Dated for 6 months during covid but broke up as soon as we met up unmasked

[pyrobus]

I've been trying so hard to find advice or anyone to relate to but this whole experience feels so strange and unexpected given covid, especially since this was my first 'relationship' and breakup. 

We matched in Tinder in July and did a few virtual dates and realized we were having fun. Then met up in person outdoors for a few times with our masks on. It was slow and we met one every two weeks but eventually it was three months and I realized she was committed enough to continue. We were both innocent nerds so kept it pg-13 at all times. I would say sweet flirty things here and there and that was it. Eventually, we started meeting up more often in person, but for shorter periods, like going for a walk for an hour or less. She was really worried about covid. Not me. 

4.5 months in, I told her thought about her every day and had a massive crush on her and would be willing to take extra precautions so I could see her without a mask on and get intimate with her. She even talked to her parents about me and agreed and seemed excited. The fact she took a huge risk in doing made me feel like she really liked me at the moment. A couple weeks later, she finally came over to my place. We kissed and watched an episode of seinfeld, but left right after. I got a little upset and texted her if she wanted to stay over for the night because it seemed really short and she said she wasn't ready for that, which I was fine it. The next time she came over for an hour and I told her I was really nervous the last time and never got to relax. I told her I wanted a relationship and wanted to to call her my girlfriend and saw a future with us after covid. I just wanted to make sure I she knew my intentions. We are both 25. She's been in a relationship before. 

A month later she broke up with me saying, "she doesn't feel the same way". I don't know what she meant by that. After 6 months of dating, we had two hours barely of regular non-covid time together. 6 months was a long time for both of us and I felt like she ended it so suddenly. I'm not sure what I did to change her opinion of me. I'm not sure if she never liked me or if she changed her mind. Maybe all it took was a kiss. She kept saying "I don't know why". But she felt strongly enough to end it. I was so shocked by that because for the first time I felt confident enough about us to express myself. 

And now I keep either blaming her for not giving this enough chance after 6 months and only 2 hours of real time together, but I blame myself more for saying "relationship" and "future" for the same reason. I can't get this out of my head. It was not fair to me to wait for so long only to get 2 hours and then its over. I'm not sure what I did during those 2 hours for her to make this decision. She was really nice all the way through and even during the breakup. Maybe she really didn't know, maybe she did. I still feel it was unfair to do this after so little real time after so long of getting to know each other. If she felt there would be no chemistry, it would have been over earlier. I'm in so much pain and regret I don't even know what to feel. 

It's so hard knowing we dated for 6 months without getting to the next step and never even got a chance to imo. Maybe she felt like those 2 hours were enough. Maybe I pushed it too far too early and forced her into a position where she had to make up her mind. I genuinely was nervous when she came over. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, pyrobus said:

A couple weeks later, she finally came over to my place. We kissed and watched an episode of seinfeld, but left right after. I got a little upset and asked her if she wanted to stay over for the night because it seemed really short and she said she wasn't ready for that, which I was fine it. The next time she came over for an hour and I told her I was really nervous the last time and never got to relax.

Sorry to hear this. Try not to take it personally. It sounds like she's not ready for sex.

[pyrobus]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Try not to take it personally. It sounds like she's not ready for sex.

I told her thats ok. But pretty sure she's had sex before. 

[Rose Mosse]

I am sorry to hear this. What were the vibes like when you were spending time in person together? She might have liked the company and there was chemistry to begin with but it fizzled out. This happens a lot with dating when you eventually find out you aren't that attracted to someone. 

You mentioned that you were both "innocent nerds" yet she's been in a relationship before. It doesn't matter whether she's a virgin or not. If someone doesn't feel the same way, it means that that person is not into you the same way/not attracted to you. It's not going to happen. She just didn't want to go any further and felt uncomfortable spending more time with you. 

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Take a short break and see what else is out there. 

 

[pyrobus]

The worst part is waiting for so long for real moment cuz I knew this was happen if we never met up like normal. And the moment it happened, she ends it a month later. I really wanted to hang out like normal so bad and felt like we waiting for so long. 

[DancingFool]

I think that had you been dating normally, this wouldn't have gone past 1-3 dates. She simply wasn't feeling the chemistry to continue and taking off the masks, seeing each other fully, kissing did nothing more than cement that for her. She might have liked you otherwise, but without chemistry, there is no romantic relationship. I don't think you actually did anything wrong or could have done anything different. The biggest thing was that covid made this drag out way way longer as you really couldn't date properly and therefore judge properly in a more timely manner.

Also, please get away from the "she owes me..." mentality. Nobody owes you anything, not even 1 minute of their time. When someone is certain that you are not right for them, be grateful that they were decisive and honest with you and ended things politely instead of using you for attention and stringing you along for another 6 months or a year or more.

[pyrobus]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I am sorry to hear this. What were the vibes like when you were spending time in person together? She might have liked the company and there was chemistry to begin with but it fizzled out. This happens a lot with dating when you eventually find out you aren't that attracted to someone. 

You mentioned that you were both "innocent nerds" yet she's been in a relationship before. It doesn't matter whether she's a virgin or not. If someone doesn't feel the same way, it means that that person is not into you the same way/not attracted to you. It's not going to happen. She just didn't want to go any further and felt uncomfortable spending more time with you. 

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Take a short break and see what else is out there. 

 

She was always excited to see me. Things were going well before we met up without masks. We did hang out outdoors with masks before and I felt she would have felt like there were no chemistry then? I don't know. And I realize she doesn't owe me anything. It's just shocking still cuz it felt we were so close to having a real normal date. 

[Rose Mosse]

It's disappointing. But this also means new adventures? It might not seem like it now but this might be a very good thing. Considering Covid and restrictions, this back and forth might have gone on for awhile longer. 

The plus side is that you had the courage to move it to the next level, you found out something not so in your favour but you did ultimately get an answer that is really quite awesome too. It frees you up to meet people now who are far more on your wavelength. 

 

[boltnrun]

50 minutes ago, pyrobus said:

I got a little upset and texted her if she wanted to stay over for the night because it seemed really short and she said she wasn't ready for that, which I was fine it.

Maybe she felt pressured.  

How do you mean you "got a little upset"?  Did you express to her that you were upset?  And why text her to ask about staying overnight?  It seems an important discussion like that shouldn't be done over text.

[pyrobus]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe she felt pressured.  

How do you mean you "got a little upset"?  Did you express to her that you were upset?  And why text her to ask about staying overnight?  It seems an important discussion like that shouldn't be done over text.

I feel terrible over it. I told her I don't mind taking things slow after, in fact I liked it and did not at all want to pressure her. I just wanted to spend more time with her and I didn't know how else to do it given she had to leave by 8. I feel like I messed up so hard. But she only dumped me a month after. It was christmas break and we didn't communicate much during that time cuz I wanted to give her space. On new years, she said "hope next year is easier on us". We exchanged christmas presents AFTER meeting up in person and me asking her to stay the night so I assumed everything seemed fine. I can't stop feeling guilt and regret. 

[Hollyj]

Doesn't sound like she is ready for a real relationship with anyone.   

[Hollyj]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe she felt pressured.  

How do you mean you "got a little upset"?  Did you express to her that you were upset?  And why text her to ask about staying overnight?  It seems an important discussion like that shouldn't be done over text.

Too much too soon.

[DancingFool]

You had two real dates, even if you feel they were short. Everything leading up to that was....well....covid weirdness. Since you spent so much time talking and connecting with each other prior to those dates.....it feels like you had more of a connection and like you lost a whole relationship. You kind of did and yet kind of didn't. Anyway, you didn't do anything wrong so stop blaming yourself.

If there is one thing to take away from this is that you should avoid spending a lot of time in limbo before meeting up properly. If meeting up properly isn't an option within reasonable time, put dating on pause for the time being. Once things get back to normal, normal dating will return too. Don't invest so much of your time in the lead up because, as you can see, it doesn't pay dividends. You developed a friendship, you got to know each other well, you enjoyed hanging out distantly, but when it came to real dates, it was all for naught because ....chemistry. Like I said, during normal times, this wouldn't have gone past a date or two and in a way....didn't.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, pyrobus said:

I feel terrible over it. I told her I don't mind taking things slow after, in fact I liked it and did not at all want to pressure her. I just wanted to spend more time with her and I didn't know how else to do it given she had to leave by 8. I feel like I messed up so hard. But she only dumped me a month after. It was christmas break and we didn't communicate much during that time cuz I wanted to give her space. On new years, she said "hope next year is easier on us". We exchanged christmas presents AFTER meeting up in person and me asking her to stay the night so I assumed everything seemed fine. I can't stop feeling guilt and regret. 

But what did you say to her?  What does "a little upset" mean?   

[pyrobus]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But what did you say to her?  What does "a little upset" mean?   

I didn't show that. I felt it. We made a deal that I would quarantine and she would come over. She was over for less than 2 hours. So I texted her later saying, "I assumed you wanted to spend more time. Sorry if I'm being forward but would you be down to stay over? No worries if you can't. I just wanna spend some more time with you before the christmas break". 

[Capricorn3]

OP, she just wasn't feeling it.  No chemistry for her.  Don't beat yourself up and stop being so hard on yourself.   It wouldn't have worked out.  Stop feeling guilty. I understand you're hurting, but you need to let this go. 

[Tinydance]

Actually I basically had the same thing with a guy I met on online dating. I have a post about it if you're interested lol I was doing video calls and phone calls and playing virtual games with this guy. Everything seemed fine but then we had an in person date and he didn't seem interested or wanted to stay longer either. Even though he lives four hours away so he wasn't gonna see me again easily but he didn't want more time together. I was really disappointed because I thought everything was going well coz he saw me on video calls so he knew exactly what I looked like. And on the date I did my make-up and dressed really nice. 

I think what the problem is that thing people talk about called "spark" or "chemistry" and in a weird way we don't really know what that even is. Like, why do we feel it with some people but not others? Even if we have a lot in common with someone and they're nice and objectively attractive, but we just don't feel it. Chemistry is very important and that does mean physical chemistry. So maybe this girl did actually like you as a person from your video calls and walks, but when you kissed that physical and sexual attraction just wasn't there for her. That's why often people get "friend zoned". Because someone likes them as a person but they just don't like them romantically. I understand being annoyed that she didn't give more time to at least try to kiss etc. longer. I felt kind of annoyed that the guy I had a date with didn't want to stay longer either because he was only in town for a few days. But I guess if the person just knows they're not feeling it then they're not that pumped to stay longer. Maybe that was the case with this girl too.

I would recommend not dating during COVID unless you can take a step back and not get that invested. Dating is very hit and miss. Most people we try to date won't work out. I've been doing online dating on and off for 18 years and I've been on so many dates but never had a relationship from it. Normally you would go on in person dates and kiss reasonably fast and if it wasn't working out, it would end. With COVID everything drags out too long and it's very important not to inflate the situation and get too attached. 

Also I think you really put your eggs in one basket, so to speak. You spent six months on this one girl and I take it you weren't even talking to other women? You shouldn't do that, you should always keep your options open. If you just invest in only one person, you fall for them too fast and then end up with no other options. 

I actually don't think you did anything wrong by asking her to stay over or saying you're looking for a relationship. If she was really into you, she probably would have stayed over and said something like: "Great, I'm looking for a relationship too." The fact that it scared her means she wasn't feeling it. Someone that likes you and wants you wouldn't get scared off.

[pyrobus]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Actually I basically had the same thing with a guy I met on online dating. I have a post about it if you're interested lol I was doing video calls and phone calls and playing virtual games with this guy. Everything seemed fine but then we had an in person date and he didn't seem interested or wanted to stay longer either. Even though he lives four hours away so he wasn't gonna see me again easily but he didn't want more time together. I was really disappointed because I thought everything was going well coz he saw me on video calls so he knew exactly what I looked like. And on the date I did my make-up and dressed really nice. 

I think what the problem is that thing people talk about called "spark" or "chemistry" and in a weird way we don't really know what that even is. Like, why do we feel it with some people but not others? Even if we have a lot in common with someone and they're nice and objectively attractive, but we just don't feel it. Chemistry is very important and that does mean physical chemistry. So maybe this girl did actually like you as a person from your video calls and walks, but when you kissed that physical and sexual attraction just wasn't there for her. That's why often people get "friend zoned". Because someone likes them as a person but they just don't like them romantically. I understand being annoyed that she didn't give more time to at least try to kiss etc. longer. I felt kind of annoyed that the guy I had a date with didn't want to stay longer either because he was only in town for a few days. But I guess if the person just knows they're not feeling it then they're not that pumped to stay longer. Maybe that was the case with this girl too.

I would recommend not dating during COVID unless you can take a step back and not get that invested. Dating is very hit and miss. Most people we try to date won't work out. I've been doing online dating on and off for 18 years and I've been on so many dates but never had a relationship from it. Normally you would go on in person dates and kiss reasonably fast and if it wasn't working out, it would end. With COVID everything drags out too long and it's very important not to inflate the situation and get too attached. 

Also I think you really put your eggs in one basket, so to speak. You spent six months on this one girl and I take it you weren't even talking to other women? You shouldn't do that, you should always keep your options open. If you just invest in only one person, you fall for them too fast and then end up with no other options. 

I actually don't think you did anything wrong by asking her to stay over or saying you're looking for a relationship. If she was really into you, she probably would have stayed over and said something like: "Great, I'm looking for a relationship too." The fact that it scared her means she wasn't feeling it. Someone that likes you and wants you wouldn't get scared off.

Thank you so much. It still hurts thinking she didn't feel physical chemistry, but feels better knowing someone else went through the same thing. I took my mask off earlier so she knew what I looked like but I guess that wasn't enough 😞

[Wiseman2]

Even if one of your dates was getting tested together, some things just don't work out or turn into intimacy on the first or second date.

That's ok. Just keep talking to and meeting women. Get tested together so you can start having less distanced dates a bit sooner.

However don't set up, prepare or expect to pounce on the first or second indoor date.

[pyrobus]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even if one of your dates was getting tested together, some things just don't work out or turn into intimacy on the first or second date.

That's ok. Just keep talking to and meeting women. Get tested together so you can start having less distanced dates a bit sooner.

However don't set up, prepare or expect to pounce on the first or second indoor date.

Do you think I pushed her away? I was very apologetic sounding after asking her to stay over. I just said I wanted more time because I liked her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, pyrobus said:

Do you think I pushed her away? I was very apologetic sounding after asking her to stay over. I just said I wanted more time because I liked her. 

No you're good. This was just her thing. Just move forward.

[smackie9]

I think she got the vibe you were waaaay more into her than she was with you. That would make some feel uncomfortable and yes this happens a lot....there is nothing you can do about that. There was quite a bit emotional attachment, but no "chemistry", which happens when you do too much virtual. Dating during a pandemic is like walking through a mind field. Doesn't matter how carefully where you step. Dating and OLD is bad enough to begin with, then add in all these restrictions...you may as well not bother until all this crap is over with.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I think she got the vibe you were waaaay more into her than she was with you. That would make some feel uncomfortable and yes this happens a lot....there is nothing you can do about that. There was quite a bit emotional attachment, but no "chemistry", which happens when you do too much virtual. Dating during a pandemic is like walking through a mind field. Doesn't matter how carefully where you step. Dating and OLD is bad enough to begin with, then add in all these restrictions...you may as well not bother until all this crap is over with.

Online dating sucks anyway 😂

[catfeeder]

On 1/22/2021 at 2:27 PM, pyrobus said:

And now I keep either blaming her for not giving this enough chance after 6 months and only 2 hours of real time together, but I blame myself more

Why is blame even necessary? The right match for you will view you through the right lens, but that won't be most people. Those are just the natural odds. We can 'like' a lot of people, but when it comes to the kind if simpatico that makes a great match, she was likely hoping for that to happen with you, too.

When you think of friends, not everyone is a close and intimate friend--we just don't click that way with everyone. Well, with potential lovers, we only get to choose one, if we're monogamous, and so screening for the right match is even more important.

Finding love is not easy, it's rare. If it were not rare, what would be so special about it?

Hold out for the RIGHT match. Anyone who screens themselves out is not her.

[LootieTootie]

It happens.

Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it does click, but later it doesn't. Dating should be fun, but yea, it's also frustrating! 

Rejection is not fun but what I can tell you is that the more experiences you get from meeting and dating in the early stages, it will help you bounce back when disappointments happen. Just let this one roll off your back and keep searching/dating.