Should I stay with my wife?

[Throwaway1776]

Hello. My wife and I have been married for 1 year and together for 3 years. We are both college students and we have no children. I am 23; she is 22. 

Some background. 

Whereas most people in relationships have a small amount of bad that is outweighed by a larger amount of good, my wife has a lot of bad that is outweighed by an even larger amount of good. I certainly noticed the red flags when we got together, but to me, she was worth it. She's a stellar person and a very committed wife. She cooks for me a lot. We have basically unlimited sex. She's smart and gorgeous. She very much values my time and attention. She is the opposite of the cold, bored, dissatisfied wife. She doesn't care if we're going to a 5-star steakhouse on a Friday night or Taco Bell in our pajamas at 1:00am -- she's just giddy to spend time with me. She usually insists on paying for dates. She's down-to-earth and low-maintenance. She's pleasant to be around and easy-going. She's got a phenomenal relationship with my family -- they think she's amazing. She loves me deeply and wants to be a stay-at-home mom for our children. We have the same goal in raising a family. She loves me deeply and I love her back. In many ways, I have a very enviable and rare marriage.

Onto the bad stuff. All of her positive qualities exist in spite of a horrific childhood with an alcoholic dad and a meth-addict mother. I am so proud of her for the way she has moved beyond her trauma to become such a loving and selfless person, but that is not to she doesn't still wrestle with it. Due to her past, she has C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). She can be quite emotionally volatile. I have a wealth of examples in my head, but one that comes to mind is the time she, in the middle of the night, sprinted out of the house barefooted saying that she wanted to kill herself, which prompted me to chase after her and calm her down. I'm sure the neighbors heard all the crazy yelling. When she has a PTSD "trigger," she completely dissociates and becomes a different person: cold, unpredictable, and with no regard for herself. While she's "triggered," she says despicable things to me. For the most part, I do not like her social circle. She admits that, because of her past, she is more drawn to damaged people. Her girl friends are ***ty party girls, almost all of whom cheat on their husbands/boyfriends. Her guy friends range from partiers to straight up sleazy people. I'm not trying to sound like a prude; I like to party sometimes and add a dose of chaos into my life. I'm also not trying to judge anyone -- I'm just illustrating the fact that she is naturally drawn to chaotic people (drug dealers and strippers) who pose risks to our personal life. She also has issues with self-care. She will lie depressed in a dark room for days at a time, hardly eating or sleeping. She impulsively involves herself in dangerous situations when she feels really stressed, sad, or anxious. She helped her brother sell coke behind my back and even stored it in our shared car without my knowledge. She met a guy at a bar, accepted his $500 sex invitation, drove with him to a nearby hotel, only to then take the money and run away. She started a fight with another girl at a party and ended up getting a concussion. She was making such a scene that the police were called and she was charged with public...something, I forget. 

Okay, now onto the main story, which requires a little more background. 

We went through a several month rough patch about a year ago. My wife's piece of sh*t mother got put in jail for the endangerment of her two year-old daughter (who she conceived with her new drug-addict boyfriend). We were the only people who could watch her daughter (my wife's half-sister) for the 5 months her mother was in jail. We were both knee-deep in school work at the time so this was very stressful for us and pushed us away from each other. I became resentful when I realized that we might eventually have to adopt her daughter in the future because, sooner or later, her mom would be put away for good. I didn't want to be a step-dad and get further involved in her dysfunctional family. I emotionally pulled away from my poor wife, who loved her sister very much and was in pain seeing her sister be put through the same trauma she was put through as a child. I regret how I acted during this time. I wish I was more optimistic and supportive. I caused her more stress during this time and feel guilty about it. 

So, during our rough patch, my wife went a little crazy. She would go out with her ***ty girlfriends until the late hours of the night and drink a lot. She would often turn off her iPhone location when she was out (we both liked to share our locations for the sake of convenience). During this time, she also developed an Adderall addiction. But it wasn't until recently that I found out the full extent of what she did during this time: as it turns out, she went way off the deep end and lied about a few major things. 

Enough background. Let me get to the point. Here were the bombs that were recently dropped on me. 

1. I found old snapchat conversations (from the rough patch time period) of her flirting with several other guys. I asked her during our rough patch if he was doing this. She, of course, lied. There was no sexting but the flirting was overtly sexual.

2. This is the big one. Before I describe what happened, I must say that my wife is bisexual. We've had threesomes with other women before. Because I am not jealous of other women, I've always told her I wouldn't mind if she had sex with other women, as long as she told me about it, didn't even kiss another women *in front* of other men, and stayed safe (I don't want STD's). As for sex with men, absolutely not. Well, I found out that one night at a bar (she was often at a bar during this time) she met a pimp who she flirted with, and who offered her a job with two other women at a nearby hotel. My wife agreed, and went to the hotel and had *unprotected* sex with two women for pay. So, she prostituted herself out. She described all of this to me. 

3. She flirted with the pimp over snapchat a month after all of that^ happened. It appeared that she was trying to make plans to meet up with him as he was passing through the city but they fell through. She claims she was looking to prostitute herself out again. I just have to trust that was her plan, because it sounded like she was trying to meet up with him. As bad as both of these possibilities are, she knows I would rather it be the former. 

4. She gave me Chlamydia and Gonorrhea from the night at the hotel and lied about how I got it. She performed some mental gymnastics and said something about how we must've gotten them from a past threesome and how are original treatments didn't work and yada yada yada. She went to the urgent care with me and continued to lie through her teeth about all of it. I was an idiot and believed her. 

5. One of her ***ty friends (who is now an enemy of my wife for some petty reason) messaged me saying that, when they were friends, she would frequently cheat on me. I don't trust this girl or my wife at this point so I don't know what to make of this. 

6. On several occasions, she made out with other girls in front of other guys at a bar. This violated my boundaries with other women as described above.

When I found this out, I told her we were getting a divorce. She became suicidal. She emphasized that she wasn't trying to manipulate me into staying; rather, she was just being honest about how she didn't think she would survive our divorce. She said she had nothing else, and that my family and I are all she has. This freaked me out. I soothed her and made some empty promises about how we might be able to work things out. A few days later, I tried to divorce her again, and the same thing happened. She cried and begged and pleaded. Then she became suicidal again. I "took her back". 

It's now been a few weeks. We're in a weird limbo. I'm working on a Computer Science Master's degree so I can't even afford to spend a lot of time addressing this. And, weirdly enough, I still don't want to divorce her. She apologized for everything and said she was ashamed and disappointed in herself. She apologized for putting me in a situation where I felt like she might kill herself. She said that if I wanted a divorce, she would make it as easy as possible for me, buying me breakfast and paying for gas on the way to the divorce lawyer. She also swore that regardless of whether I stayed or left, she would work on herself and not harm herself. I'm just heartbroken and don't know what to do. As much bullsh*t as she put me through, ending things with her feels like shooting a puppy dog in the head. My family and I still mean so much to her. But, I've lost so much respect and trust in her. I don't want to be with someone that I don't respect. 

My wife is a paradox. She's so impulsive and crazy, but simultaneously the sweetest, most selfless person I've ever known. I don't respect the decisions that she's made, but I love the person she is at her core. I don't mean to make this one-sided. I have been far from perfect in this relationship, too. Has love blinded me? Am I being a complete moron? What do I do? I'm still young and we have no kids. If we got divorced, I could pore my heart and soul into school and my side business and really focus on improving my station in life. I could do this free from her distractions. Mentally, it's where I am at, in a way. I feel very far away from her. I would feel guilty leaving her. I would hate leaving the marriage knowing that I also didn't give it my all. A lot of what she did eroded my trust and respect in her, which, in turn, make me put less love and effort into our relationship, even when she was going above and beyond to repair things. My ultimate question is this. Given my situation, should I even consider staying with her? Am I being too unforgiving or far too lenient?

Thank you. 

[Tinydance]

In my opinion, yes you are, and have been way too lenient. I understand your wife had a horrible childhood and past and that part isn't her fault. But the point to be in a relationship or marriage is to have trust and respect. She's cheated on you a number of times, lied to you, gave you STD's, and she wants to be a prostitute. The question begs, why had she done all this to you? If she loves you and you and your family are all she has, why has she done such horrible things to you?

Your wife sounds extremely mentally unstable and also very selfish. She seems to have absolutely no regard for your marriage or your feelings. Many people have depression but your wife is very self destructive and does blatant danger things. I think if you stayed married to her eventually her crimes would get you in trouble too. E.g. Police would find the drugs in your car and you'd get arrested. You'll get an incurable STD such as AIDS. You can clearly see what your wife is capable of and she won't change. Her behaviour doesn't even make sense. Why does she want to be a prostitute? She has a home with you, her husband. I think these behaviours is just her mental illness talking because they don't even make sense.

I know you love your wife and feel sorry for her but that doesn't mean you have to live a life of pure misery. Even if she killed herself, that wouldn't be your fault. She's treated you so horribly, does she seriously expect you'll stay with her? She's an adult and she has to live with the consequences of what she's done. Stop babying her and let her learn from her mistakes and see she can't just get away with these disgusting behaviours.

[Pleasedonot5]

Oh, God. 

Mental health episodes aside, she... 

(1) (a) prostituted herself (b) in a way which involved unprotected sex, in violation of your relationship boundaries (this is cheating), then initially lied about it, even though it affected your health,

(2) gave you two STDs,

(3) lied to you about planning to meet up with a male pimp (this is attempted cheating), in violation of your relationship's boundaries,

(4) is described by her former friend as cheating on you constantly. The circumstances described in your wife's former friend's heads-up to you are harmonious with your wife's past behavior (described above). Additionally, it would take way more gall/insidiousness for her former friend to completely make up a defamatory accusation than it would be for her to simply tell the truth to caution you. Therefore, I think it is more likely than not that what you know about your wife's cheating is just the tip of the iceberg,

(5) manipulated you against seeking divorce (a sensible decision given the above) by threatening suicide. One cannot say "I'm not manipulating you, buuuuut..." to avoid the fact that they are manipulating you.

Seek a local divorce attorney and file for divorce. Then, seek counseling to determine why you let this marriage get so out of control. There are plenty of women out there who will cook for you, treat you, be sweet, and have ample sex with you who also do not cheat, give you STDs, lie to you about it, and threaten suicide when you make an adverse decision.

Hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.  

[Batya33]

How is she working on herself? Is she under a doctor's care?

[ManBip098]

I feel like if you have to ask this question you guys need to separate 

[Snny]

“My ultimate question is this. Given my situation, should I even consider staying with her?”

I only got to the second paragraph of your post and was like “aw Hell no.” There is nothing about her that says that she is wife material. She needs a therapist, not a husband to fix her issues. If she is that messy now, can you imagine staying with her for another 2 years? 5 years? 20? People don’t change or kick their bad habits when they get married… this is who she is and until she gets professional help, it will only get worse.

[adviceplease2]

She's, for lack of a better term, an emotional train wreck.  You came on here and asked a question you already know the answer to.

She will always love the drama in her life, it will feed her.  And that won't be anything good for you.

[lostandhurt]

Your marriage is a dumpster fire surrounded by three other dumpster fires all lit by your wife.

 Yes you need to file for divorce.  Go down to the family court at the county courthouse and get started on it.  If you have no real estate to sell and can split things easily then a simple mediated divorce will be best.  Low cost and fast which is what you need.

  Is she under a doctors care?  Who diagnosed her?

  You cannot be her doctor or therapist or her savior.  She has chosen this life and you are being drug down into it.  She is on the same path as her mother.

  Get started on the divorce and then let her know you filed and she will be served soon.  If she threatens to kill herself call 911 and report it.  They will probably put her on a hold in a hospital if there is room.

 I was thinking this couldn't be real reading it all but then I thought who would type all that out if it wasn't real.  Loving someone with mental illness is the hardest love of all. 

You need to save yourself from her...

Lost

[MissCanuck]

Well...that escalated quickly. 

Run, don't walk, to your nearest divorce attorney. There is no viable reason to continue this marriage. It is an absolute train wreck and it's only a year old. 

Call emergency services if she threatens suicide. But get yourself out of this. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Well...that escalated quickly. 

 

I hate that I still didnt figured out how to put pictures on Forum. That Ron Burgundy meme would indeed be perfect for here lol

Anyway, OP, others have said enough, but I would add one more thing: highly dysfunctional persons like her are naturally driven to other highly dysfunctional people. They see themselves in them, feel connection and can function around those people. Because nobody else can accept somebody that lies, cheats, even prostitutes herself and deal drugs just like that. But to those people that is normal behavior. Just the food for thought why she surrounds herself with those kind. On the other hand, you excuse her way too much. Just because she isnt mentally well, doesnt mean she can do stuff like that. She gave you STD, do you know how bad some of them are? You could be in jail because of her. And you still excuse her behavior as she is "sweet, low maintenance person" according to you. No, she isnt. She is a very troubled, highly dysfunctional individual. That will take you down with her unless you move away from her immediately. As soon as you have time go to divorce lawyer and start the procedure. No matter what she says and how sweet she gets. That is only a mask, as soon as you say you will do it for real, she will again start suicide stories. Call authorities if she does that again.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Throwaway1776 said:

. All of her positive qualities exist in spite of a horrific childhood with an alcoholic dad and a meth-addict mother. 

The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

She's obviously using drugs, getting involved in illegal activity and hooking to pay for drugs.

You seem strangely ok with all this because you get lots of sleazy sexual encounters with random people and you're probably not too clean drug-wise yourself.

With this trajectory, she'll end up in jail, in the hospital brain dead from drugs or on the morgue slab.

What kind of future are you looking for here?

If you're not trolling, the solution is inpatient detox and rehab. Are you plastering this story on reddit too?

[Sonneblom]

Dear OP 

In as much as I sympathize with your wife's mental illness, I think she is using it as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for her actions. I think you need to divorce her and leave this relationship, but if you are not ready to take such a huge step, maybe a trial separation will do you both some good, maybe she will realize that she needs to take the relationship seriously or not, but either way, you will know how to proceed. 

However,  I think chances are things are not going to get better than they are currently. Nevertheless all the best to you OP.

[DarkCh0c0]

I get her background, but right now she's on a self destruct mode. She's not wife material. Not until she realizes how much she messed up towards you and herself. Not until she seeks therapy and meds on a long term basis. Not until she works on her trauma with a professional.

But now, you've got nothing. She's happy how she is. She likes the trouble. And she is CARELESS AND SELFISH. Manipulative too. And you got manipulated into not seeking divorce, which was your true inner being calling. My ex did the same to me. And when I broke up again, he told me he's going to suicide, he's vomiting, passing out on the floor, blablabla. Looking back, it was extremely low of him to do so. I have pitty now for people who do this. It's completely unacceptable  completely selfish!! And guess what? He's doing fine . Your wife will do fine too. She'll manage cause she HAS TO.

Take care of you. Please seek divorce asap and stop ALL COMMUNICATION. I would also suggest not sleeping in the same place until this is over. I'm sorry it has come to this, but this is the path she chose, over you.

[DarkCh0c0]

Also, I hope you also get therapy because your boundaries and limits are so damaged now. Your sense of self and of healthy loving companionship is gone. Which is a side effect of being with people like this. Once you'll fully separate, you'll realize this. So, please, seek a good therapy to work on yourself. You are worthy of love. Healthy love.

[boltnrun]

What treatment is she currently receiving for her mental issues?

When she threatened suicide did you immediately call 911 so she could receive the care she desperately needs?

Do you believe you need to completely sacrifice everything, including your physical and mental health and your professional future, just to stay married to her so she won't cry and threaten suicide?

[Rose Mosse]

Probably the first thing I'd do in your shoes is take a hard look at what my role is in this fiasco and sternly address my hand in it. You seem to see yourself as a champion husband and rock for a ship that was built with holes through the bottom. Your role is to be there for her and be the good guy from the start but she's not your equal and she doesn't provide any stability in the same way that you are willing to provide for her (as it appears on the surface). 

I tend to believe that deep down like ultimately attracts like and if you are surrounded by chaos, you are the chaos too or actively promoting it and seeking it or enabling it. 

So.. address what you're doing there and why this situation appealed to you at all from the start, decide whether you made a mistake, correct it and move on or your stay in your current situation. 

[Throwaway1776]

Thank you for the feedback everyone. I agree with everything that’s been said.

From what I can tell, if she gets suicidal again, my best and possibly only course of action would be to call 911. It’s difficult because it does not seem like she is doing this to explicitly manipulate me. She just appears defeated and hopeless. She says she feels completely ashamed and disappointed in herself, that she completely violated her own moral code. She says she doesn’t even want to be a mother anymore because she’s afraid of the problems her mental instability might cause. Since I brought all this up, she’s taken a lot of steps to recover. She’s cut out all her party friends. She hasn’t gone out without me. She’s deleted and reset her social media accounts, and she’s scheduled another appointment with her old therapist. She says she’s willing to do whatever it takes. Should this change how I view things? I can’t bring myself to let her go, not knowing what she’ll do to herself. How can I sleep at night? I know that’s not a long term solution, but it’s incredibly hard to let go..

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, Throwaway1776 said:

Should this change how I view things?

We can't tell you that. Only you can. 

Personally? I would feel that there is way too much damage done here to ever recover. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Throwaway1776 I agree with @MissCanuck.

I also would nonetheless call it quits and let her work on herself without me in the equation. She's not relationship nor wife material at the moment. She did you wrong so so soooo many times that it's unsalvageable. Idc what the excuses are. People who live each other, protect each other.

I know you don't want to be harsh or feel like the bag guy, but you aren't. You need to pick your pride and self-worth up, and get moving.

I, personally, also stayed with someone after having broken up with him as he told me he would change. But guess what? People at the core don't change. It's a sad truth. Time proves it. We hold on to false hopes hoping things work out better than they did with our parents, but the truth is: what you see is what you get.

She should only change for herself at this point. You are too hurt to salvage this. Free yourself and then you'll look back and realize how toxic and Extremely dysfunctional this was.

It's your call.