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SURPRISE

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Everything posted by SURPRISE

  1. By the way, it was enough for me too. I put her to bed and told her we would talk in the morning. I was fully prepared to separate the next morning but she woke up at 3 am ish and came down stairs apologizing profusely for everything she did and said and she kept saying that she will do whatever she needs to do to get better. She said that I don't deserve this, she doesn't deserve me and if I left she would understand. That is the only reason I stayed at that point.
  2. No, this all just happened. She has been through rehab before and AA so she knows what she has to do. She has been through counseling before and we have not talked about that again. I'm less concerned about that because it's obvious to me that when she's mean to me when she's drunk and no one else, and when she reacts to me but her friends could say the same things without a reaction, that she is only angry with me because I am keeping her from having fun and drinking what she wants. It's all a far cry different sober though because she understands the pain it causes. The reality is that we are going to have a fully dry and drug free home now and our friends and family (including our boys) all have to know about this so she can't drink if we go to their homes or events etc. She has be sober and has suggested that I test her daily to know that she is staying sober with her knowledge from rehab and commitment to change. If she can manage it that way, that's fine, but if there are any more problems, she has to go to rehab or move out. She is fine with all of that too because she doesn't want to hurt us or be a burden. That is the plan and I can only just watch and see how it plays out. She has the tools, it's now time to see if she can apply them or needs more additional help to do so. Thank you again.
  3. Thank you. She is embarrassed and upset by her behavior even with just me knowing. If there was no remorse, I would have been gone already. How she treats us and her sweetness is why it's worth trying to work things out, but that is only if she does it. I'm a realist so I am well aware that sometimes love is not enough and we have to move on. I also know that she is extremely rare so I'm not willing to give up without having using everything I can to try to help her as long as she is doing something about it. Also, I have never condoned any of her drinking problems ever and we have fought over them only when she's been drinking because she knows she's wrong when she's sober. Never a denial, early on more of a want to and why should I not be able to, but now she sees that it's hurting our marriage and family and just wants to get better. I hope she can change this around but am fully prepared for things if she does not.
  4. I know, but there is so much more there then I can put down in an already long rant. It's because of the mental abuse and increased frequency that this is all coming to a head. She can move in to one of our other properties if this doesn't work although she would want to be close to the kids so it would likely end up being with a friend for now. You're right, I can't let this put my health at risk and I just found out that it was so that is why I am making changes now. She has never denied there is a problem and she acknowledges that it has gotten a lot worse. She knows she has to get better or get out so she says she is willing to do anything. I will continue to give her a chance as long as she either gets better or moves out. In the meantime, she can not do anything that jeopardizes any of us or she has to go. I believe she she can do it. She went through rehab about 10 years the first time it got bad and did very well for many years with little stuff here and there but happy and no major issues for a long time. We'll see what she does. I am only here to try to get insight from what others have experienced although each situation is different. Thank you for your feedback!
  5. I have always had alcohol in the house as did my parents growing up and we had no issues. My wife and I have generally hosted large BBQ parties in the summer every week and all of our friends drink in moderation for the most part. Remember weed is legal here in CA although I have never been in to that stuff even through my band years when members were in to all kinds of drugs back in the 80's and 90's when we were playing the LA and Hollywood circuits. I really didn't drink much then either. Either way, I just recently bought some CBD gummies from a store with her thinking that it might be a better solution replacing the occasional glass of wine because of both pain and because of her being hard to deal with when she drinks too much. I also keep everything locked up because of past issues which has helped out. The only time she has drinking issues, it's because she went out and bought something somewhere. Everyone's circumstances are different. Our social life is based around everyone getting together for some good food and drinks. I have tried to make it less likely for her to have a problem during every day life, but now it's not working and I have to make changes so she can succeed or move out.
  6. I guess you'd have to know her to understand. She is the kindest sweetest person when alcohol is not involved so that's something worth fighting for within reason of course. If I could think of the perfect wife, she is pretty close which has basically been a unicorn in my pretty vast dating and past marriage experience. When she gets drunk, she is one of those people that don't remember everything and that is why the cheating happened. I was not there as it was a girls Vegas trip and her ex-friends were not looking out for her. She has spent the last 10 years making up for it as well with constant compassion for my struggling through it and repeatedly apologizing because she feels horrible for what she put me through. There is a lot to each part of our past but I just tried to summarize what the alcohol part has put me through so people would have an idea where I am at. We have had bouts of the drinking issues before but nothing too consistent or concerning until recently. She went through rehab 10 years ago when things were bad and did pretty well after that for some time with little fall off the wagons here and there. That having been said, because of it getting worse, things are changing and nothing is acceptable. She has to manage this, get any necessary help or move out and she is fully aware of this and even agrees with it. I can only make sure we are all safe, I don't engage any stressful conversations and that things move in the right direction. I think getting it all out in the open is key right now. As long as my boys and I can manage while she works to get better, we will do so. If it comes down to her not putting in the work or keeping her promises to do anything to make it better, then she'll have to move out. This is all evolving on my end. 90% people here are cut and run recommenders, but each persons situation is different. People are quick to think I just have this girl on some kind of pedestal she doesn't deserve, but honestly, she earns it every day by her actions. She is literally selfless in every other part of our life and doesn't expect anything. Because of that, I spoil her constantly. She is an amazing mother and does everything for our boys and myself. This is why I am not quick to jump ship and why I am seeking to get others experiences at this time so I can navigate the road to recover or separation. One or the other will happen now. I have never had an issues with her denying there is a problem, just how bad it is at times so that is something positive to work with. Thank you again 🙂
  7. Thank you. I have come to realize that. The only thing I will do is test her regularly to keep her honest, not allow any alcohol in our home and she has to do the rest. If she can't manage it herself having already been through rehab and knowing the steps, then she needs to go to rehab again or move out. She agrees with this and is highly remorseful which is fine, but what I am watching is her actions. If she drinks and drives, I will have to separate to protect me and my sons. My boys are aware of what is going on so they can make sure not to get in a car with her if she has been drinking. They both seem to be able to see when she's been drinking pretty easily so I feel relatively confident that won't be an issue plus my oldest drives his own car everywhere.
  8. Thank you, I plan to. I know that talking with others in the same situation is knowledge which is what I need so I see all variables and possibilities based on my choices on how to handle this all.
  9. I have not really denied it, I have just tried to work with her to try to maintain some sort of normalcy and she's getting out of hand again. I am one who understands the relaxation of a drink after work and kicking back so I didn't want to fully take that off the table. I believe she will have to deal with a lot of issues being unhappy with no "escape" so to say. I am fully aware that things have to change and have sat down with her to go over everything so she knows we can't continue this way. The bottom line is that none of this is acceptable and she has to do what it takes or move out. She understands and agrees with what I am saying. Now I have to see what she does about it.
  10. Thank you for your feedback. She is willing to do anything so we'll see how it goes. We need to make big lifestyle changes that will affect us drastically socially so it's going to be challenging. She is a selfless person when not drinking. I can't think of anyone who has a better relationship then we do aside from the alcohol problem, so that is in reality what I am fighting for. I've been married before, dated hundreds of women and she is unique in so many ways. I guess that's why I have always accepted that everything is not 100% perfect with this flaw. In any event, I am going to see how she handles everything moving forward and she has no problem with me giving her a regular breathalyzer test to keep her honest. If she can't manage it on her own, then she will either have to go to rehab or find somewhere else to live until she gets her act together. You're right, I need to change too and protect my health as well. I will not go back to how things have been so I fell that I am moving in the right direction. I am praying she is being honest with both me and herself moving forward. Thanks again.
  11. Thank you. I know something has to drastically change. She is saying she will do anything it takes so we will see how it goes now.
  12. I get that. I can tell things are different and I'm just trying to get my bearings ans make good decisions for us all. Thank you.
  13. She does have pain but I'm sure you're right, she needs something and I need to make our home a non alchemist hol or THC place.
  14. I know when I wrote it all down it kinda sunk in because I try to deal with one day at a time. She really is amazing and then the alcohol hits and she's horrible. It's been here and there that I've caught her drunk and so now it's been 3 times in 6 days that I know of and she has been mean 2 out of the 3. Tonight she started to argue and I would not go further and she went to bed. I need to sit down with her and see if she's willing to go to rehab again and go from there. Thank you for taking the time to both read and reply.
  15. Part of the reason for the THC CBD is residual pain from her car accident. She just finished rehabilitation for it and there are some lingering issues. The truth is that I am just getting to the point of being able to spot her intoxication. She is really good at making me think she's fine. That means that I really don't know how bad the problem is yet. I just know it's been 3 times I caught her in 6 days now and that's new. I know my health is now going to become an issue to factor in so I'm dealing with a lot of factors for the first time and trying to make sure I don't regret any of my actions. I am seriously afraid that leaving her could expose her to seriously hurting herself and that would be my worst nightmare. Thank you for your feedback.
  16. Thank you for your feedback. I believe she cares but gives in to cravings and maybe it's my fault for going to long trying to help her handle it. I have to make some hard decisions and am just trying to get my thoughts organized to do what's best for my kids and my marriage at the same time.
  17. Thank you for your reply. If I let go of some control, it will get really bad. I can afford an attorney but she is such an amazing person when she doesn't drink and I love her intensely. She shows me she loves me the same way sober so it's confusing. I hate who she becomes on alcohol. She is not drunk all the time but here and there when she thinks she won't get caught. I have caught her twice this week so far and last Friday she drank almost a whole bottle of wine when I stepped out the hotel room for literally 2 minutes. It messed up some special time and we had a long talk and she was really sorry and I think she was. I'm still trying to salvage this for many reasons. I just have other factors to worry about and this repeat behavior and remorse is closer together then it has ever been so I want to know others experiences and opinions to try to be better prepared for what can or may happen. Thank you.
  18. I have posted here before back in 2015 I think about my wife drinking and cheating. Since it all came out we have been really happy for the most part. She still falls off the wagon from time to time and I try to set boundaries but we keep ending back in the same place. A while back she started getting angry when she gets drunk. I think it might be from resentment that I won't let her get drunk all the time. I make her wait till the weekend and have a couple instead of going off the deep end fighting all night and messing up my work day the next day. We have had a few major alcohol periods but she would get through them and be OK for a while. She did go to AAA after the drinking and cheating period but not since then. She was even in an auto accident in Oct 2019 when a tow truck ran a stop sign at full speed and totaled her new car and broker her wrist and arm. She could have easily died. The driver ran up to her window after the accident and she gave him a bag with alcohol in it and told him to get rid of it because I would be mad and she's not allowed to have it. He took it to his truck and later gave it to the police at the station trying to say it was her fault. Luckily she had not been drinking but the Police showed up at our house and asked her if it were hers. I was so angry and humiliated that in a time she could die with a major accident and shes's waiting for an ambulance still in her car, she has to get rid of something bad she was doing. It was heartbreaking to say the least. Anyway, now to this week, I was diagnosed with an ascending aorta aneurism. That means I have to watch my blood pressure and the inner wall tear of my aorta because it can get bigger and or rupture. After a lot of tests, my doctor confirmed everything and I have to start living life not being able to lift more then 10 or 20 lbs or risk damaging my aorta which is really upsetting since I am 6' and 180lb fit and can't even lift the dog food or a suit case without a risk. Obviously it was a stressful week leading up to find out exactly how bad it is and I had confided in her about my fear of dying not for myself but not being there for my family. So I go home and that night my wife sneaks some kind of alcohol substitute name Cava or something and gets 3 times the legal limit. She blames it on me being upset and totally distorts what happened talking about it after the doctors appointment. Then she proceeds to start to fight with me and always turns the focus to my taking prescribed pain medication for a bad disc in my back and stenosis (pinched spinal nerve) like I have a heavy drug problem and she's fine (thank god I have never had an addictive personality and I'm careful to make sure I'm OK since people get hooked on this stuff easily). Then when that doesn't work, she starts mocking me about my fear of dying with the aneurism and I got really upset, sick about how cold she was being and felt horrible so I took my blood pressure and I was 164/138. That is way above the ER trip threshold and I immediately took some more blood pressure medication and laid down praying nothing bad was going to happen. She says she is going to get dressed in case she needs to take me to the ER and takes off upstairs. She leaves me there by myself for 20 minutes. If I had something bad happen, I would have been on my own. She comes downstairs with her keys and all dressed and ask me if I want her to take me to the hospital. By that time, I had gotten my blood pressure back under control and I made her blow in the breathalyzer. She is more then 2 times the legal limit and says she's not drunk and is ready to drive. I tell her we can't argue or I seriously risk the possibility of dying and she just seems irritated. She goes back up and goes to sleep. She comes back down and apologizes about 3 in the morning for everything. We have a big talk the next day about our rules of not drinking during the weekday. Keep in mind, I always let her have a CBD THC pot gummy in the evening if she wants because she doesn't fight when she has one. Anyway, she seems remorseful and seems to understand what she did and she comes downstairs tonight and I see eyes don't look right so I make her blow in the breathalyzer again and she's almost 3 times the legal limit again. She started to argue that she doesn't understand why she can't have a bottle of wine if she's at home and not driving anywhere despite my explaining that we have rules with alcohol so they don't affect my job or our boys on a school night. My sons are 18 and 15. Anyway, I remained calm and am on heavier blood pressure medication but my blood pressure still jumps 10 points and I feel out of control. She went to bed and I am still up thinking about everything. I am reaching my wits end and I love this woman so much. I am 51 and she is 55. Our life is great. She has been a stay at home mom now for almost 16 years and never wants for anything. She is the sweetest kindest person I have ever met until she drinks and then she is just getting meaner and meaner. I have told her that this is ruining our relationship and she needs to stop because I don't want to wake up one day and want or need to leave. Yet, it keeps happening over and over. I am not sure what to do about it. I have never had her remorseful and turn around and do it two days later knowing what it did to me as well. I have been sitting here thinking about how I can handle it. My only thoughts are that my home needs to become 100% dry. Family, friends and our pastor need to know what is going on and what I am dealing with. I need their help to make sure she doesn't hide and drink alcohol even at their get togethers etc. I know, I thought about just letting her have the pot gummies in moderation but without them, she still drinks whenever she can and I fear she would just drink on top of the pot which could probably be dangerous. I can't seem to find anyway around this and I am afraid of what it means for us socially. Our friends are various level drinkers so this could seriously impact our social life and that could lead to depression for her. She has asked about getting a job again since our kids are older now but I fear she would just be out drinking whenever she could and when I am not around her, I am still seriously concerned about her drinking too much and cheating again. She blamed the cheating on alcohol in the first place back in 2015 so I really fear her falling in to that and I could not take it this time. It took every ounce of my being to just be able to get past her infidelities last time which included about everything ... telling someone she loved them ... except actual intercourse thank God who get scared some times when they hear us fight because she won't be quiet when she's drunk. I don't think I could have made it through that kids or not. To top it all off, this is both of our second marriages. We only have 2 kids and they were together. Her ex husband had a major drug addiction and would disappear for the week and then just show up. She should be better aware of what she is doing to me when she is sober and out buying alcohol. Anyway, sorry for so much information, I am just upset and scared for what my future holds with her not to mention adjusting to my health news. If any of you have experience with this and can share your story, it would be helpful to me. I just don't know how things will go and would like to hear the good and the bad so at least I am a little more prepared. It's hard to love so much and hurt so much at the same time. God bless all of you here in need.
  19. I know this will sound strange, but does she have any or many silver dental fillings? I used to be extremely anxious and even worse I had panic attacks every day for now reason. Just driving down the road to the store and I would freak out, start sweating and turn back home. For 35 years I struggled with this until I found some resources on the internet that were talking about silver mercury dental fillings and anxiety. I had them all removed and have been panic attack free and so much less anxious for 6 years now! I didn't realize it at the time, but when I was 10 years old, I had 5 fillings done at the time and it all started. My dad and grandpa had anxiety too and didn't want to leave the house so doctors diagnosed them as agoraphobic and then by association me too. They had way more silver fillings then I did! Have you ever seen Alice in Wonderland? Do you know who the Mad Hater is? Well most people don't know that the character is based on the fact that in the old day, hat makers used mercury to bond felt when making hats and they would go crazy from it. I know right? Crazy! Anyway, I found out panic attacks are not the only thing that can happen from this stuff. It can emulate MS and you can die from it thinking you have MS. You can checkout MercuryMom.com to see this exact case documented by a news broadcaster who went through it. There are so many things tied to this stuff including Alzheimer's and much more. It affects everyone differently and some never even have symptoms but it affects their health. Anyway, I thank God I found out because my quality of life changed so dramatically. By the way, insurance would only pay to put in silver when composite white fillings were available. Most other countries outlaw use of Mercury but we allow it here because the American Dental Association (ADA) owns the patent on it and makes millions. You'd think the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) would protect us but they have a dental division, only it's made up of people from the ADA. Even back in 1990, sixty minutes did show on it and we still keep poisoning people. It's eye opening for sure!
  20. My wife started having some kind of fantasy relationship with a guy online when she had an alcohol problem (this might be part of your problem) I had no idea this was going on for 6 months. When I found out checking up on her facebook account because I thought something was wrong, I confronted her and all hell broke loose in my life. She woke up out of her delusion and stated that she did not know why she did that and that she wanted to be with me. She had met him on a girls trip to Vegas and apparently he kissed her when she was drunk. Having been burned before I was really close to leaving. If it were not her trying to make up for it, giving up all privacy and working on our relationship, there is no way I could have stayed with her even though I have two kids with her. Fast forward 6 years and I could not be happier even though I struggle time to time when something reminds me of that bad time. I say, confront to find out where you stand. If she's not willing to give up her privacy and or does not want to be with you, then you have to move on no matter how much it hurts. Transparency is the only road to redemption.
  21. It's been over 2 years since my last update. Life has been amazing with my wife. She still has trouble drinking too much when things get tough outside of our home, but for the most part we are able to work through that. I am so glad I did not give up on this relationship. It's easy to do when things feel so bad. Don't get me wrong, I still have issues when a song comes on the radio or something reminds me of all this. I try to put it out of mind and move forward. Life is too short and if I were not happy, I would surely change things. I guess the real thing that has made our relationship thrive is that we are on the same page with most things in life. She takes care of me and I take care of her. She makes little gestures and tells me she loves me and I do the same. It has been a lot of work and something I would have liked to have lived without, but to date, I am happy with all that she does to keep our relationship healthy. May God bless you all out there who are looking for answers to things that seem impossible right now. The best advise given to me was this: "You don't have to do anything right now. Get your head straight and then decide if you want to still be on this path."
  22. Hey PH, Happy New Year to you too! Things are going pretty good thank you. Holidays started on a bad note with alcohol, but we discussed it, setup some ground rules and they all ended up good. She has been adjusting some medications which has had a few ups and downs but this month has been good for the most part. She saw her psychiatrist for meds but has not started any CBT yet and to be honest I had not really thought of any of it because things have been good and I have been dealing with my own stuff with back injury and pain still. Your message reminded me that I need her to continue to find someone local to start seeing. How about you, how are you doing? Starlight89, you need to read the whole thread and look at the dates. It started out that way just to get by, but with work it has gotten better over the years and I don't have to checkup on her much except to breathalyze if I think she is drinking when she should not be. Aside from that, my relationship is amazing and close. My issues of getting past it all sometimes are hard but I still believe it is worth it. She has her own issues with what she has done and put me through too. TV always includes cheating and alcohol regularly in movies and programs and she gets pretty upset at times for what she has put me through. As long as she is remorseful and working to make us better, I will keep on trying. I am forgiving her this one time and she knows it's this one time. Having been through a failed marriage once before with someone that was not worth it, I am trying harder this time with someone who is. I don't have full control nor would I want to so I take it day by day.
  23. Thanks Reinventmyself. I just looked and Al-Anon even has online meetings! That is great since there does not seem to be much near me for meetings. Their website has a lot of info on it as well. Don't get me wrong, my life from the outside is beyond perfect. From the inside it's amazing aside from the fall off the wagon occasions every 3-4 weeks it seems. You are completely right about her taking notice of self improvement. I mentioned considering Al-Anon to her last night and she had a deer in the headlights look which caught me off guard. I get the feeling at that moment she realized that things might be bigger then they are in her mind. I told her I am willing to help her in any way whether it's me changing or going with her to counseling or anything that is needed to try to make things better. I am always looking to improve myself anyway. I believe it should be a life goal of everyone to constantly better themselves. Thank you very much for your input and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
  24. Thank you West Coast, you are too kind and definitely someone special. I know there are definite issues and red flags. She is willing to seek help and I am considering Al-Anon as well. She is aware that this is deteriorating our relationship and has to be dealt with. Her husband from her first marriage became a drug addict and would be gone for weeks at a time. Over many years, she became numb to it all and leaving was with no emotion. I have explained to her that she is taking me down the same road and each time I feel less connected to us and if not taken care of I will be the one who is empty and just calls it quits. I think she gets it but time will tell. I have to try all avenues first because she truly is a great person and wife aside from this issue. All of my needs are met more so then most marriages I see and or know and we are best friends spending every available moment together and with our kids. As far as letting her hit rock bottom, I have to keep in mind she is my children's mother and at least find a way to try to protect her and them from major damage. I know many people consider this enabling, but I am not accepting her behavior, I am just more reluctant to let her fall hard if it can be avoided. I guess time will tell with CBT this year. I am hopeful but very aware that she must change or things will not work out. Thank you again for your kind words and have a Merry Christmas and wonderful new year!
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