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I’m confused and unsure


unsure27

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Warning this is going to be long but I need advice and the only way to get it is to explain everything.

 

I have been trying to figure this out on my own now for going on 2 months but I still stuck at a fork in the road.

 

To start at the beginning, 3 years ago. Sept 2017 I met my fiancé on POF we met in person and he was everything I ever wanted. He was helpful on the ranch from day one. Never complained, my family loved (and still does love) him. He’s tall and handsome. Everything I was looking for in one package. But something was missing.

 

We started dating Oct 2017.

 

Nov 2018 he proposed in the barn after the Christmas parade. It was really sweet we both shed some tears. However he didn’t actually say the words “will you marry me” I asked what it meant after I put the ring on.

 

Oct 2019 I packed up and moved into the fixer upper house he bought in 2017. All was going great we had our wedding was in the making. We picked our date and along we went living happy and loving each other for the most part.

 

The first night I moved in and unpacked I cried because it was the first time I ever moved out excluding college and even then I cried too. I am a home girl and leaving was very hard on me. So anyways after I was done unpacking I went to have a shower. He joined with isn’t new we’ve showered together before. However instead of hugging me and being caring because I thought he knew how i would be feeling he kissed me until he got horny and then it felt like we had to have sex so I allowed it to happen. Never once had he made me feel this way while dating.

 

It got better I learned to live in the house and live with him. I got settled in and things were going really well for the remaining of the year.

 

In Feb 2020 I got a job. Everything was going great. Loved it loved the people and we were working on building a barn to move the horses up. Plus I was getting married so you could say everything was looking up Milhouse. Then like for everyone around the world. Covid hit and I got sent home for 2 months. Thankfully I didn’t loose my job completely.

 

Living with him for 2 months no able to go anywheres and still to cold really to go outside and work on anything we got stuck in the house doing our own thing. Where I did house work and asked him if he wanted or needed anything every time I got up from my computer. He played his game and if he got up he wouldn’t ask me if I wanted anything while he was up. We had some nights were we played games together and tried to enjoy each others company. He would deny this but it literally felt like we could have gone down hill fast if my break from work would have lasted any longer.

 

I come back to work from leave hating my job and crying because I didn’t want to be there anymore. My fiancé was very supportive of me and my well-being. Trying to help me find something else and trying to make me happy. Thankfully the company I am with is very good and they found me a fitting job within the company. So I transferred positions and love my current role.

 

And this is where it has really gone down hill. Everything was still going decent. Due to covid we had to postpone the wedding which was okay. We picked a date later in the year and went that route.

 

While working my new position I meet a bunch of new people. A month went by and everything was great, home life was good and so was work life.

 

Near the end of the second month of my new position I felt a draw towards one of the people I had recently met. Now when I say draw what I mean is I did not look at this person and feel an attraction as I was not here to do that I had found my person and I was just here to work. However after a couple weeks I found myself talking to them more and more. I’d walk away but yet I’d keep going back. In a blink I felt like I was hit by cupid and a train. I can not think of another moment where I ever felt like that. Sure my heart has skipped a beat and I’ve gotten butterflies but this was different somehow.

 

In the third month they leave for school for 7 weeks and I say to myself okay this is good. Not seeing them will make these feelings go away.... well they have not. I started to not look forward to coming to work, my mother recently had said that I do not seem happy like I was. I am not sure if that has to do with them leaving or not. Anyways I’ve been counting down until they are back to work so I can look forward to work again and be able to see them everyday again. I can not stop thinking of them. I miss them.

 

During this time my fiancé was away to work on contracts with my father. He isn’t a big texter and I’m not a big caller but we’ve made it work the same as we did before moving in together (2.5 hour distant relationship prior to living together). However I found us not wanting to talk to each other. He didn’t seem interested in talking to me. He would ask me about my day and that was it. If I didn’t come up with topics then we just sat on the phone and listened to each other breathe. Which is why I am not a fan of calling.

 

He’s been working closer to home now which has been really nice cuz I have missed him dearly (but not the extra housework lol). However even with him home we aren’t the same as we were. I’m not jumping him. I’m not overly interested in sex anymore at all. Not like I use to be which annoys him. So when he wanted it I gave in. It wasn’t as bad as the first night thankfully but it wasn’t overly enjoyable. Sometimes it would work that I got to enjoy it and other times not so much.

 

I have been open with him to the point of saying I’m in a confusing place where I am not sure what to do. He has told me hes been concerned that one of these talks will be the last or that he will come home and I’ll be packed up and gone.

 

If you need more details or have questions ask and I’ll answer the best I can.

 

Thank you for your advice.

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To start at the beginning, 3 years ago. Sept 2017 I met my fiancé on POF we met in person and he was everything I ever wanted. He was helpful on the ranch from day one. Never complained, my family loved (and still does love) him. He’s tall and handsome. Everything I was looking for in one package. But something was missing.

 

 

 

Could you elaborate on this part right here? What, exactly, was "missing" in this person you met three years ago?

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Could you elaborate on this part right here? What, exactly, was "missing" in this person you met three years ago?

 

That’s the thing I unfortunately have not been able to pin point what Exactly is missing with him. I have been trying to figure it out but so far nothing.

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I think that it is good that the wedding is off.

 

Have you considered couples counseling. I think that something is off in your relationship, and this is why you are attracted to the other guy.

 

I have thought of counselling I just have yet looked into it. I will start researching however to see if there is any around.

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So you had just 6 mos living together when COVID hit. That's a lot of adjustment. Moving in together, jobs, covid, staying confined, etc.

The good news is you seem to have a good foundation and relationship.

 

This work crush seems to represent, not a departure from you relationship but rather a departure from all the recent stresses. A return to socializing and some sort of normality. So keep that in mind.

 

Connectedness and sex/intimacy can suffer with too many changes at once. Plus the realization that well, you're not dating, you're living together. Sweats, tv, schlumping around, etc. Then multiply that by 1000 a la covid.

 

Ride it out. However if you feel the stress is taking a toll on you and the relationship some short term counseling could help out. In fact there will be doldrums at times during marriage. However you know each other well beforehand and given the too much/too soon aspect to changes and stress, ride this storm out.

 

If you are interested, there is a standard stress scale/test you can take: https://www.mdapp.co/holmes-and-rahe-stress-scale-calculator-253/

Oct 2019 I packed up and moved into the fixer upper house he bought in 2017.

In Feb 2020 I got a job. Covid hit and I got sent home for 2 months. Thankfully I didn’t loose my job completely.

 

My fiancé was very supportive of me and my well-being. Trying to help me find something else and trying to make me happy.

 

If I didn’t come up with topics then we just sat on the phone and listened to each other breathe.

 

I’m not overly interested in sex anymore at all. Not like I use to be which annoys him.

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That’s the thing I unfortunately have not been able to pin point what Exactly is missing with him. I have been trying to figure it out but so far nothing.

 

Interesting. Well, I think that this is your key right here, the root of the problem in the relationship so to speak: this something missing. I agree with others that you should look into counseling and, hopefully, through counseling you may discover what this missing something is.

 

Have you had any serious relationships before the one you are in now? If so, how did your past relationships compare to your current one?

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So you had just 6 mos living together when COVID hit. That's a lot of adjustment. Moving in together, jobs, covid, staying confined, etc.

The good news is you seem to have a good foundation and relationship.

 

This work crush seems to represent, not a departure from you relationship but rather a departure from all the recent stresses. A return to socializing and some sort of normality. So keep that in mind.

 

Connectedness and sex/intimacy can suffer with too many changes at once. Plus the realization that well, you're not dating, you're living together. Sweats, tv, schlumping around, etc. Then multiply that by 1000 a la covid.

 

Ride it out. However if you feel the stress is taking a toll on you and the relationship some short term counseling could help out. In fact there will be doldrums at times during marriage. However you know each other well beforehand and given the too much/too soon aspect to changes and stress, ride this storm out.

 

]

 

Thank you very much. Stress has definitely taken its toll on the both of us and we both deal with it differently therefore adding more stress because we are not understanding what each other is going through so we’re trying to fight our battles on our own instead of together. I’m trying to open myself up to him more so he understands. However he does not. He sees it as he’s the man and is not suppose to be vulnerable. He’s suppose to be strong and tough no tears. (This is all him btw I do not see that is how a man is suppose to be especially with his future wife. Which I’ve explained to him as well).

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Instead of saying, "I like to be thoughtful and ask you if you need anything when I get up. It's important you do the same for me." You keep things bottled up instead of communicating. Also, when you cried about moving in because you're a mama's girl, and then probably composed yourself before getting in the shower, you thought he could read your mind that you weren't emotionally ready for sex at that particular moment. He can't read minds. Don't assume or expect that. Tell him how you're feeling.

 

And then maybe you feel like you can't know the real him because he holds back tears and being emotional. Perhaps all those things are frustrating you and the reason for an emotional disconnect.

 

Emotional disconnection makes you susceptible for emotional affairs. It's on you for going there at work. When you're exclusive, the guy at work who you have chemistry with is the guy you totally have to be careful about NOT treating him any differently than any other co-worker, which means not stopping at his desk for chats, not exchanging numbers with, not accepting friend requests on social media, and cutting chats short if he's the one going to your desk.

 

You don't start a new relationship until ending the one you're in. Either work on what you have, or break up and be alone for a good long while, because rebounds often fail.

 

While waiting for counseling if that's your choice, you can get books on communication that you and your bf could take turns reading out loud to one another. A good one is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The Five Love Languages is also a good book for couples to learn about what each values for showing love, and how each wants to be shown love.

 

Or, maybe you feel as though you need more dating experiences before settling down. If that's the case, if I were you, I wouldn't move back home. I'd rent something by yourself, since you don't want to tie those apron strings again, because it's not healthy to seek the comfort of your parents home and be stuck as their babyish child, preventing you from growing and evolving into an independent woman. Take care and let us know how it goes.

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I'm seeing a lack of communication and time together. Even when you were COVID lockdown for months, it feels like there were two separate worlds. You did your thing and he played his games. You're not really talking when on the phone and aren't making conversation or seeming to take that much interest in what's going on in your lives. You say he isn't opening up because he want to be a "man." Put together, all of this is creating a void in your relationship. You aren't connecting or bonding like a couple. There's a distance. So when you met someone interesting at work, you developed a crush to fill that void. You are trying to find that something missing.

 

Do you have any common interests or hobbies? If you want your relationship to work out, you need to find a way to connect with each other. You need to find something to do together, something to talk about that can reignite the spark. He needs to open himself up. And you both need to be honest with your feelings and with each other. You need to find what's missing and work together to figure out what you both want and need from the relationship.

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Near the end of the second month of my new position I felt a draw towards one of the people I had recently met. Now when I say draw what I mean is I did not look at this person and feel an attraction as I was not here to do that I had found my person and I was just here to work. However after a couple weeks I found myself talking to them more and more.

 

But - that's exactly what you mean when you say feel a draw, isn't it?

 

You're attracted to this person. You want to see them and interact. Maybe that's what has been missing in your relationship with your fiancé. Have you ever felt that way about him, or were you perhaps not dating him for the right reasons, in your heart or hearts?

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It's important to understand different coping styles. "Opening up", "talking", "crying", etc is not for everyone

 

. In fact processing and reflecting quietly is just fine. Let each other be who you are.

 

Sadly there is often too much misguided emphasis on "opening up". For many people being forced to talk is extremely stressful.

He sees it as he’s the man and is not suppose to be vulnerable. He’s suppose to be strong and tough no tears. (This is all him btw I do not see that is how a man is suppose to be especially with his future wife. Which I’ve explained to him as well).
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Instead of saying, "I like to be thoughtful and ask you if you need anything when I get up. It's important you do the same for me." You keep things bottled up instead of communicating. Also, when you cried about moving in because you're a mama's girl, and then probably composed yourself before getting in the shower, you thought he could read your mind that you weren't emotionally ready for sex at that particular moment. He can't read minds. Don't assume or expect that. Tell him how you're feeling.

 

And then maybe you feel like you can't know the real him because he holds back tears and being emotional. Perhaps all those things are frustrating you and the reason for an emotional disconnect.

 

Emotional disconnection makes you susceptible for emotional affairs. It's on you for going there at work. When you're exclusive, the guy at work who you have chemistry with is the guy you totally have to be careful about NOT treating him any differently than any other co-worker, which means not stopping at his desk for chats, not exchanging numbers with, not accepting friend requests on social media, and cutting chats short if he's the one going to your desk.

 

You don't start a new relationship until ending the one you're in. Either work on what you have, or break up and be alone for a good long while, because rebounds often fail.

 

While waiting for counseling if that's your choice, you can get books on communication that you and your bf could take turns reading out loud to one another. A good one is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The Five Love Languages is also a good book for couples to learn about what each values for showing love, and how each wants to be shown love.

 

Or, maybe you feel as though you need more dating experiences before settling down. If that's the case, if I were you, I wouldn't move back home. I'd rent something by yourself, since you don't want to tie those apron strings again, because it's not healthy to seek the comfort of your parents home and be stuck as their babyish child, preventing you from growing and evolving into an independent woman. Take care and let us know how it goes.

 

You have pointed out a lot of things that have gone through my head as to maybe this is why this situation has forward.

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I'm seeing a lack of communication and time together. Even when you were COVID lockdown for months, it feels like there were two separate worlds. You did your thing and he played his games. You're not really talking when on the phone and aren't making conversation or seeming to take that much interest in what's going on in your lives. You say he isn't opening up because he want to be a "man." Put together, all of this is creating a void in your relationship. You aren't connecting or bonding like a couple. There's a distance. So when you met someone interesting at work, you developed a crush to fill that void. You are trying to find that something missing.

 

Do you have any common interests or hobbies? If you want your relationship to work out, you need to find a way to connect with each other. You need to find something to do together, something to talk about that can reignite the spark. He needs to open himself up. And you both need to be honest with your feelings and with each other. You need to find what's missing and work together to figure out what you both want and need from the relationship.

 

I agree completely there is a lack of communication between us. We have some common interests. We both like to game but have no games to play together as of yet. We both enjoy basketball but never go anywheres to play.

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It's important to understand different coping styles. "Opening up", "talking", "crying", etc is not for everyone

 

. In fact processing and reflecting quietly is just fine. Let each other be who you are.

 

Sadly there is often too much misguided emphasis on "opening up". For many people being forced to talk is extremely stressful.

 

Coping for myself is all of the above. I usually cry, stay quite and reflect until I am ready to open up and talk about what is going on.

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Here’s an update as of last night. My fiancé and I had a long talk on the phone of pretty much everything. About our feelings, our situation, thoughts. He asked his questions that he needed to ask and I did as well. I did mention to him that I believe couples counselling maybe something we should try. He has a hard time thinking about talking to someone outside of our relationship but after he understood that we are in a rough spot and neither of us know how to get out of it he agreed that it maybe something to try. We need more communication no question there. I want to work to fix our relationship.

 

I greatly appreciate all of your advice, thank you for understanding.

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But - that's exactly what you mean when you say feel a draw, isn't it?

 

You're attracted to this person. You want to see them and interact. Maybe that's what has been missing in your relationship with your fiancé. Have you ever felt that way about him, or were you perhaps not dating him for the right reasons, in your heart or hearts?

 

When I first met my fiancé there was an attraction however I was meeting him as a “fling” at first which he knew and it just grew from there. Moments though I look back and try to remember why it grew. Unfortunately I can not say that I felt the draw to him.

 

It maybe possible that we didn’t start dating for the right reasons. I have moments where I feel like this relationship was quietly pushed together by family members. Weird feeling and I know is just a silly thought. But that’s been a thought.

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I think that it is good that the wedding is off.

 

Have you considered couples counseling. I think that something is off in your relationship, and this is why you are attracted to the other guy.

 

Pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Although I was thinking more along the line of breaking up, rather than couples counselling. It just sounds to me like you're not ready for marriage, and/or that this might not be the guy.

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I have moments where I feel like this relationship was quietly pushed together by family members. Weird feeling and I know is just a silly thought. But that’s been a thought.

 

I don't know how silly it it, to be honest. It does seem to me like this relationship has been pushed along to some degree.

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Pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Although I was thinking more along the line of breaking up, rather than couples counselling. It just sounds to me like you're not ready for marriage, and/or that this might not be the guy.

 

Definitely not as ready for marriage as I thought I was. Thankfully I learned that before the wedding date. Which when it came to the wedding planning it didn’t seem like things were to go simple with it. Seemed like everything that was suppose to happen either had people complaining about cost or something else came up to make those plans not possible.

 

I do still care very much about him that I would like to see if we are fixable before throwing in the towel mainly because I know if I left I’d always be thinking well what if....

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Something else I learned last night while we had our conversation was that I have a quirk that drives him up the walls. That quirk being I come home from work and go straight into house work and barn chores. Where he would like for me to sit for 10-15 mins to breathe and talk. Which I dont mind doing however he doesn’t start the conversation or even say that he wants to talk. I multitask and talk as I’m working. I listen as well and if it ever gets serious I would stop what I’m doing and sit to chat with him.

 

Just seemed like a lot of things he said last night made me feel that he doesn’t know me very well as a person. Not as much as he says he does.

 

Also I need to point out that moving into an apartment is not something I can do because I have farm animals to take with me. So if I leave it would be purchasing my own house to form into a home. Or moving back home (which I really don’t wanna do)

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