My wife is an Alcoholic and I am struggling running out of solutions to cope.

[SURPRISE]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You have to consider how trying to force your wife to be sober is affecting your health. After all, who will care for and provide for your 15 year old if your wife is in prison for vehicular manslaughter after she slams into a car filled with a family while driving drunk and kills them and you're hospitalized (or worse) after suffering a stroke or massive heart attack? Your older child shouldn't be given that responsibility.

You know for a fact you can't force your wife to stop drinking. She is an addict and will not stop without professional help. So it's time to think about yourself and your children.

Thank you. I have come to realize that. The only thing I will do is test her regularly to keep her honest, not allow any alcohol in our home and she has to do the rest. If she can't manage it herself having already been through rehab and knowing the steps, then she needs to go to rehab again or move out. She agrees with this and is highly remorseful which is fine, but what I am watching is her actions. If she drinks and drives, I will have to separate to protect me and my sons. My boys are aware of what is going on so they can make sure not to get in a car with her if she has been drinking. They both seem to be able to see when she's been drinking pretty easily so I feel relatively confident that won't be an issue plus my oldest drives his own car everywhere. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, SURPRISE said:

I am one who understands the relaxation of a drink after work and kicking back so I didn't want to fully take that off the table.

Ok that explains it you deliberately keep alcohol, weed and narcotics in the house.

[boltnrun]

Instead of trying to be her alcohol counselor and policeman, how about she checks into a program?  If she refuses, you know it's because she wants to keep drinking.

Addicts are very skilled at hiding when they're using.

All this amateur police work is going to increase your health issues, not benefit them.

I can tell you love her, so why wouldn't you want her to get help from appropriate, trained professionals?

[Seraphim]

Are your children really happy this way? 
My mother’s father was an alcoholic. He never never drank during the week when he had work but every weekend he was an unconscious drunk. He was never mean, he was the kindest man but it cause BIG upheaval in the family. My mom is 76 now and it still affects her to this day. My mom is a control freak extraordinaire. Children of alcoholics often are. Plus she married my father with severe mental illnesses and which creates severe uncertainty and I became the next control freak who married another person with a lot of mental health issues and we have an adult son who you guessed it is a control freak. 
 

See how this becomes generational? Your kids could benefit by counselling  as well. 

[SherrySher]

On 10/8/2021 at 3:40 AM, SURPRISE said:

Then when that doesn't work, she starts mocking me about my fear of dying with the aneurism and I got really upset, sick about how cold she was being and felt horrible so I took my blood pressure and I was 164/138.

I'm sorry, but this would have been enough for me to leave.

Alcohol addiction is one thing, mental abuse is another.

You are dealing with some very serious health issues, you don't need to extra stress of her mocking you, or treating you like this.

Is it possible to have her stay elsewhere, or you stay elsewhere? 

I'm not sure your current situation is good for you when you are already in a fairly serious health situation.

[SURPRISE]

23 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Like you said, you wan it dry and  this to be no more.. but she can't & she won't.

This is a true alcoholic and this is how they are.

All this is doing is affecting YOU & your health, as it's nothing but stress on you and your family unit 😕 

No use continuing to argue with someone like this.. it gets you nowhere, repeatedly.

I feel you are plenty aware of all of this, as you've experienced it for long enough.. so why is it you're still there?

She will not stop.  Not unless or until SHE feels she wants to.  Only then, will anything succeed for her.

 

I guess you'd have to know her to understand. She is the kindest sweetest person when alcohol is not involved so that's something worth fighting for within reason of course. If I could think of the perfect wife, she is pretty close which has basically been a unicorn in my pretty vast dating and past marriage experience. When she gets drunk, she is one of those people that don't remember everything and that is why the cheating happened. I was not there as it was a girls Vegas trip and her ex-friends were not looking out for her. She has spent the last 10 years making up for it as well with constant compassion for my struggling through it and repeatedly apologizing because she feels horrible for what she put me through. There is a lot to each part of our past but I just tried to summarize what the alcohol part has put me through so people would have an idea where I am at.

We have had bouts of the drinking issues before but nothing too consistent or concerning until recently. She went through rehab 10 years ago when things were bad and did pretty well after that for some time with little fall off the wagons here and there. That having been said, because of it getting worse, things are changing and nothing is acceptable. She has to manage this, get any necessary help or move out and she is fully aware of this and even agrees with it. I can only make sure we are all safe, I don't engage any stressful conversations and that things move in the right direction. I think getting it all out in the open is key right now. As long as my boys and I can manage while she works to get better, we will do so. If it comes down to her not putting in the work or keeping her promises to do anything to make it better, then she'll have to move out. This is all evolving on my end. 90% people here are cut and run recommenders, but each persons situation is different. People are quick to think I just have this girl on some kind of pedestal she doesn't deserve, but honestly, she earns it every day by her actions. She is literally selfless in every other part of our life and doesn't expect anything. Because of that, I spoil her constantly. She is an amazing mother and does everything for our boys and myself. This is why I am not quick to jump ship and why I am seeking to get others experiences at this time so I can navigate the road to recover or separation. One or the other will happen now. I have never had an issues with her denying there is a problem, just how bad it is at times so that is something positive to work with. Thank you again 🙂

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, SURPRISE said:

I guess you'd have to know her to understand. She is the kindest sweetest person when alcohol is not involved so that's something worth fighting for within reason of course. If I could think of the perfect wife, she is pretty close which has basically been a unicorn in my pretty vast dating and past marriage experience. When she gets drunk, she is one of those people that don't remember everything and that is why the cheating happened. I was not there as it was a girls Vegas trip and her ex-friends were not looking out for her. She has spent the last 10 years making up for it as well with constant compassion for my struggling through it and repeatedly apologizing because she feels horrible for what she put me through. There is a lot to each part of our past but I just tried to summarize what the alcohol part has put me through so people would have an idea where I am at.

We have had bouts of the drinking issues before but nothing too consistent or concerning until recently. She went through rehab 10 years ago when things were bad and did pretty well after that for some time with little fall off the wagons here and there. That having been said, because of it getting worse, things are changing and nothing is acceptable. She has to manage this, get any necessary help or move out and she is fully aware of this and even agrees with it. I can only make sure we are all safe, I don't engage any stressful conversations and that things move in the right direction. I think getting it all out in the open is key right now. As long as my boys and I can manage while she works to get better, we will do so. If it comes down to her not putting in the work or keeping her promises to do anything to make it better, then she'll have to move out. This is all evolving on my end. 90% people here are cut and run recommenders, but each persons situation is different. People are quick to think I just have this girl on some kind of pedestal she doesn't deserve, but honestly, she earns it every day by her actions. She is literally selfless in every other part of our life and doesn't expect anything. Because of that, I spoil her constantly. She is an amazing mother and does everything for our boys and myself. This is why I am not quick to jump ship and why I am seeking to get others experiences at this time so I can navigate the road to recover or separation. One or the other will happen now. I have never had an issues with her denying there is a problem, just how bad it is at times so that is something positive to work with. Thank you again 🙂

I can assure I am not cut and run. I have been with my husband 33 years this month. We have been through the worst of hell together. But when I told him if he didn’t get treatment for his mental health issues and stay with treatment and medication my a$$ was out and I was taking our baby with me. I didn’t want my son to have my life as a child. My husband has stuck with medication for many many years now and is 1000% better. 

[SURPRISE]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok that explains it you deliberately keep alcohol, weed and narcotics in the house.

I have always had alcohol in the house as did my parents growing up and we had no issues. My wife and I have generally hosted large BBQ parties in the summer every week and all of our friends drink in moderation for the most part. Remember weed is legal here in CA although I have never been in to that stuff even through my band years when members were in to all kinds of drugs back in the 80's and 90's when we were playing the LA and Hollywood circuits. I really didn't drink much then either. Either way, I just recently bought some CBD gummies from a store with her thinking that it might be a better solution replacing the occasional glass of wine because of both pain and because of her being hard to deal with when she drinks too much. I also keep everything locked up because of past issues which has helped out. The only time she has drinking issues, it's because she went out and bought something somewhere. Everyone's circumstances are different. Our social life is based around everyone getting together for some good food and drinks. I have tried to make it less likely for her to have a problem during every day life, but now it's not working and I have to make changes so she can succeed or move out. 

[SherrySher]

13 minutes ago, SURPRISE said:

I guess you'd have to know her to understand. She is the kindest sweetest person when alcohol is not involved so that's something worth fighting for within reason of course. If I could think of the perfect wife, she is pretty close which has basically been a unicorn in my pretty vast dating and past marriage experience. When she gets drunk, she is one of those people that don't remember everything and that is why the cheating happened. I was not there as it was a girls Vegas trip and her ex-friends were not looking out for her. She has spent the last 10 years making up for it as well with constant compassion for my struggling through it and repeatedly apologizing because she feels horrible for what she put me through. There is a lot to each part of our past but I just tried to summarize what the alcohol part has put me through so people would have an idea where I am at.

We have had bouts of the drinking issues before but nothing too consistent or concerning until recently. She went through rehab 10 years ago when things were bad and did pretty well after that for some time with little fall off the wagons here and there. That having been said, because of it getting worse, things are changing and nothing is acceptable. She has to manage this, get any necessary help or move out and she is fully aware of this and even agrees with it. I can only make sure we are all safe, I don't engage any stressful conversations and that things move in the right direction. I think getting it all out in the open is key right now. As long as my boys and I can manage while she works to get better, we will do so. If it comes down to her not putting in the work or keeping her promises to do anything to make it better, then she'll have to move out. This is all evolving on my end. 90% people here are cut and run recommenders, but each persons situation is different. People are quick to think I just have this girl on some kind of pedestal she doesn't deserve, but honestly, she earns it every day by her actions. She is literally selfless in every other part of our life and doesn't expect anything. Because of that, I spoil her constantly. She is an amazing mother and does everything for our boys and myself. This is why I am not quick to jump ship and why I am seeking to get others experiences at this time so I can navigate the road to recover or separation. One or the other will happen now. I have never had an issues with her denying there is a problem, just how bad it is at times so that is something positive to work with. Thank you again 🙂

I'm sincerely glad you have a game plan, because you need one!

Right now, it doesn't matter how sweet she is, if she refuses to remain sober or keeps going back to it, you do need to separate, and I am glad you acknowledge that.

Although I do advocate for those suffering from addictions, there is a point where you as her partner, cannot keep excusing it, or allowing her to continue falling off the wagon.

It will become a hindrance to her and you will start to enable her behavior.

I hope she truly can become sober and stay sober. But only she can hit rock bottom and decide to finally remain sober, indefinitely. 

 

[Seraphim]

Never replace one substance for another with addicts. 
Cannabis Is legal all over Canada for anyone over 19. Doesn’t mean you bring it in to replace one addiction for another. 

[SURPRISE]

20 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm sorry, but this would have been enough for me to leave.

Alcohol addiction is one thing, mental abuse is another.

You are dealing with some very serious health issues, you don't need to extra stress of her mocking you, or treating you like this.

Is it possible to have her stay elsewhere, or you stay elsewhere? 

I'm not sure your current situation is good for you when you are already in a fairly serious health situation.

I know, but there is so much more there then I can put down in an already long rant. It's because of the mental abuse and increased frequency that this is all coming to a head. She can move in to one of our other properties if this doesn't work although she would want to be close to the kids so it would likely end up being with a friend for now. You're right, I can't let this put my health at risk and I just found out that it was so that is why I am making changes now. She has never denied there is a problem and she acknowledges that it has gotten a lot worse. She knows she has to get better or get out so she says she is willing to do anything. I will continue to give her a chance as long as she either gets better or moves out. In the meantime, she can not do anything that jeopardizes any of us or she has to go. I believe she she can do it. She went through rehab about 10 years the first time it got bad and did very well for many years with little stuff here and there but happy and no major issues for a long time. We'll see what she does. I am only here to try to get insight from what others have experienced although each situation is different. Thank you for your feedback!

[SherrySher]

9 minutes ago, SURPRISE said:

I know, but there is so much more there then I can put down in an already long rant. It's because of the mental abuse and increased frequency that this is all coming to a head. She can move in to one of our other properties if this doesn't work although she would want to be close to the kids so it would likely end up being with a friend for now. You're right, I can't let this put my health at risk and I just found out that it was so that is why I am making changes now. She has never denied there is a problem and she acknowledges that it has gotten a lot worse. She knows she has to get better or get out so she says she is willing to do anything. I will continue to give her a chance as long as she either gets better or moves out. In the meantime, she can not do anything that jeopardizes any of us or she has to go. I believe she she can do it. She went through rehab about 10 years the first time it got bad and did very well for many years with little stuff here and there but happy and no major issues for a long time. We'll see what she does. I am only here to try to get insight from what others have experienced although each situation is different. Thank you for your feedback!

Is she receiving any kind of counselling right now for her addiction, or any kind of therapy to address her issues concerning the mental abuse she gives out?

She needs both in order to truly get better.

[SURPRISE]

10 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm sincerely glad you have a game plan, because you need one!

Right now, it doesn't matter how sweet she is, if she refuses to remain sober or keeps going back to it, you do need to separate, and I am glad you acknowledge that.

Although I do advocate for those suffering from addictions, there is a point where you as her partner, cannot keep excusing it, or allowing her to continue falling off the wagon.

It will become a hindrance to her and you will start to enable her behavior.

I hope she truly can become sober and stay sober. But only she can hit rock bottom and decide to finally remain sober, indefinitely. 

 

Thank you. She is embarrassed and upset by her behavior even with just me knowing. If there was no remorse, I would have been gone already. How she treats us and her sweetness is why it's worth trying to work things out, but that is only if she does it. I'm a realist so I am well aware that sometimes love is not enough and we have to move on. I also know that she is extremely rare so I'm not willing to give up without having using everything I can to try to help her as long as she is doing something about it. Also, I have never condoned any of her drinking problems ever and we have fought over them only when she's been drinking because she knows she's wrong when she's sober. Never a denial, early on more of a want to and why should I not be able to, but now she sees that it's hurting our marriage and family and just wants to get better. I hope she can change this around but am fully prepared for things if she does not.

[SURPRISE]

3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Is she receiving any kind of counselling right now for her addiction, or any kind of therapy to address her issues concerning the mental abuse she gives out?

She needs both in order to truly get better.

No, this all just happened. She has been through rehab before and AA so she knows what she has to do. She has been through counseling before and we have not talked about that again. I'm less concerned about that because it's obvious to me that when she's mean to me when she's drunk and no one else, and when she reacts to me but her friends could say the same things without a reaction, that she is only angry with me because I am keeping her from having fun and drinking what she wants. It's all a far cry different sober though because she understands the pain it causes. The reality is that we are going to have a fully dry and drug free home now and our friends and family (including our boys) all have to know about this so she can't drink if we go to their homes or events etc. She has be sober and has suggested that I test her daily to know that she is staying sober with her knowledge from rehab and commitment to change. If she can manage it that way, that's fine, but if there are any more problems, she has to go to rehab or move out. She is fine with all of that too because she doesn't want to hurt us or be a burden. That is the plan and I can only just watch and see how it plays out. She has the tools, it's now time to see if she can apply them or needs more additional help to do so. Thank you again.

[SURPRISE]

47 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm sorry, but this would have been enough for me to leave.

Alcohol addiction is one thing, mental abuse is another.

You are dealing with some very serious health issues, you don't need to extra stress of her mocking you, or treating you like this.

Is it possible to have her stay elsewhere, or you stay elsewhere? 

I'm not sure your current situation is good for you when you are already in a fairly serious health situation.

By the way, it was enough for me too. I put her to bed and told her we would talk in the morning. I was fully prepared to separate the next morning but she woke up at 3 am ish and came down stairs apologizing profusely for everything she did and said and she kept saying that she will do whatever she needs to do to get better. She said that I don't deserve this, she doesn't deserve me and if I left she would understand. That is the only reason I stayed at that point.

[boltnrun]

49 minutes ago, SURPRISE said:

She is an amazing mother

An "amazing mother" would check herself into rehab today so her children don't have to go through even one more day of "managing"  what happens as a result of her addiction.

You are responsible for the children too.  They will remember their father chose to try to be an amateur addiction counselor and policeman while they watched their mother get drunk and irrational and call their father names and berate him.

And before you say they don't know what's going on or you don't fight in front of them, I presume they are intelligent young men who are not oblivious or clueless.

My mother's father was a functioning alcoholic.  He made her home life hell when he wasn't being "an amazing father".  In over 30 years he never missed even one day of work.  But the family had to walk on eggshells, never knowing when he'd decide to pick up the bottle again.

Don't do that to your kids.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, SURPRISE said:

I am only here to try to get insight from what others have experienced . . . 

So in other words you're here to defend her behavior and hoping to commiserate with others going through the same thing. 

Frankly her "remorse" isn't worth isn't worth a nickel because she's only doing it to placate you; she knows by now what you want to hear and knows that this is her ticket to continue doing what she does as long as she is sorry afterwards.  All words, no action.

If you were serious about any of this you would've made your house a "100% dry house" many years ago at the outset rather than making weak excuses about "not wanting to take that off the table."  You wouldn't be simply toying with the idea of her not being able to socially drink with your friends, it would be basic knowledge by now that that cannot happen.  You're simply not ready to address the problem.  When you are ready to address the problem, you will quit making excuses for her and for yourself, and instead of justifying it all by talking about how perfect your life is and how much you spoil your wife, you will get real with yourself and take real action by not allowing this abhorrent behavior in your home--period.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly this is your post from 2012:

. Wife had off and on problems with alcohol and anorexia.

. Caught wife hording alcohol and drinking during the day. 5th major relapse since married.

. Told wife to get help or get out. Wife joins AA.

. 2 months later, wife quit AA, next day starts drinking again and drives kids around.

. I confronted her, put my fist through a door and told her it’s over.

. Wife started real Rehab going well as far as I can tell.

. Still ups and downs, distrust and worry that I am being naïve. Constantly checking up on her.

[smackie9]

The thing is, you can't stop going to meetings because you think you got the addiction under control. It's for a lifetime. The meeting are forever part of sobriety. Stop going and it's a guarantee relapse.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The thing is, you can't stop going to meetings because you think you got the addiction under control. It's for a lifetime. The meeting are forever part of sobriety. Stop going and it's a guarantee relapse.

Absolutely.

She cannot get better without proper addiction counselling, and personal therapy for her obvious anger issues and bad treatment to others.

I know you say it's the alcohol, but for her to mock another person who is very unwell (especially her own partner), it's shocking. 

That's not all on the alcohol, she has serious issues with how she behaves and how she allows herself to treat the ones she supposedly loves.

She needs help, and the only way she is going to get better, is addiction counselling, and personal counselling.

Please stop fooling yourself that she doesn't need both, or that she will improve without both.

And as Smackie above said, it's a lifetime thing, she will always need to continue meetings/counselling sessions for the rest of her life.

[DarkCh0c0]

It's really heartbreaking to see how manipulated you are by this woman. All her behaviours have damaging Consequences and you keep on baling her out. For 10 years now. And, you think the kids don't see that? I don't know if they even trust you guys when it comes to the relationship.

Anyways, somebody who is truly an amazing partner in life would NOT have you go through all this. Let that sink in.

[lostandhurt]

So you think you are helping her by policing her drinking.  Did you ever stop to think she knows you are there to save her from herself so she can drink as much as possible and you will always be there to pick up the pieces?

This is enabling at its absolute worst.  Stop and think about how much mental and emotional energy you use to keep her sober.  Breathalyzer?  Dope so she will be controllable? Is this a marriage or a half way house for addicts?

  Even if your literal life wasn't on the line here you need to stop everything you are doing because it is making it worse not better.  It is time that you tell her she needs to move to one of your other properties and sort herself out.  When she is clean and sober and in a program you can discuss her coming home but until then it isn't safe  for you or the kids to have her in that house.  Your other option is a 30 day rehab that has plenty of mandatory counseling and groups. 

  Obviously you are not going to divorce her but you cannot save her by treating her like a child the rest of your life.  It hasn't worked and will just continue to make things worse until one of you is dead.

  Would you consider drastic measures like having her committed to a lockdown rehab?  She is a danger to herself and the children so it may be possible.  I don't see her going willingly do you?

  She is your wife so this is your problem because there is no way to disconnect this from the family.  How you deal with the problem is key. Time to involve everyone that could help so at least you will have a support system.

  Strange as it seems but cheating is the least of your worries right now...

Lost

[catfeeder]

If you're serious about managing this problem, you'll attend as many Ala-Non meetings as that takes--and right away. It won't be something you 'think about,' you'll do it.

And you'll get a sponsor and work the program.

If you're more enamored with complaining and enabling wife, then you'll just keep doing that.

When nothing changes, nothing changes.

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, SURPRISE said:

, I have never condoned any of her drinking problems ever and we have fought over them only when she's been drinking because she knows she's wrong when she's sober.

So you say it is getting worse now.... Is there reason's for this?

Have you ever attended an AA meeting with her?  Are you very familiar with alcoholics?  ( how they work, etc).  If she is an alcy ( obviously she is).. this will be an ongoing battle for her ( & you), for rest of her life. My ex & most of his family were alcy's and I had no idea as I never grew up around that or much re: alcohol. We were involved just under 10 yrs, but yeah, all in that family broke up.

As mentioned, nothing will work unless or until SHE acts on it & wants to get help.  So, you will be battling with her until the end- which causes you stress.

Of course she's great 'when sober'.  So, this is all up to her, & you can argue til you're blue in the face! 

Is your choice to remain.. but I hope those kids are strong as well, for all they have had to endure.  I ended up leaving as it was too much for me & my boys. He was never able to keep things under control. (as they so often do..'fall off the wagon').