Caught partner on dating website

[Lambert]

This is an awful time and I'm sorry for how bad you're feeling. 

But one of the things to keep reminding yourself,  if not now, when? 

One of the most beneficial things you can do to improve your life is to learn to sit with yourself,  your feelings,  your pain.  Learn to soothe yourself and NOT seek outside validation and soothing. Do not allow yourself to give that power to someone else.

How do you do this? Practice! Every time you feel weak, lonely, like you want to listen to him, talk to him, forgive him. You become the parent to yourself and you say NO! You go talk a walk, call a friend, scrub the kitchen floor, turn the music up loud and dance around.... Anything but him or another bad vice. 

It's on you, girlfriend. You! You have to do it. ❤

keep posting and venting.... this will pass if you let it 

[boltnrun]

Have your locks changed today or add an additional lock. I added an additional lock and it prevented a man who had been living with me from coming in. I presume you have provided him with a key, which is why you must get a new lock. A locksmith can add a deadbolt or do what I did and just change out the doorknob locks. It cost very little but it brought me so much peace.

Make sure he can't get inside your home or your vehicle.

Can you ask someone to stay with you for a few days to help you stay strong? 

[Hannah81]

16 hours ago, Lambert said:

This is an awful time and I'm sorry for how bad you're feeling. 

But one of the things to keep reminding yourself,  if not now, when? 

One of the most beneficial things you can do to improve your life is to learn to sit with yourself,  your feelings,  your pain.  Learn to soothe yourself and NOT seek outside validation and soothing. Do not allow yourself to give that power to someone else.

How do you do this? Practice! Every time you feel weak, lonely, like you want to listen to him, talk to him, forgive him. You become the parent to yourself and you say NO! You go talk a walk, call a friend, scrub the kitchen floor, turn the music up loud and dance around.... Anything but him or another bad vice. 

It's on you, girlfriend. You! You have to do it. ❤

keep posting and venting.... this will pass if you let it 

Thank you much for all the support I am actually overwhelmed I didn’t know how much this would help. 
 

I’m trying to keep as busy as possible but still have that horrible sick longing feeling!!! I’m just taking it day by day he hasn’t tried to contact me yet but I know he will and I have to stay strong!!  
 

I have had a look into counselling today about the physical and mental abuse I have been through the last 7 years so I hope this also helps x

[Hannah81]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Have your locks changed today or add an additional lock. I added an additional lock and it prevented a man who had been living with me from coming in. I presume you have provided him with a key, which is why you must get a new lock. A locksmith can add a deadbolt or do what I did and just change out the doorknob locks. It cost very little but it brought me so much peace.

Make sure he can't get inside your home or your vehicle.

Can you ask someone to stay with you for a few days to help you stay strong? 

I rent my property so will need to ask the landlord about changing the locks. 
 

i haven’t really got anyone to ask to stay with me as a lot of my friends have children. I will have to try and keep myself busy this weekend as I think this is the time he will call or turn up I think he’s thinking if he gives me time out I will go back to him 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

 he hasn’t tried to contact me yet but I know he will .

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

Thank you much for all the support I am actually overwhelmed I didn’t know how much this would help. 
 

I’m trying to keep as busy as possible but still have that horrible sick longing feeling!!! I’m just taking it day by day he hasn’t tried to contact me yet but I know he will and I have to stay strong!!  
 

I have had a look into counselling today about the physical and mental abuse I have been through the last 7 years so I hope this also helps x

One day at a time. That's all you can do. Try to practice being in the moment... not in the past, not in the future.

I've been there. We all have. that longing feeling.... you have to ride it out. as long as it takes. eventually you will. 

I have old boyfriends I still think about. I think we all do. It's normal and it doesn't mean anything. I have old friends, teachers, bosses coaches, bus drivers, random instances I think of, too.  Does that mean I long to take the bus?😉

It's the narrative or the significance we attach to some things..  that our egos like to tell us we need or we're not good enough.  Just like our looks, jobs, material things.... we believe this stuff matters because that's what we keep telling ourselves. 

but if you spend more time trying to listen to that voice behind your ego. The one that knows you're special.  The voice that knows you're meant for good things. The one that knows you can have or be whatever you choose.  you'll see you are enough, you have enough,  everything is OK.

But! you have to get yourself away from the people and things that ultimately don't make you ok. It's not just going to happen like a fairy God Mother.  that would be nice though. 🙂

 

[Batya33]

On 2/23/2021 at 5:19 PM, Hannah81 said:

Yes he does but doesn’t earn very much where as I do earn quite a lot 

So - how is it your responsibility to him to give him financial support?  And if you "failed" to stay away from him what actions can you take this time to react to your feelings -of love or fear or just not being motivated -by making a different choice? Are you that afraid of being alone that you settle for scraps and pay for those scraps?  You can choose not to fail.  when you're too tired to go to work do you say "oh well back to bed, I failed!" or do you go to work even though you're tired and unmotivated?

[smackie9]

There should be support groups available on line for women that have been in abusive situations. I think just talking and sharing your experience with those who are going through the same thing, you will be able to relate and find comfort, along with talking to a professional.

[Hannah81]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

There should be support groups available on line for women that have been in abusive situations. I think just talking and sharing your experience with those who are going through the same thing, you will be able to relate and find comfort, along with talking to a professional.

Thank you. I have tried to look online but have been unsuccessful in finding support groups for this but will keep trying. 

[Hollyj]

https://www.meetup.com/topics/emotional-abuse/us/ny/new_york/

https://m.facebook.com/groups/1820181614692155/

http://www.ashleighspatienceproject.com/abuse-types-and-cycle-wheel.html

There are tons of support groups in the US.  What country are you in.  

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

I rent my property so will need to ask the landlord about changing the locks. 
 

i haven’t really got anyone to ask to stay with me as a lot of my friends have children. I will have to try and keep myself busy this weekend as I think this is the time he will call or turn up I think he’s thinking if he gives me time out I will go back to him 

You don't have to ask your landlord. You just have to provide them with copies of the keys, which you can easily get. Don't allow yourself to use that as an excuse to not keep him out of your home.

Same with calls and messages. He can't contact you unless you allow it. You can block him.

Is a part of you hoping he tries to see or contact you? Do you "miss" him? Are you romanticizing the relationship and minimizing the bad times? You have to recognize that is a result of the abuse, not a sign of "love".

If you really want to be free of the abuse and mistreatment, you will stop making excuses and act. I hope you choose to stay away.

[DancingFool]

If you truly want to get rid of him, then block all contact. Right now. Just do it. I don't care how hard that feels, how final it feels - treat it like kicking a drug habit. You have to quit this cold turkey. He cannot contact you and suck you back in if you block him from reaching you.

If you think he'll show up at your house, yes change the locks today and contact your landlord and just give them a copy of the new keys. Trust me when I say that your landlord wants you safe and will not mind so long as you inform them and provide a new set asap.

Also, yes do lean on your friends and fam for help. If you really think he'll show up this weekend, then be gone (even though you changed the locks so he cannot get in). Stay with your friends, stay with fam - be honest with them that you need their help and stop making excuses that "gosh they are just too busy with kids and so on." Your friends would be horrified and heart broken to find out that you put up with a psycho because you won't ask for help.

[boltnrun]

And BTW, no one has said it will be "easy". Giving birth isn't easy either. But the results are well worth it.

[Hollyj]

12 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

I rent my property so will need to ask the landlord about changing the locks. 
 

i haven’t really got anyone to ask to stay with me as a lot of my friends have children. I will have to try and keep myself busy this weekend as I think this is the time he will call or turn up I think he’s thinking if he gives me time out I will go back to him 

Why haven’t you blocked him! 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

I will have to try and keep myself busy this weekend as I think this is the time he will call or turn up I think he’s thinking if he gives me time out I will go back to him 

Unfortunately, it sounds like that's precisely what you hope for.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you really think he'll show up this weekend, then be gone (even though you changed the locks so he cannot get in).

Yes!!!

[Hannah81]

3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

https://www.meetup.com/topics/emotional-abuse/us/ny/new_york/

https://m.facebook.com/groups/1820181614692155/

http://www.ashleighspatienceproject.com/abuse-types-and-cycle-wheel.html

There are tons of support groups in the US.  What country are you in.  

I’m in the UK but I’m sure I can still join 

thank you so much I will have a look x 

[Hannah81]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it sounds like that's precisely what you hope for.

Noooo it’s making it so much easier not hearing from him I feel stronger the longer he doesn’t contact me 

[Hannah81]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You don't have to ask your landlord. You just have to provide them with copies of the keys, which you can easily get. Don't allow yourself to use that as an excuse to not keep him out of your home.

Same with calls and messages. He can't contact you unless you allow it. You can block him.

Is a part of you hoping he tries to see or contact you? Do you "miss" him? Are you romanticizing the relationship and minimizing the bad times? You have to recognize that is a result of the abuse, not a sign of "love".

If you really want to be free of the abuse and mistreatment, you will stop making excuses and act. I hope you choose to stay away.

Yes true I will get a quote for this and just hope it’s not too expensive. 
 

If I’m honest it’s easier not to hear from him but in a way it’s hard to know he’s not fighting for me after 7 years but I don’t actually want him too 🤷🏻‍♀️ God I sound messed up ☹️ He’s a emotional abuser so I’m guessing this is the way he wants me to feel and it’s ***!!! 
 

I do keep thinking of the good times but they are far between the bad so I stay away from the good and think of the bad as they take over anyway. 

 

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, Hannah81 said:

If I’m honest it’s easier not to hear from him but in a way it’s hard to know he’s not fighting for me after 7 years but I don’t actually want him too

You gotta get out of this. It's no way to live.

[Hannah81]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you truly want to get rid of him, then block all contact. Right now. Just do it. I don't care how hard that feels, how final it feels - treat it like kicking a drug habit. You have to quit this cold turkey. He cannot contact you and suck you back in if you block him from reaching you.

If you think he'll show up at your house, yes change the locks today and contact your landlord and just give them a copy of the new keys. Trust me when I say that your landlord wants you safe and will not mind so long as you inform them and provide a new set asap.

Also, yes do lean on your friends and fam for help. If you really think he'll show up this weekend, then be gone (even though you changed the locks so he cannot get in). Stay with your friends, stay with fam - be honest with them that you need their help and stop making excuses that "gosh they are just too busy with kids and so on." Your friends would be horrified and heart broken to find out that you put up with a psycho because you won't ask for help.

I have blocked him...
 

It’s hard for me as I don’t usually ask anyone for help. I know they would help but also have to think of lockdown and can I stay anywhere I will have a think and see who I can ask as it would be so much better to be with someone this weekend

[Hannah81]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

You gotta get out of this. It's no way to live.

I know 😞

[boltnrun]

A new locking doorknob should cost you less than $20 US (not sure how much that is in UK currency) at a Home Depot type store. Also, you can have a handyman install them for you for not much money. You did mention you make good money so that should be easy. Plus, how much is your peace of mind worth? 

 

[Capricorn3]

15 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

I’m trying to keep as busy as possible but still have that horrible sick longing feeling!!! I’m just taking it day by day he hasn’t tried to contact me yet but I know he will and I have to stay strong!!  

How can he contact you if you have blocked him?? 😕

[Hollyj]

5 hours ago, Hannah81 said:

I’m in the UK but I’m sure I can still join 

thank you so much I will have a look x 

It took me two seconds to find that stuff.  I am certain the the UK has as many options.  You have to want to help yourself, don’t you think it’s time?