My wife has/had an emotional affair and she refuses to cut ties to affair partner.

[gamon]

Wow she's a piece of work, putting it all on you, saying she'll hate you if you force her to cut ties with the other guy.

Tell her if she doesn't cut the ties then you'll hate HER.

Honestly there's nothing to save here, since she's really not remorseful at all.

 

[LaHermes]

7 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

I`m still trying to get past the defences, even just to hear truth.

A waste of time, OP.  You won't get the truth.  Take the excellent advice given by 99% of the posters. 

Each day of one's life is very valuable. Don't waste any days OP. 

[mical]

Do you have children or a house together?

If not consider yourself lucky.

She is a woman of low integrity. When things were not going so well she is having inappropriate conversations with someone else and blames you.

 

I agree with above post - life is too valuable and short. Do you really wanna be sleeping with one eye open when you got children and are at work..for the rest of your life?
 

Best revenge is to keep living a great life without that person. If you want to forgive that’s fine, but she has low integrity and this will continue.

 

Another thing is that you’ll have to have healthy boundaries (without being controlling). You can still be calm and respectful and say what your boundaries are and if she wants to keep chatting with this guy.. well you are free to leave.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

I have to unfortunately repeat this a lot on this forum.

Cheaters lie and then they lie some more.  This is who they are.  Your wife is cheating on you and will continue to cheat on you.

She has told you that she will not cut contact with this guy.  Putting the choice back on you is classic cheater as they always blame shift.  "If you MAKE me do this I will hate you"  She should WANT to cut all contact with him to save the marriage.  She has given you two choices:

1. Be a cuckold

or

2. Insist she show you all the private messages, cut all contact with him forever and start marriage counseling which she will refuse so that leaves divorce.

Just because there was no penetration doesn't mean she hasn't cheated. Emotional affairs are worse than purely physical.  She has turned her heart to him, you are now nothing more than security and a pest.

Time to stop making excuses for what she is doing and take a stand.

  Lost

[LaHermes]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Emotional affairs are worse than purely physical.  She has turned her heart to him,

I heartily agree, Lost. Emotional affairs involve an intimacy where the cheater talks about things she should only talk about with her husband.  Where she gives the new found "soulmate" access to her innermost thoughts, desires, and secrets, including all too often information about her husband and his shortcomings.   A sort of "mind meld" develops, a closeness, where you (the spouse) is frozen out..  You can certain they are NOT conversing about the weather or the state of the nation!

 

[Mehrune]

Appreciate all of the replies, thank you. They are a lot more decisive than I have expected - I definitely have some more thinking to do. I don`t know what exactly I will end up doing, not yet. I will revisit the post tomorrow, read through it all again, hell maybe even show it to her and see what she`s going to say about it, I don`t know.  I realize that I`m still young, I`ve got a lot of time left, but quite honestly I have never really, seriously considered that I will be in a situation like that, never considered being with anyone else - never wanted to. For context, we`ve had our 4th wedding anniversary in June, I was 21 and she was 25 when we got married. 
 

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I heartily agree, Lost. Emotional affairs involve an intimacy where the cheater talks about things she should only talk about with her husband.  Where she gives the new found "soulmate" access to her innermost thoughts, desires, and secrets, including all too often information about her husband and his shortcomings.   A sort of "mind meld" develops, a closeness, where you (the spouse) is frozen out..  You can certain they are NOT conversing about the weather or the state of the nation!

 

I do believe and agree with that. And the pain is immense. 

I`ve got a lot of thinking to do. And some decisions to make. Again, thank you all for the time you have invested into helping me. I will try to come back and tell you what happens but depending on the outcome I don`t think I can make it into a promise. 

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. You two are in a monogamous marriage. It was wrong of her to have "sexual conversations" and have plans to meet up and do something physical with this other person. Additionally, lying to cover up the infidelity was was not okay and would shake the trust of any relationship. 

Quote

 I gave her a choice, me or him, after trying multiple different approaches all of which failed.

What were the different approaches? I think an ultimatum was okay here. But she responded to "him or me" with:

Quote

She says she would choose me, but she refuses to cut the ties to him as he`s become her best friend

So there is her choice. "Would" is conditional, and "but" negates it. This means she would choose you if he were not her best friend. He is her best friend. So, she is not choosing you.

If you make an ultimatum like "him or me," you have to be willing to back it up with concrete action. Perhaps it is time for your concrete action. 

___

Last note, when responding to some of the  boundaries you want to set, her logic is flawed.

• She could simply not talk to this person one-on-one. She does not have to discontinue playing games with her other online "friends" if she limits her interactions with him.
• "Hating" you for setting monogamous boundaries in a monogamous marriage is absurd. It would be an arbitrary choice to resent you for not being okay with her spending time with her intended affair partner 1-1.

[boltnrun]

So she demands you allow her to continue her affair or she will "hate" you.

Does that sound like the basis for a solid, loving and secure marriage?

[LaHermes]

13 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

quite honestly I have never really, seriously considered that I will be in a situation like that,

You are not the first, OP, and you won't be the last!  Scores and scores, if not hundreds, of people have come here on finding themselves in the same predicament as you, and they never imagined either that something so painful could happen to THEM.  

 

 

[HappilyMarried1]

2 hours ago, Mehrune said:

We did struggle with communication sometimes, but it`s now a known issue and it`s a work in progress.

Just remember just because you were have issues communicating that did not give her a reason to begin a EA with another man. She should have focused on her marriage and go looking for something from someone else.

[Kwothe28]

I see many problems. One of which is, and I dont think anybody mentioned that, that she is playing video games instead of having a job or at least searching for one. You guys are married, you both should be ready to pull your weight when it comes to that. I dunno, maybe you are rich, but whole that lifestyle you both kinda have isnt very productive for marriage. Second problem is, she is not happy and you dont satisfy her. Its not an excuse, just an explanation why she seeks somebody who she didnt even met live. You are controlling and you probably dont even do stuff with her. When was the last time you took her out for example? Again, not an excuse and part of it was on her because problem no1 but still something to think about. And finally problem no3, cheating. And yes, it is cheating. Where she even refuses to cut contacts and expects you to believe her she wont do it anymore. Part of her friends group? They are all just 0 and 1 on the computer screen and havent even met. I think cutting contact with them all in order to save marriage and spend time with you is OK and that she would be fine. But again that all gets back to problem no1 and that she is immature person without a grip on the real world who plays computer games all day long. Which makes me question why did you marry somebody like that in the first place...

[Mehrune]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I see many problems. One of which is, and I dont think anybody mentioned that, that she is playing video games instead of having a job or at least searching for one. You guys are married, you both should be ready to pull your weight when it comes to that. I dunno, maybe you are rich, but whole that lifestyle you both kinda have isnt very productive for marriage. Second problem is, she is not happy and you dont satisfy her. Its not an excuse, just an explanation why she seeks somebody who she didnt even met live. You are controlling and you probably dont even do stuff with her. When was the last time you took her out for example? Again, not an excuse and part of it was on her because problem no1 but still something to think about. And finally problem no3, cheating. And yes, it is cheating. Where she even refuses to cut contacts and expects you to believe her she wont do it anymore. Part of her friends group? They are all just 0 and 1 on the computer screen and havent even met. I think cutting contact with them all in order to save marriage and spend time with you is OK and that she would be fine. But again that all gets back to problem no1 and that she is immature person without a grip on the real world who plays computer games all day long. Which makes me question why did you marry somebody like that in the first place...

Oh, sorry, might have not been specific enough, although I think I have mentioned it before - we both work, so that`s not it. And as mentioned, whenever I tried initiating any interactions, the attempts were... ignored for so long that I have started doing the same (not a good reaction, but how long can you keep trying). That`s changed now. Going out hasn`t been easy, we`re not exactly rich and with lockdown and travel restrictions, how many times can you go to the same park over and over again?

I believe other issues at this point are secondary to the EA. We`re aware of most of them (would be cocky to say all of them) and we`re trying to work on that. But her insisting on keeping AP as a friend is something I cannot get over.

 

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Mehrune said:

Oh, sorry, might have not been specific enough, although I think I have mentioned it before - we both work, so that`s not it.

Ah, my bad. 

Still dont think its healthy to spend that much free time on the games. Gaming should be a hobby(well, now its a job to some but OK) and should be viewed as such. And as a hobby it shouldnt take prority to marriage and activities in it. Covid or no Covid you should be working on that and its good you do. And yes, obviously her refusing to drop him is a huge issue. That wont be resolved or worked for as it seems. So you have to ask yourself are you fine with that. And whether you should do something about it.

[lostandhurt]

Take your time, there is no rush to decide anything but while you do stop trying so hard.

Stop initiating conversations, stop trying to convince her what she is doing is hurting you and the marriage and stop lying to yourself.  You know given the chance she would have and will still meet this guy and turn the emotional affair into a physical one as well.

  Slow it down, open you eyes wide open and just see who she really is now, not the woman you fell in love with because that woman is long gone.

  It helps to do some math as well.  Start figuring out the financial situation if you were single and on your own.  Knowing that you can handle it money wise is one less thing holding you back.

Most of the time people stay out of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what will become of them.  Divorce is not lethal but it can be freeing.

Lost

[abitbroken]

If she cuts this guy off and let's say she loses these other online friends, its easy to make more friends who are gamers.  its really odd to me that she is so protective of him.

I would stop asking her to choose while tiptoeing around her life a timid mouse.  (i am introverted to and know we live a lot of life in our heads and it could be that you are quiet around the house with her and are following your same routine).  I would start taking an interest in myself. If you have gained the pandemic 15 'bs and wear sweatpants around the house - start walking, start learning to dress so you look nicely pulled together. Volunteer in your area - if you have a profession like IT, you can fix the computer at the local outreach center that lets low income people use the internet for job hunting or for the after school club.  Just something else besides work. Try to also make friends -- there must be a networking group for your profession or ex-pats from your original country that have an online group or something.

She won't know what hit her when you start being less predictable.

and then tell her to choose.  You will not tolerate a marriage where you wife is having an affair. its time to choose whether to cut this guy off. if her friends abandon her, then they were not true friends and stay married  or to leave and go live with her mother. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, the problem is not only regaining trust and getting her to cut this guy off. 

That's only part of the issue. The other, bigger and less easily-solved? She is not that into you anymore. There is no way she'd be looking to cheat on you (which is what she tried when they made plans to meet up, let's be honest) if  her heart and mind were with you the way they need to be in a marriage. 

She's too detached from you and from this marriage for this to work out, in my opinion. Maybe she was not ready to get married when you did. Who knows. The point is that she won't remain faithful to you if she's, A) as selfish as she is, and seeks attention outside the marriage, and B) has lost interest in you. 

You're dealing with both column A and column B here. This specific guy taking a hike is not going to make this all better. 

[gamon]

Showing her this thread will accomplish about the same thing as trying to reason with her.

Nothing

Any productive change has to come from you.

You can't change a person so you need to change the person.

 

[LaHermes]

20 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Most of the time people stay out of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what will become of them

All too often, Lost. All too often. 

[Seraphim]

I agree I wouldn’t give a rat’s behind what she had to say about this thread .  She’s disloyal ,disrespectful ,immoral and there’s nothing left to save. 

[Usa1ah]

Sorry you are going through this. 
 

Some truths. 
 

If her lover is close enough, they have already met up and had sex. Cheaters never tell the truth about what has gone on. Even when confronted with hard evidence of it. 
 

The affair is on going. You have zero proof that it has ended. She refuses to stop talking to her lover and says she will ALWAYS HATE YOU if you make her stop. I know if I did something like this, I would do anything I could to fix it. Your wife is doing anything to fix this. 

[spunkmire]

I think this comes down to the simple fact that you don't trust your wife anymore after this.  You can't have a successful marriage if you don't trust someone because once trust is gone it rarely comes back.  Not only that but it bleeds into other parts of the relationship as well.  If she is hiding this, what else is she hiding kind of stuff.  I get that you are probably in shock that is happened and that your wife could do something like this, but the person she was before the affair is gone now.  I went through something similar and I just kept wanting to go back to the way we were before the affair, but it just never happened.  I think that's where you are now.  If it goes anything like my experience did over time it will be come more and more obvious that things will never go back to the way they were.  The fact is she lost your trust and has no interest in earning it back.  If I were you I would start the divorce process because IMO it's only a matter of time before she does. 

[spunkmire]

sorry double post

[SooSad33]

Did she actually say to let her continue this or she would hate you?  Whoaa 😮 .

K, that'd do it for me!

She has shown you lack of respect there.

Does any of this make YOU feel okay?  Her actions and behaviour?  I doubt it....

She'd rather continue on with some guy ( who she has apparently never met?) AND is being like this with you.

No, you do not deserve this kind of treatment.

As mentioned.. maybe she ( you two) should not have gotten married yet.  I don't think she's really that into it anymore 😕 .

 

[Mehrune]

Still not quite sure how it`s all going to end up, but I`m making sure I`ll be ok financially on my own if the worst was to happen - and I should manage. A big, final conversation is coming up and I think I`m getting to a point where I might actually be able to follow through with what I, or shall I say "we", need to try and carry on being together. She is showing remorse, is affectionate and is adjusting her behaviour (which are some of the last things that make me consider this salvageable). She`s considering giving me access to her private messages, luckily with the software she`s used you can see any edits/deleted messages so it gives me some hope. I`m still willing to forgive if we can resolve it soon, but the time is running out for me and I`ve made her aware of that. Her attitude has changed slightly - from saying she`d hate me, she went to apologizing, understanding and remorseful (and seems honest and emotional, I don`t think she could pull of acting it). I`d know if she did meet him, as we`ve only got a joint account - I`d see either an unusual cash withdrawal (we don`t really use cash, it would be easy to see) or a train-station/train ticket App (we don`t have a car). I`m still doubtful on how to approach it the best possible way - I need and want to try saving it before giving up completely. Some of you are right, I`m young, I could start again with someone else, but I`m not at this point yet. I keep revisiting the post and reading new replies, I need to say this again - thank you, to everyone that went through my long and messy description of my problem and is trying to give me advice. I really do appreciate it. And again, I`m not quite sure how it`s all going to end up. I will try to come back here and say what happens, but it`s not a promise.

[MissCanuck]

If you decide to stay, OP, you two still have a big problem that is not specifically related to this man:

There is a huge disconnect in your marriage here. That isn't going to be corrected just by making sure this man is gone. You two have much bigger problems to address, problems that speak to her overall lack of commitment and interest in you. Somewhere along the way, she started detaching from and drifting away from the marriage. 

I do hope you don't try to rugsweep that, and assume that this will be resolved if she decides to cut him off. If you do, this will almost surely happen again, with some other man.