Fiancé get easily overwhelmed by future plans.

[Elm12345]

I have been with my fiancé in a long distance relationship since 2017. He is from Ireland and I live in the USA. We generally see each other every 2-3 months for 1-2 months each visit. We have spent a lot of time together and on the phone and our communication is pretty solid with the exception of this. I am a planning type of person and I think he is more go with the flow. He will be moving here permanently next month and we'll be getting married. We were supposed to do all of this last year but with Covid it wasn't possible. So we have had a long time to get used to the idea of this big transition although I understand it is still going to be a big change for him.

I like to have options with everything in life. There are a lot of unknowns and I understand that but I think it's important to have our priorities in line especially now that we are getting married. We agree on everything like wanting kids, housing, jobs, general lifestyle, etc. However, I live in a very high cost area and since I will be the one financially responsible until he is legally able to work, it's something that I think about often. So today I was just researching other areas that we could potentially be happy living in that are lower cost and just telling him as a hypothetical and that it was not a serious decision making conversation but just kinda daydreaming/sharing my thoughts. He basically said it's not something he can even think about or comment on because he doesn't know what the future holds. I get that, but I also think that having options communicated is important? It left me feeling deflated and like he thought I was wanting him to make a decision when I wasn't. This has happened before as well in the past when I want to talk about something in the future and he gets easily overwhelmed and says it's not something he can think about until he's in the actual situation.

Is this just a communication error or should I just stop bringing up future things with him? Or should we be talking about the future? 

Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Elm12345 said:

He basically said it's not something he can even think about or comment on because he doesn't know what the future holds.

What exactly does he mean by this? 

[melancholy123]

I assume I am like you in liking options and being able to think/daydream about future important things like where to live.  But for him, I'd cut him some slack since he doesn't live near you yet, and he has to learn the area for himself.  Once he gets here and is getting used to his new home, you can bring up where to live in future.  Go for a drive to an area you'd like to live in and see what he thinks.  I think communication between you two is very important along with patience from you.

[catfeeder]

I'd cut him some slack given that he's already focused on getting his life in order to make a huge move overseas. That can be overwhelming in and of itself.

Some people can only chomp on one step at a time. Allow him some breathing room on executing this HUGE change first, and don't personalize his stress while he stays focused on his most immediate move.

Let him decompress before presenting ideas that he doesn't need to address right NOW.

CongrAts, and enjOy!

[Rose Mosse]

 

Quote

since I will be the one financially responsible until he is legally able to work, it's something that I think about often.

Work through this a bit more. You're unsettled about this so address this. Don't move too far ahead with future planning solutions. Address feeling overwhelmed about this issue. If it means drawing up a better budget with timelines, do so for yourself. You're taking this on so it's fair that you are feeling responsible for this. 

 

 

[LaHermes]

Elm.

Well, discussion is always important, but doesn't have to be done all at once,  and basically I agree with Melan and CatFeeder.  I did pick up on this in your OP  "I will be the one financially responsible until he is legally able to work".

Surely he has some means (money) of his own, coming to the U.S.A., enough to keep himself for whatever length of time is required? 

And, once he is legally permitted to work, will there be opportunities open to him?

IMO these apparently mundane aspects are actually vitally important. 

I see no reason why you should move from your present area, or even discuss this now.  

 

[Atlguy]

I don't have any specific advice, but I am in a similar situation.  She arrives here in June  from Ukraine and we have 90 days to get married.  I am having some second thoughts.  Good news/bad news is I can send her back, but I wouldn't have invested this much if I thought that would happen.  You've known yours longer than I've known mine (a year and a half, and probably have a more solid relationship).  But to your question, my fiancee has researched the heck out of the U.S. and is very open to moving, as she knows I hate where I live.  We would be moving to a more expensive city though, so for now I'm glad I live where I do since I will be on the hook for everything for at least 6 months until she can work.  I say if he hasn't researched, it's your call as to where you live.  he seems like he doesn't care to research it.

[MissCanuck]

On 4/24/2021 at 8:10 PM, Elm12345 said:

He basically said it's not something he can even think about or comment on because he doesn't know what the future holds.

Hm. I would discuss this with him. 

My sense is that he is understandably overwhelmed by the prospect of leaving the life he knows, and can only manage one step at a time right now. I moved abroad myself a few years ago now, and it's a huge process and change on nearly every level. 

Do you worry he might be having second thoughts about all of this?

[smackie9]

lets be honest here...things may not work out. He may hate it there, doesn't like the culture, can't find steady employment, has trouble adjusting, gets incredibly home sick, etc. So slow your roll.

Just wait til he gets there, let him get settled, see how things go before adding more to this....things will keep as my dad always said.

Trust me on this one, we have had posts that the person that uprooted their life had big regrets, and felt very trapped....no money to get home, etc.

And also consider this, even if you are not together anymore, you are still responsible for his financial needs for 10 years.

[dias]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Trust me on this one, we have had posts that the person that uprooted their life had big regrets, and felt very trapped....no money to get home, etc.

There is no better test than this to see a person's personality and abilities. 

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

you are still responsible for his financial needs for 10 years.

10 years? that much? something does not make sense. 10 years? 

[Atlguy]

1 minute ago, dias said:

There is no better test than this to see a person's personality and abilities. 

10 years? that much? something does not make sense. 10 years? 

10 years if they go on welfare during that period.  The government rarely goes after that money.  Thats especially unlikely in this administration.  Don't let it scare you too much.  I'm doing the same thing.  My fiancee would never be on Welfare, Section 8 housing, and food stamps.  She's too smart for that.

[DancingFool]

I think the clash here is exactly that - you are alleviating your anxiety through daydreaming and he is more pragmatic and grounded. He cannot realistically contribute to any actual planning or options without moving here and seeing what's what. He cannot give you any real input and he is right to back away from such conversations with "let's wait and see first" because he doesn't know if your ideas would in fact be a better option or not until he gets here and sees what his job prospects are, what life is like, etc.

Also, be careful that you don't project your anxieties to him. You sound much more overwhelmed than he is. His response is pragmatic. Your need to daydream about what if this and what if that is anxiety talking.

[abitbroken]

What about seeing if he can apply for a work VISA instead of a fiance VISA so he can figure out if he likes it in the states so he has to pay his own way, you could actually date him instead of having "vacations" with him that are not really reality/real life.  I wouldn't rush to marry a guy you have always been long distance with.

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, Atlguy said:

I don't have any specific advice, but I am in a similar situation.  She arrives here in June  from Ukraine and we have 90 days to get married.  I am having some second thoughts.  Good news/bad news is I can send her back

She's not a parcel! If you're having second thoughts then trust your instincts and don't go through with it. Potentially she has much to gain from marrying a US citizen while you have much to lose. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/24/2021 at 2:10 PM, Elm12345 said:

. He will be moving here permanently next month 

He can go back at any time if he's homesick, unhappy, can't find work, changes his mind, things don't work out, etc.etc.etc.

He's not a prisoner who'll be detained in the US. He can leave anytime he wants to.

Slow your roll. He even told you "he doesn't know what the future holds". Listen. And stop picking out wedding cake, baby names and your dream house. 

[dias]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I moved abroad myself a few years ago now, and it's a huge process and change on nearly every level.

But you are doing great, you have already adopted the Mediterranean humour 🙂

[LaHermes]

7 hours ago, abitbroken said:

What about seeing if he can apply for a work VISA instead of a fiance VISA so he can figure out if he likes it in the states so he has to pay his own way, you could actually date him instead of having "vacations" with him that are not really reality/real life.  I wouldn't rush to marry a guy you have always been long distance with.

I fully agree with what Abit has said.  I was going to ask exactly the same thing. 

What do you think OP?

[Atlguy]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

She's not a parcel! If you're having second thoughts then trust your instincts and don't go through with it. Potentially she has much to gain from marrying a US citizen while you have much to lose. 

Never said she was.  Just protecting myself is all.  I'm confident or she wouldn't be coming here.  But yes, I have a lot to lose.  She's giving up her country, but I'm responsible for her, so yes I have more to lose.  My instincts still say this is the right thing, but my instincts haven't always steered me right.  Thats an internal issue I have to work out.

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, dias said:

There is no better test than this to see a person's personality and abilities. 

10 years? that much? something does not make sense. 10 years? 

I checked...when you sponsor a to be spouse or family member, etc, you are obligated for 10 years even after divorce, unless they die, become an American citizen, worked and paid into social security for 10 years, leaves the country, or gets deported. If they collect government benefits/and support, the agency can go after you to pay it back. If you get sued, you will be responsible for any of their legal fees.

Most are not aware of this so they just end up leaving and go at it on their own or go back to their country.

[LaHermes]

It would be nice if the OP (Elm) came back with some responses to the posts. 

[Andrina]

On 4/26/2021 at 3:33 PM, Atlguy said:

The government rarely goes after that money.

You're really naive on that. Here's one instance I easily found from 2016. I'm sure it's not the only one:  

In The Case Of Zhu v. Deng, for example, the North Carolina Supreme Court noted that nothing in the law, regulations, or even the USCIS forms suggests such a duty. Thus, drawing also on similar past cases, it held that there's no duty to mitigate damages in I-864 cases.

Courts Haven't Sympathized With Petitioner Where Immigrant Is Living Off Someone Else's Money

U.S. sponsors have brought lawsuits about the unfairness of being forced to shell out money to someone who is doing fine living with a new romantic partner, a relation, or someone else. So far, that hasn't worked.

The federal Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals addressed a situation like this, where a U.S. citizen husband (a well-to-do real estate agent), sued because his former wife had moved in with her adult son, who was supporting her at a level above the poverty line. (The case is Erler v. Erler, 2016 U.S. App. LEXIS 10361 (9th Cir. June 8, 2016).)

The court ruled that the son’s support made no difference. Because of the Form I-864 contract, Mr. Erler still needed to continue supporting his ex-wife based solely on her income level—and she herself was earning nothing at all.

The court’s reasoning was actually one of fairness to the U.S. citizen petitioner. The court said, “in signing the affidavit of support, Yashar agreed to support only Ayla, not Ayla and anyone else with whom she might choose to live. “

Drawing this line and looking solely at how much income the immigrant ex-spouse brings in cuts both ways, however. In fact, the court mentioned, “We recognize that our approach will sometimes lead to imperfect outcomes.”

[LotusBlack]

On 4/26/2021 at 8:33 PM, Atlguy said:

My fiancee would never be on Welfare, Section 8 housing, and food stamps.  She's too smart for that.

I’m sorry, but this is an ignorant thing to think/assume/say. Circumstances are sometimes outside of your control and no amount of intelligence can always change that. This pandemic is a great example of that. I’m 34, have a Masters degree from Cambridge, a ton of international work experience in a number of fields. I’m highly employable and have a good CV, but I  can’t even secure myself an interview during these times. I live abroad and have not been where I am long enough to receive permanent residency and am obviously not a citizen, so I have no rights to any kind of assistance in this country, even due to financial hardship caused by the pandemic. I don’t even get help for my 14 month old son who was born here. My husband, who is also not a permanent resident here, has to provide for our son and I for the time being and it sucks. Sh*t happens sometimes and to think otherwise is ignorant.

[abitbroken]

On 4/26/2021 at 3:33 PM, Atlguy said:

10 years if they go on welfare during that period.  The government rarely goes after that money.  Thats especially unlikely in this administration.  Don't let it scare you too much.  I'm doing the same thing.  My fiancee would never be on Welfare, Section 8 housing, and food stamps.  She's too smart for that.

Dude, if you dumped her and she was unable to find work because she doesn't have child care, there is a language barrier, or just the luck of the draw, she has nowhere to go. Its not like she can just move back in with mom and dad who can watch the kid while she works.  Because they are in another country. She may have to temporarily get housing or at least be on Food Stamps if she is unable to secure enough work.  It has nothing to do with being smart.  

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, abitbroken said:

Dude, if you dumped her and she was unable to find work because she doesn't have child care, there is a language barrier, or just the luck of the draw, she has nowhere to go. Its not like she can just move back in with mom and dad who can watch the kid while she works.  Because they are in another country. She may have to temporarily get housing or at least be on Food Stamps if she is unable to secure enough work.  It has nothing to do with being smart.  

Exactly. The things I can apply for are slim pickings. I can only do work that allows me to have my son at home with me because childcare is not an option right now and our families are in other countries. Nothing to do with being smart. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Atlguy said:

.  She's giving up her country, but I'm responsible for her, so yes I have more to lose.  

Isn't this your thread about all that?: