Should I drop it?

[Isabelly]

My boyfriend of 2 years has 3 kiddos with his ex. I knew what I was getting into when we decided to be together. I have met the baby momma & have an great relationship with the kids. BM have no issues with each other, aside my insecurities. I have been cheated on multiple times in the past & although it has been years since my toxic/abusive relationships, I still get triggered.
 

Him and I have a few agreements, including if they ever hang out together. My insecurities began when he took his son to soccer practice and BM went to it as well and he never told me. I was told by their daughter, as she was telling a story. 
Mind you, from my knowledge, they don’t hang out, barely talk to each other, and only have conversations about their kids. I was really upset and when I confronted him, he brushed it off and told me he doesn’t need to tell me that his sons mom is going to practice. But from my understanding and what he informed me was that they’ve never hung out besides that soccer practice. What stuck with me was that he got mad at me for feeling upset. Now... I understand where he is coming from, because looking at it, it’s really not a big deal! Any way— he apologized that same night & told me he’d let me know moving forward. So today— to make a long story short, his BM was wanting to FaceTime him while he was napping. Usually the kids FaceTime him, but they hadn’t been picked up from school yet. Once my bf woke up, I confronted him about it & asked why she’d want to FaceTime him when they “don’t really talk or see each other”. I told him that I know this is silly to him, but it’s a big deal to me. He doesn’t know why she called if the kids weren’t picked up yet and doesn’t care. For my own reassurance, I asked him to call her and ask what’s up. He said no and is ignoring me. I feel shut down and not heard. I know this is SO silly to a lot of people... but I still get those same gut wrenching feelings of insecurity & second guess my trust towards my current bf. I’m going to drop it, but I just want to know if anyone understands me. I don’t have any kids and I don’t have any step family, so I know I’m not going to fully understand those who do and the relationship boundaries/emotions between the other parent. 
 

I usually hold this all in, but I just really need to talk to someone as I don’t talk to anyone about my relationship 😣

[abitbroken]

I think you are overreacting.  Both parents know when soccer practice/games are and if she decides to show up and watch her kid, she shouldn't have to ask his permission, nor yours!

And stop calling her "baby momma"> They have THREE kids. She wasn't some one night stand - she is his former wife or girlfriend. Stop disrespecting her like that. She is obviously good to her kids and it seems like she is coparenting appropriately.

This is not her or his problem - this is your insecurity and I suggest counseling, soul searching, whatever it takes to get a level perspective. 

[Capricorn3]

^ I second the above post.

Yes, you should drop it.

[Hollyj]

I suggest that you get therapy for your trust issues or you will push your bf away.   

You are being unreasonable.    Drop the "baby momma."   It is disrespectful.   

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Isabelly said:

I was really upset and when I confronted him, he brushed it off and told me he doesn’t need to tell me that his sons mom is going to practice. But from my understanding and what he informed me was that they’ve never hung out besides that soccer practice. What stuck with me was that he got mad at me for feeling upset

I would be irritated with you too, honestly. 

You are creating mountains out of molehills on this one. I would also feel disrespected by your reaction, as it would tell me that you don't trust me at all. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Isabelly said:

 I knew what I was getting into 

It would be best to address your chronic history of abuse, being cheated on and "triggers".

It seems you didn't know what you were getting into.

He is going to have to communicate with his kids' mother, it's that simple.

In fact a good co-parenting relationship is essential to their well being. That comes first. Not your issues with your "triggers".

It's unclear with your past relationship history, why you would date a single dad who clearly will have a past and be in contact with his ex.

Take a break from relationships until you get help for your "triggers".

He needs to look out for the wellbeing of his kids, not walk on eggs because you're insecure and damaged.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Isabelly said:

I usually hold this all in, but I just really need to talk to someone as I don’t talk to anyone about my relationship 😣

When you get into a relationship with somebody that has children, you are often signing up for a second place position in that family's life. You are immediately a less important person than the parents and the children. You have almost no voice.

That is a tough place to be in, and I think it would be nice if your boyfriend was generous enough to humor your insecurities--the few places that you can have a voice--by shooting you that quick text when his ex showed up unexpectedly, etc. But unfortunately, that is not the treatment you are getting. It does not seem likely that you will get it from him either.

It's pretty rare to find a blended-family situation where parents and step parents are able to balance power among themselves without any adults being second-class citizens. If you want to be on equal footing with your partner, you will most likely have to find a guy who doesn't have kids and/or a baby-momma. 

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, Isabelly said:

So today— to make a long story short, his BM was wanting to FaceTime him while he was napping. Usually the kids FaceTime him, but they hadn’t been picked up from school yet. Once my bf woke up, I confronted him about it & asked why she’d want to FaceTime him when they “don’t really talk or see each other”. I told him that I know this is silly to him, but it’s a big deal to me. He doesn’t know why she called if the kids weren’t picked up yet and doesn’t care. For my own reassurance, I asked him to call her and ask what’s up. He said no and is ignoring me. I feel shut down and not heard. I know this is SO silly to a lot of people... but I still get those same gut wrenching feelings of insecurity & second guess my trust towards my current bf.

Your concerns are valid but I don't see why you have to keep undermining yourself in the way you think or talk about yourself. I'm not saying all of it is but this is part of your issue.

You seem to be bringing up concerns and then undercutting yourself and invalidating your own concerns. It's a "big deal" but then it's "SO silly". It's not silly if it's a big deal to you. While I think that there are better ways to handle your anxiety, your boyfriend is impatient towards you. 

In this situation I quoted above it would have been best to leave the matter to him and the kids' mother to work out and in future not ambush someone upon waking about an ongoing family issue. Let him check his messages or missed calls. Busy yourself, make something for the kids, go outside and read a book. Create buffers and boundaries for you to retreat to so that you can think and not assume too much of a parental role. If you fit in, you'll eventually be included in some of the decision making later on down the line. Not something to expect either. 

At two years in, I'd be observant and mindful of my place but also respectful that there are pre-existing relationships before you. 

Some questions I have: Do you want a family of your own or kids of your own? Where do you see this relationship going? Is your boyfriend just as emotionally invested in your relationship? I feel like there's some kind of inertia in your own relationship with your bf and maybe this stings to realize but better to acknowledge than not.

 

 

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, Isabelly said:

I have been cheated on multiple times in the past & although it has been years since my toxic/abusive relationships, I still get triggered.
 

Him and I have a few agreements, including if they ever hang out together. My insecurities began when he took his son to soccer practice and BM went to it as well and he never told me.

- How long have you guys been involved?  When my son was in soccer, was his father's choice to also attend.

As for their 'communication' yes, is good they speak re: their kids.

14 hours ago, Isabelly said:

I told him that I know this is silly to him, but it’s a big deal to me. He doesn’t know why she called if the kids weren’t picked up yet and doesn’t care. For my own reassurance, I asked him to call her and ask what’s up. He said no and is ignoring me.

Yeah, this is YOUR insecurities and if you don't lay off a bit, this is just going to set him off & he'll pull away.

 

Are you maybe not ready to be involved with anyone at this time, especially a man in this situation?

[boltnrun]

It's healthy for the children for their parents to have a cordial relationship.

Maybe his children's mother (NOT "baby momma" or "BM") wanted to discuss something that wasn't appropriate for the children to hear and that's why she wanted to facetime while they weren't there.

He is going to be involved in his children's lives forever.  If you don't like that he will have to interact with their mother, maybe don't date a man who has children.

[Tinydance]

Well, I think that if you have really bad insecurities about dating a guy who still has to speak to his ex, then maybe you actually shouldn't be dating a guy with kids. Do you want kids of your own? If you don't want them that's totally fine. But if you want kids then also what is the point of dating a guy who already has three kids and probably doesn't want more?

The thing is that people who have kids do have to speak to their ex on a regular basis because they need to co-parent and organise everything about the children. Some people are friends with their ex for this reason. They want to be friends because it's in the children's best interests to see their parents get along. I understand maybe it would seem out of line if your boyfriend and his ex went out alone. But if they go out for the children, e.g. soccer practice, it's because the kids want them both there.

The kids have a good relationship with both parents and obviously they want both parents to attend their events. So things like soccer practice, school concert, etc. Your boyfriend doesn't need to ask your permission every time to speak to his ex or be around his ex with the children. So what if she wanted to Face Time him but the kids weren't there? Maybe she needed to discuss something about the kids. You don't actually know what she was going to say to him. You need to stop policing and controlling the situation. If you don't like it that your boyfriend needs to be in contact with his ex then don't date a guy who has kids. It's your choice to date him and he doesn't have to cut off his ex or ignore her calls or whatever just for you. This is his kids' Mum, so she will always be there. If you don't like it then unfortunately it'll have to be you who has to go. The "Baby Mumma" isn't going anywhere.

[catfeeder]

Your partner can't control which of his children's events their mother will attend.

Two people on a soccer field doesn't automatically equal 'hanging out together'.

If you want to be control-freaky about this, then yes, you will drive a wedge between yourself and your parter, so I'd drop it.

Focus on 2 things instead: first, your own mental health with a counselor or therapist, and second, whatever you can do to improve your relationship rather than harm it.