20 year Old Still Living at Home

[lonelyandblue]

I never expected my daughter to still be here as she so animatedly expressed to me many times that she would be out as soon as she was 18.

But here, she just turned 20. She goes to college, does not contribute to the house through either chores consistently or rent and she does not work. We bicker a lot and I can't help but believe it is time for her to grow up. How do I make this happen???

I feel inadequate as a parent because things haven't worked out as she hasn't matured along with her peers...... I encouraged her and helped her write a resume. Bought books explaining adulting and leases, etc.... 

What can I do???

[Seraphim]

Most people at 20 here don’t leave home. Rents are far far too high. Where I live even to rent a one bedroom apartment is about $1700 a month , +1st and last months rent and security deposit. To buy house is about 780,000 to 1.5 million. 
 

What are rents like where you are ? 
 

My son lives at home at 24 but has a disability, he has however paid a small amount of rent every month since he was 18 and pays his own cell phone . 

[lonelyandblue]

That has been a concern of mine is rents, but she refuses to get a job to help herself, save, and you know meet people, socialize. Rents can be from $900 for a two bedroom thru $1300.

I understand the struggle so I try to understand but she is a hurricane around the house and doesn't pick up after herself and doesn't have respect for me....

I try to set terms for chores and general attitude and she argues and throws nasty fits....it's not pretty and I am sad because I guess I set a poor example or something.......

[Seraphim]

Was there a lot of instability in her upbringing ?

[MsAin1st]

Time to call a family meeting and outline some new expectations. It would be good to have a “contract” typed up that she can agree to and sign. If she doesn’t want to, then she can move along. She’s an adult and needs to be treated like one. 

My parents gave us the choice to live at home during college or to move out. If we chose to live at home we were expected to help with the house chores and have a part time job. They didn’t charge us rent but we had to be actively putting money into a savings account. We also had to follow basic house rules and give an approximate time we’d be returning from an evening out (that helped cut down on the worrying). 

[melancholy123]

My son was at home til about 22 and he was in college a lot of that time and came home when school ended.  He was a slob in his own room and I used to get on him to tidy up but he just didnt care if it was a mess.  So along as his door was closed I didnt care.  He did pick up after himself in the rest of the house as he knew he had to.

We had our battles about chores like mowing the lawn, shovelling snow etc and he learned he had to do it as part of being in the family.  He learned to do his own laundry at 13 and was good about that.

I suggest you sit your kid down and tell her as long as she does not have a job she needs to contribute to the household by doing X chores.  Give her a list, tidy up, vacuum, wash dishes or load or unload the dishwasher, do her own laundry.  Whatever you think is reasonable.  Point out she can help out or she can leave.  My son did nothing after a return from college and about a month into his laziness I said get a job or go back to school.  He signed up for another college course.

You are supposed to be in charge here, not her.  Develop a backbone and assign some chores along with consequences if they aren't done.

[lonelyandblue]

Thank you. I wasn't parented and did my best but admit that I lost some "tools" what have you in the teen years and my personal fault of hating arguments. 

Also what I see is I spoiled and did not instill chores early on enough and I thought I was strict but now I see where I missed and not strict enough.

As far as instability, A little but not a lot. I really tried to have stability for her. She is very well adjusted for the most part, but now I see more clearly my faults and also the places where I need to place correction with her.

[lonelyandblue]

7 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

My son was at home til about 22 and he was in college a lot of that time and came home when school ended.  He was a slob in his own room and I used to get on him to tidy up but he just didnt care if it was a mess.  So along as his door was closed I didnt care.  He did pick up after himself in the rest of the house as he knew he had to.

We had our battles about chores like mowing the lawn, shovelling snow etc and he learned he had to do it as part of being in the family.  He learned to do his own laundry at 13 and was good about that.

I suggest you sit your kid down and tell her as long as she does not have a job she needs to contribute to the household by doing X chores.  Give her a list, tidy up, vacuum, wash dishes or load or unload the dishwasher, do her own laundry.  Whatever you think is reasonable.  Point out she can help out or she can leave.  My son did nothing after a return from college and about a month into his laziness I said get a job or go back to school.  He signed up for another college course.

You are supposed to be in charge here, not her.  Develop a backbone and assign some chores along with consequences if they aren't done.

Thank you

 

[lonelyandblue]

11 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Time to call a family meeting and outline some new expectations. It would be good to have a “contract” typed up that she can agree to and sign. If she doesn’t want to, then she can move along. She’s an adult and needs to be treated like one. 

My parents gave us the choice to live at home during college or to move out. If we chose to live at home we were expected to help with the house chores and have a part time job. They didn’t charge us rent but we had to be actively putting money into a savings account. We also had to follow basic house rules and give an approximate time we’d be returning from an evening out (that helped cut down on the worrying). 

Thank you

[lonelyandblue]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Most people at 20 here don’t leave home. Rents are far far too high. Where I live even to rent a one bedroom apartment is about $1700 a month , +1st and last months rent and security deposit. To buy house is about 780,000 to 1.5 million. 
 

What are rents like where you are ? 
 

My son lives at home at 24 but has a disability, he has however paid a small amount of rent every month since he was 18 and pays his own cell phone . 

Thank you

[Seraphim]

My son does whatever chore I ask but due to his disability doesn’t see what needs doing you need to ask every time but he willingly does it. He washes his own clothes and doesn’t leave his things all over the common areas of the house . I was pretty strict about being respected from the time he was small. 
 

I ask what he is able to do, loading and unloading the dishwasher, some outside chores, cooking now and again. We taught him the importance of paying your bills on time every time. How to bank, how to grocery shop. He did 2.5 years of college starting when he was 17. 
 

College or university is very important in this day and age you are not going to get a job worth a hill of beans without it. And if you don’t you finish will be living at home forever. But that doesn’t mean she can’t participate in keeping the house clean. But just realize college is more important than having an apartment at 20. Because if she doesn’t finish college she won’t even have an apartment at 50. 

[Cherylyn]

Stop at the wallet level meaning don't buy the food she likes, clothing, cell phone bill and any expenses every month, don't wash her laundry, etc.  Perhaps tightening the reigns will grab her attention.  Then have the discussion regarding her share of responsibilities and pulling her weight in the household. 

[Rose Mosse]

How is she doing in school? Is she doing well? Are you paying her tuition or is she on student loans? Are you a single parent? Do you need the rent or cash? Why all this bickering over money? If you cannot afford certain expenses, remove them, especially non-essentials. You lay the ground rules and determine what's non-essential if you are paying the bills.

What does she do in her free time when she's not studying? Where does she get cash to go out or hang out with friends? Do you know what her plans are after she finishes college? 

 

[lostandhurt]

Who pays for college? Her transportation? Her food? Her clothes? Her cell phone?

  Since she doesn't work I am guessing you do.  Is that correct?

Grown ups have responsibilities but if you take care of all of hers that is a problem.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, lonelyandblue said:

she just turned 20. She goes to college, does not contribute to the house through either 

Where's her father? Did he pay child support through 18 and is he paying for college and expenses?

Are there other kids in the house?

Stop with the resume writing and passive-aggressive books. Obviously that's not helping.

This seems like a mother-daughter conflict. You seem unhappy with life and exasperated by being a working parent.

Why isn't she going to a college where she can live on campus? Why hasn't anyone helped applying for student housing and scholarships and loans?

Living in a dorm or with other students would help her become independent a lot sooner than nagging, books about growing up and getting annoyed. 

Only pay what you want. That means if she wants a phone, car, clothes, etc. She'll need a job. It's that simple. 

 

[Batya33]

I lived at home till age 28.  I was in college till age 22.  Commuter college which my parents offered to pay for ($1,200 a year, got a full private scholarship for the last year but they wanted me to have the $ -I offered).  I worked summers and during school breaks - one summer was a prestigious, low paying internship which set me up for success later on -again my parents saw this as an opportunity and $ was not the issue- they had very strong values in higher education. 

I studied very hard -college was my job, my parents were very supportive and proud of me.  I believe I paid for entertainment related expenses.  My room was a mess.  I prepared almost all of my own food.  But they wanted me to focus on studying, and I did.  

After college I worked full time for 3 years for very low salary. The salary was low mostly because it was not a private corporation - I was doing good and important work that did not command a high salary. I lived in a high rent district.  I paid for all my own stuff but no I didn't pay for the groceries nor did they ask.  Honestly, I really didn't eat much. 

Then I went to grad school.  They offered to have me live at home and I paid 100% of the tuition through my savings and loans I took out.  I worked summers and part time during part of the grad school.  I studied all the time.  Crazy amount.  Again their values dictated how they viewed the financial aspects and maturity.  They wanted to support me in accomplishing this higher degree and we knew I likely would triple my salary.  I did. 

As soon as I graduated I moved out at age 28.  Had I had to pay rent I would have had to pay back loans for many more years than I did.  I bought them gifts and a vacation and offered $ and helped financially with other family members.  I offered.  They didn't want my money (but yes I gave to other family members over the years).  They wanted me to achieve my dreams that had to do with grad school especially and they were so so proud of how hard I worked.  Obviously I didn't get paid as a student but to me it was more than a full time job. 

So there are many ways to raise a child.  Once I moved out I certainly felt the increased independence and maturity but I was able to live on my own in a lovely neighborhood and I worked around the clock at my career.  Was I as self sufficient as far as living on my own at 28 as I should have been? Nope.  Were my parents perfect? Nope.  They did what they thought was best and the point is -they gave it thought, they had goals and I had goals.  It wasn't some random decision.  I think that's all you need to do - balance the pros and cons of forcing her to move out given that she is in school. 

I'm not judging -just saying that as a parent (I am one) if we put our heart and soul in and do what we think is right even if it's harder then we know we have done our best.  So does our child know.  Good luck.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, lonelyandblue said:

I wasn't parented and did my best but admit that I lost some "tools" what have you in the teen years and my personal fault of hating arguments. 

I think this is your chance to get over your fear of confrontation and embrace those arguments. You don't have to be mean or nasty to be firm. Keep your wits around you and pick your places. When she gets out of line, wait a beat. Don't react right away. In fact, take a day if you have to. Take a week. You want her to be receptive to what you're saying because you're not asking for a lot. 

[SooSad33]

Everyone moves at their own speed.. but yes, can also affect them due to different reasons. eg. only child, lack of responsibilities, etc.

I have 4 boys... oldest moved out fast when he went to college.  He rented a room w/ 3 other boys in basement of a house. ( gov't funded while in college).

Second one to move out was 2nd youngest.  he tried within a yr of finishing school to live w/ his GF. It failed after a yr, they could not find work & he moved back home again for another 6 mos.. this time more successful.

I still have 2 at home now.  One is on disability ( PTSD & depression- moods are awful sometimes 😕 ). And my youngest who is autistic, has managed to find a suitable job to his liking but needs my assistance- all is okay ❤️ . He sometimes makes his own 'quick meals', cleans hands when he gets home, get a drink, lets dog out. ( he does better with routine).

Anyways, your daughter is 20 now and is in college.  As mentioned, set some rules of 'expectations'.  Is college being paid for somehow?

If she's doing an 'online course', she is at home a lot!  Then you set some rules.. yes, do her own laundry ( take her to it & show her how machine works).... then at least ease into the rest of it.. Reminding her, dishes need to be put into the sink.. soak them, etc.  by dinner time every night, etc.

Take her shopping with you each week, so she see's how it's done.

She need to learn the basics.  Does she have a bank acct?  Cheques?  Know how to use them? ( I still pay rent w/ cheques).

So, maybe make a list of things you need to teach her now... In time hopefully she will get the jist of things and get used to life & expectations.