Is it fair for me to be upset about this?

[pjant]

I moved in with my partner about 2 weeks ago. We’ve been dating for a year and a half. I work full time Monday- Friday. She does as well but she works 95% from home at the moment and often complains about not having much to do. This pretty much leads to her finding friends to hang out with during the day pretty much as much as she can. That is fine, my issue is that today, about an hour before it was time for me to get off, she texted saying she was about to hang with a friend soon. That’s cool, no problem, but then she states that said friend is going to be coming over. I got upset but was just like okay cool. I’m upset because since we are living together now I feel like I should get more than an hours notice of people coming over. I’m not sure if it’s wrong to be upset. I’m just always exhausted after work and don’t really feel like entertaining her friends when I get off. All of her friends are younger and it’s a lot of energy for me. I can just go in the house and not mingle but she assumes I’m mad at her or something when really I just don’t want to deal with people. I’m highly introverted and just want to relax in my house. And if I would have been prepared it’s different because I would know that I have to do that when I get off but they (her and her friends ) always do things last minute and she gets upset when I just am not up for it. She knows the type of person I am so I don’t get it? 

[DancingFool]

She may know in theory, but not in practice. Just like you would with roommates, you and her need to sit down and work out some basic house rules, including and especially when company is welcome and when not.

It's not about being upset and quietly stewing in resentment, but rather about communication with your partner. Be clear and honest about what you want and need and seek out some kind of a compromise that works for both of you.

Now if you try to approach her about it and she refuses to listen, gets upset, doesn't want to see your point of view and doesn't want to compromise or adjust her behavior.....consider that you and her are not compatible and will not work out in the long run.

Try to talk about this when you are both calm and have some time to hash things out so you can both be happy. Remember that partners aren't mind readers and living together does take some adjustment for both people and a whole lot of getting used to. Especially when you have opposing personalities, aka introvert/extrovert.

[Seraphim]

This is called growing pains and learning how to live together. Is it her place you moved into or yours? 

[pjant]

12 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

She may know in theory, but not in practice. Just like you would with roommates, you and her need to sit down and work out some basic house rules, including and especially when company is welcome and when not.

It's not about being upset and quietly stewing in resentment, but rather about communication with your partner. Be clear and honest about what you want and need and seek out some kind of a compromise that works for both of you.

Now if you try to approach her about it and she refuses to listen, gets upset, doesn't want to see your point of view and doesn't want to compromise or adjust her behavior.....consider that you and her are not compatible and will not work out in the long run.

Try to talk about this when you are both calm and have some time to hash things out so you can both be happy. Remember that partners aren't mind readers and living together does take some adjustment for both people and a whole lot of getting used to. Especially when you have opposing personalities, aka introvert/extrovert.

You’re right, I did just kind of expect her to understand but I will try to have a full conversation about this. I’m afraid of coming off as controlling or anything as she was in a really bad relationship right before where she was always told what to do and what not to do(it’s way more serious than that but I’ll save the details).  I’m afraid of her thinking that I want to control what she’s doing. I always get myself ready to have these conversations but back out because I don’t know how to say it right. 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, it's fair to be upset about this. 

I'm currently working from home (tele working) as is my husband due to yet another pandemic surge.  I don't want to home entertain even after tele working all day.  I'm tired. 

I remember my long commutes to work and coming home exhausted.  I wouldn't appreciate having to don my social face for visitors in my house!  No way.  My house is my sanctuary after a long day at work.  I want to clean up, feel refreshed, relax and eat in that order!  I'm in no mood for home entertaining whatsoever.  That's out of the question. 

Compromise with your partner.  Request cooperation from her.  Ask her to socialize OUTSIDE your home such as meeting her friend for coffee, tea or refreshments somewhere in public.  Then she'll come home feeling content, you had some peace and quiet with a chance to relax and it's a happy medium. 

[pjant]

17 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

This is called growing pains and learning how to live together. Is it her place you moved into or yours? 

We got a new place together. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, pjant said:

We got a new place together. 

OK ,so this is neutral ground . You need to sit down when you guys are not irritated with each other and have a frank discussion about how the both of you would like things to be and both of you need to compromise

[pjant]

7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, it's fair to be upset about this. 

I'm currently working from home (tele working) as is my husband due to yet another pandemic surge.  I don't want to home entertain even after tele working all day.  I'm tired. 

I remember my long commutes to work and coming home exhausted.  I wouldn't appreciate having to don my social face for visitors in my house!  No way.  My house is my sanctuary after a long day at work.  I want to clean up, feel refreshed, relax and eat in that order!  I'm in no mood for home entertaining whatsoever.  That's out of the question. 

Compromise with your partner.  Request cooperation from her.  Ask her to socialize OUTSIDE your home such as meeting her friend for coffee, tea or refreshments somewhere in public.  Then she'll come home feeling content, you had some peace and quiet with a chance to relax and it's a happy medium. 

I truly do not mind if they socialize at our home. It’s more about her telling me at the last minute because I have been ready to go home and relax all day and then there is an hour left of my shift and she decides to last minute have someone over. I don’t mind people coming over or anything, I just want to know in advance. Her telling me things ahead of time is something we have talked about before and after I talked about it things were fine until recently*. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, pjant said:

she states that said friend is going to be coming over.  I feel like I should get more than an hours notice of people coming over. 

Yes you need to talk about it, however  she can have friends over and hours notice is fine. Perhaps you can chill in the bedroom?

[pjant]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes you need to talk about it, however  she can have friends over and hours notice is fine. Perhaps you can chill in the bedroom?

I want to chill in* the bedroom but she gets upset when I don’t want to mingle with them. I would not care if she didn’t expect me to entertain them. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, pjant said:

I want to chill in* the bedroom but she gets upset when I don’t want to mingle with them. I would not care if she didn’t expect me to entertain them. 

Ok then it's an imposition. Just explain that you'll chill in the bedroom because your not up to mingling.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, pjant said:

I want to chill in* the bedroom but she gets upset when I don’t want to mingle with them. I would not care if she didn’t expect me to entertain them. 

This is something you need to discuss with her when you’re not irritated though. 

[Seraphim]

When I have my girlfriends over to watch scary movies my husband just goes to our room and watches the TV there. I don’t expect him to entertain my friends. 

[Andrina]

It's not controlling. It's voicing your needs, which are reasonable. The alternative is building up resentment and being a doormat. Come to a consensus that will satisfy you both, or at least a decision you both can live with. If she doesn't care how you feel, then she doesn't care about you. I make concessions for my husband, and he does the same for me. No two people, whether roommates or romantic partners, are ever exactly the same on all issues. Yes, you have to communicate. 

[Cherylyn]

54 minutes ago, pjant said:

I truly do not mind if they socialize at our home. It’s more about her telling me at the last minute because I have been ready to go home and relax all day and then there is an hour left of my shift and she decides to last minute have someone over. I don’t mind people coming over or anything, I just want to know in advance. Her telling me things ahead of time is something we have talked about before and after I talked about it things were fine until recently*. 

It's fair to be upset about this.  She should've told you in advance as opposed to the last minute.  If she refuses to alter her behavior, you cannot change her habits.  Either accept the way she is or realize she is not for you long term. 

[Lambert]

Couldn't you just say hello, how are you to them and then excuse yourself "to give them girl time" or just say, hey I'm so glad you came by. but that you had a long day and if they don't mind you are going to hang out in another room? 

There is no reason you have to entertain her company just because you live there.  

And if she thinks you're mad at her, you can kindly let her know that's not it at all. and that you both live here. those were her plans and if she expected you to be involved, maybe she can give you more notice next time.  no harm no fowl. it's all in how you say it. 

You gotta find a way to understand each other and not be forced to do things every single time. especially without notice so you could prepare. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

What is "more than an hour's notice"? Be more specific in future. For example, mention that you'd like to know the day before. 

You both may have different lifestyles but you can respect one another. 

If you come home and there are guests, be polite and welcoming. Smile, be friendly and say hello to them. It's your home just as much as hers. Don't let your resentments for each other on this one thing make your home inhospitable to you. 

She may make a comment here and there about socializing a bit more so compromise. If she gives you notice the day before you can be more prepared for company. Otherwise, you will be retiring for the evening. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, pjant said:

I’m upset because since we are living together now I feel like I should get more than an hours notice of people coming over. I’m not sure if it’s wrong to be upset. I’m just always exhausted after work and don’t really feel like entertaining her friends when I get off.

Then you need to explain this to her...

Yes, communication is necessary so BOTH of you can try to 'work through your issue's;.

This is an adjustment for both you right now, so some things need to be ironed out.

.........................

3 hours ago, pjant said:

she gets upset when I just am not up for it. She knows the type of person I am so I don’t get it? 

Okay, so she knows the kind of person you are.. But, how about the kind of person SHE is?

You both need to try and accept how each of you two work.

As mentioned, you can say HI then move to your own space..this is how things can be when 'living' with other's.

 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, pjant said:

I’m afraid of coming off as controlling or anything as she was in a really bad relationship right before where she was always told what to do and what not to do(it’s way more serious than that but I’ll save the details).  I’m afraid of her thinking that I want to control what she’s doing. I always get myself ready to have these conversations but back out because I don’t know how to say it right.

Ok, so YOU are living in an uncertain/ uneasy environment with her?  That's not so easy...

How long have you two been involved? Because if it was not long that she got involved with you, since her last 'damaging' relationship, this is not a good thing - because it almost sounds like she is still affected from her past... 

Communication is necessary in a relationship, and you can't feel like you are walking on eggshells.

[gamon]

She can invite a friend over, nothing wrong with that, sorry you're so tired, no one is forcing you to hang out with them, you're being unreasonable.

That's my vote.

 

[Gagecmp]

I don’t think you’re overreacting or being unreasonable at all to expect a little more notice when friends are coming over that you’re going to be guilted into entertaining. It makes sense that you are out of the house all day and probably dealing with a frustrating commute, and want to come home to relax. There definitely is an adjustment when moving in with someone. The only thing I could say is try to have a diplomatic discussion about this. I would start by letting her know how it really makes you feel and provide her some reassurance that this can be compromised on and worked out peacefully. 

[Batya33]

I am actually very extroverted and became less into socializing after becoming a mom (perhaps I had an introverted side) but as I read your post -wow - ok so definitely communicate when you are calm but wow I am still surprised she wouldn't know better about advance notice.  I am desperate for space and me time given the pandemic (yes I am teleworking completely now instead of 80%) and I can't imagine having to entertain even though I work at home.

But yes give her a chance to get where you're coming from.  And I think it's fine to ask for advance notice,plus boundaries like how often they can come plus you don't have to be there (when my son was small and I was toddler-fried when my father in law would come over I often would leave the house - my husband would hang with him and our son - and do my own thing for a couple of hours- yes, my own father in law.  They understood.  I hope she does too!!

[smackie9]

 

There will be growing pains/adjustment to any type of living arrangement. So set some boundaries. Compromise and communication. It's just that easy.

[gamon]

Living with someone is a compromise. It's rather surprising that several responders saw his partner inviting a friend over as unreasonable.

Freaking man up and go watch TV or go to bed if her friend being there is so bothersome.

 

 

[DancingFool]

57 minutes ago, gamon said:

Living with someone is a compromise. It's rather surprising that several responders saw his partner inviting a friend over as unreasonable.

Freaking man up and go watch TV or go to bed if her friend being there is so bothersome.

 

 

So how many times does the OP have to point out that if he does that, it upsets her. He's already tried that route without a good result.

So yes, he needs to stop avoiding the conversation that they need to have about boundaries and simple respect toward each other when it comes to having company, when, how often, and how much notice each need for that.

When you are single and living on your own completely, you can do whatever you want. When you live with someone else, basic respect and consideration should be common sense and if it isn't, then they do need to talk and come to some compromise that works for both them.