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I just found out the girl I’m talking to is talking to other guys


Turtleman12

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So me 21M and this girl 20F are both from same town, and go to college 6 hours away. We started talking over holiday, and hit it off really good. Quickly started texting/snapchatting all night, and hung out a few times. We agreed to stay in touch. We go back to school, and she is asking me frequently to come visit her, especially texting me about it when she’s drunk. I said screw it and made the hike down there. The weekend was amazing. We talked and talked, hooked up a lot, she even told me “I was excited to have sex with you again and all but I was more excited just to see you”. We agreed to hang out this summer a lot. Well I get back to my school after the weekend, and already we are talking way less than we were before. And then today she casually mentioned her “valentine” got her a present.

There has been no talks of exclusivity, and we’ve only been talking for around 2 months at this point so it doesn’t make sense to do so. But summer is so far away and I know for a fact she’s talking to other guys (I know a lot of people do and I’m not mad about it but I’m not really wired that way). Basically I’m worried our spark is gonna die out by summer and I don’t know what there is to do about it. Any advice appreciated. Kinda sucks because I’m really into her but I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to tell her how I feel and keep this up for like another 4 months, especially since we’ve only been talking for 2 months

 

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10 minutes ago, Turtleman12 said:

The weekend was amazing. We talked and talked, hooked up a lot, she even told me “I was excited to have sex with you again and all but I was more excited just to see you”.

. And then today she casually mentioned her “valentine” got her a present.

Sounds like she's playing a few guys at the same time.  I wonder if her "valentine" knows she was having sex with you and seeing you?  Either way, at barely 2 months in,  I'd cut my losses.

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12 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sounds like she's playing a few guys at the same time.  I wonder if her "valentine" knows she was having sex with you and seeing you?  Either way, at barely 2 months in,  I'd cut my losses.

I met a lot of her friends (guy friends too) when I visited, and got no impression that there was another guy. I’m just kind of at a loss here because her friends sat me down without her and gave me the talk about how much they all love her and how I better treat her good, her friends and her invited me back a different weekend, and she was super open with me all weekend and even bought me a nice gift to thank me for coming down. But if shes involved with some other guy too I think you might be right.

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Stop right now.. don't talk to her anymore.  Move on while you are not too deep. The more you go, the more you will hurt. There are plenty of women out there that will give you a better chance.. don't waste time when you already know for sure she has someone else!!

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4 minutes ago, Turtleman12 said:

I met a lot of her friends (guy friends too) when I visited, and got no impression that there was another guy. I’m just kind of at a loss here because her friends sat me down without her and gave me the talk about how much they all love her and how I better treat her good, her friends and her invited me back a different weekend, and she was super open with me all weekend and even bought me a nice gift to thank me for coming down. But if shes involved with some other guy too I think you might be right.

Well, the only other scenario is that she's lying to you about the "valentine".  Maybe she was losing interest and was trying to let you down easy.  Who knows what's going on, but when you put it all together and red flags start flying all over the place, at this early stage, again, I'd cut my losses.

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Well whether you continue with this girl or not probably depends on what you're looking for. If you can only see her once every six months or so then can it really be a relationship? It's not really possible to have a relationship with someone you hardly see in person. If you just want a hookup every few months then you can continue talking to her. I think she's talking to other guys because she thinks you're too far away and she doesn't want an actual relationship with you. She probably does like you but she wants a boyfriend where she lives. And she enjoyed having sex with you but she's not in love with you or anything. I think her deliberately telling you she has a valentine and so on means she doesn't take you that seriously. So it's up to you what you want from her. You could date other girls too and if you're still single in a few months, you can just hook up with her.

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So you really have no idea if he is talking to other guys, hooking up with other guys or anything at all.  All you have is her mentioning her valentine.  Like you said no promise of exclusivity and this is pretty new so what is the problem?

If you aren't wired for dating someone casually then tell her that.  No pressure on her to change who she is, just let her know you really like hanging out with her but you don't know how you feel about just a casual thing.  See what she says.  Ending this with out even knowing the context and you jumping to some conclusions is silly and will leave you wondering for a long time.

She may in fact be dating and having sex with multiple guys but you don't know that do you?

Lost

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The excitement was all there for a good while.. until you finally went there to her.

Now it's calmed down a little.

If she hasn't spoken of you two being exclusive by now (after 2 mos), then maybe you were just a fwb?

To know for sure, maybe talk to her about this?

If she doesn't say much, let it go.. move on.  Don't waste your energy on someone who isn't all into you.

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15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So you really have no idea if he is talking to other guys, hooking up with other guys or anything at all.  All you have is her mentioning her valentine.  Like you said no promise of exclusivity and this is pretty new so what is the problem?

If you aren't wired for dating someone casually then tell her that.  No pressure on her to change who she is, just let her know you really like hanging out with her but you don't know how you feel about just a casual thing.  See what she says.  Ending this with out even knowing the context and you jumping to some conclusions is silly and will leave you wondering for a long time.

She may in fact be dating and having sex with multiple guys but you don't know that do you?

Lost

I like your post I think I was a little riled up about the whole thing and this helped ground me a little bit. Still, just the fact that she felt the need to tell me about some guy buying something nice for her on Valentine’s Day is kind of unsettling to me and makes me question if I’ve been looking at the past couple months differently than how she has been looking at it. How do u recommend I approach this conversation?

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5 minutes ago, Turtleman12 said:

I like your post I think I was a little riled up about the whole thing and this helped ground me a little bit. Still, just the fact that she felt the need to tell me about some guy buying something nice for her on Valentine’s Day is kind of unsettling to me and makes me question if I’ve been looking at the past couple months differently than how she has been looking at it. How do u recommend I approach this conversation?

Well do you want her to be your girlfriend? If yes then maybe tell her that? Say you really like her and you would prefer it if you both didn't see other people. Then see what she says.

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It takes two to tango. The biggest requirement from someone if you're interested in long term is communication. If you don't feel comfortable with each other to just talk about what you want and it's casual, it's awkward bringing up anything more serious. 

My thoughts on this are she's just learning about her independence and sexuality, enjoying being out and the company of others. She either doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship or she doesn't know how to be in one. Even if you're dating other people, it's a bit crass bringing up other partners or 'valentines'. No one needs to know the details and putting that info out there just begs more questions than it offers answers which can be a bit rude and immature if she's interested in you long term. 

If you don't get a good feeling around her, how can you think of spending more time with this person? One step at a time. If you like, spend more time on actual dates (not just sleepovers) and see whether you get along as people. Do other things together, go out, talk, laugh, enjoy. Let us know how it goes. 

 

 

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Even if not exclusive, if I was really into a guy, I'd never risk turning him off or having him walk away by mentioning another love interest. That plus communication waning versus even staying the same shows she's just not that into you.

LDRs are hard enough for established couples who started off local but had to move because of careers or education. But when they start that way, it's extremely rare that it'll work out, especially for someone like her who is okay having multiple sex partners (assuming that, reading between the lines). She seems to be a pretty, popular girl and if you asked her now to become exclusive and you get together maybe 4 times a year, do you really think she's the type who can make that commitment? 

You'd be spending a lot of money regularly commuting and getting a hotel for a high risk to your heart. Aren't there cute local girls you could date? Social media makes a large world smaller, and gives you a false sense of possibilities, but the logistics are often unrealistic. You can see who a person really is sooner, and more realistically, when you see them regularly in 3D. You've been investing time in a fantasy that was a lot prettier than reality.

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13 hours ago, Turtleman12 said:

There has been no talks of exclusivity, and we’ve only been talking for around 2 months at this point so it doesn’t make sense to do so.

If you want to be exclusive with her, then it does make sense to talk about exclusivity. Otherwise, it makes no sense to get stressed out that she's talking to other guys. She has a right to do so, and in fact should do so. She's single. 

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18 hours ago, Turtleman12 said:

And then today she casually mentioned her “valentine” got her a present.

I'd ask her what she wanted me to say about that.

Based on her reaction to the question, you could decide whether she's trying to goad you to move the talk toward exclusivity, or whether she's just trying to feed her own ego.

Either way, I wouldn't let it pass. I'd tell her that I found the val-dropping to be manipulative, and I'd like for her to tell me what she hoped to accomplish by saying that to me.

She sounds like someone from whom I'd probably want to walk away.

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23 hours ago, Turtleman12 said:

I like your post I think I was a little riled up about the whole thing and this helped ground me a little bit. Still, just the fact that she felt the need to tell me about some guy buying something nice for her on Valentine’s Day is kind of unsettling to me and makes me question if I’ve been looking at the past couple months differently than how she has been looking at it. How do u recommend I approach this conversation?

You should approach this like any other dating situation where two people don't know what each other are thinking.  Actually you haven't told us what you are hoping for with her.  Relationship?  Casual dating when you have time but exclusive?  FWB?  Once you know what you want then you will be in a position to have a conversation with her. 

This valentines gift could be a real person or could be her trying to get in your head which apparently it did.  After all you both are young and this has young person drama all over it.

Next time you talk to her and I mean talk, do not text this. Tell her you really like hanging out with her and have fun with her blah blah blah.  Use your own words and see how serious she wants this thing to go.  

Until you think the time is right to have a convo with her about this just keep dating and enjoying her company.  Let it happen naturally, if the timing is right and she is interested in more than casual you should be able to tell.

You do need to drop the possessiveness thing you jumped to.  She isn't yours and it is not attractive...

Lost

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