Love Interest Now Single (I think)

[Pleasedonot5]

23 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Ok, speaking for myself only, if any guy called me and told me he "broke up today and is now single", I'd probably wait a while.  Yeah, I think rebounding and monkey branching is not a good recipe for a successful relationship, but that's just me, lol.

Oh, and if I "miss the boat" and they move on to another in the meantime, then tough luck on me. 

I have received conflicting advice on whether one should be wary of becoming a rebound - or if the concept of "rebounds" is just over-hyped.

I think your point of view has merit and I respect it. Specifically, one should be wary of falling for someone who is drowning and just reaching for somebody - anybody - to keep them afloat for the time being. The person may just be desperate to fill the void left by their last relationship - and clouded by their desire to fulfil the need they enter into a new relationship - regardless of compatibilities, actual chemistry, etc. Then, of course, down the line the lack of compatibilities, chemistries, etc. shows and the relationship fails.

In defense of the other point of view: a few years ago, a person, A, and I explored the beginnings of a relationship after she had just left a prior relationship. She was sad. That said, within weeks, we were following the natural flow of things - going on dates - and I had no doubt in my mind that she had even more romantic interest in me than in the previous guy. Since we were a stronger match - even if she were drowning and reaching out for anybody - in reaching she may have found the right person extending his arm. I think these situations can happen.

---

So, I will not let the fear of being a rebound paralyze me indefinitely. That said, I think you are right that it is worth giving a little time/space before pursuing someone romantically, even if I have seen a likely rebound work before. There is no need to encroach on K's space right away, and the risk is probably higher in the mere days and weeks following a break-up.

[Pleasedonot5]

20 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, she sounds rather upset about all that. So, do not approach her with any expectations.

Be there as a friend.. no more.  Like you have been.

If some guy I was into led me on.. to nothing- That is playing with someone's feelings!  Pathetic, selfish behaviour 😕 .

Then. yes, she is hurting.  She needs her time now to work thru all of this.

Give her a while.. and don't 'give in' in any way.

I say at least 3+ months.... who knows.

Yes, I think she is upset at the moment. She puts on a strong front but that is just who she is. The way she is acting I know there is some pain there - of course, that is natural for the end of a relationship. One of my concerns is that I do not want to be opportunistic - or impair her ability to move on from the last guy. That would feel wrong. Sometimes a romantic distraction hurts rather than helps the healing process. I have seen it work the opposite way - but those situations seem like the exception rather than the rule. 

If she needs/wants support, I will be supportive. After it feels right, which involves her being ok, I may ask her to go a social dancing event with me - or some other activity. I could probably gauge the interest level then.

[Pleasedonot5]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you have to do is decide if she's on the rebound looking for easy company to fill a void and if you can deal with that if things don't pan out.

Thank you for your reply. That is essentially true.

As for the first point, I would have to feel out the situation. That would probably require us interacting in person. 

In regard to the second point, I am sure I would be fine in a situation where the interest was not reciprocated. I would be let down, but I would recover. A great match would - I would hope - be interested in me too, lol. So, stated simply, if it turns out she is not interested, then she is not a great match. (That is, unless I did something rude, disrespectful, etc. which causes the interest to be lost - which would be my losing a great match.)

[Pleasedonot5]

8 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I understand your concern with her 

1) Not being as interested as you hoped

2) Being at risk for a rebound

3) Being at risk to see someone else and be pursued by them and get into a relationship that last with them

All of those are valid in my opinion, based on what you stated.

I'll outline the reasons I think they're valid and appropriate in retrospective order for you (LOL this is so much fun for my OCD brain!):

1) Because like you said, she did not put effort into looking good when you met with her last. That isn't a good sign, as others have pointed out.  It really does mean she wasn't interested enough to put effort to look attractive, which is odd for women personally speaking.  Although it could be she's depressed being in a relationship like that, and now if you see her put more effort into her appearance, she's probably feeling more like herself and happier without this guy.

2) I think she could be at risk for rebounding, but I also believe rebounding is very overestimated.  I've personally experienced having two men very interested in me, to the point of taking me out on dates but outright telling me they didn't' want to be my, "rebound."  They wanted very much for it to workout, were marriage-minded etc, but both were too worried about me, "rebounding," so they pursued me, but were trying to go so slow that it was a turn off.  I mean from the woman's perspective, that's like a rejection.  "I want you later, but right now, I'm too afraid you'll leave me."  They both ended up missing out, because the next person I dated was my husband (who didn't care if he was a rebound ❤️ , still took it slow but allowed it to develop naturally), and one of those men was immature enough to let me know he was upset.  You sound like you're much more mature and would be able to handle that disappointment.  The second man that was interested handled it in a more mature way, moved on after awhile, and married someone else.

3) I think the solution for this in-between scenario you're in is probably a time limit of 2-8 weeks.  I know that's exact, but anything before 2 weeks is too fast, and in my opinion, if you DO wait longer than 8 weeks, she'll be at a very high risk of getting with another man who notices her.  2 weeks is early and seems fast, I know, but you could go for in between 3-4 weeks 🤷‍♀️.  And all of that is to say, #1's concerns may mean she just isn't that interested.

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful response! I love the organized lists too, haha.

I think this gets to the core of the question. 

(1) Yes, she did not put a lot of effort into seeing me that last time. That surprised me because - even if I was not interested in someone - I would probably put in effort to look good. She mentioned her car was at the mechanic - she was dropped off by a family member with whom she lives - so I ended up driving her back. She could have not been having a good day. Plus, some people are not morning people. This is one of those days that really puzzles me, haha. Unfortunately, there is support for many different conclusions, including the three I mentioned. It did not feel fully "friendly" but it did not feel fully "I am interested in you" either. Low-interest may be the way to put it. But given the context, a low-interest brunch does not mean someone will be out of reach forever. I.e., she was in a relationship at the time! 

(2) Thank you for sharing those experiences. As I mentioned in my response to our beloved moderator overlord 🙂 (Capricorn3), I think there is merit to both sides of this. Of course, one should be wary of people who are just reaching for somebody - anybody - to satiate their now not-met needs of being with someone. That said, if it feels right, it feels right. I explained that I had a situation with someone where I was in prime rebound territory, yet I had no doubt in my mind that she was actually romantically interested in me. And, your experiences show that, too. I think your experiences here have really helped me, actually. In the scenario where something does happen - say, driven by her (it could happen, she has not been unforthcoming in the past to say the least lol) - I would not want to reject her. I think how I would respond is very context-specific (so if it's clear I'm being used for example my response would be different). But - good to know!

(3) I think that is a great timeline/answer. And hey - if she's not interested, then she's not interested.  

8 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Kudos to you, though!  You sound so in-tune with the way women think, and have already basically figured all of this out on your own!  Mostly I just wanted to valid what you were already thinking, and add in that strange phenomenon of the timeframe you were requesting (probably 2-8 weeks).

Very kind of you, thank you. 🙂 

[Pleasedonot5]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Agree. 

Announcing a breakup with exclamation and asking this person for relationship advice, it just feels like a friendship to me.

I would still be guarded and be a friend and ask her if she wants to get coffee and vent. That will help you get more of an idea if you're still friend zoned.

Thank you for your response.

I actually think that "I am single!" message is typical in the way she acts and with regard to our dynamic, lol. Yes, it is a bit eccentric, but I was actually quick (within days/weeks) to signal to her that I was available when my last relationship ended just over three months ago. And I was interested when I did that. Also, she only asked for relationship advice once: we have never really talked about her relationships except for the instance mentioned - and that was in the context of whether she should break up with him.

I do not like the whole idea of the "friendzone" but that may just be a me thing. A potential match is either romantically interested in me or they are not. If they are not, then at least I know and I will move on. I mean, I do not usually end up in those "hanging on as a friend" situations because I am turned off if there is no (potential for) reciprocated attraction. I mean, why would I want to be with someone who does not like me? 

I would not be surprised for the reasons you mentioned if it ends up being that there is no or low interest. But I do not think it is the only possibility. With her having just been in a relationship, which she ended just yesterday, I think there is room for mutual interest to resurface. We will have to see. 

I will take your advice though. I will be cautious. Just cautiously optimistic. 🙂  And I think I'll ask her social dancing after a little bit of time and see how it goes from there.  

I will keep an eye out for other potential matches in the time-being - or just continue working on myself and finishing law school. There are lots of things to do to keep myself busy and productive - so I do not have to focus on this one moment / friend / potential date. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

If she needs/wants support, I will be supportive. After it feels right, which involves her being ok, I may ask her to go a social dancing event with me - or some other activity. I could probably gauge the interest level then.

Gauge the interest level?  How do you mean?

For her to 'be interested.. in you'?  That is not how things should be here , if this is how you're looking at it.

She needs serious down time to work on herself... IMO, she has no ability to move on to anyone at this time.

So, out of respect, you should leave her to do so.

No rush.. no expectations.  Just some 'friendly support'.

Just because she is now 'single', doesn't mean jump at the chance.  

 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

23 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Gauge the interest level?  How do you mean?

For her to 'be interested.. in you'?  That is not how things should be here , if this is how you're looking at it.

She needs serious down time to work on herself... IMO, she has no ability to move on to anyone at this time.

So, out of respect, you should leave her to do so.

No rush.. no expectations.  Just some 'friendly support'.

Just because she is now 'single', doesn't mean jump at the chance.  

 

 

Oh, no no - I agree with you. I said here that one of my primary concerns is that I do not want to be opportunistic or take advantage. I care about her as a person and that would feel wrong. I will be there if she needs or wants support - but I will not push it if she does not need/want it. I will not go after her unless she is doing better. I see what you are saying about the many months it may take - but some people take longer than others depending on the relationship. For instance, I feel ok now after my most recent breakup (3.5 months ago) where the history spanned a few years, but a previous relationship which lasted under a year took me years to recover from. So in regard to the length of time required - I think it may depend on the person and the circumstances. 

[Rose Mosse]

12 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Thank you for your reply, Rose. I think this is a solid approach. I especially like the boldfaced part: if someone is talking about their ex all the time or posting sad or snippy end-of-relationship quotes, they are probably still making sense of the situation. I think I'll have a good idea when she seems ready - in general - to start looking. It may not take long at all for the reasons you mentioned. 

You're both friends first and foremost so you have that to both of your advantages should you pursue romance together. From what you've written I don't imagine you doing anything insincere or offensive, honestly. Life is short. 

[maritalbliss86]

11 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

She needs serious down time to work on herself... IMO, she has no ability to move on to anyone at this time.

So, out of respect, you should leave her to do so.

No rush.. no expectations.  Just some 'friendly support'.

Just because she is now 'single', doesn't mean jump at the chance.

See there are so many nuances that get lost in translation when conversing online....  For my experience, just because my husband made it clear he was attracted to me and interested, didn't mean I just jumped into a relationship super quickly.  He respected I needed time, but never went away or became distant, or flat out told me he didn't want to be a rebound (that is a rejection message).  I broke up in March and he started pursuing me around week 3-4 and we ended up spending lots of time together and officially started, "dating," (even though we were dating before that just on a low-key level) July 4th.  So relationship ended in March... became official in July!  It was a lot of time to think, etc.  the best thing was that it showed me how UNlike my ex he was, who had lied and emotionally cheated etc.

So he can do both is what I'm saying.  She can have that necessary time, yet also see him around enough, have enough good, positive experiences to be able to trust him, etc.  before eventually deciding, "Yes.  This is what I want."

Edited to add: Broke up March; He clearly stated his intentions/attraction to me sometime in April; we drew it out with "dates," that we told ourselves weren't actually dates 🤦‍♀️; became official 4th of July 🎆.

[Batya33]

4 to 6 months with past history I’d wait a few weeks give or take. IMHO. 

[maritalbliss86]

Just thinking more....

Something about a man being confident and having that quiet assurance of who he is, of being there yet not pressuring, was so attractive.  It made the other men who were so worried about my rebounding and them missing out seem insecure compared with his confident, self-assured and calm, secure attitude.  He was like a rock for me who was always there... hopefully she feels that for you ❤️ .

Women are drawn to strong men... and strong men may feel those worries, but they have the confidence of their convictions to help them navigate and be her rock.

[catfeeder]

On 7/12/2021 at 6:19 PM, Pleasedonot5 said:

But, if she needs a person to talk to about the break-up, I will not be cruelly distant.

Oh, this is exactly where you do NOT want to position yourself.

If she needs to talk about the breakup, she's not over him, so she's not ready.

The fact that they've broken up and got back together is a caution. That can happen again, and you don't want to position yourself as a casualty.

I'd stay in touch, but I would not jump on the dating wagon until you've established how far in the rearview mirror this breakup actually is. If it's a mirror she's still checking, skip her until she's free and clear to focus on seeing you for the RIGHT reasons.

BandAids get discarded after wounds heal. Don't be one of those.

[Andrina]

You asked her out and she said no because she had a boyfriend. She clearly knows you're interested. But then she thinks it's okay to meet you, someone who has a crush on her, for lunch and then a walk? First she set a boundary, and then she crossed a boundary. I know you two have been friends through your hobby, but things sometimes have to change when one has a partner. A friend who has a crush needs to be pushed to the back burner, seeing each other with the hobby, but not for outings and regular communication outside of the hobby, etc. 

I know that the only time I've acted the way she has was when I was an immature 18 year old. I was crazy about my bf but after he love bombed me, he started regressing and I asked another guy I had had a minor crush on, but thought he was too old for me, to hang out. In a way, I wanted my bf to know and be jealous and change for the better, which of course didn't happen. And all I did with the minor crush is whine about the bf, with the minor crush saying he wanted our next hang out to be a date. That never happened either because when I really thought about, I didn't want to date him. I guess I wanted an ego boost and the other thing about jealousy I mentioned.

Going into adulthood, I never acted like that again. To me, it's very telling about her behavior, and you can also expect the same if you're her bf. She might repeat a pattern of speaking to another crush if you two are bickering, and crying on his shoulder about you.

If you want to take a chance, however, I don't know what all this ***footing around is. You say you both have expressed interest in the past. I'd plainly say, "Well, we've asked each other out before. We're finally both single, so if you're still interested, give me a shout when you know you're ready."

[Wiseman2]

On 7/14/2021 at 12:05 AM, Pleasedonot5 said:

 I feel ok now after my most recent breakup 3.5 months ago

Don't worry about "taking advantage". She's on the rebound, but so are you.

Enjoy each other's company and hobbiy but turning this into a romance will jeopardize your social relationship as well as the friendship.

Keep in mind announcing she's single doesn't mean anything. It's something she would tell girlfriends.

You need friends right now and that's what she is. Keep it that way.

[greendots]

On 7/13/2021 at 10:25 PM, Pleasedonot5 said:

"I am single!"

How did she say this to you? There's a difference between saying that and adding a cheeky wink after that sentence or saying that and going into a lengthy rant about why. Or saying that simply because you asked her.

Ultimately, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." My recommendation, put yourself out there and ask her out for coffee. Make her laugh, have a great time. (Obviously if she's crying her eyes out about this break up that's another story.)

Honestly, the worst thing you could do is wait... because you might be waiting forever. There's never going to be the right time or the perfect time.

Plus, coffee is just that, coffee. See how it goes. Then, you take it from there. 🙂

 

Just to add, I'd follow catfeeder's advice. You want to be seen as 'dateable', not a therapist who listens to her break-up woes.

[Pleasedonot5]

So, a bit of an update. 

K asked me if I would join her for dinner and dancing - this was around a week and a half ago. I posted about it here.

Anyway, I concluded there was interest but it was not at its peak. 

--

Fast forward. K asked me directly over text (and I love that she is this bold/direct/forthcoming): "Do you want to go on a date?" I said yes, I would like that. She said she would like that too. Since the date idea was in the air I offered to have her over and cook a meal for us - then we could watch a movie or a comedy show. (Normally, I would not have a first clear date at my place, but we have known one another for a long time as friends. Also, some of the things we did before - brunch and dinner - were like dates anyway. So, this seemed appropriate). She agreed and then we planned the day. 

I spent today running chores and cleaning the apartment to make a good impression. She came about 15 minutes early, and I hadn't finished the dinner yet, so we talked. She looked good. We flirted a bit - though I was a little nervous at first (I don't normally get nervous but I guess K has that effect on me). We had deep conversation. Then, as the dinner was winding down, the conversation became somewhat sexual. She implied that she was dtf, or would be soon - and if I was lucky it was possible she would stay over  Great, haha - not sure I am that eager for that on this date, but the comment was hot - a little quick but we've had some sort of connection for a while so I mean, I'm not going to take offense. I just went along with it, said something flirty back. 

As we put on a show on Netflix, cuddled a bit, and some of the conversation remained sexual. Like, what are you into type of thing. We have talked in brief strokes about this before as flirty friends, but this was a little more in detail. It is hard to explain this conversation on ENA, but I guess you all will have to trust me that at this point the conversation seemed appropriate imo given the dynamic between us. I was happy she was showing interest. Then, as we were teasing one another, she kissed me so that I would tell her what she wanted to hear. That sort of thing. Again, difficult to set the stage for you all lol. 

Well, the kissing was nice. We kissed again sometime after. We both seemed really into it. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Additionally, at another point in the night, she said she was interested in me. 

Anyway, things got a little weird when I went to hold her hand with interlocked fingers. We were already cuddling, had kissed - she had implied dtf - so this didn't seem weird. Well anyway, she jokingly said that was too much. I said really? She said something like yeah, that is too intimate. I said ok, probably said a joke, but then we kept watching the show. 

I sensed her close off. Like, crossed arms, not really cuddling, looking straight ahead. I asked if all was ok. She said yes. At another point I said I hope things are not weird, we were having fun. We talked about it a little, like what's up with the hand-holding thing if we were kissing and you were probably good with more. She said she did not know, but yes, sex did not seem to bother her as much. I said ok, but I typically want an emotional connection with someone first, (through figuring each other out, getting closer, showing affection) and then after I am down for sex. So she said we will do that [build emotional connection] first in other ways then. 

Since we both had a little wine (and she had implied a willingness to stay over earlier), and the night was getting late, I said she was welcome to stay over. She said she was not going to. I said ok, then a few minutes later we kissed again, (her initiating), and she cuddled a little more. At one point (I might be getting this out of order, I asked if she would be down this Friday (regular social dance event) for another date of dinner and dancing (as she asked me to about a week and a half ago). She said she would be going to the group dinner. (That can be code for disinterest).

A little while after, I said let's call it a night. She agreed. I walked her to her car. She said something like "yeah, I am not sure when I will be free for another date, I am busy this week." Figuring that this was code for disinterest, I said "okay, that is fine. Well, you let me know if you are free. I would be open to another date." She then said, "well yeah, I would hope so!!" (Which is so confusing. I was anticipating that maybe she was just looking for a hookup or she was conflicted (maybe my interest level is higher than hers and it showed) - disappointing but that seemed like the bitter reality). 

I hugged her goodbye, kissed her head and said drive safe. She texted me as I wrote the last paragraph here that she is home safe. 

Anyway, I felt very down walking away from her. There was a knot in my stomach: something is not right. The night was going really well, until it was not all of the sudden. 

[Pleasedonot5]

On 7/15/2021 at 6:43 PM, greendots said:

How did she say this to you? There's a difference between saying that and adding a cheeky wink after that sentence or saying that and going into a lengthy rant about why. Or saying that simply because you asked her.

Thank you. Sorry I did not respond to this question. 

It was said as is: "I am single!" via text message, without prompting. Though, I would venture to say that this part is now moot: there is better information from our recent get-together and tonight's date.

[Rose Mosse]

I would interpret this as her still recovering from her break up. Appearing distant or closed off after handholding might have reminded her of another time. She didn't expect it, I'd suspect, and it took her by surprise also leading to the rest of the evening being slightly awkward and confusing. 

My view is that she is still quite heartbroken although she may be valiantly trying to move on and do her best not to let it show. 

I think she needs a friend(platonic friend) much more than she needs a partner at this time. 

The forward "dtf" comments or flirting are premature and awkward because she's rusty. She's moving at a pace that's too unnatural for a romance to develop naturally so it comes off as being purely sexual or physical. Her suggestion to possibly sleep over was a bad idea. That should have been shut down or declined, imo, even if she was toying with you or it was in jest. It's too early. It's offputting for anyone who's interested in dating to get to know someone genuinely with long term in mind. Give her some space and leave this alone for awhile. I wouldn't remain at her beck and call either for dates. Open up your options dating others or limit your time with her if you feel it's not reciprocated.

[Pleasedonot5]

28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would interpret this as her still recovering from her break up. Appearing distant or closed off after handholding might have reminded her of another time. She didn't expect it, I'd suspect, and it took her by surprise also leading to the rest of the evening being slightly awkward and confusing. 

My view is that she is still quite heartbroken although she may be valiantly trying to move on and do her best not to let it show. 

I think she needs a friend(platonic friend) much more than she needs a partner at this time. 

The forward "dtf" comments or flirting are premature and awkward because she's rusty. She's moving at a pace that's too unnatural for a romance to develop naturally so it comes off as being purely sexual or physical. The idea of her sleeping over was a bad idea. That should have been shut down or declined, imo. It's too early. It's offputting for anyone who's interested in dating to get to know someone genuinely with long term in mind. Give her some space and leave this alone for awhile. I wouldn't remain at her beck and call either for dates. Open up your options dating others or limit your time with her if you feel it's not reciprocated.

Thanks, Rose. She did not talk about the ex today.- but, that interpretation would make a lot of sense, though, actually.

I only offered because I did not want her driving if she was tipsy, and because she had earlier suggested the idea. I think it registered as less awkward in the moment than over ENA. I agree in hindsight, though, that I probably should have averred instead of egging it on and and then asking later - after the awkward handholding debacle, from which perhaps I was trying to recover. I don't know. It was not done with any sort of innuendo but, maybe it made the situation (which was not really my fault: handholding is not a crime) more awkward.  

Provided this ever becomes less saturated with mixed messages: I would be interested in dating her long-term. I guess I have been interested in her for quite a while, huh.

Let me push back a little on one point, and please do not take offense - I am not feeling great at the moment. I do not think I have ever been this nervous before and during the first part of a date. I do not think I have felt this down after feeling like the date ended on a weird note. So, I think that means I really have it bad for her. If this does not work out, and if it hurts to be her friend, I would not want to be her platonic friend anymore. I would not do that to myself. 

Oh, God. I have not felt like this in a long time. Usually, I have my wits about me. I must not have in this situation. I will try to sleep this off and maybe I will feel a little better tomorrow. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Stay friends. You came on a bit too strong with the Netflix and chill date.

It seems a bit disrespectful to swoop in and assume she's itching for sex (dtf) .

It's risky to try to turn a friend into a hookup, especially a vulnerable friend who just broke up with someone.

Hopefully things recover. Step back and show her some respect.

[Pleasedonot5]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Stay friends. You came on a bit too strong with the Netflix and chill date.

It seems a bit disrespectful to swoop in and assume she's itching for sex (dtf) .

It's risky to try to turn a friend into a hookup, especially a vulnerable friend who just broke up with someone.

Hopefully things recover. Step back and show her some respect.

I respect you and your advice, Wiseman2, but this reply misses the mark for a few reasons.

The date was not a "Netflix and Chill" hookup. I cooked a nice meal for us, and then we watched comedy shows after. I put a lot of thought and preparation into the date.

She was unequivocal in her desire for sex. I am not assuming anything about this. If anything, she came on strong here.

I am interested in a long-term relationship with her. I was hoping things would develop naturally, but now I am pessimistic. Attractive as she is, I did not and do want just a hookup. 

I am not preying on a vulnerable friend for a hookup. She seemed fine. She knows I am interested in her. She asked me on the date. She kissed me first. She started sexual conversations, and made comments suggesting we should escalate. Despite this, we did not have sex.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

  She said something like "yeah, I am not sure when I will be free for another date, I am busy this week." 

Ok. Whatever. But this sounds like she's pumping the brakes. 

And she didn't accept your "offer" asking her to sleep over.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes, agreed. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno man, from what you wrote about the other date with her and now, I see 2 options, none of it is especially good for you

1) She just wanted a cheap fling. She was "dtf", even initiated some things but backed off as soon as you started to show some intimacy with hand holding. So she canceled whole thing out.

2) There is a specific type of girls we call here "teasers". Its described as "will bring you to bed, strip you, then walk away". They thrive on attention, enjoy flirting but when it comes to real stuff, they tune out. That dancing situation, even this, kinda reminds me on that. I hope to God I am wrong with that one and that you didnt run on one, let alone fallen for her.

I wouldnt invest too much into this one. Stay in contact, see if she maybe wants another date. But if you see that same type of behavior continues and that you are getting nowhere, walk away. It isnt worth your time.

[DancingFool]

I think this is just another example of if you don't want for things to get weird like this, don't do early dates at home. It doesn't matter if you prepared a 5 star gourmet meal and worked 6 hours at it. At the end of the day, she did read your invitation as Netflix and Chill and came with a certain expectation.

On that note, she was super blunt that she is looking to scratch an itch........ aaaaand.....you rejected her. No surprise that she got frustrated and then shut things down. She didn't come over to hold hands, OP, and she was very very clear about that. Btw, your "I need more connection" can easily be read by her as "I'm not really attracted to you that way."

Bottom line is that if you need more connection to develop first, then take her out on dates until you are actually ready for more and going over to your place or hers and getting down and dirty is on the table for real. Otherwise, this just creates confusion that is unnecessary. 

Overall, I don't know if you'll get another chance with her. She worked pretty hard to get a date out of you and then more only to be met with a very lame timid excuse for why you aren't taking her up on her offer. If you are all that into her like you say, you really will need to get off your arse and up your game big time....assuming it's not too little too late for that. At least try. Then again...I said that earlier - step up instead of stepping back.