Need decrypting

[Jibralta]

but then why does he say, even if he has kids he would like to take them around and show the world etc?

This is confusing, if he is being really CLEAR then he should not have added this extra info?

 

I imagined my life with kids before I ultimately decided not to have them. It's a normal part of a decision-making process. You imagine possibilities, positives and negatives, before you decide.

 

You should be focusing on the fact that he doesn't know what he wants, and that IF he decides to have kids, it won't be in the near future.

 

You want kids in the next 2 years. 24 months. Subtracting 9 months for pregnancy, you have only 15 months to get this train rolling. 15 months constitutes a pretty near future. This is not the guy.

[LaHermes]

So, going back to your op.

 

"....the chat was around what each one of us want from life and especially around travelling."

 

I feel that,moving on to the next prospective man, you would do well to lay on the line from day one that you want marriage and children. Again you have said you will not have children out of wedlock.

 

I agree with Jibralta that this present person doesn't quite know WHAT he wants.

 

Since travel is high on your agenda by the looks of it, can I say that one can marry, have children, have a home and still travel. People do it all the time. They don't have to become nomads to do it either. Mind you, travel can cost, aside from which not everyone can take six months or a year off to see the world. So, if you want both, then finances come into the picture, quite heavily.

 

Perhaps you need to seek out different types to those you have been dealing with over the past while. Men with some sort of good idea of what they want.

[melancholy123]

settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me, - this I agree with. It is indeed hell for me too. I am not a very domestic person but I WANT kids in the next 2 years. I don't know if he wants it. I cannot wait around for 4 years and realise he does not want kids.

Well, travelling who isn't excited about it.

 

It's only been TWO dates! If you want to know how he feels about kids, ask him!

[SooSad33]

You have been on 2 dates... He has given you a rundown on who he is and what he wants in his life.

 

You two do not know each other at all yet.. right?

So have NO way of knowing IF you are at all 'compatible'.. Is good though, that he has explained himself to some extent.

Can give YOU a heads up?

 

Now.. dont run with this stuff that was said.. and don't assume anything.. Nor expect anything.

 

At this point.. is also for YOU to decide.. do you truly feel this will go anywhere - to which YOU want it to?

 

Yes, many guys will lead you on for a while.. to have some quick action, etc. So, if you are seriously looking for more than a guy like this.. do not risk getting involved- full force.

[itsallgrand]

In my experience, the men who were very much wanting marriage and children soon were upfront about that and there was no room for guessing. This man is telling you straight up he does not have marriage and children as a goal. This should be a no brainer incompatibility for you with what you state you want.

[TanyaJo]

You have been on 2 dates... He has given you a rundown on who he is and what he wants in his life.

 

You two do not know each other at all yet.. right?

So have NO way of knowing IF you are at all 'compatible'.. Is good though, that he has explained himself to some extent.

Can give YOU a heads up?

 

Now.. dont run with this stuff that was said.. and don't assume anything.. Nor expect anything.

 

At this point.. is also for YOU to decide.. do you truly feel this will go anywhere - to which YOU want it to?

 

Yes, many guys will lead you on for a while.. to have some quick action, etc. So, if you are seriously looking for more than a guy like this.. do not risk getting involved- full force.

 

Thank you SooSad33, very helpful. I have to go for what I want.

[TanyaJo]

In my experience, the men who were very much wanting marriage and children soon were upfront about that and there was no room for guessing. This man is telling you straight up he does not have marriage and children as a goal. This should be a no brainer incompatibility for you with what you state you want.

 

Thank you for the insight.

[bluecastle]

but then why does he say, even if he has kids he would like to take them around and show the world etc?

This is confusing, if he is being really CLEAR then he should not have added this extra info?

 

I think you're reaching a bit, more eager to hear your version of his story than his.

 

When I was dating, for instance, I explained my attitude about marriage and children somewhat similarly. Wasn't "anti" either, but neither were goals. Maybe they happened, maybe not, but the kind of partnership I was seeking was not really about the pursuit of either. Do I understand how that could sound frustrating or wishy-washy to someone who knew they wanted those things? Of course. Fortunately, there are lots of people roaming the earth and all we need is one who is comforted, rather than thrown, when we tell them who we are.

 

It's awesome to want to be married, to want children. It's awesome to not want those things, or be somewhere in the middle. In your shoes, with him and men in general, I'd just focus on whether what's awesome in you lines up, sincerely, to what's awesome in him.

[TanyaJo]

I think you're reaching a bit, more eager to hear your version of his story than his.

 

When I was dating, for instance, I explained my attitude about marriage and children somewhat similarly. Wasn't "anti" either, but neither were goals. Maybe they happened, maybe not, but the kind of partnership I was seeking was not really about the pursuit of either. Do I understand how that could sound frustrating or wishy-washy to someone who knew they wanted those things? Of course. Fortunately, there are lots of people roaming the earth and all we need is one who is comforted, rather than thrown, when we tell them who we are.

 

It's awesome to want to be married, to want children. It's awesome to not want those things, or be somewhere in the middle. In your shoes, with him and men in general, I'd just focus on whether what's awesome in you lines up, sincerely, to what's awesome in him.

 

That may be it. He really wants someone who goes with the flow and I am someone who needs certainty before moving on. We are just different people.

[Batya33]

That may be it. He really wants someone who goes with the flow and I am someone who needs certainty before moving on. We are just different people.

 

No -he needs someone who doesn't want to stay in one place for any particular period of time and to be ready to travel at a moment's notice. Many many people have goals, stay in one place for long periods of time, have structure and a routine AND also go with the flow within that structure. His version of go with the flow is very specific. He told you. Right away. And now right away you know you two don't have compatible goals.

[catfeeder]

The only reason you find his message difficult to understand is that it's telling you what you don't want to hear.

 

Don't pretzel yourself and YOUR true desires for anyone. Either someone fits with what YOU want, or they don't. Most people we meet are NOT good matches, and that's not bad news when we're only looking for ONE RIGHT match.

 

This guy may be likable, but he's making it clear that he doesn't see his future through a lens that matches yours. That's not rejection, it's just being honest about who he is.

 

When you've got clarity about What You Want in a partner, you won't be confused by anyone who doesn't match your vision.

 

Head high, and do you.

[LaHermes]

Tanya.

 

We are all different people. That's what makes us interesting lol.

 

This man has made his intentions clear. He wants to be a nomad, not get married. You don't wish to have children out of wedlock, which means you wish to get married, but, but, you are "excited" about travel. Once again, with feeling,

 

You can be married, with children and still take time to travel. I know people with children who took six months off and travelled. Mind you, they had the means (substantial) to support taking such a step.

 

However, all that is beside the point, as he does not wish to marry, and his aim in life is to be the "ramblin' gypsy rover".

[Tinydance]

I think if you are on a time frame of when you really want to have kids, you do actually need to be with someone that wants them soon too. If the guy is saying: "I want kids someday, but just not now." That is probably the wrong person for you. "Someday" could end up being in five years or more. Men can actually have kids anytime so some are in no rush at all. My ex-fiance said he wanted kids and we talked about it a few times. Then all of a sudden he said he's "too young" to have them yet and he would only want to have them in the far future or something. He's actually 30. Because men can biologically have children even in their 40's, a lot of men are in no particular hurry.

 

This guy has been very clear that marriage and kids are not his actual goals. It doesn't mean he's against them, it just means he has other priorities. His priorities right now are travelling and living a free spirited life. So in fact your current goals are very different. I mean, if you want to try another couple of dates to know more about him, you could do that. But just continue dating other guys and keep your options open. He doesn't really sound like the right match. Unless he meant just travelling in the next year, and after that he may be open to kids.

[TanyaJo]

I think if you are on a time frame of when you really want to have kids, you do actually need to be with someone that wants them soon too. If the guy is saying: "I want kids someday, but just not now." That is probably the wrong person for you. "Someday" could end up being in five years or more. Men can actually have kids anytime so some are in no rush at all. My ex-fiance said he wanted kids and we talked about it a few times. Then all of a sudden he said he's "too young" to have them yet and he would only want to have them in the far future or something. He's actually 30. Because men can biologically have children even in their 40's, a lot of men are in no particular hurry.

 

This guy has been very clear that marriage and kids are not his actual goals. It doesn't mean he's against them, it just means he has other priorities. His priorities right now are travelling and living a free spirited life. So in fact your current goals are very different. I mean, if you want to try another couple of dates to know more about him, you could do that. But just continue dating other guys and keep your options open. He doesn't really sound like the right match. Unless he meant just travelling in the next year, and after that he may be open to kids.

 

Thank you very much!!!. This is a very practical and a helpful suggestion. I'll keep my options open at this point.

[TanyaJo]

thanks everyone for the advice and recommendations. It was really insightful as always :)

[Cherylyn]

No decrypting necessary. He's plain as day and VERY clear.

 

He wishes to be carefree, doesn't want to be tied down to marriage nor children. He wants free bird status, do what he wants, go where he wants, when he wants. In other words HE DOES NOT WANT A COMMITMENT WITH YOU. He wants his freedom to the hilt. He doesn't want constraints nor anything that binds him legally or not. He wants to enjoy his bachelorhood ON HIS TERMS ONLY.

 

If you don't like what he told you, don't continue dating him. He wants flexibility in his life and if you're only temporary, oh well, you're just another number. He's a player. He's not serious nor honorable. Beware.

 

The one "good" thing about him is that he was honest and up front with you. You have a chance to bail now, be with someone who sincerely wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have what both of you desire such as settling down, residing in a house, having a family, etc.

 

I've known several girlfriends who were deceived for years and they eventually and painfully discovered that their guys never intended to have a serious commitment whatsoever. This refers to a long term relationship or marriage. My girlfriends wasted years on men who deceived them. At least your guy told you exactly how he feels and now it's your turn to make your decision regarding whether or not you want to continue seeing him. You have choices.

[bluecastle]

He wants flexibility in his life and if you're only temporary, oh well, you're just another number. He's a player. He's not serious nor honorable. Beware.

 

I didn't see any of this in what he told her. Is he a player because he is not pursuing marriage? Is a life focused on travel less serious than a life focused on a mortgage? Is it dishonorable to know what you want, and don't, and to be honest about that?

 

I certainly agree that, given what he has said about his own vision for the future, that he is probably not a great bet for someone, like OP, who would like to be married and pregnant within the next 15 months. But I don't see why it has to be so negative, rather than two people with different sets of terms—neither more valid than the other, if maybe not in alignment.

[Batya33]

I didn't see any of this in what he told her. Is he a player because he is not pursuing marriage? Is a life focused on travel less serious than a life focused on a mortgage? Is it dishonorable to know what you want, and don't, and to be honest about that?

 

I certainly agree that, given what he has said about his own vision for the future, that he is probably not a great bet for someone, like OP, who would like to be married and pregnant within the next 15 months. But I don't see why it has to be so negative, rather than two people with different sets of terms—neither more valid than the other, if maybe not in alignment.

 

I felt exactly the same way. I see a lot of bias against and negative generalizations about people who choose not to marry/be involved long term or choose not to have a child.

[LaHermes]

As I said earlier, this is who he is, and he said so to the OP.

 

He wants to be a nomad. she doesn't. Or, more correctly, right now he wants to be a nomad.

[TanyaJo]

Thanks for all the thoughts. I agree with bluecastle here, I don't think he is a player and he never came across so.

He is a very genuine person and unfortunately it seems we both want different things from life (atleast timing wise) which is a risk I do not wish to take.