Tinder...

[coly16]

I am dating someone with a lot of emotional trauma in his life. He had an abusive mother, a no show dad, and his foster family abandoned him (only a couple months ago). His friends aren't the greatest either and I've fallen in love with him. I have made my best effort to love him how he needs to be loved. I try to boost his self esteem and i try to convince him I'm not leaving since he's developed abandonment issues. In all, he has had a very rough life. He was a marine and is now in school for HVAC. All of this i think has ended up with him becoming clinically depressed. I found out he was on tinder and upon inspection, I saw he had talked to some girls but nothing past hello and how's your day. No number exchanges. no meet ups. nothing sexual. I tried leaving but he broke down and told me I was the only good thing in his life and he'd do whatever i asked. He'd change and go to therapy for the depression. He would return to the gym (something he loved and stopped doing) and he'd be more attentive. It's been a week and he's done all those things but I feel almost like an idiot for letting this go. I should leave in my mind but his past is so different and I do love him so it's hard seeing him broken, even harder feeling like I'm making it worse. His idea of love is so skewed. Am i evil if I leave? Am i an idiot if i stay? To be clear, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been official for 7 months. I do love him. I just don't know how to get past this or if i even can. 

[SooSad33]

11 minutes ago, coly16 said:

I have made my best effort to love him how he needs to be loved. I try to boost his self esteem and i try to convince him I'm not leaving since he's developed abandonment issues. In all, he has had a very rough life.

YOU can only do so much, but you cannot 'heal' him.  If he is a negative person, depressed, etc.  That is how he is unless/ until he starts working on himself and working through all of his damages. ( If we're damaged, we're unable to make a relationship successful, for reasons - insecure, too dependent, anger, etc..)

12 minutes ago, coly16 said:

I found out he was on tinder and upon inspection, I saw he had talked to some girls but nothing past hello and how's your day. No number exchanges. no meet ups. nothing sexual.

How do YOU know this?  Are you going into his stuff? - No trust, there?

 

12 minutes ago, coly16 said:

I tried leaving but he broke down and told me I was the only good thing in his life and he'd do whatever i asked.

Whatever you asked?  Like stop going on Tinder?

 

13 minutes ago, coly16 said:

His idea of love is so skewed. Am i evil if I leave? Am i an idiot if i stay?

Skewed.. how?

No, you are not 'evil', why would you think this?

You already know he is  messed up & struggling, so you can guarantee he'll be affecting you in ways as well- ie. feeling guilt, sad, low, etc. ( You are already wondering IF you'd be evil if you left) 😕 

Like I said, he needs to get some prof help and keep at it.  is he also medicated?  Is good to go that route as well as therapy. Is best to remain single and work through this kind of stuff on your own, not drag  other's down, push/pull, accusations, etc.

[MissCanuck]

I would not stay. 

His past doesn't make him a dishonest and disloyal person. Those are conscious choices on his part. The crying when you discovered seems manipulative, sorry to say. 

It's only been 7 months and he's already behaving badly. It would be foolish to continue dating. 

[SherrySher]

You told him the problem, at least give him a chance to change. 

He has said he would, he is making changes now see if he sticks to them.

If he doesn't then yes, it's time to leave. But I would at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

I normally wouldn't advise that, but in this specific case, I think giving him a chance might be worth it.

But I would give him ONE chance and once chance only.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, coly16 said:

. His idea of love is so skewed. 

Tinder is for dates and hookups. It's not to find specimens to play psychiatrist with.

It seems your "idea of love" is the one that is skewed.

Cut your losses. Consider therapy before you date again to understand why you want to change and fix broken people.

 

[catfeeder]

How did you learn that he's on Tinder, and how do you know the degree of his conversations?

[Rose Mosse]

Even though someone is clinically depressed it does not give that person a license to hop onto a dating app and start messaging other individuals. I think he is emotionally manipulating you and you're blind to his manipulation. 

I realize this is probably not what you want to hear. Reconsider the relationship but not based on his trauma and problems. Those are being used as scapegoats for cheating and lack of loyalty. 

[Hollyj]

 Do you usually look for projects?   You sound like you have become his therapist.  This is not healthy!

You sound very co dependent.  Has this been present in other relationships? 
 

He can’t blame his Tinder activity on his upbringing.  This dude is not to be trusted. 

[Lambert]

he's using his past to manipulate someone. YOU 

This whole notion if you love him the right way.  is a mistake on your part.  He has serious issues that love won't fix.

Find a boyfriend not a project. What he did is a deal breaker. You may love him, but he is incapable. obviously.

Protect your self. End it and ask him to not contact you again. clean breaks are best for all involved. Sorry. 

[coly16]

On 5/7/2021 at 1:35 AM, catfeeder said:

How did you learn that he's on Tinder, and how do you know the degree of his conversations?

My friend found him. I made him show me his conversations

[coly16]

On 5/8/2021 at 1:41 AM, Hollyj said:

 Do you usually look for projects?   You sound like you have become his therapist.  This is not healthy!

You sound very co dependent.  Has this been present in other relationships? 
 

He can’t blame his Tinder activity on his upbringing.  This dude is not to be trusted. 

I never did look for projects. I broke it off with my last bf because I didn't want to be taking care of him. It's not that i'm trying to care for him that makes me stay, it's that I do love him. I know in theory I shouldn't trust him but something is making me want to stay. I've never had trouble dropping people before 

[coly16]

On 5/8/2021 at 9:34 AM, Lambert said:

he's using his past to manipulate someone. YOU 

This whole notion if you love him the right way.  is a mistake on your part.  He has serious issues that love won't fix.

Find a boyfriend not a project. What he did is a deal breaker. You may love him, but he is incapable. obviously.

Protect your self. End it and ask him to not contact you again. clean breaks are best for all involved. Sorry. 

I want to say it's not a project. I don't want to fix him. I just don't want to be another person that walks out of his life. Maybe he's manipulating me, i dont know. But i feel like i'd be abandoning him which he deserves 100%. It just doesn't feel right to leave

[Hollyj]

Don't you think you should love yourself.  It has only been 7 months and he has shown you what your future will be with him.  You are foolish to stay.

[Hollyj]

You discovered the cheating back in November, one month after you started dating.  Here we are 6 months later and you are basically asking the same question- created a thread in December and February regarding the same issue, and the posters said this guy could not be trusted and to move on.  You are not letting this go, will there be another thread in July regarding the same exact issue?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, coly16 said:

My friend found him. I made him show me his conversations

You need to end it and cut your losses. 

Once you start playing phone police, it's over.

Not sure which is worse. Playing psychiatrist or prison guard, what do you think?

At any rate this is built on damage and creating even more damage.

Take a break from dating altogether until you figure some things out.

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, coly16 said:

I want to say it's not a project. I don't want to fix him. I just don't want to be another person that walks out of his life. Maybe he's manipulating me, i dont know. But i feel like i'd be abandoning him which he deserves 100%. It just doesn't feel right to leave

obviously that's your choice.  As is your choice of words.

You don't want to fix him?  Why not? You like how he is?

And you're willing b to stay with him, so he doesn't get left again? 

Where are you in there? Your needs? 

You're trying to sound noble. Prove to him you deserve better because you are better than the others... but it doesn't work that way. 

 

[limichelle]

The only way to show someone you’re missed is by your absence. I say the tinder profile is a giant red flag. He’s entertaining the idea of someone else and that’s dangerous In itself. 
 

His past doesn’t define him. 
 

 

[Tinydance]

None of the things you wrote about are an excuse to be on Tinder. If he's in a monogamous relationship with you for seven months then he shouldn't be going on Tinder at all. That's very disrespectful. It doesn't matter if he's depressed or had a bad past, he can't use it to do whatever he wants. If everyone else has walked out of his life then he should be grateful to have you. He shouldn't be jeopardising your relationship. Maybe he didn't get their number yet, but it may have been leading to that. It's not your place to make sure he's OK. It's his responsibility to seek psychiatric help and do therapy to work on his issues.

[coly16]

I took all of your advice and ended the relationship a couple months ago. More importantly, I let myself out of the binding notion I was hurting him by leaving. It was the bed he made and I got entangled in his stories. In any case, thank you all for helping me remove myself from a situation that wasn't mutually beneficial. I don't know if what I feel more than hurt right now but I do know there is a sense of relief somewhere in there. I sought out a therapist as well and she showed me his actions were manipulation tactics from years of abandonment. I guess from the inside, it is just harder to see. Please know, your comments and suggestions did help and it was very much appreciated.