My wife has/had an emotional affair and she refuses to cut ties to affair partner.

[boltnrun]

What I told my husband (although ours wasn't an affair):

"I don't like the way things have been between us lately.  This isn't how I want our marriage to be. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, but it won't work unless you're also willing to. I want to tell you what I think needs fixing and what I'm planning to do to make things better. Do you also want to try? And if you do, what are you willing to do?"

[smackie9]

I play a huge Multiplayer game too. My friend compared it to crack. Your wife's situation is on the realm of addiction induced by boredom. As soon as you try to take that away, they cheat, deny and lie to keep it. She has a problem.

I strongly recommend the both of you to stop playing and spend real time  to do real things together. That's the only way to get the emotional connection back. Also it takes two to repair a relationship. If she isn't willing, you have nothing to work with.

 

[Mehrune]

I (We) realize there is a lot more to that than just the EA. And that it`s going to take a lot of work to improve the situation, from both of us, if we`re both really willing to commit to it. What happened (if we can resolve this at all) has made us aware that there are some other issues that need immediate attention. I know I`m willing to spend my time and energy working towards it, she says it as well, and (maybe just because I want it to be true, maybe for real) she seems genuine. I am aware that this whole situation must be taking its toll on her as well - not a justification, not saying that she`s not responsible, just recognizing that I`m not the only one hurt here. 

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What I told my husband (although ours wasn't an affair):

"I don't like the way things have been between us lately.  This isn't how I want our marriage to be. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, but it won't work unless you're also willing to. I want to tell you what I think needs fixing and what I'm planning to do to make things better. Do you also want to try? And if you do, what are you willing to do?"

Some of it has already been said, some from me, some from her. But I think I (or We) have missed a crucial part - the last question. It makes me reconsider my approach slightly. If it`s going to work, I need to see that she`s willing to engage, participate and commit to it as well as me. I need to see action from her, not just reaction to what I do or say. Like I`ve mentioned, there has been a slight improvement but it is definitely not resolved yet. If there is not going to be any initiative from her, that in my mind would mean she really is not interested. I guess I`ll need to see.

[Mehrune]

25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I play a huge Multiplayer game too. My friend compared it to crack. Your wife's situation is on the realm of addiction induced by boredom. As soon as you try to take that away, they cheat, deny and lie to keep it. She has a problem.

I strongly recommend the both of you to stop playing and spend real time  to do real things together. That's the only way to get the emotional connection back. Also it takes two to repair a relationship. If she isn't willing, you have nothing to work with.

 

We have made steps towards it. Funny thing is, she was always the one that needed and wanted to do other things more, now the roles have reversed. We did manage to spend some time not in front of our computers, she`s also slowly letting me into her space, even for a little bit of playing together I see it as a good sign. It`s not a rapid progress, but progress nonetheless. I guess I`ll have to see where it takes us.

[Mehrune]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

If you decide to stay, OP, you two still have a big problem that is not specifically related to this man:

There is a huge disconnect in your marriage here. That isn't going to be corrected just by making sure this man is gone. You two have much bigger problems to address, problems that speak to her overall lack of commitment and interest in you. Somewhere along the way, she started detaching from and drifting away from the marriage. 

I do hope you don't try to rugsweep that, and assume that this will be resolved if she decides to cut him off. If you do, this will almost surely happen again, with some other man. 

I realize there is more issues, I do. I`m also not blaming them all on her - not justifying the EA, taking away the responsibility for it either - but for other issues we`re both responsible, and we do know that. The "roadblock" now is, that we treat the issues differently - I see the EA as the major problem, and all others not really as minor problems, but something that will need time to work on as opposed to the affair that needs to be sorted out ASAP. She on the other hand puts all of the problems together. I`m not even sure what I`m trying to say here anymore - all in all, no sweeping anything under a rug. We`ll either try to work on it (assuming we can sort out the EA) on our own with help from books/internet or maybe go to a couples therapy, although the second one would be quite expensive for us - not that it`s not worth it. 

[Pleasedonot5]

Quote

...It makes me reconsider my approach slightly. If it`s going to work, I need to see that she`s willing to engage, participate and commit to it as well as me. I need to see action from her, not just reaction to what I do or say. Like I`ve mentioned, there has been a slight improvement but it is definitely not resolved yet. If there is not going to be any initiative from her, that in my mind would mean she really is not interested. I guess I`ll need to see.

OP, candidly speaking, your passive approach did not work before. Remember how you distanced yourself when you were hurt and then you waited to see how she would act? Yeah. To be clear, her infidelity was not your fault. But, as a practical matter, your distancing and passive approach did not help fix any problems in the marriage prior to the emotional affair. That in mind, what makes you think waiting for her to take action again this time -- instead of directing the process -- will help?  

Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant by what I quoted above. If so, my apologies. 

[Mehrune]

7 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP, candidly speaking, your passive approach did not work before. Remember how you distanced yourself when you were hurt and then you waited to see how she would act? Yeah. To be clear, her infidelity was not your fault. But, as a practical matter, your distancing and passive approach did not help fix any problems in the marriage prior to the emotional affair. That in mind, what makes you think waiting for her to take action again this time -- instead of directing the process -- will help?  

Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant by what I quoted above. If so, my apologies. 

Oh, yes, what I meant is not just wait, but look for signs of initiative from her side while going through everything else, try to observe her behaviour and see if I can see anything that will make me believe that she does really mean all the words she`s saying - because right know I am not sure, seems honest but it`s not easy for me to trust her now (which I suppose is better than knowing that she doesn`t mean any of that). It`s difficult to explain exactly what I mean, but what I don`t mean is that I would just wait to see what she does - like you`ve said, it didn`t help me in the past, it`s not going to help me now. And I am fully aware that the infidelity is not my fault, but if I realized what the problems were before it was too late, maybe this post wouldn`t exist. We`ve found some of the underlying problems, we`ve agreed to work on them while we`re trying to come to an agreement on what to do about the infidelity. 

[Usa1ah]

There is no saving the marriage/relationship as long as she is still talking/cheating with the POSOM. If she isn’t willing to cut contact with him for you, your relationship is over because she has chosen her lover. 

[Tinydance]

Look, I understand that you want to forgive her. She's your actual wife of many years  not just some Tinder hookup. Of course you want to make it work. The problem is that the ball is actually in your wife's court to put the effort in to make it work, and she's not doing that. To be honest, her behaviour (at least previously) is that of someone who has one foot out the door in the marriage. You're her HUSBAND and you said "me or him", but she still keeps talking to that guy every day. Why would she choose a random guy online she'd never even met over you? Do you see what I'm getting at here? That guy shouldn't actually matter to her at all if she truly loves YOU and wants to make your marriage work.

Also people usually start affairs when they're not happy in their relationship or marriage. I think she felt something was missing with you and that's why she turned to all these online people and began to ignore you. It's OK to have friends but you say she literally spent all her time with them and acted like you don't even exist. When you're married, your spouse should actually be the number one person in your life. I understand she enjoys gaming but she's made that and this guy online more important than you and your marriage.

Absolutely you should NOT put up with her talking to this guy. He's not her best friend. She's never even met him. She's just bored and not happy in your marriage and she wanted attention from someone else. I think the only way to fix your relationship is for her to firstly cut that guy off. If she won't cut him off  that's telling you that she doesn't really care about you or your marriage. It should be easy for her to cut him off if she was really devoted to you. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

 she is still talking/cheating with the POSOM. 

What is POSOM?

[abitbroken]

I would not start monitoring her messages because it just leads to resentment.  Because she is the one who offered, she will just create a secret account of something - email, some sort of chat or messaging to talk to this guy or even give him the info to contact her at work, so she can make a bigger fool of you. 

I would do what i said before and get some of your own friends and interests or at least interests.  If you do something different and experience some growth, that is what is going to freak her out the most.

She is going to move beyond the point of groveling again once she is confident that you won't leave. So there has to be a different solution than monitoring her messages.

[Tinydance]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is POSOM?

Possums? Lol

[boltnrun]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is POSOM?

I'm going to guess...Piece of Sh*t Other Man?

Can someone confirm?

[Mehrune]

So there has been a development of sorts. SHE said that she wants us to go to a couples therapy. That proposition has been her own, I have not offered it yet myself nor had I made any remarks regarding it yet. Having in mind everything I have read, including replies to this thread, that seems to be a good sign. An initiative from her side to really work on us and find out how to resolve our problems. Her reaching out, trying to get help and do it together. She did say she`d like to go to a therapy alone a few times, and than start going together or have me join hers. (I know that she`s really struggling right now, there seems to have been some emotional baggage from before we even met that surfaced now, and she doesn`t know how to deal with it). Of course I said yes to therapy, and I don`t mind her starting first and me joining in or starting a separate couples therapy as soon as she`s ready. I don`t want to be naive, but I do believe that this shows that she might actually want us to stay together and is willing to do something towards it. Most of the time I`ve read that cheaters don`t tend to propose this sort of a solution, and they tend to refuse a proposition like that. But still, I don`t know, it was only a proposition now.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

SHE said that she wants us to go to a couples therapy.

This is a start, yes. 

But the most important question: Is she going to cut this other guy off?

Because if not, don't waste your time with couples therapy. It won't work. 

[Mehrune]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is a start, yes. 

But the most important question: Is she going to cut this other guy off?

Because if not, don't waste your time with couples therapy. It won't work. 

Well, I hope to know that soon. 

[boltnrun]

A lot of times cheaters will suggest therapy because they expect the therapist to "side" with them.  They expect the therapist to say, yes, you were right to go outside of the marriage because your needs weren't being met!  Cheated On Spouse, this happened because of YOU!  And when that doesn't happen, the cheating spouse stops couples therapy because they "don't like" the therapist or they think the therapist is "siding with" you, or they say the therapist is "unprofessional".  OR, they are dishonest or withhold information to make themselves look better.

So yes, therapy is good.  But she has to be 100% honest with the therapist AND with you or the therapy won't do any good.  And so do you.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Mehrune said:

Well, I hope to know that soon. 

You don't already know?

It's a very simple question with a very simple response, OP. There is no reason to "hope" to know that "soon."

Ask her now: Are you going to cut off this man?

If she puts up a fight about it, then you know her suggesiton of couples therapy was merely to distract you enough so she can continue her emotional affair with him. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mehrune said:

She did say she`d like to go to a therapy alone a few times, and than start going together or have me join hers.. I do believe that this shows that she might actually want us to stay together and is willing to do something towards it. 

Excellent. Let her go to individual therapy. She's obviously lonely and unhappy and this online "friend" is symptomatic of that and issues with your marriage in general.

She clearly took a very unhealthy detour into this cyber fantasy and "friend'. She needs to address by herself.

You're currently in a power struggle and stand off. This why the more you police her and "demand" proof the more she'll dig her heels in.

Actually you'll never have "proof" of anything. If she continues with this nonsense she'll just hide it better, so "demand" and "proof" are myths.

You need to reflect on the overall poor quality of the marriage, better communication, more trust, better intimacy and a much better connection to each other.

If she continues to be secretive, acts withdrawn and distracted you can decide what to do. The crash and burn 'lets get divorced!" because she has a cyber affair is not your only option contrary to  the typical scorched earth approach to  infidelity.

 

 

[Tinydance]

Number one is SHE has to get rid of that other guy. If she doesn't then what can you work on in therapy really? As long as she keeps talking to that gut, she's NOT actually working on your marriage and the counselling would be just for show.

[Usa1ah]

On 8/20/2021 at 1:53 AM, Wiseman2 said:

What is POSOM?

Piece of ——- other man. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Usa1ah said:

Piece of ——- other man. 

I was right!

[Usa1ah]

On 8/21/2021 at 9:56 AM, Mehrune said:

Well, I hope to know that soon. 

Just like so many in your position. Hope and denial is strong in you. 

[Usa1ah]

On 8/21/2021 at 11:53 AM, boltnrun said:

A lot of times cheaters will suggest therapy because they expect the therapist to "side" with them.  They expect the therapist to say, yes, you were right to go outside of the marriage because your needs weren't being met!  Cheated On Spouse, this happened because of YOU!  And when that doesn't happen, the cheating spouse stops couples therapy because they "don't like" the therapist or they think the therapist is "siding with" you, or they say the therapist is "unprofessional".  OR, they are dishonest or withhold information to make themselves look better.

So yes, therapy is good.  But she has to be 100% honest with the therapist AND with you or the therapy won't do any good.  And so do you.

Or the cheater will say the therapist and BS were ganging up on them. 
 

Anything to show counseling was a hostile situation. 

[Usa1ah]

On 8/21/2021 at 8:26 AM, Mehrune said:

So there has been a development of sorts. SHE said that she wants us to go to a couples therapy. That proposition has been her own, I have not offered it yet myself nor had I made any remarks regarding it yet. Having in mind everything I have read, including replies to this thread, that seems to be a good sign. An initiative from her side to really work on us and find out how to resolve our problems. Her reaching out, trying to get help and do it together. She did say she`d like to go to a therapy alone a few times, and than start going together or have me join hers. (I know that she`s really struggling right now, there seems to have been some emotional baggage from before we even met that surfaced now, and she doesn`t know how to deal with it). Of course I said yes to therapy, and I don`t mind her starting first and me joining in or starting a separate couples therapy as soon as she`s ready. I don`t want to be naive, but I do believe that this shows that she might actually want us to stay together and is willing to do something towards it. Most of the time I`ve read that cheaters don`t tend to propose this sort of a solution, and they tend to refuse a proposition like that. But still, I don`t know, it was only a proposition now.

Tell her that you will go with her if and when she ends her affair. That means no more contact with her affair partner.