Please help- internet advice related

[boohoo211]

Boyfriend of 6 years has had his social media profile on private pretty much the majority of relationship. He says I stalk and make a big deal out of nothing. I haven't "stalked" in years, it's been a really long time. I have a friend who is his friend on there too, and this is how i saw this but he recently became friends with his ex-girlfriend on IG. I mean she has a family and kids of her own now but he actually went through and LIKED pretty much EVERY single selfie she had or picture with her and her sister/friend. He liked NO pictures with her kids or husband lol. And it's strange because i KNOW this was within the last year or two that they must have befriended but he went through and "serial liked" old pictures back to 2015 ish. Now its been YEARS since they were together (high school and they are early 30's now) but they were each other's "first" everything and it's strange but I actually kind of resemble her to the point where his grandma has called me her name before. I know that they actually even had an abortion together. I always kind of had a feeling that she was the "one that got away". I KNOW he would know that i would be so hurt by this. He doesnt know I know and would probably brush it off and yell at me for stalking or something. 

[Rose Mosse]

He's dismissive and checking on an old ex so I do not think you are being sensitive. He's inappropriate and doesn't seem like he respects you at all in the relationship nor does he care what you think or feel. Are there other issues besides this ex between the both of you?

If they're in their early 30s how old are you? What do you hope to gain from this relationship?

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you're just being sensitive about this, actually. 

Any man who's ever gone on a "liking spree" up and down my social media has been trying to get my attention in some way, nearly always followed by a random message from said man popping up in my inbox. They know what they're doing. It's not random and meaningless, in my experience. 

How has your relaitonship been apart from the social media issues? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

 He says I stalk and make a big deal out of nothing. He doesnt know I know and would probably brush it off and yell at me for stalking.

How did you met? Do you live together?  How often do you see each other in person?

You seem understandably miserable.

Your relationship sounds awful. Full of disrespect and distrust.

End it. There's no reason to be with someone who shuts you out and yells at you.

You've already wasted 6 years of your life on someone you believe is holding a torch for an old flame.

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[Lambert]

Is this really the relationship you want?  Where your guy of 6 years is not sharing his social media with you?  Disrespecting you with comments?  Accusing you of stalking?  Knowing there is "someone who got away"?

You're not really be valued or cherished in this relationship.  Makes me wonder why you stuck around so long?  

Once one partner starts talking to the other any way they want, does whatever they want with no concerns of hurting the other or that the other will leave, I don't think that can be fixed.  

It's hard to walk away, but it's impossible to fix someone else.  

Sorry you have been putting up with this.  You deserve much better.  

[Andrina]

Six years with him and you feel like your relationship is built of sea sand instead of concrete? Since you don't feel secure, like you're second fiddle, like you're not cherished, don't you think this is the wrong relationship for you? It's like you're trying to compete for a prize, and the prize is a bag of crap.

[SooSad33]

Okay, so he's found an 'old flame'.  Both have moved on now (and her married).

Liking an ex's pics means nothing really.

It's their past.  A lot has happened since and they are both different nowadays. ( Like you said each other's firsts-- yeah, that can make an impact- but that's it).

Would it work out another time around?  Nah... been there, time changes everyone.  

Anyways.. do YOU trust him?  You have been together 6 years.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@SooSad33 I have to disagree.

The feedback above is more like it. Who likes pictures dating back to 2015? And, she's not allowed to friend him on his account.

The dude is hiding something. I'd leave. I'm sure there are other things not working out in the relationship, and this is the tip of the iceberg.

[SooSad33]

7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Who likes pictures dating back to 2015? And, she's not allowed to friend him on his account.

The dude is hiding something. I'd leave.

I agree, there probably is...

Maybe he's just recently become 'friends' with the ex, which is why he's liking all of the pics from back then.

Yeah, I have been involved w/ the occasional dude who did not 'add me' as a friend.

But, 6 yrs together.. I am guessing she's just tolerated too much .  

[DarkCh0c0]

@SooSad33 same here, but it's been years and the excuse does not hold itself 😕

I guess we have to wait to hear from OP.

[boltnrun]

Does this relationship make you feel secure, warm and loved?

Or do you frequently feel insecure, anxious and worried?

[smackie9]

6 years? How old are you two?

Anyway OP you can't assume what he is thinking or why he is doing it. It might be his way of saying "hey after all these years you still look great". If this is inappropriate, I bet her husband will have something to say about it, and in time your BF will be drop off her friends list soon enough. And then everyone will just carry on with their lives. I think this is just one of those glitches in the relationship. It will pass.

[Kwothe28]

You do seem "stalkerish". Otherwise you wouldnt know about what photos he liked

But OK, at best you have him just pining over an old flame, his first love. Which is kinda alarming for you but not that much if there is nothing else going on. however

9 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

has had his social media profile on private pretty much the majority of relationship.

in combination with this its suspicious. Couples usually dont hide their social media profiles from one another even if another one has stalkerish tendency. Shows lack of trust at least. At worst, who knows what he is hiding more. In any case, even if there is nothing going on, both of you have a problem trusting each other. After 6 years together at least that should be gone. So you need to at least work on that

[boohoo211]

11 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

He's dismissive and checking on an old ex so I do not think you are being sensitive. He's inappropriate and doesn't seem like he respects you at all in the relationship nor does he care what you think or feel. Are there other issues besides this ex between the both of you?

If they're in their early 30s how old are you? What do you hope to gain from this relationship?

There are other issues. It's a 6 year relationship and 5 year long distance. I'm also in my early thirties, they are 34 and i'm 30. All I want is to see that this person is trustworthy..

[boohoo211]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you met? Do you live together?  How often do you see each other in person?

You seem understandably miserable.

Your relationship sounds awful. Full of disrespect and distrust.

End it. There's no reason to be with someone who shuts you out and yells at you.

You've already wasted 6 years of your life on someone you believe is holding a torch for an old flame.

We met through a mutual friend and we have never lived together. I have been away for school and recently graduated. It is absolutely miserable. I had to end it. Thank you

[boohoo211]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Does this relationship make you feel secure, warm and loved?

Or do you frequently feel insecure, anxious and worried?

The latter..

[boohoo211]

Okay so for those asking, I am 30 and he is 34. We have been long distance for most of those 6 years because I have been in school. I am finally done and living on my own STILL. This is the day he brings up almost every disagreement we have. When i ask, school's over, will you come now? I keep getting excuses. He refuses to live with me because: 

Two years ago when i was in school, he made a rash decision to come live with me (at the time i had a roommate and he claimed he would get a motel for now and find a job bc i cant bombard my roommate of course..). I was back home at the time and he planned to fly back to my place with me, permanently. I was super excited of course but he seemed "off". He kept repeating he was "SURE" he wanted this but acted annoyed. My mom and I picked him up from his house about an hour late headed for the airport and he was very visibly rude to my mom and when I asked him why he said it's because if he had known i would be late, he would have spent more time saying bye to family at a family gathering he had that day. Keep in mind he knew we were leaving for the past TWO days so how is that MY fault? He could have made time to see family in those two days. So already our future together was starting off sour. I mean, I already had been looking forward to this day for so long and he acts like this? Then when we arrived, and as we were driving he got a call from a girl friend who I didnt really know. I knew she was younger and called him often for guy advice but that's it. He answered in front of me, talked, then ended call. I forgot what had happened but I somehow found out she calls him in the middle of the night and I said i wasnt okay with that. He became upset and said yea she knows you dont like it when she calls because i told her "yea my girl is crazy so". Why couldnt he have my side as my boyfriend? Tell her i just dont want to disrespect my girl, or something? Not say "MY GIRL IS CRAZY". That hurt so much and was the last straw that day. So i sent him on a flight home and we never ended up living together. 

[boltnrun]

You're a doctor.  You don't need this BS person in your life.

I'm willing to bet there would be a line outside your door (figuratively speaking) once you're single.  You're educated and seem kind hearted. Most men would value someone like you.

But he doesn't. So, time to float him loose.

[boohoo211]

I know these are side stories, im sorry but I just wanted to give context into our biggest issues in the relationship. 

He puts his profiles on private because I have a history of messaging girls on there. We had a one week break a year ago and after messaging a girl on his FB, she actually replied that yes they dated recently. Like spent the night at her house multiple times, she talked about future with him, that kind of thing. Keep in mind, the break was 10 DAYS long. He claims to only have been with her during that week but neither of them could give me EXACT dates. So to this day I am paranoid. And at the start of the relationship I have caught him in so many lies its ridiculous. At the beginning I even caught him messaging girls and asking for there phone number. His response? He was paranoid they were fake profiles b/c he's dealt with that before. He doesnt want "fake people" spying on him.

Since then things have been better and I can tell he is telling the truth when he says he loves me. He texts me constantly. If anything, he wants more attention than I can give him most days. We talk pretty much every single day. Aside from these issues, I truly do feel loved and heard by this person. If we didnt have this past and if he didnt keep things private from me he would be perfect. But it's still difficult for me to completely trust. I've messaged 3 girls in total to see if they got flirty vibes from him or if they dated, and because of this, he is paranoid of me messaging anyone else, his words. But my question, if you have nothing to hide, WHY KEEP things on private? That just makes me feel EVEN WORSE. Like he DOES have something to hide, and i've said this to him. But..he just doesnt want me messaging anyone he says.

So his IG has been permanently on private. I havent looked in like a year, until recently.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

I've messaged 3 girls in total

I'm confused.

YOU were cheating by messaging girls on Instagram?  But yet YOU are upset he keeps his social media private?

[boohoo211]

No, I messaged girls to ask if he was dating them or had attempted to while we were together. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

No, I messaged girls to ask if he was dating them or had attempted to while we were together. 

When you get to the point that you distrust your SO so much you're doing things like that...the relationship is over.

Again, you're a new doctor.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Why choose a partner who drags you down and makes you feel anxious and insecure?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, boohoo211 said:

I am 30 and he is 34. We have been long distance for most of those 6 years because I have been in school. 

His IG activities are the least of your problems. You've wasted a great deal of your adult life on this creep. Talk to trusted friends and family.

[Andrina]

36 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

No, I messaged girls to ask if he was dating them or had attempted to while we were together.

Most people only have the energy for one career. Having a second career as a detective is exhausting both mentally and physically, isn't it? Why you continued after he was rude to you and your mother and sent him packing speaks of your low standards and low self worth. Be alone to find out who you are without a man who likes to be surrounded by a harem. He prefers LDRs so that he can live in this way without little interference.

When you build your self worth and are ready to date again, do so with men you won't feel compelled to investigate.