Weight gain and my relationship

[lunamoon]

I have had some recent trauma in my life that caused some serious issues with my mental health.  I’ve been put on antidepressants and in 3 months I managed to gain 25 pounds.  I went from model thin to 145 lbs.  I’ve tried different weight loss efforts over the last few months but have only managed to drop about 5 lbs of the weight.  My boyfriend says I am obese and we haven’t had sex in months.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m trying my hardest but can’t seem to lose the weight.  I don’t know if this is ok or not, advice please.

[Batya33]

I would see if you can do a medication change.  For the weight loss I've heard excellent things about weight watchers. As far as the boyfriend I mean he's entitled to feel what he feels and to feel turned off physically because of the weight gain but it's not ok for him to refer to you as "obese" unless you ask him -do you refer to him by his imperfections - like maybe his penis isn't that large, or his hair is thinning, etc? Typically it does take time to take weight off safely and where it can be maintained. I'm sorry he's acting in such an unsupportive way.  

[Seraphim]

Antidepressants are notorious for adding weight and making it hard to lose it. I would however swap out the boyfriend he doesn’t sound like a keeper. He sounds like Mr. whenever everything‘s perfect. 

[Hollyj]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Antidepressants are notorious for adding weight and making it hard to lose it. I would however swap out the boyfriend he doesn’t sound like a keeper. He sounds like Mr. whenever everything‘s perfect. 

I agree!!!!!!

[Lambert]

I agree with the others.  His comments are not supportive or helpful.  And you really need to think about if this is good enough for you long term. yes, physical attraction is important, but beauty fades. especially, due to a health reason, he should be more supportive.

A friend gained weight because she quit smoking and we were discussing. Her husband quickly chimed in, 'who cares about the weight. this is obviously the healthier choice'

I hope they can adjust your meds. But go with what helps you and your mental health.  Dump the guy. Thats an easy couple hundred lost right there. 

[boltnrun]

Do you feel this boyfriend is helping to improve your mental health? Or is he perhaps making it worse?

[lunamoon]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you feel this boyfriend is helping to improve your mental health? Or is he perhaps making it worse?

He does try to help but he doesn’t know how to in my language.  I need a more supportive and gentler approach.  

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, lunamoon said:

My boyfriend says I am obese and we haven’t had sex in months.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m trying my hardest but can’t seem to lose the weight.

Wow- how inconsiderate of someone like this!  😞 

My sis in law was put on some and she gained weight.. BUT my brother still loves her the way she is.. weight or not.. it's who you are!

Yes, I've experienced this.. as mentioned, maybe ask about a diff med.  There are many to try and tell your dr you don't want one where you end up gaining weight.

(not sure if it is due to water retention?)  yeah.. similar to when you hit menopause as well, lol.  :/ 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, lunamoon said:

He does try to help but he doesn’t know how to in my language.  I need a more supportive and gentler approach.  

I have a partner whose first language isn't English (which is mine) He speaks English quite well, though, and I speak his language at a pretty good level. Even so, I understand that word choice can be tricky and misunderstandings can arise from a language issue. 

However, your boyfriend can be more supportive and gentle regardless of his word choice. There are plenty of ways to express his love and care for you, and surely you and he both realize that. What you're describing here doesn't sound like simply a language-related matter. He sounds flat-out unsupportive and disengaged. Has he always been like this? Do you wonder if some of those mental health struggles come from a less-than-healthy relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lunamoon said:

He does try to help but he doesn’t know how to in my language.  I need a more supportive and gentler approach.  

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like a language barrier or 'just doesn't know how', it sounds like bullying 

Step back from this. Don't seek his support or approval. Reach out to trusted friends and family. 

Talk to your doctor and therapist about this. Reflect on whether you are happy or just settling.

[lunamoon]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have a partner whose first language isn't English (which is mine) He speaks English quite well, though, and I speak his language at a pretty good level. Even so, I understand that word choice can be tricky and misunderstandings can arise from a language issue. 

However, your boyfriend can be more supportive and gentle regardless of his word choice. There are plenty of ways to express his love and care for you, and surely you and he both realize that. What you're describing here doesn't sound like simply a language-related matter. He sounds flat-out unsupportive and disengaged. Has he always been like this? Do you wonder if some of those mental health struggles come from a less-than-healthy relationship? 

Sorry poor choice of words on my part.  I didn’t mean language barrier I meant love language.  I need a more gentle approach where he is more aggressive and blunt.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

.  I need a more gentle approach where he is more aggressive and blunt.  

He's just an abusive bully, that's all. There's no love language for that.

Surely you told him all this, no? And what happened? He does it even more, right?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, lunamoon said:

Sorry poor choice of words on my part.  I didn’t mean language barrier I meant love language.  I need a more gentle approach where he is more aggressive and blunt.  

Ah, ok. 

Then, really? There is no excuse for him speaking to you the way he does. 

You need a different boyfriend. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lunamoon said:

Sorry poor choice of words on my part.  I didn’t mean language barrier I meant love language.  I need a more gentle approach where he is more aggressive and blunt.  

oh please don't go there with the "love language" stuff -this is kindergarten basic common sense stuff -a person who cares about another person's feelings -friends, stranger, partner, will do his or her utmost to use words that are thoughtful and kind in a situation where the other person requires some type of assistance.  Likewise in kindergarten or earlier people learn "if you don't have something nice to say keep quiet".  My husband has put on weight during this pandemic.  I don't like it.  My main focus is his health.  And I don't know about this love language stuff.  I don't have to.  Because here's what I know about him -since I know him well lol.  He hates any nagging or anything like nagging about weight/food choices, etc.  He likes my input on his exercise -but mostly due to weather conditions or if he is not feeling up to it and ambivalent.  If he asks, I answer, and I answer with respect and thoughtfulness. Easy peasy.  My telling him what I notice about his weight would make no sense and risk offending him.  It's not thoughtful ergo I don't say it.  

Aggressive and blunt has its place.  I used that tone with a neighbor who decided it was ok to trap me in the elevator with her off leash dog and I was scared.  You don't "need" a gentler approach.  He "needs' to repeat that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught.

[bluecastle]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you wonder if some of those mental health struggles come from a less-than-healthy relationship? 

I'm sorry for what you're going through though, and would really give the above question some serious thought, reflection.

A caring person would be much more concerned with a partner's mental health, and ensuring that was stabilizing, than some weight gained. It's heartbreaking, I admit, to see you trying to rationalize his insensitivity and straight-up unkindness as him somehow trying to help or speaking a different "love language." Even if you find that pop-psych stuff helpful as a guide, do know that "vanity" and "selfishness" are not love languages.

He has shown you that you being "model thin" is much more important to him than you being of sound mind and spirit. That's the nuts and bolts here, and it's hard to imagine any person, in any scenario, in which those nuts and bolts help someone feel good, mentally and emotionally. 

[boltnrun]

What "love language" includes calling someone you're supposed to love "obese"?

A 25 pound weight gain did not make you obese. He said this to hurt you.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who deliberately says things to hurt you?

[tattoobunnie]

So instead of concern for your mental health, he calls you obese, and won't have sex with you.  Over 25 lbs?????  Um, so what happens if you ever get pregnant?  I guarantee you, you are probably still super duper hot.  I think your best plan is to lose 200 lbs - your awful, unsupportive, cruel, judgmental, self-absorbed "boyfriend"

Life is hard enough as is without the naysayers.  And btw, your weight gain isn't from either a pound of chips each day - you are on a trial and error for meds for your mental well-being.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  But definitely, drop that dude - he's no prize.

[lunamoon]

24 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I guarantee you, you are probably still super duper hot.

Thank you!!! Made my day 🙂  and you’re right it is super unsupportive but he has stuck with me through all my crazy while I adjusted to meds.  We have been together almost 3 years now.  We get along pretty well other than this topic.  I don’t mind my weight gain, I’m finally stable mentally but he hates the extra pounds.  

[lunamoon]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

He has shown you that you being "model thin" is much more important to him than you being of sound mind and spirit.

Yes, it’s so hurtful.  He does want me to be mentally healthy but also thin.  He says he isn’t proud of it but that’s just the way he feels 

[lunamoon]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My husband has put on weight during this pandemic.  I don't like it.

Does it make you less attracted to him? 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, lunamoon said:

Yes, it’s so hurtful.  He does want me to be mentally healthy but also thin.  He says he isn’t proud of it but that’s just the way he feels 

When you truly love someone, you love them for them. Not what their narcassistic viewpoint is how your weight is a reflection of him.  I don't care if he was there for you for 3 years - focus on how he presently treats you.  He's cruel.

I gained 70 lbs with my first kid, and my hubs has loved of me.  My hubs gained weight too, and I still think he's damn sexy.  And that is what you deserve.  Not a person who belittles you.

[lunamoon]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

I would see if you can do a medication change

 

Thank you for your reply.  As far as the medication change I have tried multiple drugs and I am finally on something that works.  It’s called abilify my doctor calls it “amplify” because it is known to cause weight gain...but it works really well. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

Thank you for your reply.  As far as the medication change I have tried multiple drugs and I am finally on something that works.  It’s called abilify my doctor calls it “amplify” because it is known to cause weight gain...but it works really well. 

I would not mess with medications that work simply to appease his superficial tastes. He's being obnoxious about it, don't even discuss this with him, walk out of the room, terminate the conversation.

This is His problem, not yours. Discuss his remarks with your therapist.

btw, Abilify is a particularly important medication for situations where the neurochemistry is not responding to typical mood stabilizers. You don't owe him anything because he 'stuck around' while you were going through medication regimens that weren't working.

[boltnrun]

He "sticks around" as long as you remain model thin.  Once you're just a bit overweight (25 pounds!!!) he calls you "obese" and stops having sex with you.

Does that sound like true love to you?

[bluecastle]

28 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

Yes, it’s so hurtful.  He does want me to be mentally healthy but also thin.  He says he isn’t proud of it but that’s just the way he feels 

Can I ask how long you've been together and how old you both are? 

I ask because I'm trying to understand this dynamic, or nudge things back to a question you haven't directly answered—namely, do you think this relationship might be contributing to very mental health issues you're now dealing with? 

Prior to everything you're talking about here, did you feel, for instance, a certain pressure to please or appease him? Did you ever feel that he was quick to judge you negatively? In your core, in quiet moments, were you pretty certain this relationship was good for you, or were there any quiet, simmering doubts and concerns?