Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?

[Tinydance]

Very series question - what are you actually getting out of all this? This guy treats you, his wife, other mistress, his son, like garbage. He's a liar and cheater and only cares about himself. He's immature, playing games, trying to make you feel jealous on purpose. But he pretends he has morals because he's "religious". Newsflash  - he DOES NOT have any morals. I think at this point you would get more out of dating a garbage bin.

[Rose Mosse]

It’s a mistake to believe he’s doing anything for or about you including posting photos or being active on social media. You’re obsessed. Please leave the family alone. You’re not doing anyone any favours and the attraction to this train wreck is peculiar also. 

If I were in your place I’d seek counselling right away. Find a safe space to unpack all your issues without impacting others negatively.

[LaHermes]

3 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

he said well he hates emotion during sex and is a sociopath.

OP. What is so wonderful about this individual?  Are there no other respectable, decent and sane men where you live?

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself?

This statement is such a great example of how women use men as benchmarks against each other. Such a self-defeating psychology. Just dump the chump for god's sake. 

[smackie9]

It's a marriage of convenience. She gets what she wants and he gets what he wants. It's more common than you think.

[Gb8383]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's a marriage of convenience. She gets what she wants and he gets what he wants. It's more common than you think.

If so then why did he tell me he wouldn’t be able to see his son after she saw a photo posted publicly of us? Why would he refuse to even go to a work event together when we were coming from same place? Why would he refuse to meet my family even though we’d just been on. Vacation together? Like I said she did seem upset about the message I showed her where her hubby was taking their kid to another woman’s party 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Very series question - what are you actually getting out of all this? This guy treats you, his wife, other mistress, his son, like garbage. He's a liar and cheater and only cares about himself. He's immature, playing games, trying to make you feel jealous on purpose. But he pretends he has morals because he's "religious". Newsflash  - he DOES NOT have any morals. I think at this point you would get more out of dating a garbage bin.

again I ask, OP. Why are you so fixated on this trashy individual?  Why are you involved with him at all?!

[Gb8383]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

again I ask, OP. Why are you so fixated on this trashy individual?  Why are you involved with him at all?!

Well he would go out for meals with me and always pay, it wasn’t like he was only coming over for sex. He would agree to have my very young child around (though I did find him kind of weirdly cold w her, like would never smile at her or interact normally). We would talk a lot. But it really started to hurt that he insisted upon keeping me a secret to the world- I posted a nice, professional, and deserving statement about him when we worked at the same firm and he responded like he barely knew me, like “I am currently on vacation” when he knew I knew just where he was. So I don’t know why I am such trash he had to hide whereby (although only on a fake account that he knew I knew about and not his family) he could post photos of some other wOman 

[lostandhurt]

Obviously you and his wife have a lot in common.

No self esteem, no morals, horrible taste in men and worst of all you both are waiting for this piece of crap to grace you with his attention.

 The question you are asking is like asking someone if you should get new curtains when your are standing there watching your house burn to the ground. 

  Why don't you and the wife have lunch one day and you both can ask each other all the questions you want.  Since she is now aware of you and others why not?

Lost

[LaHermes]

OP, that is a very worrying reply! Do you realise what you are saying.

9 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

Well he would go out for meals with me and always pay, it wasn’t like he was only coming over for sex.

I want this conversation to move to YOU.  What this rubbishy individual does or doesn't do is quite beside the point. Why do YOU think you don't deserve anything better than this lying useless individual? 

You do realise (I assume) that there are decent men out there, single men, who would treat you with respect.  Would you not like to live a stable life with someone who respects you?  Is your self-worth and opinion of yourself so terribly low that this is the best you can do.

Do you intend to continue in this shadowy world, where there is no future?  You know what he is, you know he has no love or respect for you. But worst of all where is your love and respect for YOURSELF. 

 

[smackie9]

11 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

If so then why did he tell me he wouldn’t be able to see his son after she saw a photo posted publicly of us? Why would he refuse to even go to a work event together when we were coming from same place? Why would he refuse to meet my family even though we’d just been on. Vacation together? Like I said she did seem upset about the message I showed her where her hubby was taking their kid to another woman’s party 

Because they have rules to their arrangement. He's supposed to keep his indiscretions out of the public eye. The wife still wanted to up hold a public image, and their arrangement secret from family and friends. He's juggling several women, keeping them secret from one another. So he lies to you, he lies to other women to keep most of his game in order.

[Gb8383]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Because they have rules to their arrangement. He's supposed to keep his indiscretions out of the public eye. The wife still wanted to up hold a public image, and their arrangement secret from family and friends. He's juggling several women, keeping them secret from one another. So he lies to you, he lies to other women to keep most of his game in order.

So he risked that just to take his kid to that other woman’s party (the message I showed his wife that upset her)… or perhaps he didn’t do that at all? Maybe stuff w her is All elaborate lies in his head constructed to upset me. I mean, it is odd to only post about her on a fake social media account that he knows I have and no one real in his life then take it down when I directed his real family Tonit

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, Gb8383 said:

aybe stuff w her is All elaborate lies in his head constructed to upset me. I mean, it is odd to only post about her on a fake social media account that he knows I have and no one real in his life then take it down when I directed his real family Tonit

OP.  NONE of this is relevant. None of it. Could you please address what I am asking in my post above. 

[Gb8383]

10 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

I want this conversation to move to YOU.  What this rubbishy individual does or doesn't do is quite beside the point. Why do YOU think you don't deserve anything better than this lying useless individual? 

You do realise (I assume) that there are decent men out there, single men, who would treat you with respect.  Would you not like to live a stable life with someone who respects you?  Is your self-worth and opinion of yourself so terribly low that this is the best you can do.

 

Okay. I will do so. I do think I can find much better as in someone who doesn’t hide me from everyone, shows me affection instead of starting a sexual encounter by coldly saying “why don’t you (do this) to me,” is present to help with daily life (he never even opens the door for stroller when I have my daughter). But I am so turned on and drawn to the excitement of the ups/downs, feeling like he’s so aloof (as all our coworkers would say) and cares so little about anyone that any affection he showS me really means I’m special. I can’t get bored with him like I did w my ex husband who looked good on paper but was totally sexually inhibited, only wanted to talk about work (and threatened to divorce me if I suggested we talk about other things or criticized his business ideas at all).  The worst feeling to me is boredom, emptiness, being trapped.

I felt like if I were good enough and strong enough (to relax and not question this guy when he’s with his wife or other women) then he’d stay with me

[Seraphim]

Oh God I feel so bad for his kids. I really do. I remember when I was six and my dad had his visitation weekend. He brought some 18 year old side piece with her 2 year old with her. Trying to “ make my mom jealous”  because she was getting remarried. All it did was devastate ME. 
Ugh. People like this make me want to vomit. 

[LaHermes]

14 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

. But I am so turned on and drawn to the excitement of the ups/downs, feeling like he’s so aloof

Heaven help you OP.  This individual really has done a number on you.  It is quite chilling to read what you write. 

14 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

The worst feeling to me is boredom, emptiness, being trapped.

Sadly, OP, this is exactly where you are at the moment.  Trapped and empty.  This individual has effectively "kidnapped" you, and you are just like someone tied up in a dark room, where a few crumbs of food are thrown at her now and then. 

So, (and you refer to your ex-husband) you literally jumped from the frying pan into the fire. 

You need to break free of this awful existence OP. And you will need professional help to do it. 

There are no Van Helsings here to drag you away from this particular vampire, OP. You are badly trapped and you need help there in real life to retrieve your life, somehow. 

[DarkCh0c0]

10 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

felt like if I were good enough and strong enough (to relax and not question this guy when he’s with his wife or other women) then he’d stay with me

Unfortunately, it's not about you. It doesn't always work this way. The other person has to want you as much as you want them.

You need to change your mindset and your alarming attention-seeking people-pleasing tendencies. Please seek help from a professional, read books or listen to podcasts about self-worth, and start realising that this isn't the healthy way to feel special.

You are attached to someone who doesn't give a crap about you. And you love it. I very much suspect it has to do with your upbringing, considering you attracted such men twice. And this is something you need to discuss with a pro.

Have even taken a break and spent time with yourself after the divorce, or did you jump into this absent disrespectful man's arms immediately?

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I very much suspect it has to do with your upbringing, considering you attracted such men twice. And this is something you need to discuss with a pro.

Yes. Choco.  I was about to ask OP the same.

There has to be a reason why a person would have so little self-worth as to enjoy being ill-treated.

[Gb8383]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:Have even taken a break and spent time with yourself after the divorce, or did you jump into this absent disrespectful man's arms immediately?

Immediate. I mean he used to text me Constantly and yes a lot of the conversations were sexual Almost from the beginnin but we were friends too. And our sex was off the charts. But then he freaked out after he’d been away for months visiting his family and finally came back and the first weekend back, told me he was going to a work conference w his friend, didn’t invite me along, when I expressed disappointment he said how he could only do casual and can’t have commitment, a relationship, or to answer to anyone. Needs his freedom at all times. I don’t know how I could ever get stability from someone like that when he was so unstable he left his own kid far away

[DarkCh0c0]

@LaHermesexactly. Must be some childhood trauma, alarmingly low self-worth (thus the self-destructive tendencies), absent parent(s), ... I'm not a pro, but OP does not seem to be aware of how alarming this is for her. A professional is definitely needed.

[Seraphim]

What is alarming as well is how parents act affect their children whether the child is there or not . And a surprising number of people think their children know nothing and live in a vacuum about their parents activities. I knew my father was a cheating scum when I was 4 years old. 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

when I expressed disappointment he said how he could only do casual and can’t have commitment, a relationship, or to answer to anyone. Needs his freedom at all times. I don’t know how I could ever get stability from someone like that when he was so unstable he left his own kid far away

Okay. When people show* you clearly how they are, and they're not in line with what you need, then you decline. You need to learn that you deserve a man who gives you the attention you need in a loving and respectful way.

It doesn't have to be like this. I would really encourage you to seek professional help to help you get in touch with those feelings, why you have them, and how to find better alternatives than chasing a disrespectful uncaring unethical man. You are worthy. Love is not what you've learned at home, with your ex, this man, or even with yourself sweetheart.

 

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

If so then why did he tell me he wouldn’t be able to see his son after she saw a photo posted publicly of us? Why would he refuse to even go to a work event together when we were coming from same place? Why would he refuse to meet my family even though we’d just been on. Vacation together? Like I said she did seem upset about the message I showed her where her hubby was taking their kid to another woman’s party 

Why? Because he can.  Or as we tell children "because the moon is made of green cheese".  Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  He is getting what he wants -sex from you - you have no clue what she gets out of the arrangement -and it's none of your business.  He may be lying to you about why he can't see you -perhaps he met another woman who performs better sexually and he figures he'll sample what she has to offer and come back to you if it doesn't pan out.  

She may have serious mental health issues but that would be a wild guess just like any thing you think about is just a wild guess. Who cares -if you stop having sex with him and interacting with him this whole drama you've created goes away poof and then you can stop putting other people at risk of being hurt including innocent kids.

[DarkCh0c0]

38 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

I can’t get bored with him like I did w my ex husband who looked good on paper but was totally sexually inhibited, only wanted to talk about work (and threatened to divorce me if I suggested we talk about other things or criticized his business ideas at all).

I can't but shake my head while re-reading this. How did you find such horrible man?! Did you marry and have sex at the office too?!

Honey, most normal men would not dismiss your existence like that.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

if you stop having sex with him and interacting with him this whole drama you've created goes away poof and then you can stop putting other people at risk of being hurt including innocent kids.

100%. This is what you need to do OP for your own good and your baby's. Block this man and please consider therapy. Explore this situation within yourself.