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I feel like a total a hole and crazy.


celiamarie

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So, this is the first time that I decided to talk about what I've been battling internally on and off for months now. Just to keep it short I'm in a relationship with someone who is almost my equal. We get along, and we have a lot of the same interests, he is loved by family, by my child. But I don't know if my feelings are as strong for him as they once were when we first met 3 years ago. From meeting him three years ago, we had went our separate ways in year 2, and dated other people. I met somebody who was the complete opposite of me during that time, and the relationship was so good, everything was good we dated for 6 months. I honestly felt head over heels for this guy and I felt like I was falling in love with him. I wanted more out of the relationship. But he ended it, and it was because of the fact that he was having issues with money, felt like I was too dependent on him and also wasn't completely healed from his last relationship. Although a couple months later gave me the signal that he wanted to date again which we both ended up assuming it wasn't a good idea since it would be long distance. We stayed in touch on and off, he mainly would go out of his way to try to get me to meet up with him with his son and my kid. He'd ask me to come over and I did once but we didn't do anything inappropriate just hung out. But anyway any time he asked me to do anything I kept playing it off because I was starting to get close with the first guy again that I mentioned I've known for 3 years. So finally in April the guy who I said kept trying to get me to hangout with him and/or hangout with him and his son with my child, he messaged me one day and asked me if I wanted to be fwb and I told him no that I cant do that since I have other things going on in my life. A couple of weeks later I noticed he was dating someone. So I figured whatever and went on with my life and continued to get close with the other guy. But it has been a couple of months now where I cant even sleep without dreaming about the guy who I dated for 6 months. His little sisters follow me on social media and like my posts and I do the same back and I can't help but wonder if he wonders about me too. I hate myself for thinking about this man in ways that is not okay especially considering I'm in a relationship now. I can't even enjoy sex with my boyfriend now because all I do is think about this guy. I didn't mention but the 6 month relationship was a long distance relationship. And now I have to think about moving out of my apartment and there's a possibility that I might move where my ex lives because I have family there and its affordable. He lives ten minutes from my fathers house out of state. My boyfriend now might move with me but the thought of him coming out of state with me and moving somewhere where my ex lives, bothers me so much. Part of me also wants to be in a place alone although sometimes I want him there. I love my boyfriend and I truly appreciate him and want the best for him but I'm struggling with my emotions. I'm afraid to split ways because he has helped me and been there for me through the hardest things, he's been there for my child, my child loves him, and I just feel like a total . I've tried to push how I felt about my ex to the side for months and its like if I'm not thinking about it, I'm dreaming about it. Please help. I need advice and I'm desperate. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

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Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships are fraught with confusion, drama and conflict. It's especially confusing for your child. Where is the child's father? Does he pay child support and have visitation/custody?

 

Move alone and do not live with guy#1. He's a security blanket, but you don't love him nor are you attracted to him.

he is loved by family, by my child.

 

went our separate ways in year 2, and dated other people. We stayed in touch on and off

 

I was starting to get close with the first guy again that I mentioned I've known for 3 years. I can't even enjoy sex with my boyfriend now because all I do is think about this guy.

 

I'm afraid to split ways because he has helped me and been there for me through the hardest things.

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My child's father is present in my kid's life. He does his part in being a dad. I do not want to make things confusing for my child. Which is why the guy I dated for those 6 months met my child two months after we were talking and that was the first person that I was just dating for a period of time during the off months, who has met my son. I've been on dates with people during the off months with my boyfriend now but none of those people met my kid.

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I think you need time alone to relax and feel less pressured to be with anyone. Both of them don't sound like the right fit. The first guy you met three years ago is a security blanket. The other wants you as an fwb. I think you may be assuming too much or reading into his love life. Whatever he's doing with the other woman doesn't mean that the grass is greener. If you're looking for the total package, he still isn't it.

 

You seem lonely and stressed out. Hit time out and spend time with your family and child if you move. I wouldn't ask the first guy to come along (break it off) and I also wouldn't contact the second man. I don't think you're in the right frame of mind for a fwb. You seem too vulnerable emotionally and shaky. We've all been there. The dust will clear and when you're more like yourself you can reconnect with old friends. The time just isn't now.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships are fraught with confusion, drama and conflict. It's especially confusing for your child. Where is the child's father? Does he pay child support and have visitation/custody?

 

Move alone and do not live with guy#1. He's a security blanket, but you don't love him nor are you attracted to him.

 

My child's father is present in my kid's life. He does his part in being a dad. I do not want to make things confusing for my child. Which is why the guy I dated for those 6 months met my child two months after we were talking and that was the first person that I was just dating for a period of time during the off months, who has met my son. I've been on dates with people during the off months with my boyfriend now but none of those people met my kid.

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I think you need time alone to relax and feel less pressured to be with anyone. Both of them don't sound like the right fit. The first guy you met three years ago is a security blanket. The other wants you as an fwb. I think you may be assuming too much or reading into his love life. Whatever he's doing with the other woman doesn't mean that the grass is greener. If you're looking for the total package, he still isn't it.

 

You seem lonely and stressed out. Hit time out and spend time with your family and child if you move. I wouldn't ask the first guy to come along (break it off) and I also wouldn't contact the second man. I don't think you're in the right frame of mind for a fwb. You seem too vulnerable emotionally and shaky. We've all been there. The dust will clear and when you're more like yourself you can reconnect with old friends. The time just isn't now.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

Hi, thank you for your advice. You know I think deep down I know that's true, what you said. Because considering I have to move, I feel excited to move when I think of it just being myself and my child. I know I have things emotionally to work on, and I have things I want to do for myself and my son, and sometimes I get this feeling that maybe right now in my life I'm suppose to be alone in order for me to just become emotionally stronger with myself in regards to relationships and build my life. Also like you said reconnect with old friends. I don't have many friends and I barely make time to spend time with friends. I think the fact that guy #1 has been there for so long and I finally have a nice relationship with his family, and we've been through so much that it's like, am I so wrong to just want to be alone? I feel like a bad person to take away someone who my child has a relationship with. I feel bad about leaving him because I really do want him to succeed in life and I know that he's struggling to get his life together. I feel bad if I'm not there for him.

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Celia. It makes it a lot easier to read when in paragraphs, particularly when you are asking posters to give you advice and respond to your concerns.

 

This is quite uncalled for:

 

"I would if I was writing a college paper but I'm just asking for advice. I didn't think it was that serious?

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Hi, thank you for your advice. You know I think deep down I know that's true, what you said. Because considering I have to move, I feel excited to move when I think of it just being myself and my child. I know I have things emotionally to work on, and I have things I want to do for myself and my son, and sometimes I get this feeling that maybe right now in my life I'm suppose to be alone in order for me to just become emotionally stronger with myself in regards to relationships and build my life. Also like you said reconnect with old friends. I don't have many friends and I barely make time to spend time with friends. I think the fact that guy #1 has been there for so long and I finally have a nice relationship with his family, and we've been through so much that it's like, am I so wrong to just want to be alone? I feel like a bad person to take away someone who my child has a relationship with. I feel bad about leaving him because I really do want him to succeed in life and I know that he's struggling to get his life together. I feel bad if I'm not there for him.

 

I understand what you're saying. Some things I would explore... 1) The idea that you are responsible for another adult's happiness (your partner currently) and 2) the idea of being alone. I think they're related in your situation but they're separate issues.

 

Feeling comfortable with yourself will usually lead to the conviction that you are not responsible for anyone's successes or failures. It's not about being unkind or harsh or an a hole. It's about being all right with yourself and whatever your decisions may be. Your child may be your priority but if you are making decisions that override your happiness, this also means that your child has a mother who isn't right with herself. You're shooting yourself in the foot trying to move to the next chapter.

 

Thinking about others while in a relationship in passing, the occasional daydream or banner thought process is ok. Being so distracted that you can't function in the relationship or are reconsidering your future with this person isn't. Maybe deep down you know that your current partner provides the emotional stability for your family but he lacks also in other areas. You haven't reconciled that yet. Remember that total package I was talking about? Every one of us is a work in progress so there's only perfection in someone where we want to see it. You don't see it in either man though - that part is evident from your words or reactions to both of them.

 

Follow your gut instincts.

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It's not important,lol. The edit window is 30 min, so forget about it. If posters wish to reply, they can hit "reply with quote" and break it into paragraphs themselves.

I would if I was writing a college paper but I'm just asking for advice. I didn't think it was that serious?
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Celia. It makes it a lot easier to read when in paragraphs, particularly when you are asking posters to give you advice and respond to your concerns.

 

This is quite uncalled for:

 

"I would if I was writing a college paper but I'm just asking for advice. I didn't think it was that serious?

 

I agree. You want to ask something, make it easier for potential respondents to reply.

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I understand what you're saying. Some things I would explore... 1) The idea that you are responsible for another adult's happiness (your partner currently) and 2) the idea of being alone. I think they're related in your situation but they're separate issues.

 

Feeling comfortable with yourself will usually lead to the conviction that you are not responsible for anyone's successes or failures. It's not about being unkind or harsh or an a hole. It's about being all right with yourself and whatever your decisions may be. Your child may be your priority but if you are making decisions that override your happiness, this also means that your child has a mother who isn't right with herself. You're shooting yourself in the foot trying to move to the next chapter.

 

Thinking about others while in a relationship in passing, the occasional daydream or banner thought process is ok. Being so distracted that you can't function in the relationship or are reconsidering your future with this person isn't. Maybe deep down you know that your current partner provides the emotional stability for your family but he lacks also in other areas. You haven't reconciled that yet. Remember that total package I was talking about? Every one of us is a work in progress so there's only perfection in someone where we want to see it. You don't see it in either man though - that part is evident from your words or reactions to both of them.

 

Follow your gut instincts.

 

Thank you for that, I really appreciate it. My gut instincts for months has been telling me that I need to be alone and work on myself in order to be fully committed to my child, my self and life goals. I think about guy #2 a lot because he also would encourage me to become independent and I think it was nice to have someone who would push me to focus on that. But I know I really should be doing that for myself. I do not want to go back with guy #2 although we had a great connection. I feel like if I end it with my boyfriend now, I know I do not want to ruin the time I'm alone to be in a relationship that I may not be ready for. My family really pressures me to make it work with my boyfriend because he really is a great guy, and part of me is like if I don't make it work will I be making a mistake? Even though I know I need time to be myself, be alone, have friends, take care of my life a bit better to set myself and my child up in the future.

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It's not important,lol. The edit window is 30 min, so forget about it. If posters wish to reply, they can hit "reply with quote" and break it into paragraphs themselves.

 

Thank you for clarifying, I was confused on why it was becoming an issue? A couple of users are upset about it.

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Thank you for that, I really appreciate it. My gut instincts for months has been telling me that I need to be alone and work on myself in order to be fully committed to my child, my self and life goals. I think about guy #2 a lot because he also would encourage me to become independent and I think it was nice to have someone who would push me to focus on that. But I know I really should be doing that for myself. I do not want to go back with guy #2 although we had a great connection. I feel like if I end it with my boyfriend now, I know I do not want to ruin the time I'm alone to be in a relationship that I may not be ready for. My family really pressures me to make it work with my boyfriend because he really is a great guy, and part of me is like if I don't make it work will I be making a mistake? Even though I know I need time to be myself, be alone, have friends, take care of my life a bit better to set myself and my child up in the future.

 

The idea of a successful single woman or single mother is still a foreign thought in many peoples' minds. It's up to you what you wish for yourself and how you see yourself now or in the long term. Some things I remind myself of on days when I'm not so clear:

 

-I create my own happiness.

-Some beliefs and goals precede the relationships I have with others.

-Existing commitments are important. If not, rethink them or reorganize.

-Be willing to explore new opportunities or ways of thinking.

 

You don't have to explain yourself to everyone. I hope you do what's right for you.

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You may be not ready to commit to anyone, hence why you choose emotional unavailable men or someone you cannot be emotional available with. You are using the 6 months guy as a way to escape, but it's not about him. You just don't wanna be with guy number 2. But you really really need to figure out why. What about him or you as a couple is not working for you? In simple terms, would the love of your life be asking you to be an FWB? Nope.

 

You say #2 is your perfect match. Is there something about you you don't like that you see in him?

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Thank you for clarifying, I was confused on why it was becoming an issue? A couple of users are upset about it.

 

You will get more reads - and thus more feedback - if you make it reader-friendly. This is especially true for folks with poorer vision or reading from a smaller screen on a phone. It's simple forum etiquette for the writer to use paragraphs. You'll notice that most do so.

 

Anyway, I agree with the others that it might be best to just be single for a while. The current guy doesn't appear to be what you are looking for, and the other guy isn't really it either. Your best bet is probably to take some time to yourself and then start fresh with someone else altogether.

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I would if I was writing a college paper but I'm just asking for advice. I didn't think it was that serious?

 

ENA Forum Rules. - Rule # 6: ........."Please post in letter style. Use paragraphs, punctuation, and capital letters appropriately. Netspeak and shortcutting (b4, str8, etc) are difficult to read and not permitted in posts."

 

Thanks.

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I think this says it all.

 

That also struck me too. Can you elaborate, OP?

 

Also you mentioned the second guy felt like you were too financially dependent. Can you elaborate?

 

It appears you know that you have some work to do on yourself but your with someone or using someone as a security blanket and on top of that you have this guy who wants to be fwb with you (but also called you financially dependent) stuck in your head. Are you sure you're in a headspace to even have a healthy and loving relationship?

 

I would also advise you not to listen to your family if they are pressuring you to do or be something you're not happy with. Parents don't always know what's best.

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That also struck me too. Can you elaborate, OP?

 

Also you mentioned the second guy felt like you were too financially dependent. Can you elaborate?

 

It appears you know that you have some work to do on yourself but your with someone or using someone as a security blanket and on top of that you have this guy who wants to be fwb with you (but also called you financially dependent) stuck in your head. Are you sure you're in a headspace to even have a healthy and loving relationship?

 

I would also advise you not to listen to your family if they are pressuring you to do or be something you're not happy with. Parents don't always know what's best.

 

Hi, thank you for your response. So to answer your questions... I have a lot of things that go on in my personal life, home life, and the guy who I briefly dated felt like I was too dependent on him. Because I would come to him with any problems or issues I was having. He thought that by me doing that, that I assumed he would fix everything which was not true at all. I just wanted someone to listen. So he never said I was financially dependent on him, it was in his words "emotionally dependent". I think I do have inner things about myself that needs work. I know I'm capable of loving someone and putting my all into a relationship but I think the problem is, and a user who responded to this post said it as well, that I need to be right with myself.

 

I wanted to add, the guy who wanted to be fwb, he was really respectful of me declining that offer, part of me thinks that maybe the reason he brought that up was because I kept brushing off hanging out with him even when he had his child with him. Or possibly the reason he brought fwb up was because he saw I wasn't making any effort to see him so it was his way of like trying to see what I wanted? Especially because when we broke up, he would message me occasionally to see how I was doing even when he knew I didn't want to talk to him. Because when we broke up, I was mad at him for how he handled the break up. I found out in a bad way. Which he did apologize for but it mini broke my heart which took me a couple of months to finally move on from being upset about it.

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I think this says it all.

 

Hi thank you for your response. Can you please explain what you mean? I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests.

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Absolutely not Celia.

 

" I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests."

 

There certainly has to be common ground, and maybe certain interests in common, including a common project, while also pursuing individual interests and being one's own "self".

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Absolutely not Celia.

 

" I'm asking because I always assumed that when people look for a boyfriend or potential husband that they would always seek to find someone who is similar to them and have the same interests."

 

There certainly has to be common ground, and maybe certain interests in common, including a common project, while also pursuing individual interests and being one's own "self".

 

Thank you for that, I really like how you explained that. I never really thought about it that way.

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