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Husband chose sister’s feelings over mine


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Thank you, this was actually helpful. Thank you for not judging me and for advice other than “get divorced.”

 

You're very welcome, Marshmellow12.

 

Even though our stories are not the same, I've been in similar situations such as yours.

 

Always think of a work around so everyone is satisfied and at peace. Mind you, it's not always optimal nor ideal. However, do whatever it takes to enforce healthy boundaries for yourself, your husband, his sister or anyone else who will always be in disagreement.

 

Not everyone sees issues eye to eye with you nor will they ever comprehend and grasp injustices. This is how life is. No one ever said life was fair. However, do the best you can given the circumstances.

 

There are disagreements between spouses. If you can't resolve it, then go to 'Plan B' which is bowing out, learning how to enjoy your independence and your own free time. Let everyone do their own thing and then reconvene with your husband after he was with his sister or relatives. Keep the peace. I've been in your shoes many times.

 

You can pick and choose your friends. You can't pick and choose family. However, you have the right to pick and choose which scenarios you wish to place yourself in or NOT place yourself in.

 

Also, it's human nature for you or me to want to have control in life. I'm not referring to controlling our husbands. I refer to controlling and navigating your or my life in a healthy way. Never place yourself in toxic, dysfunctional situations nor risk confrontations.

 

Whenever I'm with people whom I do not like, I'm civil and polite yet not close. I maintain a safe distance.

 

If I know I won't be happy at certain environments, I deliberately do not attend particular social events.

 

And, if you're uninvited yet your husband is invited, don't get angry. Don't be mad. Step back and look at the big picture instead. Be GLAD and RELIEVED that you were uninvited because you wouldn't want to attend anyway. Let him attend while you do something during your free time. Take it as a gift which fell onto your lap. I'd feel giddy if I were you. I'd be kicking my heels. There are numerous ways to enjoy your break. Get your rest, take a nap, watch a great movie, read a great book, meet a friend for a meal, gab on the phone with your friend, work on a craft or hobby, exercise, take your dog for a walk (if you have a dog), cook, eat a delicious meal or work on a project uninterrupted without distractions. Your options are limitless.

 

Divide and conquer. You don't have to do everything with your husband nor be somewhere together with him all the time. Separation, independence and taking breaks from each other is healthy. My husband and sons are with his relatives and they have a good time while I feel giddy as I enjoy my blissful break!

 

I see your point about wanting your husband to be on your team. Of course, you want your husband to stand up to his family, defend you and tell them that they either have to accept you or he'll decline their invitations. I would want that, too. However, there are times when there's discord and suggestions of divorce to cure this problem is not the answer. If your husband balks regarding choosing sides, then have him attend while you enjoy your break. (Kiddie birthday parties and obligatory family reunions are way overrated and so boring anyway!)

 

Take a negative situation and transform it into happiness for yourself. All is not doom and gloom. Turn this around into your favor, benefit and advantage! This is what I've been doing for years and I couldn't be happier.

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Going on and on about what a monster she is won't help you. It will however encourage your husband to get out of the line of your fire .

 

The bottom line is it doesn't matter how much you hate her. You're just making yourself old and bitter fast

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The whole family is fairly certain that she has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She will randomly decide she is mad at someone for no reason.

 

I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call her menatally I’ll. Rude? Yes. But it seems to stem from the fact that she wanted my husband to marry his ex. And she doesn’t like that I’m close to her mom and she isn’t. I can’t change either of those things for her though. It’s really just weird. She didn’t invite me to the party for some reason she made up in her head because she’s mad at me for being close to her family and because she’s mad at me for not being like my husband’s ex. If she had a legit reason to treat me poorly, trust me, I’d get it. I know she also doesn’t get along with her own in laws and her mother in law is obsessed with her husband’s ex fiancé. I don’t know if she’s upset about that and projects it onto me to make her feel better or what.

 

Interesting that you don't want to admit she has a mental illness when you agree her reasoning isn't "legit," and when her whole family believes that she is bipolar. Do you just want to justify arguing with her? What's the reward here? Why is this fight so important to you? Let it go, Elsa.

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Marshmellow.

 

Just one year ago you got excellent advice on this same issue. Remember?

 

You said then:

 

"So basically, when I don’t like someone, I don’t want other people to like them either."

 

Adding:

 

"I have had low self-esteem and insecurities for most of my life".

 

So, how are you getting along with addressing these issues? Would you be fit to take Cherlyn's advice:

 

"Take a negative situation and transform it into happiness for yourself. All is not doom and gloom. Turn this around into your favor, benefit and advantage! "

 

Or, remember "act, don't react".

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OP is clearly upset at the fact he went at all, not that he did it behind her back. That much is as loudly obvious as it gets from the thread title alone. And even if that were the case, so what? No, it's not a healthy dynamic if someone has to resort to ducking out of the house to go to a sibling's party. It's also not healthy to foster such a toxic dynamic whereby someone feels like that's the best course of action to take. At the end of the day, the only tangible result is the OP didn't get to hang out with a woman she so extremely loathes, but evidently has to live with the utterly despotic reality that her husband did. And besides all that, the sister didn't invite people who have or have had a much more personal connection with her, so I'm not sure what cause there is to internalize it as some huge personal slight.

 

So much drama over nothing of consequence. The husband has a mentally unhinged sister whose life he'd prefer to stay in. I'd make the same choice. I also married a woman who has the emotional maturity to see something like that plainly for what it is rather than treat it as some petty contest for affection.

 

I don't care enough to dig through your post history, but if your marriage is and apparently has been on the rocks, that needs to be tackled much more constructively, preferably with a professional mediator at this point.

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OP is clearly upset at the fact he went at all, not that he did it behind her back. That much is as loudly obvious as it gets from the thread title alone. And even if that were the case, so what? No, it's not a healthy dynamic if someone has to resort to ducking out of the house to go to a sibling's party. It's also not healthy to foster such a toxic dynamic whereby someone feels like that's the best course of action to take. At the end of the day, the only tangible result is the OP didn't get to hang out with a woman she so extremely loathes, but evidently has to live with the utterly despotic reality that her husband did. And besides all that, the sister didn't invite people who have or have had a much more personal connection with her, so I'm not sure what cause there is to internalize it as some huge personal slight.

 

So much drama over nothing of consequence. The husband has a mentally unhinged sister whose life he'd prefer to stay in. I'd make the same choice. I also married a woman who has the emotional maturity to see something like that plainly for what it is rather than treat it as some petty contest for affection.

 

I don't care enough to dig through your post history, but if your marriage is and apparently has been on the rocks, that needs to be tackled much more constructively, preferably with a professional mediator at this point.

 

^^^ Agree with this.

 

I WOULD have a problem with him not telling me about it - I would have a conversation "you don't have to sneak. If you feel you need to be at a party at your sister's, go, but let me know. i won't argue, i just don't want to be kept in the dark."

 

I think that your husband does not tell you is because you would freak out about it and he can't handle you both freaking out. he is trying to maintain a relationship for the sake of her kids as tenuous as it may be.

 

My guy would have the attitude that if i'm not welcome (unless its just a get together that is just guys), that we don't have to go - but on the other hand, we do not have relatives with a mental illness like that.

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