Love Interest Now Single (I think)

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, dias said:

You can perform protected cunnilingus? How can you do that? 

I didn't say that!  I was just pointing out that unprotected sex has the potential to expose one to STDs.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, dias said:

You can perform protected cunnilingus? How can you do that? 

I believe there's some contraption the woman inserts?? I remember hearing about it.

[Pleasedonot5]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You're not compatible. It's that simple. 

Try to get your ego out of your own way. You were pretty nasty and abusive to her. And why? Because she wasn't enjoying oral, so you throw her out?

Reach out to the BDSM community and dating sites rather than try to convert a friend hurting from a breakup into someone who wants to play your games.

Sorry but you're not her friend. And apparently not her lover. Just a guy who swoops in looking to hurt someone vulnerable.

If you want niche dating that includes being sadistic, you need to find someone into that. Not invite women to your place and proceed to treat them like crap.

I did not ask her to leave because she wasn't enjoying it. I asked her to leave because she laughed at me and told me I was bad in bed in a disrespectful way during the act. That was wrong. If I didn't stop after that, I wouldn't have had any self-respect. You clearly were not there but I've never felt disrespected like that before in the bedroom. 

I am telling you that I had romantic interest in her. I am telling you in my opinion, she wasn't into her last relationship anymore. I followed her lead with regard to dates and wanting sex early. It is difficult to call her a vulnerable, helpless party here when she is making most of the advances and then laughing at people in bed. 

Just because two people discuss what they like before the act doesn't mean either need to join a kink community.

But yep, you caught me. My whole game here in trying to find love with someone whom I'd crushed on since meeting her, who turned out to have a focus on sex, was actually just to intentionally hurt her. /sarcasm. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Pleasedonot5 said:

I did not ask her to leave because she wasn't enjoying it. I asked her to leave because she laughed at me and told me I was bad in bed in a disrespectful way during the act. That was wrong. If I didn't stop after that, I wouldn't have had any self-respect. You clearly were not there but I've never felt disrespected like that before in the bedroom. 

I am telling you that I had romantic interest in her. I am telling you in my opinion, she wasn't into her last relationship anymore. I followed her lead with regard to dates and wanting sex early. It is difficult to call her a vulnerable, helpless party here when she is making most of the advances and then laughing at people in bed. 

Just because two people discuss what they like before the act doesn't mean either need to join a kink community.

But yep, you caught me. My whole game here in trying to find love with someone whom I'd crushed on since meeting her, who turned out to have a focus on sex, was actually just to intentionally hurt her. /sarcasm. 

I don't understand what the point is of you saying you followed her lead.  You are you own person.  You said your focus was on exploring a potential relationship with her.  Your actions reflected an intense focus on exploring sex and sexual activities and positions with her to the exclusion of actually going on dates (yes you talked about going on dates but chose instead to pursue sexual encounters at your home instead -that's not a date especially given your talk about planning date activities). 

I don't think you intentionally hurt her or took advantage of her.  This is simply two consenting adults who wanted sex and the sex was below par.  But it's not about actions consistent with pursuing a serious romantic relationship.  When I responded earlier those seemed to be your intentions.  But you changed course and to me pursuing sexual encounters and sexual exploration isn't the same especially in this situation.

[Pleasedonot5]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're disappointed and feel disrespected and I confess I skimmed parts of it.  You are not describing two people trying to date and get to know each other.  You are describing two people sexually attracted to each other and acting on the sexual attraction primarily.  It's nice you planned an actual date but your actions show that sex was the primary focus for both of you. 

The sexual part didn't seem to work out that well and had you two prioritized getting to know each other on dates where you did activities in public whether free or otherwise then both of you would be acting consistently with the intention of dating.  You chose instead to prioritize sexual activity in your home.  That's not the same as dating with potential for a relationship -sex can be part of it, even casual sex, but here it's the prime focus.  And that's not what you said you wanted in this thread.  But it's how you're acting, how she is acting and that's adding to the "confusion" you're both creating. 

You focus on how she treated you during sex but you expressed interest in dating her - with actual dating activities and then chose sexual encounters in your home to act out this BDSM stuff (sorry I'm just not that familiar with those fetishes/kinks) - so you also are not communicating properly.

So, the thing is, we had known each other for a while. So, asking someone you know somewhat well for coffee can be a little lame. 

I understand through posting here that having what turned out to be a "first date" at my place was a bad idea. I did put in a lot of effort in cleaning and preparing a nice meal. It created, however, an expectation of sex in her mind. Meanwhile, the "first date" made me pump the breaks with regard to sex. So, things became weird. 

I understand that it seems like we were pursuing a sexual relationship, but I am telling you I wanted a long-term romance. I do not mind if my partner ends up wanting to have sex more or has a higher libido or something. I wanted a relationship (no rush), she said she wanted the same thing. It seemed like she had a different idea about how early we should have sex or how much it should happen. And look, if intentions were aligned, and then your attractive crush tells you, "hey, let's leave and head to your place ;)" -- and you'd received advice that you were acting in such a way that you had rejected your crush / caused the weirdness on the last date -- it starts to make sense why last night happened. 

In retrospect, this whole situation was full of mixed-messages, was confusing, and was not going well. Moving forward, well, I don't know. I won't let this exact situation happen again. 

[Pleasedonot5]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't understand what the point is of you saying you followed her lead.  You are you own person.  You said your focus was on exploring a potential relationship with her.  Your actions reflected an intense focus on exploring sex and sexual activities and positions with her to the exclusion of actually going on dates (yes you talked about going on dates but chose instead to pursue sexual encounters at your home instead -that's not a date especially given your talk about planning date activities). 

I don't think you intentionally hurt her or took advantage of her.  This is simply two consenting adults who wanted sex and the sex was below par.  But it's not about actions consistent with pursuing a serious romantic relationship.  When I responded earlier those seemed to be your intentions.  But you changed course and to me pursuing sexual encounters and sexual exploration isn't the same especially in this situation.

I responded to this in my last post. I understand what you mean. 

I am my own person. Of course I am. I said "I followed her lead" because Wiseman kept saying I was sadistically hurting someone who was vulnerable. My point there showed support [edit] that that was not the case.

I wanted a long-term relationship. My crush told me let's leave, and we did. And there were concerns last date about rejecting her. So, I did not want to do that again. Of course, I also wanted sex. I figured that a relationship would not happen if she continually felt let down. 

Well, looks like she was let down again anyway. Fine, but she did not need to belittle / disrespect me like that. I am glad I stood up for myself and stopped the encounter after she did that. 

[Pleasedonot5]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

First off, I strongly suggest you get STD tested.  You performed oral unprotected (I presume).  She may have done this with other men that you don't know about.  It's best to know for sure you didn't catch anything.

And I'm also confused about what it is you want.  You say you want an actual relationship but led with sex.  Both of you are behaving as though sex is the goal.  Which is fine, but it's not likely to lead to a committed romantic relationship.

I presume you're going to see her again next Friday at the dance event.  Try to follow through with your misgivings and don't allow this to happen again.  She apparently feels you are sexually incompatible, so why put yourself through this anymore?

I can tell you, there have been a couple of times I was attracted to a man and wanted sex with him but when it happened it was disappointing.  These were good looking men too, it had nothing to do with their appearance, but for whatever reason the sex was unsatisfying.  Try not to let it be a blow to your ego (so to speak!).  The right woman will be pleased and satisfied.  This just isn't the right one.

Thanks. 

I am telling you that I wanted (past tense) a romantic relationship with her. Of course, I like sex. Who doesn't. Those two things aren't always mutually exclusive. I figured "well, ok, she puts a lot of focus on sex. Cool." 

Thankfully, the next dance event is not until next month. Still, I am not looking forward to that. 

Thank you. I have had disappointing sexual encounters too. I reckon neither of us resorted to belittling or disrespect for the sexual partner, even if it did not end up working out. Anyway, you are right. The right person will be sexually compatible and will not treat me like that. 

Yes, I will not be pursuing this anymore. No ands, ifs, or buts.

[Kwothe28]

When I told you she is maybe the type of girl that would strip you and then leave you hanging I meant metaphorically, not literally lol

Joking aside, I dunno man, in my opinion, you could have "rotate yourself on your head" and she would still not be impressed enough. So you shouldnt get your ego up and running for that. Whole those statements, weird condition so she cant have sex, how you can have sex 3 times but if you are incompatible whole thing is off, sounds weird and like somebody who is there but disinterested in a whole thing other then giving herself an ego boost. I mean, OK, for all I know maybe she just wanted to see if you are compatible or not. But from all you said, she decided that long before she stepped into your home.

[LaHermes]

35 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

the next dance event is not until next month. Still, I am not looking forward to that.

You know PDN, it might be a better idea to take on a new dance partner. What do you think?

[Pleasedonot5]

11 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You know PDN, it might be a better idea to take on a new dance partner. What do you think?

Haha. Yes, I think you are right.

Thankfully, I do not have future plans to compete at this time. That said, with social dancing I will dance more with other people.  

[Pleasedonot5]

22 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

When I told you she is maybe the type of girl that would strip you and then leave you hanging I meant metaphorically, not literally lol

Joking aside, I dunno man, in my opinion, you could have "rotate yourself on your head" and she would still not be impressed enough. So you shouldnt get your ego up and running for that. Whole those statements, weird condition so she cant have sex, how you can have sex 3 times but if you are incompatible whole thing is off, sounds weird and like somebody who is there but disinterested in a whole thing other then giving herself an ego boost. I mean, OK, for all I know maybe she just wanted to see if you are compatible or not. But from all you said, she decided that long before she stepped into your home.

It is all pretty bizarre in retrospect, isn't it? What a weird situation I put myself into.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I responded to this in my last post. I understand what you mean. 

I am my own person. Of course I am. I said "I followed her lead" because Wiseman kept saying I was sadistically hurting someone who was vulnerable. My point there showed support [edit] that that was not the case.

I wanted a long-term relationship. My crush told me let's leave, and we did. And there were concerns last date about rejecting her. So, I did not want to do that again. Of course, I also wanted sex. I figured that a relationship would not happen if she continually felt let down. 

Well, looks like she was let down again anyway. Fine, but she did not need to belittle / disrespect me like that. I am glad I stood up for myself and stopped the encounter after she did that. 

We all like sex is the same as many of us like chocolate cake (pick me) but that’s irrelevant.  In truth I wanted to have sex with my future husband the first time we were alone right after we’d decided to get back together.  I stopped myself. So did he. we expressed how overwhelmingly emotional we were and intense.   We both realized we needed to wait. Because we’d already discussed we were in this - second time around - for serious reasons for marriage and family.  Liking sex and wanting it wasn’t a reason to risk making  things too much too soon.

Likewise he’d given me a necklace for my birthday earlier that evening.  He put it on but didn’t go for a “first” kiss. I asked him why later.  He said because despite wanting to he didn’t want to give the impression of taking advantage of being close to me to clasp the necklace. Again.

Acting on impulse is really fun and exciting. Because as you say “who doesn’t like sex”. But sometimes it’s worth the wait.  For the long term. Not always- not set in stone - but I’m surprised you’d dismiss this is “everyone likes sex” 

I’m really sorry she offended you and treated you disrespectfully. You deserve better of course.  

[Pleasedonot5]

 

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

We all like sex is the same as many of us like chocolate cake (pick me) but that’s irrelevant.  In truth I wanted to have sex with my future husband the first time we were alone right after we’d decided to get back together.  I stopped myself. So did he. we expressed how overwhelmingly emotional we were and intense.   We both realized we needed to wait. Because we’d already discussed we were in this - second time around - for serious reasons for marriage and family.  Liking sex and wanting it wasn’t a reason to risk making  things too much too soon.

Likewise he’d given me a necklace for my birthday earlier that evening.  He put it on but didn’t go for a “first” kiss. I asked him why later.  He said because despite wanting to he didn’t want to give the impression of taking advantage of being close to me to clasp the necklace. Again.

Acting on impulse is really fun and exciting. Because as you say “who doesn’t like sex”. But sometimes it’s worth the wait.  For the long term. Not always- not set in stone - but I’m surprised you’d dismiss this is “everyone likes sex” 

I’m really sorry she offended you and treated you disrespectfully. You deserve better of course.  

So, like over five years ago, I started probably what was my best relationship to date. "E" and I became somewhat intimate on date three. It felt natural though -- like we had known each other for so long already. We became exclusive shortly afterward and all was well for a long time. 

I may have treated this situation the same way -- but in fact it was different. It was not as natural. I acquiesced to someone and fear of messing up instead of following what felt natural. Of course, the thought of sex with K was a nice one. But, like I said: rushed, not natural. 

I am willing to wait and I usually do not want to rush anyway. I would (and have) waited before. Obviously, I did not initially plan to rush in here (see: the prior date). But then it happened last night for a variety of reasons described above. I guess I saw this scenario as the reverse of waiting. I thought, "if our intentions are aligned and she puts a higher value on sex early, then oh, well this is just her, let's have fun!" Well, we saw how that went. Eek.

Thank you for the thoughtful and compassionate reply. 

[Unsure2021]

Sorry this happened OP. It was really insensitive of her to laugh and say it wasn’t good without offering input on how to make it better. I think you dodged a bullet with this lady and it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later. It’s clear to me she only wanted a FWB, despite her claims to the contrary. Good riddance!

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Unsure2021 said:

Sorry this happened OP. It was really insensitive of her to laugh and say it wasn’t good without offering input on how to make it better. I think you dodged a bullet with this lady and it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later. It’s clear to me she only wanted a FWB, despite her claims to the contrary. Good riddance!

I don’t think she wanted FWB.  How she acted wasn’t the least bit kind or friendly. She wanted a sexual encounter. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think she wanted FWB.  How she acted wasn’t the least bit kind or friendly. She wanted a sexual encounter. 

I agree.  She wanted to get off.  She wasn't getting off and instead of being mature about it (because as Mick said, you can't always get what you want), she chose to insult you and be rude and belittling.

Those are not friendly actions.  And I presume those are not the actions of a person you'd want as a romantic partner.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

It is all pretty bizarre in retrospect, isn't it? What a weird situation I put myself into.

Eh, kinda. I would spin it on a positive note: at least now you know the answer on question "what would happen" and can move on from her. You could have spent months on this girl, texting, taking her out, getting her at home, and outcome would probably be the same. She is not the girl for what you wanted. Like this, you can spend your time to find somebody who is. And who wont be flaky with you.

[Pleasedonot5]

All great replies. Yes, I agree that I dodged a bullet. And now I know the "what if" scenario with her and it is not for me.

I no longer want her as a romantic partner. Last night's disrespect obliterated the interest I had in her. So that is the silver lining. What is not so good is that my confidence is a little bruised; pride too. And I have worries. She might tell mutual friends she thought I was bad in bed. Or, knowing her, she may still try to flirt or dance with me when that is absolutely not what I want. These things are possible and I do not know the best way to handle them. Rebuffing her is the obvious solution to the dancing problem, but I do not want a scene either. 

Edit: perhaps I am just speculating. I will probably deal with any such situations if they come up, reasonably.

[LaHermes]

Try not to futurize PDN!  She may say or think what she likes.

Why on earth should there be a "scene".  Calm and cool is the way to go.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Don't allow "what ifs" to ruin your life.  Most of the time they don't even come true!

[greendots]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out in the end. Silver lining, you now are aware that you're incompatible and can find someone much better suited for you.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

She might tell mutual friends she thought I was bad in bed.

Try not to worry about this, since you have no control over it.

She probably doesn't want to think or talk about the debacle either.

She's on the rebound, sort of all over the place and not in a position to date.

Just write it off as sexually incompatible.

[Batya33]

If she is tacky enough to gossip about how you were in bed please know the listeners if they are normal human beings will only think poorly of her.

[DancingFool]

Yikes what a crazy second date that was. Sorry you had to deal with that. For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong. You simply found out the hard way why her relationships turn toxic - it's her and she is the instigator, not the victim.

Generally speaking, when someone tells me about their string of toxic relationships, I view it as a red flag to be approached and investigated with extreme caution and skepticism. Too often either the person is damaged and drawn to the drama, thus choosing toxic partners, or they are the source of the drama. More often than not, it's the latter. 

I wouldn't worry about her badmouthing you as most people don't kiss and tell, and judge harshly those who try that. It's definitely one of those things where it would backfire on her. In general, she can only play the victim of "terrible men" for so long before people start to catch on to the pattern and realize she is the problem.

[Rose Mosse]

As I mentioned earlier, she's using you as an ego boost - nothing else. Dust yourself off and let her go. If anything you've seen her true colours and you can now move on. She has very little self-respect and respect for others. 

By the way, if you distrust her to the point of even slightly, possibly spreading gossip and ill-will against you amongst mutual friends this is NOT someone you should ever get into bed with again. She's not much of a friend either.

Maybe review whether you have a penchant for women like this. You may be enjoying the chase and the difficulty or rollercoaster but blind to who she is as a person this whole time.