Don’t talk so much. 

[limichelle]

I agree with everything Tinydance said. I would imagine by now this guy would be more direct with affection and assertive with his romantic intentions. 
I know this because in my past I dated a guy that was similar to the guy you’re dating. My problem was in which I hope you don’t face, is that I wasted my time trying to be ‘patient.’ I was thinking it was a nice change of pace, a guy not being overly sexual and actually wanting to build something with me. So I went with it. But I was fooling myself. We dated a year and a half and I said “ enough.” There’s only so long you can go without affection.
 

You May be caught up in how nice he is and how much of a gentleman he’s being. So you perceive his lack of intimacy as good intention.  
What you probably need is a good balance like we all do. Someone kind and attentive and wanting to build up a friendship in the relationship. Not too quick to have sex and just bail! But you also need the guy to be sexually interested and romantically interested. 
 

To be honest I’m still trying to find that. It’s either the person is overall sexually charged. Or they just want to have a friend to go do things with. So I can’t give you advice on how to find this person. 

All I can advise you on is not wasting anymore time trying to get intimacy where it’s not being given.

 

[MissCanuck]

For me, this would be my sign that this man is not for me.

Months and dating and not even a kiss? There is no sexual chemistry and I would not waste my time trying to coax it out of man at his age.

I would move on. 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, hapee2bme said:

II stay in his guest room. We have spent weekends away together sharing a room w/ separate beds, 

Do either of you have health issues? What's up with no intimacy after 9 mos.? 

Does he drink or have ED? Is he covering for not being straight? 

Obviously this is just a friendship with sleepovers. It may offer companionship, but if you are looking for a romantic relationship, this is not it.

You've already talked to him about it. Stop the sexless sleepovers. Treat him as a friend, not as a romantic relationship.

Get back on the dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Since this is a platonic friendship obviously you're not exclusive so you can date men to find a romantic relationship.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

There are also some people who are asexual and they still want to have emotional relationships with people and have companionship, but they feel no desire to have sex. However not every asexual person even 100% wants no physical intimacy. I actually know a couple of asexual people and have read about it. From what I understand, being asexual is on a spectrum. Some people who are asexual still want physical affection like kissing and cuddling, but it's just the sex they're not really into. But I think even some asexual people may occasionally want to have sex but their sex drive is just low. This is if this man actually WAS asexual. Being asexual is quite rare so I think the chance of him being asexual is actually not that high.

I would think at his age and stage in life he'd know if he was now asexual and be up front about this before dating for 9 months.  I have a friend who is divorced and now asexual.  She didn't realize it when she dated after her divorce -she dated a man for 7 years (they were in their late 40s at the beginning) -they had sex regularly.  And pretty soon after meeting.  She was attracted to him and didn't particularly enjoy being sexual but didn't know why.  Now she realizes. (But all along she still wanted to be affectionate with him and she still had sex with him).

So yes it might be worth a talk -an awkward one- as far as whether he believes he is now asexual or having issues or whether it's personal to her.  

[DancingFool]

13 hours ago, hapee2bme said:

I know his ex hurt him. He said he is ready to move on and leave his relationship with her behind him. 

^What does this mean? Is he still with someone else, in the process of divorce, or parted ways but still in love with his ex?

It's exceedingly strange to be spending so much time together and yet sleep in separate beds, OP. Especially 9 months in. Who is driving this choice, you or him? Even more strange that you've traveled together, shared a room and even that didn't encourage intimacy and you slept in separate beds. That is beyond abnormal.

I think it's time for you to step away from the "he is so nice" narrative and start looking at his actions. What you are describing is more platonic companionship than anything else. Also, please don't tell someone what you want, rather observe what they offer when you start dating. You said to him that you are affectionate, buuuuut....you aren't living that are you? In fact you are settling for scraps of an occasional hug and maybe holding hands here and there. Meanwhile he doesn't seem physically interested or able to meet your needs for whatever reason and you've wasted 9 months on that.

I don't think at this point that you should suddenly throw yourself at him. It's kind hard for me to understand how you've kept up this platonic dynamic this long and never brought up the lack of intimacy. I guess you can still bring it up since you've know him so long and hear what he has to say. Other than that, I'd say read the writing on the wall and accept that what you've seen for 9 months is what he is like and if an asexual relationship is not your cup of tea, end this or keep it for what it is - a friendship - and start actually dating men who are interested in you romantically and desire intimacy.

[smackie9]

Wow you have patience of a saint...me, he wouldn't last past the third date.

[boltnrun]

I had to kiss my husband the first time. But after that he was all about being physically intimate (which was great!). 

If I had tried to kiss him and he repeatedly pulled away we never would have continued dating.

It's up to you what you truly want; a platonic companion or a romantic love relationship.

[reinventmyself]

It certainly wasn't 9 months, but after 5 dates and no kiss, I called my now bf and cancelled an upcoming date.  I told him though I really liked him, I had plenty of friends and I wasn't on a dating website looking for more. (I put it more delicately, of course) 

I didn't say this- but my thought process was that I wasn't going to give up every Saturday night to someone who wasn't looking for the same thing I was.

He was driving at the time and asked me to hold on while he pulled over.  He told me he liked me very much, but I somehow intimated him a bit and he couldn't really get a good read on me.  After chatting for about 20 mins on the side of the road, we decided to keep the date.  Date 6, I finally got a kiss.  We are still together 4+ years.  We laugh about it now.

Having said this, unless there is something in this platonic arrangement for you (and there is nothing wrong with that)  I would personally be very direct about what I am looking for.  It's waaay past the time that you speak up.   It isn't that you are necessarily asking anything from him.  You are stating who you are and what you want out of life.  You need to view your time as very valuable and you are possibly investing in something that isn't going to go anywhere.  After 9 months you have likely become attached and are holding out for some return for your investment.  How are going to feel if he isn't on the same page after all of this time?

[lostandhurt]

This is the strange part of humanity that affects all of us which is FEAR

  We get so hung up or afraid to ask what we really want to ask the other person in our lives we will literally allow a relationship to degrade to a point where finally asking the question comes to late.  Is it to late for you?  I don't think so.

The question in your case of course is:  "Why haven't we kissed or had any form of physical intimacy yet?"  Tough to bring up sure but what is the alternative?  Another several months of wondering followed by your insecurities building to the point of it all coming out in frustration and anger.

  It sounds like you communicate wonderfully so it is time to be brave and ask him face to face. 

  Just asking the question does not change the answer, it only serves to let you know what his truth is instead of wondering.  You know what his favorite color is because he told you but it didn't change from some other color just because you asked did it?  Same goes here.

  Fear of the answer is the biggest hurdle most of us have to asking a tough question.

Please remember this:  Fear of the unknown is many times greater than what truth or reality actually are...

  Be brave, be strong and ask him

Lost

[catfeeder]

On 12/17/2021 at 11:58 AM, lostandhurt said:

"Why haven't we kissed or had any form of physical intimacy yet?" 

Ding! Ding! Ding! DinG!

The problem for me would be less about where I stand with this guy and more about why I'd commit this much of my time to someone with whom I feel discomfort speaking openly.

I believe in pre-date (first meeting) or first date disclosure about my own agenda and reasons for dating: I'm seeking simpatico and eventually a committed relationship with someone who 'gets me' and is willing to share intimate parts of himself and his life with me, just as I'm willing to do.

I'd ask questions and listen and learn early whether he's dating for the same reasons as me, and whether he's a possible match for me--or not. If not, I'd enjoy the rest of our date, but it would be our last, as I don't believe in trying to 'convert' anyone. 

If I'm dating someone who's agenda aligns with mine, then do we enjoy 'simpatico?' If not, that's another dealbreaker for me. If so, then open communication would be continual and include subjects such as our dating likes and dislikes, who pays and reciprocity, feelings on affection and sex and our internal timelines or standards for degrees of intimacy, feelings on controversial things like religion and politics, needs for alone time, family and social life and comfort with including another in those areas--and when. 

None of these subjects would be off limits. So finding yourself in a rigidly distanced companionship with someone makes no sense. RAISE THE SUBJECTS YOU WONDER ABOUT. 

If you believe that this relationship is too fragile for that, then what should that tell you?

Head high, we all learn through living.

 

[waffle]

On 12/16/2021 at 7:44 PM, hapee2bme said:

I've read on other sites I should just kiss him. However, when I move close to him he very often back away.

There's your answer.  There is literally nothing else you need to know.