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Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?


Gb8383
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Was involved with a married man for years. He moved far away from his wife and son, says he left selfishly with no remorse. (Then says how much he misses his son- but it’s his doing!) Says he’s had no physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for their son and because he doesn’t want to lose his $.

Initially made me think he was leaving his wife, then (surprise!) never mind. He kept me hidden and said he wants no relationship or commitment. At one point he told me he wanted some other faraway woman and she was coming to stay with him, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for a while but even then, if I dated anybody else he’d try to make me feel horrible. Then he said, “that other woman has only ever been a friend, and I was just exaggerating & am not seeing her.” OH and in the midst of all this, he’d post photos of his wife and son with some cutesy caption like everything fine.

Recently: he’ll sext me, ask for sexy photos (I decline), and talk about plans to have sex with me when he’s back from visiting his son. Then he slid into conversation that he was taking his son to a party with this other woman he’d tried to use to make me jealous before. THEN he posted photos of that other woman (her alone, not w him) on social media w the caption “so pretty”… an account where his family isn’t linked to him/can’t find him (fake name), but he knew I could see it. Well now his family has seen it… I’m sure they were shocked that he publicly (even tho he didn’t think they’d find it) posted stuff about a woman other than his wife bc he only posts about wifey on his social media and makes everyone think he’s staying married…

Eventually I told his wife. She didn’t seem to care at all about the cheating - “oh you’re being used too? Cool, lmk when the wedding is.” But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off. 

The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself? Is this other woman he speaks about jusT going to end up chewed up and spat out too? His wife seemS to think so. Do you think he posted photos of that woman just to upset me? (Again he knew I knew about that account but it doesn’t have his real name so most others don’t.) So sick!

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8 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

Eventually I told his wife. But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. 

So you ratted him out because he got another mistress?

Try to pull yourself together. Delete and block all these people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 Are you in a relationship?

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This man has zero morale and zero standards.

It doesn't matter why/what/how. I don't even know why you got involved with a married man! You don't have better self esteem than this?

As wiseman suggested, block and delete him and his people. This is a toxic cycle/drama. You need to work in yourself and focus on being with single committed men instead.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Why do you care about her reaction? All you have in common with her is that you've had intercourse with the same man.  She's a stranger to you and she could have been lying to you or to herself etc but really who cares? You're just trying to stir up drama and it's really low to tell her about her child (which is actually just based on your sex partner telling you he did) - are you really so bored with your life that you've taken to meddling in other peoples' families and trying to hurt people? 

You're not crazy for having had feelings of wanting another person.  The concerning part is how you acted on those feelings and continue to act.  How about take a good look at your own ethics and values and decide to make some changes to your behavior so that you're acting with common sense, decency, respect and basic manners.  Perhaps find a trusted person at your place of worship if you go to one or even read books by, for example, Martha Beck or even Maya Angelou (I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - a really inspiring book overall and not about why not to have an affair but you might get a different, healthier perspective on humanity)  Good luck!

Edited by Batya33
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Meddler is fair. I just thought she had the right to see messages proving that while she thought her hubs was just hanging out with their son (and they’re still playing happy married family), he was actually taking the child to some other mistress’s party!

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39 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

Meddler is fair. I just thought she had the right to see messages proving that while she thought her hubs was just hanging out with their son (and they’re still playing happy married family), he was actually taking the child to some other mistress’s party!

Nah, it wasn’t about making her aware for her sake or even the son’s sake. It was about yourself. At least be truthful to yourself. 

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48 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

Meddler is fair. I just thought she had the right to see messages proving that while she thought her hubs was just hanging out with their son (and they’re still playing happy married family), he was actually taking the child to some other mistress’s party!

Maybe she is as bad as he is!  Maybe she's got a boyfriend.  It's not your job to be an informant.

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Yeah.. this is all one hot mess 😕 .

I feel you are more hurt over your own experience with him.. and so ticked off, you're acting our in vengence.

You know that saying . . Never do something you're going to regret?

Okay, so with YOU knowing he was hiding you, did that not set off red flags? And, him saying he wants no relationship or commitment?  And you remain.. why?  All he has done is leading you on.. and on.

And he has possibly, another woman hanging in the shadows?  And still deals with the wife?

Wow.. talk about a soap opera.

I'd be long gone by now.. as I am not one to be messed around this way.. So, how about YOU stop all of this. Don't deal with the loser anymore and also gain some control - Is never a good idea to feel the need to contact the wife.  of course that'll set him off.

Like other's have said... why do you care?

It's just a mess... I would take the high road and be long gone from all of it!

I suppose you'll now take this as a learning experience, to not go near a married man.

 

 

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9 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off. 

The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care,

Based on your description, she does care. 

Anyway, it's not your business. Leave this man alone and go get your own sandwich. 

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Why doesn’t his wife care he’s cheating?

Because in most cases they already know. But are complaying with it from some reason, whether its family, money or something else. I know an example ‚where husband opened a store credit where wife and mistress both buy clothes and accessories. Wife knew about it but just didnt care as long as he is buying stuff.

Anyway, where you hoping that after you ratted him out she will left him? You all are in perpetual circle with that guy for years.  Why did you think ratting him out will bring anything else but what she told you? Only reason she seem to care is because he involved the son too.

12 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

Do you think he posted photos of that woman just to upset me?

I am sorry, but I dont think he cares that much about you, he just found a new toy to play and doesnt care if you are upset or not. Get away from there and reflect why did you spend years with married man who never wanted to commit to anything with you.

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51 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but I dont think he cares that much about you, he just found a new toy to play and doesnt care if you are upset or not. Get away from there and reflect why did you spend years with married man who never wanted to commit to anything with you.

He didn’t post anything about this woman on his real Social media. It’s an account w a fake name on a platform and he only knows of me knowing it. No one else from his real life even is a follower. And I wonder if these photos/videos of her are even ones she took with him/sent him. He might be fabricating the whole thing just to make me jealous.  When it was brought to the attention of his family he took the whole thing down, not “ok tough luck this is my new woman.” I don’t think he’ll ever be free to have a public woman other than his wife. He’s told me himself he’s staying married and it’s what’s best for the kids 

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@Gb8383 okay.

Then what do you want out of this thread? Why did you post here?

Did you expect us to tell you "she never loved him. He chose you and you're his true love" while he's sleeping with another woman?

There's something sickening in this dynamic that you keep seeking. I'd explore that if I were you.

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26 minutes ago, Gb8383 said:

He didn’t post anything about this woman on his real Social media. It’s an account w a fake name on a platform and he only knows of me knowing it. No one else from his real life even is a follower. 

Why do you even want a werido who does crap like this? 

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50 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Gb8383 okay.

 

Did you expect us to tell you "she never loved him. He chose you and you're his true love" while he's sleeping with another woman?

 

No one said he’s sleeping w another. In fact throughout our time together he’d  often abruptly withdraw sex, said he felt guilty religiously since it wasn’t w his wife or that he just doesn’t want to be controlled by or need sex. Would just announce to me randomly I wouldn’t be getting it for a few months. BUT then many other periods he’d all but walk in, say hello, then abruptly say “why don’t you (go down on me) now.” Never a kiss, warm greeting, cuddle, hand held. Just a cold sudden suggestion that I should do something sexual for him. It was always that way and when I called him out he said well he hates emotion during sex and is a sociopath. So is this person really so magically different w this other woman w whom he claims to be hanging out? 

And again given this was a fake hidden account only I happened to know, and he took her photo down once his family was told , I think it was all to get back at me for dating other people and going out that night not falling for his garbage 

Edited by Gb8383
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1 hour ago, Gb8383 said:

Never a kiss, warm greeting, cuddle, hand held. Just a cold sudden suggestion that I should do something sexual for him. It was always that way and when I called him out he said well he hates emotion during sex and is a sociopath. So is this person really so magically different w this other woman w whom he claims to be hanging out? 

Why did you need to call him out? Meaning did you really respond with anything but "please leave now" when he spoke to you in that manner? Do you really think you -the woman on the side -is going to convince him to speak more respectfully to you or anyone else -why would he listen to you when you're just someone he enjoys having intercourse or hook ups with? Especially since he knows you're fine having sex with a married man.   You can muse all you want about whether he's "magically different" with anyone else - do you do that about every stranger who treats you rudely on the street? So why even go there or invest any time in contemplating whether your occasional sex partner is courteous to any other sex partner, person, his wife, whatever.

Why are you settling for scraps and so invested in hurting other people?

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2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

There's something sickening in this dynamic that you keep seeking. I'd explore that if I were you.

I repeat this regardless of what.

Why lower yourself to be someone's last choice? To not be treated right by a man? To be committed to by an honest single man?

Are you your own last choice as well? And, you put people's opinion of you and their needs selfishly above yours?

If there's anything that this man is giving you, I guarantee you there are better men out there who can give it to you AND more. The problem here is not the man, his wife, his other gf/mistress. It's YOU.

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3 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

He didn’t post anything about this woman on his real Social media. It’s an account w a fake name on a platform and he only knows of me knowing it. No one else from his real life even is a follower.

Yes, because its his secret account so he could write to you or any other interested party without family knowing about it. After you ratted him out he deleted the evidence. If you believe you are his only one from his "double life" you are just naive. And if he is trying to make you jealous then he succeeded in that because you are seething and even needed to report that to his wife. If you exclude all other parties, do you even see how damaging that is for you? You are getting mad and jealous over a man who does this

2 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

BUT then many other periods he’d all but walk in, say hello, then abruptly say “why don’t you (go down on me) now.” Never a kiss, warm greeting, cuddle, hand held. Just a cold sudden suggestion that I should do something sexual for him. It was always that way and when I called him out he said well he hates emotion during sex and is a sociopath.

Do you even see that he doesnt care about you at all? And that you are just his sex buddy when wife or other women dont give him? In another example

2 hours ago, Gb8383 said:

Would just announce to me randomly I wouldn’t be getting it for a few months.

Can you read between lines? And that it means he does get it somewhere else and that you wasnt even needed for that. I really fail to see why you are stuck up on that guy. And why are you still playing the role of jealous mistress.

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