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Night shift resentment


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Hi guys,

Does anyone else here have any insight into this, ive asked coworkers but i am the only married father of the group.

i do shift work in my job, a split of 12 hour night and day shifts. I feel like when i sleep after a nightshift it causes resentment from my wife. I do stay up and get our 2 year old to daycare first while she sleeps on with our newborn. She seems annoyed when i sleep during day, as if i am ‘sleeping in’. She doesn't try be quiet, will bring newborn to my room when i am sleeping, leave doors open, open curtains etc. 

i feel like she is trying to get some kind of payback for her broken sleep since having kids, in saying that i took over night wakeups solely on our first after 4 months. 

anyone else experience this?

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Does she work? Do you share the household responsibilities, childcare and finances?

Tell her to go out and get a job with 12 hr. rotating shifts. See if she would need sleep.

See if she has time to complain.

Sleep in a room that she can't enter or disturb you in. 

Although she can't tiptoe all day and kids make noise, try to find better sleeping arrangements.

She seems angry and resentful for whatever reason. Does she have help with the kids or some sort of postpartum depression?

Is she stomping around in a passive aggressive way to make some sort of point or is it just the usual daytime noise?

Research shift work sleep disorder..

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems angry and resentful for whatever reason. Does she have help with the kids or some sort of postpartum depression?

Is she stomping around in a passive aggressive way to make some sort of point or is it just the usual daytime noise?

Agree. That'd be helpful to know. Are you also guys going on dates? Is this recent? (The night shifts and the passive aggressive behaviour)

Otherwise, why not have a talk about it? Go out somewhere romantic, and open your hearts for each other.

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With a 2 year old and a newborn, there is no getting away from the stress. At least not for awhile.

So rather than accusing your wife of anything, sit down and talk about how you two could alleviate some of the stress with the child rearing. You are both exhausted, so rather than digging deeper into mutual resentments, think of how to dig your way out. Can you get someone to babysit so you two can have a break for a few hours at least once or twice a week? Do you have any family nearby who could pitch in a bit here and there?

A 12 hour work shift is a lot, but then a two year old and a newborn is a 24/7 shift that never ends. So yes, she is resentful and can't help it even if she isn't normally like that. The good news is that it will pass as the children grow up a bit. The bad is that in the meantime, every marriage and relationship gets stressed and you both need to find some adult down time to save your sanity and your relationship.

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8 hours ago, robertpaulsen said:

Hi guys,

Does anyone else here have any insight into this, ive asked coworkers but i am the only married father of the group.

i do shift work in my job, a split of 12 hour night and day shifts. I feel like when i sleep after a nightshift it causes resentment from my wife. I do stay up and get our 2 year old to daycare first while she sleeps on with our newborn. She seems annoyed when i sleep during day, as if i am ‘sleeping in’. She doesn't try be quiet, will bring newborn to my room when i am sleeping, leave doors open, open curtains etc. 

i feel like she is trying to get some kind of payback for her broken sleep since having kids, in saying that i took over night wakeups solely on our first after 4 months. 

anyone else experience this?

Solve the issues - lack of sleep and needing help with the kids. Let go of the resentment on your end and see whether she's capable of doing the same. You both have to work together. Is she resentful of your job or thinks you can work elsewhere with exclusive day time hours?

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Wow, that is inconsiderate 😕 .

My ex had those shifts... I remained away from the bedroom while he slept, KNOWING he had to work later!

It is plain respect.. she is lacking this 😕 .

is there maybe reason's she's acting out?  is she struggling maybe?  (if is lack of sleep, she can do that when baby naps).. otherwise, I don't know what's with all of that?

But, I was in exact same position and with baby/toddler.  I made it work.

I there another room you can crash in?  If she wants to act out like that!  heck, say fine, I'll go sleep at a friends place.. or the car.

She NEEDS to be more respectful than that.

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My dad worked all 3 shifts when i was a kid, in fact all of my life.  It was hard  when a kid, and my mother ran the horse like a drill sergeant, you didnt dare make anywise and wake up dad.  As a little kid I didnt really understand and I tried to be quiet.

Your wife is being so selfish.  She should try your schedule and see how she likes it.  She should do her best to keep the kids quiet, as hard as the is, and not purposely be makilng noise.

Do you think she wants you too quit your job and get a day job?

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Is the shift work voluntary for more pay, or can you opt for another work schedule?

Have you considered hiring help with child care?

I'd ask wife to give you some clarity about what kind(s) of solution(s) she wants from you that she believes you are not hearing.

Gather this information, and maybe we can be of better help.

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On 9/17/2021 at 8:35 AM, robertpaulsen said:

She seems annoyed when i sleep during day, as if i am ‘sleeping in’.

What does she expect? That you remain awake 24 hours a day! Lack of sleep is a huge factor in ill health. 

On 9/17/2021 at 8:35 AM, robertpaulsen said:

she is trying to get some kind of payback for her broken sleep since having kids,

I take it that you are the sole breadwinner Here? Yes? Then she needs to be more adult. ***-for-tat is childish. 

Someone has to work to keep you and your family. I assume she was aware at the outset that you have to work shifts.  As you mention 12-hour shifts I surmise that you may, perhaps, be working in a medical or care environment.

If you cannot have a nine to five job, then perhaps you will have to consider some form of child care, even if for a few hours daily.

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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I think also what's happening here, is that because you work night shifts, she's not able to have a break from the baby during the night as she has to take care of him/her too. And then during the day, OP is sleeping, and so she almost always has to take care of the baby. It's passive aggressive, but it's good to have an open loving conversation and as @DancingFool, dig your way out. It's all about communication and adapting to this stressful time in your lives.

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I really like catfeeder's problem solving approach.  So my husband does not work a night shift but he works best at night, late into the night.  And then "sleeps in" meaning he gets up 2-3 hours after I do/our son does.  So when my son was young and I was the SAH parent for 7 years that meant I did mornings. 

Son did get up around 7:30-8 when he was really young but once he was 4 it was more like 6.  Which meant we always had to be quiet -or out of the house - so husband can sleep. 

I respect that he works best at night - I'm a morning person and do my best work then so I get it.  But that meant 2 of us had 2-3 hours every day for years where if we couldn't leave the house we were kind of stuck and I was solo parenting.  Which I signed up for as a SAH parent.  But yes sometimes I felt resentment. He also traveled a great deal for work so I solo parented then too.  No outside help.  He encouraged me to get it but I didn't choose to -wasn't comfortable with strangers and that person would have had to take him out early morning since then it would be 3 of us staying quiet.  

Once I went back to work part time (around 20 hours a week give or take) I still accommodate the "sleeping in" but he does pitch in a bit more and I feel comfortable asking.  I should say he does A LOT as a parent despite working way more than full time, I'm just saying that that time of day with him asleep has always been a challenge for me.  

I think she needs to let you sleep so that you can sleep the normal amount of hours even if those hours are during the day.  

Edited by Batya33
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I suggest you both sit down and just talk instead of assuming things. Hear out each others expectations and figure out a compromise. OP we need you in the conversation here. We are wondering if there's alternative jobs out there for you or if you can switch shifts with someone, is this a money issue, any in-laws that can offer help, how often you two have quality time together, etc.

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