went on a mini holiday with my crush & now struggling with feelings/what to do

[whatthe32]

So there's a girl i work with and I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life, around 6 months ago i felt like she was interested in me as was always making eye contact etc.. we started chatting, dancing and stuff & eventually I asked her for a proper date and she said "maybe but i've kind of got a situation" but later that night was upset over her ex. I decided to completely hang back a couple months to give her time to move on...

 

When we started talking more again it felt a bit less romantic, i'm very shy unless drunk so struggle to flirt or show my feelings, despite this we have been hanging out on group video chats or more recently hanging out every weekend and my feelings for her have grown significantly, i've never directly said how i feel but i've told mutual friends and feel confident she knows.

 

last weekend we went on a trip together and with 1 mutual friend we stayed over for a few nights had our own pool and went to the beach etc.. it made me get to know her better and I now feel like i love her. Problem is i'm still really nervous around her without alcohol i struggle to be myself and i'm pretty certain she currently doesn't feel the same about me.

 

Because we have the same friend group i'm always going to spend time with her and it's starting to effect my mental health being so fond of someone that doesn't like me back, I feel like i should put it behind me and try to move on but part of me feels like once i become more comfortable and can completely be myself she might start to feel the same.

 

 

any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

What happened on weekend trip that made you certain she doesn't feel the same?

[whatthe32]

What happened on weekend trip that made you certain she doesn't feel the same?

 

Nothing specific happened just generally how she was towards me, no flirting or much effort to get to know me better, the times when it was just the 2 of us felt a little strange sometimes, felt like she knows i like her a lot and it makes it kinda awkward cause she doesn't. Plus i was very drunk the weekend before telling her best friend how i feel, so sure that got back to her.

 

I wish i had just directly said i like her earlier, but now i'm pretty sure she already knows, not sure i have the bottle to tell her now when i'm 99% expecting rejection, and it will created more awkwardness with us and our friendship group for the future.

[Wiseman2]

Don't blurt out your feelings. She seems to know already. If you want to impress her, stay sober.

[Tinydance]

Well to be really honest, you're probably right in that she doesn't like you back. I'm sure even though you're shy, it's still obvious that you like her. From the way you look at her and your body language and everything. You have also previously asked her out on a date and that is a very clear sign that you like her! That was not subtle, it was clear to her you want to date her. She didn't agree to go out with you though. I don't think she really had a "situation". I think she was just trying to turn you down politely.

 

One thing I find helps me to move on from someone is to very directly tell them how I feel about them. And to ask them to tell me if they feel the same or not. I've usually done that in the past. Then if the person said they didn't feel the same, I actually found it easier to start moving on because I knew I had no chance with them. Before I got a straight answer from them, I normally kept wondering " what if". Do you think you could try to get this girl alone and express how you feel? Then see what she says.

 

If she turns you down, do you have a plan of how you might try to get over her? For example, can you make one-on-one time with the other friends without her? Maybe trying to focus on your hobbies and interests? Meeting new people?

[Andrina]

You think alcohol helps you, but trust me. It doesn't. You are an altered version of yourself, and in your mind you might find that you're more appealing to a woman when inebriated, but you're not. As you can see, in this case, it didn't work.

 

Be exactly who you are, and believe me, the right girl will be into you. In my experience, many couples are opposites as far as being introverts and extroverts, and it seems to work. Me and my dad are shy people. My mom and my husband are extroverts. I know many couples where that is the dynamic. You might find that an extrovert will be your match, because extroverts and people persons have a way of making you very comfortable.

 

I know that when I was a teen, I had a crush on a neighborhood boy, my friend's brother. He wasn't the flirtatious type with anyone, but really handsome. I still knew him in community college and it took an extroverted go-getter girl to ask him out and they are still married to this day. Shy people possess traits that certain people covet. Just because this one girl isn't your match doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

 

Confidence is the biggest attractor, so work on that by reading books and articles on how to boost yours. At the beginning, don't think you have to be flirtatious to have game. The right woman will be happy if you're just plain interested in her, asking her questions about her life, and enjoying spending time with her. When I was young and first started dating, I was drawn to more earthy guys who treated me like an interesting person without gushing over me. I was really leary of guys who flirted really easily with me, since I figured they had a lot of practice and they seemed like players.

 

As far as she is concerned, just start treating her like any of your other friends in your friend groups. Don't single her out to speak to individually. Avoid group outings for a while if that helps. Eventually, your crush will fade. It's not love. Love has to be shared by two people who have regularly dated and it's transformed past the beginning infatuation stage.

 

Please avoid alcohol. You don't want it to turn into a crutch and become an alcoholic. I have many relatives who are now sober, and the are far happier people now that they no longer imbibe in that addiction. Life is stressful enough not to add a huge problem on top of it.

 

If it's a gf you want, seek out other activities like co-ed sports teams, Meetup.com activities in your age group like hiking, kayaking, going to festivals, etc.

 

Good luck and tell us how it goes.

[smackie9]

You are falling in love with someone you never really went on a date with, but over a weekend you have decided this....if she's getting that vibe from you she's gonna go distant on you. Too much dude, you need to take a step back and just hang out with her, and be kool about it. Your mental health? Better work on that if you want a nice relationship with this girl or some girl.

[whatthe32]

Andrina - Thanks , i loved this advice & yeah my confidence is a big issue!.. Something that i am working on. I only drink socially, at the same times as her so i'd feel a bit strange not drinking at all, but i don't think i'm at any risk of becoming an alcoholic. Knowing confidence is so important kinda sucks when you have little and improving it is one of the most difficult things in life! Nice to hear about the different personality types complimenting each other, reminds me that i don't have to try and pretend to be something i'm not. I think i am struggling a lot in the situation because the girl is probably out my league anyway i just felt a huge initial connection and assumed it was mutual so have continued to hope for something.

 

 

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smackie9 - yeah I know what you mean! Strong lust not love I should say, but even still I don't think my actions show to the degree i like her, i'm not even 100% sure she'd know i still like her if people hadn't told her. I try to act casual but can be hard with anxiety and feel like i'm not really presenting a good version of myself to her. Yeah mental health being worked on, my last relationship was very toxic that didn't help!

 

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Tinydance - agreed i feel like straight out telling her i like her and hearing her say whatever she says would help me move on but it's pretty terrifying to do so!

 

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wiseman2 - were usually get pretty similar levels of drunk when we're out together but i should probably tone it down a little

 

 

I am still conflicted in which direction to go

 

1. Work on myself, still hang around with her a lot and try become more confident & comfortable and hope something can materialize. Since i am so reserved i feel like i know her so well and she only knows a tiny bit of the real me and some of the drunk me.

 

2. find a way to directly tell her i like her just to get a direct rejection so i can move on and just deal with the awkwardness

[greendots]

Personally, I wouldn't say that she isn't interested in you just yet. Did her friend tell her? Also, if you are unable to be yourself around her when sober, then don't expect her to be flirty and all that. Plus, not everyone is great at reading body language. Yes, she rejected you before due to her situation with the ex. That situation may be resolved now. So you still have a shot.

 

Have you tried complimenting her, saying that you enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her... something along those lines? Nothing over the top. Just a simple compliment that shows how much you value and respect her! See how she responds to that. Also, positive vibes are attractive. So as per Wiseman's suggestion, stay sober. Be your cool amazing self! In the near future, I'd would ask her out again.

[DancingFool]

You are neck deep in all kinds of assumptions, but zero facts and no action.

 

Start with don't assume that her friend passed on your drunken wasted ramblings to the girl, as most people will not pay much attention to that, let alone take it seriously.

 

She might be distant around you because you are so deep in your head you are being awkward with her.

 

So try this - get out of your head, start living in the real world, ask her for a coffee or some kind of a date thing and see what she says. You'll get an answer one way or another and you can stop assuming. Most importantly, work on your confidence and don't assume that being drunk and acting like an azz is in any way attractive to women. Neither is too much bs and flirting. If you don't have it, then work with what you have - be genuine and that will take you way further than trying to be someone else. Goes back to stop assuming that you have to be this or women like that. Stop with all these assumptions.

[abitbroken]

Who goes on a trip with someone from work they have a crush on who has a boyfriend or is in the process of breaking up plus one friend as a buffer?

That only inflicts torture on yourself.

I would do my best to distance yourself. be cordial at work, but no trips, or no spending time with her and a beer to listen to her cry in her beer about a guy.

Find women to date where you don't need beer to talk to them. When you have things in common, it will come more naturally..

[Wiseman2]

She may not want to date heavy drinkers or party boys after coming out of a bad situation. Stop buzzing around in the friend zone. Back off, respect yourself and clean up your act

[Andrina]

I asked her for a proper date and she said "maybe but i've kind of got a situation" but later that night was upset over her ex.

 

Speaking as a woman, if there was a reason I had to turn down an invitation, but reconsidered at a later date, in my opinion, the ball is in my court to do the asking. A woman who is into you doesn't let opportunities pass her by. Most are also intuitive on who is interested. She doesn't need to be told that by anyone, including you.

 

You took a risk and it didn't pan out. I've taken risks that didn't work out either. A lot of the time, you find out later why that was for the best. I know I once briefly dated a guy who was really interesting, but I never achieved a comfort level with him. When I met my husband, we were really comfortable together almost instantly. Fate has someone else in store for you, just as it did for me.

[Capricorn3]

Maybe she wasn't crazy about the fact that you were mostly drunk during the mini holiday and it put her off.

[Rose Mosse]

Was everyone/most people including her drinking though?

 

Sounds like a typical enough weekend, people having a good time.

 

I don't think she's into you though. I'm sorry to say that. The worst part is I don't think it's you!

 

She's still getting over her ex and it sounds just exactly as she says... There's this... "situation".

 

It doesn't seem that anything's changed after two months. Let it be for now, laugh about it, hang out as friends, let go of all that pressure.

 

I think it's for the best that the both of you cool it and enjoy your company as friends. Take your time. Enjoy.

[whatthe32]

Sorry few things i was unclear about

 

The original time i asked for a date she had broken up for a few months already but just seen her ex for the first time since, and he called her that night and she was upset about it (i don't know much of the details but it was a real situation). I left it for a couple months but now in total it's been coming up to a year since the break up and she's completely over it.

 

The drinking although i agree it's not helping me come across well, we're all in our 20's and whenever we have met up everyone there has been drinking casually and having fun, so I would sorta be the odd one out if i didn't drink at all. With me being quite shy if i'm sober with a group of people drinking having fun i'm most likely going to sit there barely speaking all night lol.

 

Andrina yeah that makes sense, although after the night I asked, I pretty much distanced myself completely for a couple months didn't speak at all so could've looked like I wasn't interested anymore, as i didn't wanna be a rebound. Even though it was kind of a rejection I was still pretty confident I had a shot at this time, felt a lot of chemistry still walked her home after the night etc.. but now i think i've messed it up and feels a lot different.

 

Dancingfool Yeah I am neck deep in assumptions haha and i over analyse everything, I don't know for sure if she was ever interested, or what's been said to her, in future I will try be more direct and face fear of rejection as it's much more painful in the long run like this haha.

 

 

We are meeting again this weekend with a group of people I am going to give the not drinking or barely drinking a try and try and improve my social confidence without relying on alcohol, as well as try to bond with her a little better.

 

 

Thanks everyone for the advice!

[Wiseman2]

Good idea to try to develop social skills without getting drunk. You need to pull back. She already told you that she is not ready to date. So the message is loud and clear that she doesn't want this weight on her shoulders.

[whatthe32]

Good idea to try to develop social skills without getting drunk. You need to pull back. She already told you that she is not ready to date. So the message is loud and clear that she doesn't want this weight on her shoulders.

 

yep worth a shot. Well it was a "maybe" and that was about 6 months ago now so i think she's ready to date just with the right guy haha

[abitbroken]

I think she considers you "one of the group" only. And its really messy when someone is sort of dating someone or has a "situation". You may appear to her wanting to be the guy who is waiting in the wings for a quick rebound or she knows you like her, so it strokes her ego

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to leave her alone unless she comes to you.

I asked her for a proper date and she said "maybe but i've kind of got a situation" but later that night was upset over her ex.

[greendots]

Ditch any assumptions about her intentions towards you.

 

Be your best self during that outing, treat her with respect. Don't ignore her and don't refer to her as a friend because you want to keep the door open. If you have a chance to spent some time with her one on one, go for it. No pressure, just see where it leads and enjoy yourself. She'll pick up on your vibe and whether you're having a great time. Positive vibes are attractive.

[whatthe32]

Just an update..

 

I hung out with her everyday at the weekend and was pretty nice mostly no alcohol involved so pleased, however a guy joined us for the first time in a few months and she is clearly interested in him, so kinda heartbreaking. I am seeing her next weekend so i decided to go with the just telling her how i feel getting it off my chest and moving on.

 

anyone have any advice on the best way to tell a girl you like them, even though they probably already know and you're not expecting anything in return?

 

I was thinking something like "sorry if this makes you feel awkward and you probably already know but i just wanted to tell you face to face that i like you a lot"

 

any thoughts appreciated!

[ninjabib]

This is going to end badly. I would not tell her. She's already knows and she's not interested. She's liked having you around for the attention etc. You have been a boyfriend without the sex from the sounds of it so now you are just a other girlfriend to her the only difference is you have a penis.

 

What i would say though is I agree that you should work on yourself. Get your physical and mental health sorted but do not hang around for her. She's not the one. She doesn't consider you a sexual option. She likes the new guy who's come in and got her feeling things.

 

If you can cut her out then I'd do that hut if you work together then keep contact to a minimum and be civil but nothing more. Certainly do not entertain any talk of her and the new guy on the scene.

 

All the best.

[whatthe32]

This is going to end badly. I would not tell her. She's already knows and she's not interested. She's liked having you around for the attention etc. You have been a boyfriend without the sex from the sounds of it so now you are just a other girlfriend to her the only difference is you have a penis.

 

What i would say though is I agree that you should work on yourself. Get your physical and mental health sorted but do not hang around for her. She's not the one. She doesn't consider you a sexual option. She likes the new guy who's come in and got her feeling things.

 

If you can cut her out then I'd do that hut if you work together then keep contact to a minimum and be civil but nothing more. Certainly do not entertain any talk of her and the new guy on the scene.

 

All the best.

 

you're probably right, I just feel like it will help me move on and not have any regrets, plus i still don't know for sure that she knows i like her, maybe i can just tell her i think she's amazing or something, i'm not expecting anything out of it so it can't really end much worse than a really awkward moment.

[ninjabib]

She knows I'm sure of it. You have to do what you think is best for you though just expect a NO.

 

Don't tell her she's amazing etc. That's over the top. I'm not going to suggest what you should say as IMO you shouldn't say anything. Just fade away I would.