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Dating someone 4 months, fell in love, they didn't, she broke it off last week


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It's actually a little more in-depth than the topic title, but here are the breakup messages...

 

"Hey.

 

I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.

 

We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.

 

I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

 

I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

 

Shortly after that we had a brief text exchange...

 

Me: Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings.

 

Her: Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now.

 

Me: I understand Sarah. I wish things could have been different, but we had a lot of fun together and I don't regret the time we shared. Take care

 

Her: We did. I don't either. You too

 

This all happened last thursday and I'm really taking it horribly. It broke me emotionally and I feel like I'm breaking down physically now. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating but I'm force-feeding myself and feel sick, I'm having stalker-ish thoughts (like constantly checking her social media and wanting to drive by her place just to see if her car is there and if her lights are on/off), I don't feel motivated to do anything, and I'm having so much anxiety and depression I don't even feel like myself anymore. I just feel so lost. Like my future has crumbled and there's no reason to even go on anymore.

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Sorry about all this, my friend. I wish I had something to say that would make the hurt go away, but the only thing that will do that is time, and giving yourself time to feel through these feelings. There is another side to this, one you'll get to sooner than you think. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but try to have some faith.

 

Though breaking up over text isn't super cool, I will say that, all in all, her words to you were both clear and respectful. It's clear she values you and your humanity, along with her own, even while coming to the conclusion that those pieces do not make a puzzle. That's no small thing, even if it feels minuscule, and painful, at the moment. This experience, and mourning it, will prepare you for new ones: with yourself, with others.

 

What do you have in life, right now, for support? Friends? Family? A job or hobby you're passionate about? This is a moment to lean into that, to keep those "stalker-ish thoughts" at bay, things you observe as a symptom of pain without indulging. Guess I'm just encouraging you to not lose track of continuing to be exactly the person you want to be in the world, even as you process this loss.

 

Hang in there.

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I would have just accepted that she was not feeling it. The first 6-8 months, you decide if this person is someone you wish to date long term. She did not feel that way. It was wrong to throw her hormones, etc, into things and try to convince her she doesn't know her own mind. There have been guys that i liked, but didn't see myself with them long term - there wasn't enough there. If someone you dated 16 weeks leaves and you have an emotional breakdown, you are too invested. Please do not stalk her. I can understand if you felt the future was crumbling because someone broke off an engagement with you, but this is 16 weeks of dating. Please block her on social media so you are not tempted to look

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Sorry to hear this. At 16 weeks she's simply not feeling it and was forthcoming enough to tell you that so you can move forward.

 

Yikes!! Don't tell her that medication side effects are the culprit of her "not feeling it", as you know that is just a spin on "It's me, not you".

 

If anything, your extreme reaction to a 16 week dating experience may warrant you getting checked out if you are having all these thoughts and intense reactions.

 

At some level your anti-medication stance may be what is at the root of this and your self-neglect and self-destructiveness. At some level you know you've had issues long before this 16 dating situation.

Me: Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel.

 

 

It broke me emotionally and I feel like I'm breaking down physically now. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating but I'm force-feeding myself and feel sick, I'm having stalker-ish thoughts I don't feel motivated to do anything, and I'm having so much anxiety and depression I don't even feel like myself anymore. I just feel so lost. Like my future has crumbled and there's no reason to even go on anymore.

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For what it is worth, I think its pretty understandable to feel this way considering you've gotten your heart broken.

 

You don't see it now, but at least she was honest with you and let you down, somewhat easy. I do not support break up texts. After a few months, you deserved a conversation.

 

Take care of yourself. Try to stop cyber stalking her. It just prolongs this pain. The sooner stop and the less you know about her, the more you focus on you and your life.

 

Lean on your friends and family. Wallow a little bit. comfort food, binge watching tv, and naps. When you get sick of that, it's time to start exercising and focusing on new goals.

 

You can and will get through this. [emoji173]

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For what it is worth, I think its pretty understandable to feel this way considering you've gotten your heart broken.

 

You don't see it now, but at least she was honest with you and let you down, somewhat easy. I do not support break up texts. After a few months, you deserved a conversation.

 

Take care of yourself. Try to stop cyber stalking her. It just prolongs this pain. The sooner stop and the less you know about her, the more you focus on you and your life.

 

Lean on your friends and family. Wallow a little bit. comfort food, binge watching tv, and naps. When you get sick of that, it's time to start exercising and focusing on new goals.

 

You can and will get through this. [emoji173]

 

I agree. She did her best to be honest -not thrilled about her choice to write it instead of face you like a person, not thrilled about the self-serving "emotionless" stuff - that's about her self-ruminations and likely isn't true -she has emotions, just not for you -that hurts a lot I know and the sooner you accept and move on the better!

 

And never try to convince someone to be with you!

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I agree. She did her best to be honest -not thrilled about her choice to write it instead of face you like a person, not thrilled about the self-serving "emotionless" stuff - that's about her self-ruminations and likely isn't true -she has emotions, just not for you -that hurts a lot I know and the sooner you accept and move on the better!

 

And never try to convince someone to be with you!

 

Yeah... I just thought her lack of "feelings" for me might be because we started seeing each other immediately after her 2-3 year relationship ended and her ex was at the top of her mind. There were a couple instances that made me think this...

 

She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends". And one night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them. I found both of these to be not great signs for her relationship with me.

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All of theses are red flags you chose to ignore.

She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends". And one night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them. I found both of these to be not great signs for her relationship with me.

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She's not ready to date and admitted that. Take it all with a pinch of salt. This could have gone on a lot longer in a one-sided manner and that's worse. The whole I'm not feeling strong enough about this is really a person telling you that they don't have enough space right now to give (there's not much else to give and she's maxed out and numb). Thank your lucky stars she's honest because there are a lot of people walking and talking out there who don't even verbalize this. Now you have an opportunity to free up your time and your world. Give yourself a few more weeks. You'll bounce back.

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Yeah... I just thought her lack of "feelings" for me might be because we started seeing each other immediately after her 2-3 year relationship ended and her ex was at the top of her mind. There were a couple instances that made me think this...

 

She admitted to still talking to her ex "as friends". And one night she was wearing a shirt that her ex gave her. And it wasn't just a normal shirt. It was a navy shirt with his last name on the back (he's in the navy). She also gave me a shirt to wear one night that he had made for her. It had a graphic of a spider she kept as a pet or something and she told me it was an inside joke between them. I found both of these to be not great signs for her relationship with me.

 

So the analysis is for her friends or therapist to do -you're too biased -and it really doesn't matter. At all. Lack of feelings =lack of feelings. Yes, if it was a bizarre situation where she hit her head and woke up with amnesia and had no feelings for you (a la my former favorite soap opera Young and the Restless) fine. But trying to figure out why especially when you're biased is self-torture. She may not even know why. Because it really doesn't matter other than if she chooses to go into therapy to figure out whether it's a pattern. That still has zero to do with you.

 

A story - in the late 90s my fiancee and I ended things. I had too many doubts about my feelings. Shortly after I wanted him back. I told him so. He said "no, because it would be romantic at first but then we'd have the same result and break up again." I didn't try to convince him. There was no ex I was thinking of, I just knew we weren't the right match and knew I couldn't marry him and "settle."

 

But close to 8 years later we reconnected. Sparks flew. We were different people in many ways by then. We'd had little contact over the years and zero contact about why it ended, whether it should have ended ,whether it was because of some internal issue with me. Zero.

 

Had we delved into that, had we gone out again right after we broke up, had I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make it right in the late 90s - we would not be together today. Because by the time we were the right persons for each other, it worked in part because we were able to put the past, and the past baggage behind us. It would have been too much baggage if I'd chased him and tried to convince him and myself. That I know for sure. We've been married over ten years. It's unusual for two people to be right for each other years down the road. I don't tell you this to give you hope. I tell you this to tell you to let go 100% right now. If you don't it also may affect your relationships with future women for two reasons -one because the longer you hold on emotionally the longer you forego opportunities to meet the right person and two because if you end up contacting her a lot/overwhelming her you risk developing a reputation for that kind of behavior. Or repeating it.

 

good luck!

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She's not ready to date and admitted that. Take it all with a pinch of salt. This could have gone on a lot longer in a one-sided manner and that's worse. The whole I'm not feeling strong enough about this is really a person telling you that they don't have enough space right now to give (there's not much else to give and she's maxed out and numb). Thank your lucky stars she's honest because there are a lot of people walking and talking out there who don't even verbalize this. Now you have an opportunity to free up your time and your world. Give yourself a few more weeks. You'll bounce back.

 

This.

 

And before admitting it in very clear language in a way few people have the capacity to do? It appears she showed you this, in actions, making it pretty clear that she remained pretty caught up in her ex, still extricating herself emotionally from that chapter in her life. I understand the instinct to minimize that—been there and, in ways, I think the beginning of all relationships requires such rolls of the dice—but it seems that those "not great signs" were exactly that.

 

The thing you really want in the world, and spent a short amount of time exploring with her, is simply not in her to give. That means some hurt, yes, but it also means that you get to remain open, or reopen, to discovering that in a way that is more sincere and sustainable than this.

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All of theses are red flags you chose to ignore.

 

I know.. For some reason I thought it would be ok. She had told me that talking to her ex didn't bother her, and she never told me about any residual feelings for him. Although I have to admit, we sat down and talked about a month ago and, as I remember, she told me that even though she broke up with him she was still hurting, and that her "heart felt closed". I gave her an "out" at this point--I told her that if she needed space, wanted to see other people, or just to go our separate ways that we could, but she said she didn't want that (to be honest neither did I). She said she just wanted to go slow and not put labels on anything, which I was fine with. Everything seemed fine after that. Better to be honest (from my point of view). Then she blindsided me with that breakup text, which was a week after getting the kidney infection and going off birth control. That's also why I thought those factors could've have something to do with it. I mean it when I say I didn't see this coming that week either... I had just spent the night at her place two nights in a row while she was sick (sunday and monday) because she wanted me to, and on wednesday--just a day before she broke it off--she let me buy this halloween costume for her dog. By "let" I mean I sent her the link saying I wanted to buy it for the pup and she told me which size to buy. Then a day later she dumps me. Can you see why I'm confused? On top of that, we had a trip to the beach scheduled for two weeks from now that I had made reservations for, AND she said she wanted to be there for me when I moved to my new place (next month).

 

She's not ready to date and admitted that. Take it all with a pinch of salt. This could have gone on a lot longer in a one-sided manner and that's worse. The whole I'm not feeling strong enough about this is really a person telling you that they don't have enough space right now to give (there's not much else to give and she's maxed out and numb). Thank your lucky stars she's honest because there are a lot of people walking and talking out there who don't even verbalize this. Now you have an opportunity to free up your time and your world. Give yourself a few more weeks. You'll bounce back.

 

I don't totally understand the bolded. Can you explain it?

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It sounds like you dodged a bullet. She went back to her ex. They are 'still talking" which means on/off and reconciling. Sadly your confusion has nothing to do with you, it has to do with her ongoing conversations with her ex.

I remember, she told me that even though she broke up with him she was still hurting, and that her "heart felt closed". I wanted to buy it for the pup and she told me which size to buy. Then a day later she dumps me.
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It sounds like you dodged a bullet. She went back to her ex. They are 'still talking" which means on/off and reconciling. Sadly your confusion has nothing to do with you, it has to do with her ongoing conversations with her ex.

 

I would 100% believe that she went back with him, however... One of the reasons she ended it, that she told me, was because he was moving to another state (hours away) and she didn't want to go with him. So it would be difficult for them to be together.

 

The other two reasons were pre-cheating behavior from him and they were very rarely intimate.

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I know.. For some reason I thought it would be ok. She had told me that talking to her ex didn't bother her, and she never told me about any residual feelings for him. Although I have to admit, we sat down and talked about a month ago and, as I remember, she told me that even though she broke up with him she was still hurting, and that her "heart felt closed". I gave her an "out" at this point--I told her that if she needed space, wanted to see other people, or just to go our separate ways that we could, but she said she didn't want that (to be honest neither did I). She said she just wanted to go slow and not put labels on anything, which I was fine with. Everything seemed fine after that. Better to be honest (from my point of view). Then she blindsided me with that breakup text, which was a week after getting the kidney infection and going off birth control. That's also why I thought those factors could've have something to do with it. I mean it when I say I didn't see this coming that week either... I had just spent the night at her place two nights in a row while she was sick (sunday and monday) because she wanted me to, and on wednesday--just a day before she broke it off--she let me buy this halloween costume for her dog. By "let" I mean I sent her the link saying I wanted to buy it for the pup and she told me which size to buy. Then a day later she dumps me. Can you see why I'm confused? On top of that, we had a trip to the beach scheduled for two weeks from now that I had made reservations for, AND she said she wanted to be there for me when I moved to my new place (next month).

 

On one hand, yes, I certainly understand why you're confused. On the other, and I realize this is easy to say from the bleacher seats, it seems you saw this coming.

 

Imagine that, once upon a time, I nearly drowned while swimming in the ocean. Now, imagine I decide I'm ready to go swimming again a few months after that experience. When the water hits my toes, it's awesome! Ditto my shins, my thighs, my waist. Invigorating! Then a wave comes and, in ducking it, I'm a little freaked when my feet no longer can touch the ground. I try to ignore this, since I know ocean swimming is something I want from life, and so I go out a bit deeper. Alas, now all I'm thinking about is whether I might drown again. The experience of going deeper stirred up the past, eclipsing the present, letting me know that I wasn't as ready for a swim as I thought.

 

Applying that metaphor to you and her? When she was shin-deep in this new relationship, everything was fine. Her near-drowning experience—i.e. her last relationship—was not so devouring. But when she went deeper, when she got more intimate with you—two nights being taken care of while she was sick, co-shopping for Halloween pet costumes, coupledom stuff—it was just too much. Stirred up the past, eclipsed the present. Let her know that was still too freaked about drowning to really swim, with you.

 

Small things I'd maybe take away from this? When, three months in, you're having heart to hearts with someone about their ex, about the pain from that chapter, and trying to coddle and accommodate that pain (by moving slow, by being "cool" with seeing others, by whatever), the odds are very high that, potent and vulnerable as those exchanges can be, you are not building a foundation with a very good chance of stabilizing. In other words, while you saw those talks as productive, I think, all in all, you want to be in something where those talks don't even exist because someone has already had that conversation, with themselves, so they can have new ones with you.

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It could be that she was using you to get over her ex and when she realized she couldn't get over him (because people need time and space to grieve and move on) - she tried quite hard to tell you (heart closed comment and wearing a shirt with his name on it in front of you) but you made excuses for it all.

 

When you stayed, she felt bad and might have even forced herself to try to like you but it was all an act. Don't feel bad or confused. It's a lesson to learn.

Don't emotionally invest in someone who just broke up from a long-term commitment.

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I know.. For some reason I thought it would be ok. She had told me that talking to her ex didn't bother her, and she never told me about any residual feelings for him. Although I have to admit, we sat down and talked about a month ago and, as I remember, she told me that even though she broke up with him she was still hurting, and that her "heart felt closed". I gave her an "out" at this point--I told her that if she needed space, wanted to see other people, or just to go our separate ways that we could, but she said she didn't want that (to be honest neither did I). She said she just wanted to go slow and not put labels on anything, which I was fine with. Everything seemed fine after that. Better to be honest (from my point of view). Then she blindsided me with that breakup text, which was a week after getting the kidney infection and going off birth control. That's also why I thought those factors could've have something to do with it. I mean it when I say I didn't see this coming that week either... I had just spent the night at her place two nights in a row while she was sick (sunday and monday) because she wanted me to, and on wednesday--just a day before she broke it off--she let me buy this halloween costume for her dog. By "let" I mean I sent her the link saying I wanted to buy it for the pup and she told me which size to buy. Then a day later she dumps me. Can you see why I'm confused? On top of that, we had a trip to the beach scheduled for two weeks from now that I had made reservations for, AND she said she wanted to be there for me when I moved to my new place (next month).

 

 

 

I don't totally understand the bolded. Can you explain it?

 

I'm sorry. I clearly didn't have enough coffee this morning. What I meant was explained by Bluecastle again just above #12 (thank you). There's only so much a person has to give if they're still grieving or mourning another relationship. The confusion you're experiencing comes from a confused person. She's not bad - just confused. That's very kind of you to go out on a limb and try a relationship with her. Leave things for now. When someone is truly ready to be with you or wants to be with you/sees something meaningful and wonderful in the future with you, she won't feel this way or speak to you this way. Give yourself time to heal and distance yourself a little from all this. It's not working. Best to spend time on your hobbies, with your friends, go back to your core - your beliefs, loves, values, things you find important in life.

 

Sometimes we try on a shoe and it just doesn't fit. Maybe it's a rather fancy shoe or a shoe we've always wanted in the window or we've watched to go on sale or it represents something else and means a lot to us if we had that very pair of shoes. Wherever you're buying it from doesn't have your size or suddenly it's discontinued and you're out of a pair of shoes you always had your eye on. Think of meeting the right person that way. Waiting isn't all that bad and it gives you time to work things out on your end, figure out why this person still appeals to you even though she's refused or unwilling or not able to love you the way you ought to be loved.

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And now there are two people hurting and on the rebound...

 

Yes, that's the unfortunate fall-out when someone who isn't ready to date decided to ignore their instincts and better judgment. It's not fair to the other party (you, in this case) but it happens. You will be okay again. Take your time to heal and have no further contact with her, hard as that will be.

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You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection.

 

Yikes! Why didnt you ask her the all time classic while you were at it ? "Are you on your period" :eek:

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Hi FeelSoAlone

 

Firstly, I just want to say I'm really sorry for what you are going through, and can very much empathise.

 

Nearly 3 years ago I met someone on a dating site and we dated for 2 and half months. She seemed to like me and then started to cool off....it got so bad I had to ask her if she still liked me. Her reply was so similar to your exes, 'I thought romantic feelings would come but they haven't'. In her case she wanted us to stay friends, but I knew I couldn't. She had been with her ex for 10 years (married for four of them) and had a son with him, she was 1 year out of the marriage with the divorce going through and clearly looking back, I was a rebound.

 

I struggle with Codependency issues which has made my recovery longer, but I just wanted to say that we are here for you mate, we really are. Stay strong.

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