Please help me understand how to become more empathic towards my partner

[anon11]

My partner found a pair of my safety glasses from work at 8 am and expressed they liked them. I knew from previous discussions the night before that they have been struggling to find a pair of safety glasses that fitted them well at their work, and it has been a point of continual burden to them that causes them pain and discomfort. My partner asked if they could have the glasses they found, and I said yes, have them. They requested they wanted new safety glasses, to which I stated I could not get the exact pair of glasses from work as they were not given out by my work but were provided during a customer visit. At this point, my partner stormed off without saying a word. They feel resentful towards me to the point of changing their entire persona towards me. They retreated away from me physically and isolated themselves in another part of the house.

When I approached them about this, they said that they hate the fact they feel compelled to talk to me about their needs (which I think implies they are resentful of having me as their partner) and that I should be more empathic to what would make them happy. Although I work from home, I was in meetings between 8 am and 11 pm, so it was not on my mind to try and source a pair of safety glasses for them. I know that they do not require the safety glasses until they return to work in a week, but honestly, I would have likely forgotten to source the glasses before they returned due to my preoccupation with my work commitments. They asked me to borrow my car at 11 am so that they could drive 30 minutes to pick up a pair of safety glasses. I was unaware that they had spent the last few hours feeling despondent while in work calls, and I commented that I could have likely ordered safety glasses to be delivered (at mid day). This comment made them become aggravated again. They again noted their distrust in me being able to support their needs.

My partner often comments that I get focused on the details and miss the bigger picture. I agree with them that I often get focused on small details and become stuck. I think I am overanalyzing this particular situation, but it reflects other circumstances where I feel I am not meeting their needs. Overall I feel burdened and drained knowing that one small slip up of not being empathic towards them for something I perceive as small could cause an outburst that quickly escalates into them thinking that they do not feel I care for them on a much larger scale. I agree wholeheartedly that I could have been more proactive in sourcing the glasses for them. It would have been a nice gesture of goodwill from me to provide them and show that I had been thinking about them, but sometimes I just do not put "two and two" together and act on the small things they discuss. I would prefer if my partner outright asked me if I could please try and find the safety glasses for them instead of being empathic and reading between the lines. I feel isolated and upset with myself by their initial reaction to storm out. I believe they misinterpreted my statement that I could not get the exact glasses they requested, meaning that I did not want to help them source glasses. This isolation made my partner feel isolated and resent me that they had to find something themselves. 

I feel frustrated and isolated that I am not as empathic as I need to be towards my partner's suffering regarding the glasses. The speed at which situations change based on my singular comment that "I cannot get the exact pair of safety glasses they found" leads them to extrapolate that I do not care about their suffering as a whole - which is wholly untrue. However, my actions with the glasses demonstrated that I am not meeting their needs and am not providing them enough care or empathy. Would you please help me understand how to be more empathic towards my partner and balance work commitments with their needs? The weight of feeling inadequate to my partner's needs is something that I have struggled with and has significantly affected my self-confidence, self-worth, and ability to function. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and unable to breathe for fear of failing, but the outcome seems to be that I inevitably fail regardless of my actions.

[Fudgie]

What your partner is doing sounds emotionally abusive. I don't see you having a lack of empathy; your partner seems to be out of touch with reality. 

You're busy, working at home, and your partner is off for the time being. Will need safety goggles at some point soon and they like yours and ask for it, you agree. Then they decided they want NEW glasses and you explain that you don't know how to procure that exact kind and return to your work. 

First of all, your partner has no right getting angry for verbally expressing their needs. That is part of being an adult. No one, including you, is a mind reader. 

It's completely unreasonable and, frankly, insane for them to expect you to DROP WORK to go hunting for safety goggles of a certain variety that 1) could be done in your off time and 2) the goggles aren't even needed yet. 

When you don't meet this crazy request, you are told that you're uncaring, not empathetic, etc. so you feel bad about yourself. No, this is not right. Forget the emotional screeching from your partner and focus on the situation logically. Does this make sense? Would you do this if the tables were flipped? 

Could you imagine expecting your partner to READ YOUR MIND and know your desires without you telling them, then flipping out when this doesn't happen? Or wanting  them to dump work (lose money/respect at work) to find safety goggles that you don't even need quite yet? 

Let me put it this way: read back your post to me and pretend a friend told you this same story. What would your advice be? What would you think of the partner? 

[Fudgie]

Walking on eggshells is NOT healthy or normal. Being scared of any "slip ups" which lead to your partner flipping out on you and accusing you of being a bad partner is NOT healthy or normal. 

Relationships are to be supportive. Everyone slips up, everyone! A healthy partner will understand this and, knowing that you are trying your best, will still love and accept you, as you do the same in return when they mess up. 

[MissCanuck]

Is this is the same person who gave you a hard time and bullied you for not doing their schoolwork for them? 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, anon11 said:

  I feel like I am walking on eggshells and unable to breathe for fear of failing, 

Do you have friends and family nearby? Be honest with them about this pervasive pattern of abuse.

Read up on abusive relationships. Same sex relationships have just as much abuse as any others.

Do you co-own or co-lease? Is it your place or your partner's place?

Either way find a way to extricate yourself from this.

Unless this is a BDSM situation in which you are a willing participant in this master/slave dynamic you describe, it's basically abuse.

Do not let anyone drive your vehicle. Sever all financial ties. Talk to a physician about your mental and physical health .

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and a better understanding of healthy interpersonal interactions.

Being a martyr and doormat does not make anyone a good person.

Your partner is abusive as you very well seem to know, but either you're on board with it or you get help to extricate yourself from it.

[poorlittlefish]

Your partner's reaction to such a miniscule issue is way off the chart.  It's manipulative and childish.  If she absolutely must have new glasses of a particular type, then why can't she get online and source a pair herself?  She sounds very entitled and demanding and you are paying the price because you are allowing this behaviour.  Instead of giving in to unreasonableness, stand up to it and call it out for what it is.  She won't like it, but if it doesn't bring her to her senses then it's time to get out.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, anon11 said:

When I approached them about this, they said that they hate the fact they feel compelled to talk to me about their needs

That's bizarre. Unless, perhaps, you are dating a monarch. I can see how royalty would be offended if a mere peon like yourself expects Their Royal Highness to explain Themselves to lowly you. 

[smackie9]

IMO you were more than generous to offer the ones you had. They are so ungrateful, and ungrateful people deserve nothing.

[anon11]

More discussions with my partner occurred after the event. We discovered that my partner does not feel appreciated in the relationship and that the safety glasses incident was the "tip of the iceberg". Their perception of the event was that even though my first statement to them that they could have the safety glasses that I had on my shelf was helpful, the second point I raised about not being able to source the exact pair of glasses was negative. My second comment shut the conversation down and made them feel like I did not want them to have the glasses. In the follow-up discussion, I explained that I had zero attachment to the glasses and that they were welcome to have the glasses, but my partner did not accept this as a reasonable, logical conclusion. I apologised to my partner for making a negative comment. I promised to work hard on my attitude moving forward. Instead of shutting a conversation down with negativity, I will try to make our lives more positive. For example, instead of saying I "could not source the same pair of glasses", I could enable them to say, "I am not sure where to get them, but I will find out as soon as I finish work for the day". I agree that I closed the conversation and could have provided a better response to create a positive outcome, and I apologised for doing so. Still, I struggle with the speed at which my partner shifts from feeling supported to feeling disconnected. If I say something slightly the wrong way, they tend to retreat into themselves and expect me to understand their perspective.

My partner explained that they do not feel appreciated overall in the relationship. We have discussed our love languages. Mine is spending time together, and theirs is receiving gifts or acts of sacrifice. This dichotomy is diagonally opposed, and I have been working to make my partner appreciate gifts. Still, I have been wholly unsuccessful to date as it is not something that I value as it feels like I am buying my way out of a problem.

Conversely, I understand that part of love is adapting to the other person's needs and wants. My partner explained it is not the value of the gift they appreciate but the thought behind the small things. For example, if they notice they are running low on hair products, it would be nice for me to pick them up something extra. Or, in the case of the safety glasses, if I know that they do not have safety glasses that fit them at work, then it would be nice of me to do some research and try and find them a replacement before they ask. I agree that I could do more of these small actions, and I feel worthless that I do not seemingly have the mental capacity to think of the small things that would make them feel more appreciated.

Another example is that if I know, they are trying to learn to ride a bicycle, I should preempt that they will need a bicycle to practice. I should purchase a bicycle, even though my partner noted two weeks prior that they did not want to purchase a bicycle until they had the opportunity to practice learning on a borrowed bicycle. I later found them a bicycle that they could borrow to practice on, but my partner noted they would have preferred I took the initiative to purchase them a bicycle for them instead. Another example is my partner's laptop, which has issues with battery life. I am aware that they do not have time to sort the issue themselves due to their work commitments, and they later expressed they expected that I should have paid for and fixed the laptop myself as an act of care for them and to show them that I had been thinking about them. My partner mentioned that they were given more gifts and tangible chivalrous acts of love in their previous relationships and that they should not have to compromise on who they choose as their partner. I believe my partner implies that I can and should be replaced by someone else if I do not do small actions that show them I care and appreciate them.

I feel I have become an unfeeling human who does not meet my partner's requirements for chivalry and thoughtfulness. I agree that I could do more little things for them, but I seem to keep missing the opportunities. I feel worthless and sad that I am making them unhappy and I feel broken as a human that I need to be more thoughtful in expressing myself in their love language. As a result, I have become a more closed and insensitive person through this journey. I know that my partner has lost trust in my ability to provide for their happiness and to provide them with the level of excitement and chivalry they desire. This loss of trust has created a larger rift between us and contributes to why small incidents remind them of the resentment that I feel they have for me.

[Capricorn3]

All I see is toxic and dysfunctional. She's beyond selfish and entitled but the most confusing thing of all is why on earth you put up with it all.  That says more about you than her.

[Rose Mosse]

You're both incompatible. Call a spade a spade please. Enough with the bickering and back and forth. Neither of you are happy.

[poorlittlefish]

OP, what you've said now makes the situation sound even more horrendous than it already did.  I reiterate that she's entitled and manipulative, but I'd add narcissistic into the mix.  She wants acts of sacrifice?  Her happiness depends on you buying her things and noticing she needs things she could easily get herself?  No, no, no.  What about YOUR happiness?  If a friend said their partner had done everything you've described, would you advise them to stay in the relationship?  I very much doubt it.

[boltnrun]

You're using the pronoun "they". Is your partner the same gender as you or non binary?  For the record,  none of us would be offended if it's either case.

Your partner is entitled and selfish.  They expect you to magically know what they want and not only that, but spend your hard earned money on buying them things. Expensive things. If your partner needs a new laptop they can buy one themself.

How many times has your partner bought you something because the one you had didn't work right or was old or broken? Without you asking?

[melancholy123]

What the hell?  Why do you call this person they and them?  What's wrong with he or him or she and her?  

I am assuming they are a male and one who is acting like a big baby.  You gave him the safety glasses, what more could he possibly want?  I fail to see any reason for the childish reaction.

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, anon11 said:

Another example is my partner's laptop, which has issues with battery life. I am aware that they do not have time to sort the issue themselves due to their work commitments, and they later expressed they expected that I should have paid for and fixed the laptop myself as an act of care for them and to show them that I had been thinking about them.

What? Your partner is not entitled to that stuff. If they need laptop, or bike, or anything else they can buy it. People in relationship do that kind of stuff, for anniversaries, birthdays, heck even just because. But they do it because they want to and because other side does the same for them. If he/she expects you to just buy them all that, that is just entitlement. 

[Batya33]

I'm familiar with this whole new "they" and "them" stuff but for the record -wow, it's really distracting and makes it so much harder in this specific context to provide input -so much harder to read and decipher.  Which also made me wonder -is your partner the one who insists on "they" and them" -is this another instance of your partner micromanaging your life? Whether your partner is a male/female/non-binary I agree with the others.  Ridiculous demands on your partner's part.

[abitbroken]

Some people use "they" so they don't say anything identifying where someone can't guess who you are -- but it would be helpful to know if you are a man and woman, two dudes, two ladies, etc....

Sorry, he or she is a jerk.  You are not unfeeling. They are making you feel like you are the crazy one.

I really think he or she set you up for failure - to pretend that your safety glasses were the ONLY possible thing that would satisfy the need and its your fault.

This is not healthy. you are going to make yourself crazy or be absolutely spent and crushed and feel like you don't have a soul after awhile.  Please please reconsider this relatonship