I’m confused and unsure

[Wiseman2]

Ok, so is communicating better. This is the key. Not "more" communication, it's better communication. If someone were "multitasking" while I was trying to talk with them, I would walk right out the door.

 

Stop "multitasking", it's very rude and distracting. Do you like talking at someone with their minds, hands, eyes, etc. elsewhere? That is not communication, this is not multitasking, it is shutting out, deprioritizing, half ignoring. You see, you Both have to try, not just him.

 

Not just him talking More, when that never works. Focus on quality time, quality communication. Couples therapy is kind of a silly idea, when you want to multitask, and he is more reflective and pensive. Particularly if you have one foot out the door so much so that you are thinking about moving back home.

I multitask and talk as I’m working. I listen as well and if it ever gets serious I would stop what I’m doing and sit to chat with him.

[unsure27]

Ok, so is communicating better. This is the key. Not "more" communication, it's better communication.

 

Stop "multitasking", it's very rude and distracting. Do you like talking at someone with their minds, hands, eyes, etc. elsewhere? That is not communication, this is not multitasking, it is shutting out, deprioritizing, half ignoring. You see, you Both have to try, not just him.

 

Not just him talking More, when that never works. Focus on quality time, quality communication. Couples therapy is kind of a silly idea, when you want to multitask, and he is more reflective and pensive. Particularly if you have one foot out the door so much so that you are thinking about moving back home.

 

The way I work I multitask to get things done so then we can sit down and be together. My timing is just done. No I agree I don’t like it when someone else is doing something while talking but it’s not that I’m sitting on my phone not listening. I’m doing laundry or dishes. I’m not completely distracted that’s just how I’m wired. I’m working on making it better and slowing down now that I understand how he’s feeling.

 

I am open and communicating as much as I can. I don’t shut down often. It will always come out and I will always say what’s on my mind to keep communication.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you resent coming home doing all the housework rightfully so and use this as a passive aggressive show to let him know how busy and overwhelmed you are. Get take-out and sit down together and eat. And talk. He's not asking for a kidney. He's asking for some relaxed company when you come home from work.

 

That is not communication. "That's how I'm wired" is a strange thing to say when he quietly processes and reflects to deal, and that's not ok.

 

Actually it's not 'how you're wired' what you you learned at home and choose to do. Forcing someone to be a clone of you is a huge mistake couples starting out tend to make.

The way I work I multitask to get things done so then we can sit down and be together. My timing is just done. No I agree I don’t like it when someone else is doing something while talking but it’s not that I’m sitting on my phone not listening. I’m doing laundry or dishes. I’m not completely distracted that’s just how I’m wired. I’m working on making it better and slowing down now that I understand how he’s feeling.

 

I am open and communicating as much as I can. I don’t shut down often. It will always come out and I will always say what’s on my mind to keep communication.

[unsure27]

Sounds like you resent coming home doing all the housework rightfully so and use this as a passive aggressive show to let him know how busy and overwhelmed you are. Get take-out and sit down together and eat. And talk. He's not asking for a kidney. He's asking for some relaxed company when you come home from work.

 

That is not communication. "That's how I'm wired" is a strange thing to say when he quietly processes and reflects to deal, and that's not ok.

 

Actually it's not 'how you're wired' what you you learned at home and choose to do. Forcing someone to be a clone of you is a huge mistake couples starting out tend to make.

 

Keep in mind please that I did not know that this is what he wanted or needed until last night. We have different time frames when it comes to how we want to spend the time right after work. I’m trying to beat the dark then relax and he’s trying to relax then beat the dark.

 

I also do not see or understand how you think I am forcing him to become a clone of me.

[unsure27]

Interesting. Well, I think that this is your key right here, the root of the problem in the relationship so to speak: this something missing. I agree with others that you should look into counseling and, hopefully, through counseling you may discover what this missing something is.

 

Have you had any serious relationships before the one you are in now? If so, how did your past relationships compare to your current one?

 

I’ve had 1 serious relationship before this one. That relationship lasted 3 years before I ended it. Comparing the two my last one was more toxic in a way. He wasn’t abusive or anything like that but he made things hard. He didn’t want to help my farm life or be with me there we fought more and my family didn’t get along with him.

 

Where as this relationship is not toxic, we don’t fight, he is supportive with my life choices and helps the best he can. Plus my family loves him.

[Andrina]

Where he would like for me to sit for 10-15 mins to breathe and talk. Which I dont mind doing however he doesn’t start the conversation or even say that he wants to talk.

 

He's asked for something, and instead of accommodating that reasonable request, you're coming up with excuses. You don't have to do the same thing every day. You can switch things up, but for that 10 minutes you can sometimes: Give him a longer hug than usual and say you missed him. Cup his face in your hand and give him a warm smile and ask him how his day was. And then tell him about yours. You could pick up his favorite dessert on your lunch break and give it to him when you arrive home.

 

He should respond in kind and perhaps make more of an effort himself.

 

Are chores divvied in a fair way? And if it's hard to do the farm chores with light fading, you could always ask for his help so that with two people working, it'll get done quicker. If you feel you do more chores than him, come up, together, with a fairer division.

[unsure27]

Where he would like for me to sit for 10-15 mins to breathe and talk. Which I dont mind doing however he doesn’t start the conversation or even say that he wants to talk.

 

He's asked for something, and instead of accommodating that reasonable request, you're coming up with excuses. You don't have to do the same thing every day. You can switch things up, but for that 10 minutes you can sometimes: Give him a longer hug than usual and say you missed him. Cup his face in your hand and give him a warm smile and ask him how his day was. And then tell him about yours. You could pick up his favorite dessert on your lunch break and give it to him when you arrive home.

 

He should respond in kind and perhaps make more of an effort himself.

 

Are chores divvied in a fair way? And if it's hard to do the farm chores with light fading, you could always ask for his help so that with two people working, it'll get done quicker. If you feel you do more chores than him, come up, together, with a fairer division.

 

In a way the chores are divided. We help each other as much as possible but that doesn’t always mean that we do them together. I will be trying the break before chores to make things better. To sit and talk about our days.

[boltnrun]

I'm curious...you used "they" and "them" to describe the "person" at work you're attracted to, but you use "he" and "him" to describe your fiance.

Is the "person" at work a woman? If so, have you been attracted to women before?

[unsure27]

I'm curious...you used "they" and "them" to describe the "person" at work you're attracted to, but you use "he" and "him" to describe your fiance.

Is the "person" at work a woman? If so, have you been attracted to women before?

 

Good question but no the person at work is a man as well. I used they and them to split it up so easier to tell the difference between people.

[SooSad33]

Sad, you two dont seem to communicate much :/.

BUT you are aiming to MARRY.

 

And the worst thing to do is consider anything to do with a co-worker!

 

Maybe.. things have changed, because you two have grown more 'comfrotable' with each other?

 

IMO, If you agreed to marry this guy- with HIM is the only place your heart should be.

 

As for the other dude, that could just be some kind of 'lust', or curioisity? OR something YOU are craving- where is lacking within your relationship? Think on that - of which is up to the TWO of you to fix.

 

I guess if you are really NOT into it- then be honest with him.. BUT I highly suggest you do NOT end up running into something else with this other guy.. Can very much end up like a rebound.. they come on strong & end fast- and damaging :(

[unsure27]

Sad, you two dont seem to communicate much :/.

BUT you are aiming to MARRY.

 

And the worst thing to do is consider anything to do with a co-worker!

 

Maybe.. things have changed, because you two have grown more 'comfrotable' with each other?

 

IMO, If you agreed to marry this guy- with HIM is the only place your heart should be.

 

As for the other dude, that could just be some kind of 'lust', or curioisity? OR something YOU are craving- where is lacking within your relationship? Think on that - of which is up to the TWO of you to fix.

 

I guess if you are really NOT into it- then be honest with him.. BUT I highly suggest you do NOT end up running into something else with this other guy.. Can very much end up like a rebound.. they come on strong & end fast- and damaging :(

 

That is what I have always thought that the man I choose to marry is the only man that should have my heart and that’s that.

 

This wrench that has jammed the gears just confused everything and therefore left me on the island of confusion.

 

Thank you for your advice it is possible that we have just became more comfortable with each other that it feels like we’re drifting apart.

 

We are going to try to fix this together the best we can.

[ShySoul]

All of these issues and differences would have come out eventually, so it's good to be addressing them now before you're married. People all have different quirks or communication styles. The key is learning to compromise, how to each bend a little so that the other person is filling like their needs are met. And the only way to do that is to talk to each other, communicating those needs and really listening to each other. I would be like you, trying to get all the work out of the way so that when I do sit down with someone I wouldn't be thinking of all the things I still need to finish. But right now the relationship needs complete, undivided attention. Communication is essential, it's how the inevitable problems that come up are solved.

 

I hope things are going okay for you and that you two can work through this.