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Husband chose sister’s feelings over mine


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I’ve been dealing with an awful sister in law for a long time now. It’s one thing after another. The whole family is fairly certain that she has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She will randomly decide she is mad at someone for no reason. My husband’s ex whom she didn’t get along with when she was with him is now someone she is obsessed with and just loves so much. I know it’s just to bother me. Anyways, she purposely didn’t invite me to her kid’s birthday party but invited my husband. He decided to go without telling me. I am bothered because I feel like he chose her feelings over mine and did exactly what she wanted him to do. I just feel like if someone purposely didn’t invite my husband to something to be mean, I wouldn’t go. I feel that him going and not saying anything about how it was wrong for her to do that, he’s sending her the message that it’s okay and acceptable to treat his wife poorly. What should I do? He doesn’t even want to hear what I have to say about it.

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Totally agree with the others. Your husband is the problem. If you tried talking to him and he won't even listen or doesn't support you? Why are you in this marriage?

 

I probably would stop being a wife to him. You know only talking about the children, shutting down romantically, only doing chores that support me and the children... Cooking for me and kids, doing only the kids and my laundry.

 

I would just so mad, hurt and disappointed. That the man I chose to dedicate my life to would treat me so poorly and embarrass me this way in front of his family. not having my back.... Then he can't have my front.

 

I probably would be looking to separate. And I would not leave the house because it's half mine. It would be tough but actions speak louder than words. I don't know if I could forgive this.

 

Did he already go to the party? What happened when he came back?

 

Edited to add... Maybe forgive us the wrong term. If he doesn't see the problem, to be forgiven, I couldn't move passed it

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Marshmallow, If it isn't the family, it is your husband. When are you going to make some changes? Same old, same old. I suggest you read through your threads to understand that this is not a healthy relationship.

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He normally does listen and care about my feelings to an extent, unless it has to do with his sister or probably anyone in his family. He keeps saying that I'm mad at him for going to a party, which shows he hasn't listened to a word I've said. Yes, he already went to the party. I didn't even know he went until he came home (I thought he was working) and he had cake and I asked where it came from. That's when he told me. He straight up told me "it was either piss her off or piss you off."

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He didn't go for her, he went for his niece/nephew. Not going because you two are feuding wouldn't be right. Adult issues should be left for the adults, leave the kids out of it. Have a talk with your husband about trying to resolve things with his sister, but also calmly express how his avoidance to help has hurt you. If he doesn't, well what can you do?...nothing really. It's very possible he figures, since his sis has been this way for years, she will get over it and best not to rock the boat.

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The same problems of disrespect have been going on for years. Why would you expect anything to change? Either accept that this dynamic will continue, or YOU can make some changes. Complaining about things does not make things better, action does.

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At least he's honest about why. He doesn't want to get in your catfight. This is his niece/nephew? He should stand by you, but if you create a ruckus with his family he may want to appease them once in a while when it comes to the children.

He straight up told me "it was either piss her off or piss you off."
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He didn't go for her, he went for his niece/nephew. Not going because you two are feuding wouldn't be right. Adult issues should be left for the adults, leave the kids out of it. Have a talk with your husband about trying to resolve things with his sister, but also calmly express how his avoidance to help has hurt you. If he doesn't, well what can you do?...nothing really. It's very possible he figures, since his sis has been this way for years, she will get over it and best not to rock the boat.

 

His niece turned 2 and he's seen her 3 times since she was born. Trust me, he didn't go for the niece. He went so he wouldn't piss off his sister.

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Well, there is the answer he'd rather you be mad than her. I say this not to be rude but where is your self esteem and self respect?

 

You are married to a man that would rather appease a sister he's seen 3 times in 2 years, (if we use the same number of visits for the neice) then the woman he is married to and lives with.

 

Great guy.

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Well, there is the answer he'd rather you be mad than her. I say this not to be rude but where is your self esteem and self respect?

 

You are married to a man that would rather appease a sister he's seen 3 times in 2 years, (if we use the same number of visits for the neice) then the woman he is married to and lives with.

 

Great guy.

 

Good point.

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Even if you don't get along, he may want to keep the peace. And he can't have peace with you and he can't have peace with her. Just stay out of his family situations.

His niece turned 2 and he's seen her 3 times since she was born. Trust me, he didn't go for the niece. He went so he wouldn't piss off his sister.
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Anyways, she purposely didn’t invite me to her kid’s birthday party but invited my husband. He decided to go without telling me. I am bothered because I feel like he chose her feelings over mine and did exactly what she wanted him to do. I just feel like if someone purposely didn’t invite my husband to something to be mean, I wouldn’t go. I feel that him going and not saying anything about how it was wrong for her to do that, he’s sending her the message that it’s okay and acceptable to treat his wife poorly. What should I do? He doesn’t even want to hear what I have to say about it.

 

I think it's really weird that he didn't tell you where he was going.

 

Personally, I'd probably take the same approach that you do: don't hang out with people that are irrationally hostile and hurtful towards my boyfriend.

 

However, I can make the stretch to understand why he would choose to go: he probably wanted to keep the peace in his family.

 

That being said, why not tell you about it?? And why refuse to listen to your feelings on the matter??

 

I guess you are a piece of furniture.

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"Premeditated divorce, is it wrong?

So basically, my husband and I have a lot of issues. The biggest one being financial issues. He refuses to get a joint bank account, makes 3x as much money as i do, but keeps his money all for himself and makes me pay for the majority of things. I have to beg and plead with him to pay me back for stuff constantly. I also have to work 2 jobs (full time teacher + 2nd job) just to because he won’t “share”. I work 12-14 hours a day. He also expects me to do all of the cleaning and cooking. I’m miserable. I started working on my masters degree about 6 months ago. Before I started, my husband agreed that he would pay for half of my tuition. Then he gave me a hard time about paying for half the first time we had to pay for it. I had to pitch a fit to get the money from him. Since I threw such a huge tantrum, he has surprisingly continued to pay half each time it’s due. I will be finished in a year and a half and am planning on divorcing him as soon as I’m finished with school. I just know I can’t afford it on my own. I feel guilty because I feel like I am technically using him, but then again I feel like I deserve to at least get half of my tuition paid for by him after all he’s put me through. I’m interested to hear others’ opinions..".

 

This and everything else, yet you stay. I thought you were going to leave?

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There's always student aid...

 

There seem to be a lot of issues with his family and you're not fitting in. I'm finding it really hard to believe that so many people could be against you. What is going on?? It's like a twilight zone there or they appear like aliens to you or treat you as one. I can't imagine your stress levels on a daily basis.

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