How to Move on from my Office Crush

[SuperBat]

I’ve fallen in love with the idea of my office crush for almost two years now and I want to get over her so I can move on. She’s a beautiful Latina with light skin, long black hair and a noticeable accent. I have spoken to her very little and other than the obvious all I know is she likes dogs. I need help getting over this fantasy and please don’t tell me to distance myself because when the pandemic first broke out I barely worked with her which was like a year a half and just fantasized more and more about her. This obsession with this fantasy is terrible. I know it isn’t true love and the crushing is all one sided. When I said hello how are you today all she responded with (as she was walking and not looking at me) was good. I think she may also like/have a secret thing going with another coworker and it kills me. I’m jealous and it’s like I can’t move on when I get to know another girl. I just keep thinking back to her. What can I honestly do?

[Capricorn3]

17 minutes ago, SuperBat said:

 What can I honestly do?

Not much you can do other than to recognize that it's all fantasy and keep reminding yourself that she has more or less made it clear she is not interested in you - therefore it's never going anywhere anyway. Focus on living in the real world, not in dreamland.

[SuperBat]

41 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Not much you can do other than to recognize that it's all fantasy and keep reminding yourself that she has more or less made it clear she is not interested in you - therefore it's never going anywhere anyway. Focus on living in the real world, not in dreamland.

I feel so stupid that I wasted so much time on this fantasy.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, SuperBat said:

I feel so stupid that I wasted so much time on this fantasy.

At least you recognize it. Time to "get out of your head" now and enter reality. There must surely be plenty of other women outside of the workplace, right?

[Batya33]

How often are you interested in someone because of knowing what she is like on the inside, knowing what she's into, what she does for fun, what makes her laugh? Is most of your interest focused on the particular physical features a person has?

[SuperBat]

Just now, Batya33 said:

How often are you interested in someone because of knowing what she is like on the inside, knowing what she's into, what she does for fun, what makes her laugh? Is most of your interest focused on the particular physical features a person has?

You’re right. I’m a pig. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, SuperBat said:

What can I honestly do?

Go to a physician and discuss your obsessions, depression and anxiety and withdrawal from life into a fantasyland.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 It appears you would like a GF but have receded into this fantasy.

[SherrySher]

There are always going to be people out there that we find attractive. It doesn't amount to a whole lot, to be honest.

Outside appearances don't show anything about who this person is, how they would connect, or not connect with you, if they're a good person, or not, etc.

It's very superficial.

Even if this person was a genuinely nice person, that still does not mean that they would be equally attracted to you, or that they would even be compatible with you.

You really have taken a superficial attraction and ran way too far with it.

Try to find what the underlying causes might be. Loneliness? Isolation? Depression? Low self esteem/self worth? 

Why have you allowed yourself to become somewhat obsessed with a person whom you barely know and are only basing this entire thing on very little?

The best you can do for yourself is to find a trained therapist who can help you get to the bottom of this.

All this is doing to you, is keeping you in a bad place and making you somewhat suffer.

That being said, it's obvious it's a toxic and unhealthy thing.

Please seek out help for it.

[DarkCh0c0]

Why not ask her out? And see how she responds?

If she says no, you can move on. If she says yes, then hooray!

[SooSad33]

As mentioned, seek some prof help, to help you work through this and get out of this..fantasy, which has consumed you.

You can also maybe try changing your mind set. ie. look at her in a bad way. ( not quite 'hate'), but more like reason's to NOT fancy her at all. 

Maybe try a Journal?  That way you get it out another way and is a good form of release, plus you can see it. I had to do this about an ex for a good while. I'd write & write out all of my anger about him... as I tried to convince myself how much he was not for me.

Takes a bit, but is sometimes necessary to 'change' our thoughts... to another way we see them. Because, inside you know this will never go anywhere.

 

[Rose Mosse]

I suppose if you keep telling yourself you've fallen in love with her enough times you'll start to believe it. What's your definition of love? Do you have one? What does it mean to you? What should a partner be to you? All things to ponder. You're in a rut but the good news is you're also able to get out of it if you've identified it, as others pointed out. 

I wouldn't approach her until you've sorted yourself. Are you married or in a relationship?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, SuperBat said:

You’re right. I’m a pig. 

That didn't respond at all to what I wrote.  

[lostandhurt]

You have recognized this as what it is so that is all you can do emotionally.

Now it is time to get out of fantasy land and back to real life by putting yourself out there.

 The best way to get your mind off your coworker is to get going with dating.  Have you tried online sites?  Once you turn your focus to something more constructive your thoughts will fade of her.

This all comes down to your willingness to engage in a healthy pursuit of available women for you.

How is your dating history?

Lost

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, SuperBat said:

You’re right. I’m a pig. 

This response.... I think it would be to your benefit, like others have mentioned, to talk to a professional about all this. 

If it was just a crush you can't shake I'd say, get to know her, reality usually pops the bubble. 

But you seem to have some other stuff going on that maybe is preventing you from being able to jump in and interact, so the fantasy becomes like a safe place to dwell. 

 

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

If it was just a crush you can't shake I'd say, get to know her, reality usually pops the bubble. 

 

This

When we were young it usually worked for crushes like that. You see some girl you like but maybe dont know her at all, approach, talk, ask for phone maybe etc. If she says "No" it breaks up that illusion and pining for somebody and you move on. But your response how you think you are a pig kinda says that you are not in the right mind for that. Meaning that you probably dont think a lot about yourself and that you wont approach that girl but pine over her for years. In a situations like that, yes, you should maybe talk to a therapist about it.

[sadchick83]

Look up the word limerence. There are a few sites out there that address this condition.  Don’t be embarrassed, just educate yourself about it.  Sometimes you cannot help with whom you have a strong attraction.

Good luck.

[SuperBat]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Why not ask her out? And see how she responds?

If she says no, you can move on. If she says yes, then hooray!

Because I’m too nervous to even speak to her. Asking her how she was doing was a big one for me my stomach always goes in knots when I’m around her.

[SuperBat]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I suppose if you keep telling yourself you've fallen in love with her enough times you'll start to believe it. What's your definition of love? Do you have one? What does it mean to you? What should a partner be to you? All things to ponder. You're in a rut but the good news is you're also able to get out of it if you've identified it, as others pointed out. 

I wouldn't approach her until you've sorted yourself. Are you married or in a relationship?

No I’m single. No kids either. I’m not in love with her, that would be crazy. I’m in love with the idea of her. 

[Carnatic]

On 10/2/2021 at 1:30 PM, SuperBat said:

You’re right. I’m a pig. 

What kind of personality does she have in your fantasies, is it based at all on anything you know about her, or do you know so little that you've filled in the gaps with the personality type you find most attractive? For a crush to develop this far, it sounds likely that you've created an overwhelmingly positive image of a person who is only based on the real person in terms of appearance, career and that she likes dogs.

Did you have a positive initial contact with her, when you first started working together? Like sometimes if someone's nice to us, especially if we have low self esteem then we first think 'they must be the most wonderful person ever to be nice to someone such as me' but also if we're physically attracted to them too you then we want to believe that initial niceness was a sign of mutual attraction.

When you do get to know other girls, and this crush gets in the way of you taking it further? What happens there? Do they show interest in you and you knock it back? Do you find yourself viewing them in a negative light in comparison to the idea of your colleague in your head.

Workplaces are definitely somewhere it's common for this to happen, I don't know if it's negative connotations of being in the workplace that causes someone positive to seem more radiant or whether it's just that you spend so much of your day looking at this person.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/2/2021 at 4:19 PM, SuperBat said:

No I’m single. No kids either.. I’m in love with the idea of her. 

Ok. Then get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

You know your type and your tastes, but be open minded.

[Andrina]

IMO, people who seek out unattainable people such as in this case or LDRs online feel too emotionally vulnerable to actually be in real, full-on partnership. It's something a person might not have fully realized, because the psyche is complex. For people who feel like they can't handle a real relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt if it doesn't work out, fantasyland might seem like a safer option. But that's a false sense of safety because it just ends up in being companionless and lonely.

You do have power over your brain. Start thinking of her as just another co-worker. Redirect your brain to other things when your thoughts drift to her. Work on your self esteem and resiliency by reading books and articles. And then when you're ready to date and will be okay whether it works out or not, go to Meetup.com groups geared to singles in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. You could also take dance lessons. A great way to meet women. There is such a huge variety of options and you might be surprised at how many venues are available in your area for country two-step, salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. If that's not your thing, you can volunteer at a local zoo, or museum, or habitat cleanups.

And always keep up with guy friends and at least one separate hobby a partner isn't involved in to keep your own fulfilling life besides having a gf. You never want her feeling smothered that she's the only bright light in your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[SuperBat]

On 10/4/2021 at 5:53 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Then get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

You know your type and your tastes, but be open minded.

Tried it, doesn’t work.

[SuperBat]

On 10/4/2021 at 5:51 AM, Carnatic said:

What kind of personality does she have in your fantasies, is it based at all on anything you know about her, or do you know so little that you've filled in the gaps with the personality type you find most attractive? For a crush to develop this far, it sounds likely that you've created an overwhelmingly positive image of a person who is only based on the real person in terms of appearance, career and that she likes dogs.

Did you have a positive initial contact with her, when you first started working together? Like sometimes if someone's nice to us, especially if we have low self esteem then we first think 'they must be the most wonderful person ever to be nice to someone such as me' but also if we're physically attracted to them too you then we want to believe that initial niceness was a sign of mutual attraction.

When you do get to know other girls, and this crush gets in the way of you taking it further? What happens there? Do they show interest in you and you knock it back? Do you find yourself viewing them in a negative light in comparison to the idea of your colleague in your head.

Workplaces are definitely somewhere it's common for this to happen, I don't know if it's negative connotations of being in the workplace that causes someone positive to seem more radiant or whether it's just that you spend so much of your day looking at this person.

Hmm that’s a good question. I guess the personality is somewhat limited because you’re right, I don’t know anything about her. What I mean is I get to a point in the fantasy and cant stretch it out any further because I don’t know anything about her except the already mentioned above. I guess it kind of goes how she is that day, like once like the week after we came back full time at the office I think she waved to me and she even said hi first that day so I was over the moon and fantasized about her being nice, then there are days like last week where I said hey to her first as we were passing by each other in the hallway and she said hi back without looking at me and then when I said how is everything she just said good, didn’t ask me and kept moving so my fantasy was crushing and not positive at all. 
 

My initial contact with her wasn’t anything really, I just saw her and thought she was hot. We talked a few times briefly but nothing personal. Really the furthest I got was once shortly after I started and before covid on Valentine’s Day 2020 we were walking out to leave at the same time (I uh kinda planned this) and she made a comment about her co worker not holding the elevator open for her. Idk if she was talking to me or just saying it out loud but I worked up the courage and asked her how long she was there and she told me and then before I could ask anything else another coworker came and she told her about the coworker who didn’t hold the elevator  open for her and then they talked about something else. She did catch me staring at her though. She’s caught me a few times actually and I have always looked away. And I know how creepy that sounds and sometimes I get really embarrassed at myself for it and feel like a creep. But then like the last time she caught me staring on a day during the work from home/part time in the office when we actually came in the office together, on a another  day we worked together towards the end of the day she said to me “almost time to go home?” So see I don’t know if she realizes this or what.   
 

 

[Lambert]

Maybe recognize that the woman you are crushing on is not the woman in your office. Your crush is on someone you created. You just used her appearance as the visual.

You don't know her. It's like having a celebrity crush. 

Maybe keep trying to date someone and have a real crush with someone that can reciprocate the experience.

It's not easy, per say, but giving up isn't a solution either. 

So I think some self love, understanding and patience would be helpful. 

When you think of her, push the thoughts away... it is harder at first but when you say to yourself, "ok that situation has not changed, I don't need to think about that" and then redirect your thoughts else where, it gets easier with time. 

[SuperBat]

23 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Maybe recognize that the woman you are crushing on is not the woman in your office. Your crush is on someone you created. You just used her appearance as the visual.

You don't know her. It's like having a celebrity crush. 

Maybe keep trying to date someone and have a real crush with someone that can reciprocate the experience.

It's not easy, per say, but giving up isn't a solution either. 

So I think some self love, understanding and patience would be helpful. 

When you think of her, push the thoughts away... it is harder at first but when you say to yourself, "ok that situation has not changed, I don't need to think about that" and then redirect your thoughts else where, it gets easier with time. 

You’re right. She’s not real, not who I fantasize about anyway.  She’s just an image I use to project what I want which doesn’t even work out since I can’t just imagine anything about her too much since don’t know anything about her. And I have talked to other girls online but don’t get too far because I’m afraid that maybe someday it will happen but I have to wake up and face reality.