Should I initiate contact again?

[Lambert]

Youre playing a game and only you know the rules.

 

Expecting the guy to just keep coming back while you play coy, is going to get you exactly what you have now- confusion.

 

Be yourself. Be real. If youre intetested, act it. Don't be manipulative.

[Ariel90]

What do you want from this guy? I agree with someone else's take. You seem to playing coy.

He (was) obviously interested. . you seem to keep setting him to knock him down. Yet you won't call because you are keeping score because you called last?

 

You say and do things that make him feel played. Mind you, this started last October? Had some guy let 6 months pass and gave me mixed messages, I would move on. I wouldn't blame him if he stopped responding all together.

 

He will likely move on to someone who knows what they want and is willing to act on it.

I want to keep in consistent contact with him. Without him suddenly deciding he doesnt want to reply to my text messages or whatever or deciding he wants to delete my number of things dont go his way. Its not always possible to call someone.

 

I mean in the past and even now guys all manage to message me and not disappear of the planet or complain or whatever. Theyre fine with it.

[Ariel90]

Youre playing a game and only you know the rules.

 

Expecting the guy to just keep coming back while you play coy, is going to get you exactly what you have now- confusion.

 

Be yourself. Be real. If youre intetested, act it. Don't be manipulative.

I do hold back sometimes but its not because im trying to manipulate. This is just how i am im not always a person who gives themselves fully straight away it takes time for me to open up

[Ariel90]

Well, how's that working out?

 

Where are you getting these ideas about "guys"?

 

Dating coaches for a start but me also. I dont think it is up to the female to ask a man out or be that forthcoming

[Batya33]

Dating coaches for a start but me also. I dont think it is up to the female to ask a man out or be that forthcoming

 

How is asking to meet a stranger in person asking for a date? I had a number of men pull this ridiculous stuff on me -lukewarm approach/continuing to resurface every now and then at random times but still, at the end of the day, lukewarm. Waste of my time. You're similarly wasting his time. Of course it takes time to open up. It should. That's normal. But during that time, be direct, be centered, be consistent and reliable -that's not being "open" - just basic manners you hopefully learned in kindergarten.

 

My son is 11. He's had to do so many zoom hangouts the last month because of this virus. Today he signed on to a zoom that had to do with crafting. He got frustrated and said an abrupt "goodbye" to the teacher and then asked us, worried, if he'd been rude in how he closed the zoom session. He's new to zoom, new to online learning, new to being quarrantined -and he sure can act in a bratty way especially during these trying times (and typically with his loving parents) -but he has the basic manners and understanding to care about how he behaves in front of other people, to care about the impression he gives, whether he is polite, etc. You're an adult. You know better.

[Ariel90]

How is asking to meet a stranger in person asking for a date? I had a number of men pull this ridiculous stuff on me -lukewarm approach/continuing to resurface every now and then at random times but still, at the end of the day, lukewarm. Waste of my time. You're similarly wasting his time. Of course it takes time to open up. It should. That's normal. But during that time, be direct, be centered, be consistent and reliable -that's not being "open" - just basic manners you hopefully learned in kindergarten.

 

My son is 11. He's had to do so many zoom hangouts the last month because of this virus. Today he signed on to a zoom that had to do with crafting. He got frustrated and said an abrupt "goodbye" to the teacher and then asked us, worried, if he'd been rude in how he closed the zoom session. He's new to zoom, new to online learning, new to being quarrantined -and he sure can act in a bratty way especially during these trying times (and typically with his loving parents) -but he has the basic manners and understanding to care about how he behaves in front of other people, to care about the impression he gives, whether he is polite, etc. You're an adult. You know better.

I understand where youre coming from but there are lots of times when he wouldnt reply to my texts so where were his manners then?

 

When he was on holiday and i messaged him asking where hes been, and he was online but did not respond, where was his consistency and manners then? I understand some people don't like messaging but if i can see hes online and fine to message everyone else then is it really a big deal to have replied to me? No. And then i gave him five days to respond and he didnt. So i blocked him. I guess sometime after that he must have messaged since he claimed he sent me messages and i did not respond. So he assumed i deleted his number.

[Lambert]

I do hold back sometimes but its not because im trying to manipulate. This is just how i am im not always a person who gives themselves fully straight away it takes time for me to open up

well if you're not willing to open up, then you're going to experience this over and over.

 

You don't know who is worth a shot and who isn't until you give them one.

 

No one is going to just jump right in, beg you and chase you like some fairy tale romance.

 

Healthy relationships are where both people put themselves on the line with vulnerabilty.... granted you're not in a relationship with this guy, but it starts by encouraging him to engage with you because you are intetested. Not some carrot on a stick to chase.

[Lambert]

I understand where youre coming from but there are lots of times when he wouldnt reply to my texts so where were his manners then?

 

When he was on holiday and i messaged him asking where hes been, and he was online but did not respond, where was his consistency and manners then? I understand some people don't like messaging but if i can see hes online and fine to message everyone else then is it really a big deal to have replied to me? No. And then i gave him five days to respond and he didnt. So i blocked him. I guess sometime after that he must have messaged since he claimed he sent me messages and i did not respond. So he assumed i deleted his number.

well then forget him....

[bluecastle]

Brass tacks here?

 

The moment you told him that you sometimes liked him and sometimes didn't like him? That's the moment when any reasonably healthy human being who has graduated middle school would be done.

 

Sure, you can continue the pokes, and maybe if you catch someone in a bored or lonesome moment you'll get some engagement again. But the eyebrow will remain raised, and the engagement will be cursory. People don't like being played with.

 

Or, well, most don't. The ones that do, who dig this stuff? They generally bring to the table some weapons grade levels of self-hatred that allows them to get caught up in this kind of honey trap, so the trade off for continued interest is, well, dealing with that, likely sooner than later.

 

Something to think about, or not. Want to connect with healthy, authentic people? Be healthy, and authentic. Want to play with healthy, authentic people? You'll get very little. Want something a bit more extensive with someone unhinged? Keep doing what you're doing, but adjust the target. This guy doesn't have the sweet tooth for your brand of hooks.

 

My few cents.

[Batya33]

I understand where youre coming from but there are lots of times when he wouldnt reply to my texts so where were his manners then?

 

When he was on holiday and i messaged him asking where hes been, and he was online but did not respond, where was his consistency and manners then? I understand some people don't like messaging but if i can see hes online and fine to message everyone else then is it really a big deal to have replied to me? No. And then i gave him five days to respond and he didnt. So i blocked him. I guess sometime after that he must have messaged since he claimed he sent me messages and i did not respond. So he assumed i deleted his number.

 

I understand. Two wrongs don't make a right. He has told you who he is -and he's obviously not that into you and you weren't that into him. So let it fade it's not worth it if it is this hard early on. You know what? My future husband didn't contact me for over a week in between the second and third time we saw each other. We'd been very serious years earlier then reconnected and seen each other one on one twice but totally platonic. But -he didn't contact me - but he also didn't ignore me. Just went MIA. But he finally did, asked to see me, asked to get back together that third time and the rest is about 15 years of history since then. Why did he go MIA -honestly I think it was a combination of insanely busy and moreover he really was on the fence about whether to put himself out there and get back together - that's what I think anyway. I actually didn't ask because it was obvious he was "that" into me to ask me to get back together to see if we should marry this time around.

 

So, sometimes another chance is warranted -but not with someone you've never met, a virtual stranger, where you both are hot and cold from the beginning. Dating is hard enough without that nonsense.

[reinventmyself]

I understand where youre coming from but there are lots of times when he wouldnt reply to my texts so where were his manners then?

 

When he was on holiday and i messaged him asking where hes been, and he was online but did not respond, where was his consistency and manners then? I understand some people don't like messaging but if i can see hes online and fine to message everyone else then is it really a big deal to have replied to me? No. And then i gave him five days to respond and he didnt. So i blocked him. I guess sometime after that he must have messaged since he claimed he sent me messages and i did not respond. So he assumed i deleted his number.

 

You were communicating with him in October and stopped. You yourself said you suspected he was waiting to hear from you, but life got in the way. Ok.

 

You think to reach 3 months later when you know hed be on vacation and suprised he didnt respond?

 

Was that really the best time to text someone you've never met even tho you let the connection go cold in the meantime?

[MissCanuck]

And have you posted before under a different username? This story and the circular thinking are very familiar.

[ChellyV]

Its a bit complicated. Simplify life. Talk to people you are interested in consistently, not going on breaks just because of an impression you want to make. Show interest, and invest time. If he does the same, give him a chance. If not, then move on. Trust me, you will not have "what might have been moments" if you do the best you can on anyone or anything you do.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are doing that and watching every how to snag a guy thing out there. Unfortunately they are as dopey as the how to get laid fast stuff for guys. Think about how stupid and ineffective these are. Overall it's targeted toward the desperate and lonely. Those who can't get or keep anyone. Why else would you even bother with this.

Dating coaches. I dont think it is up to the female to ask a man out or be that forthcoming

[Ariel90]

well if you're not willing to open up, then you're going to experience this over and over.

 

You don't know who is worth a shot and who isn't until you give them one.

 

No one is going to just jump right in, beg you and chase you like some fairy tale romance.

 

Healthy relationships are where both people put themselves on the line with vulnerabilty.... granted you're not in a relationship with this guy, but it starts by encouraging him to engage with you because you are intetested. Not some carrot on a stick to chase.

 

Well surely he would know that i must be interested a bit at least in order to continue to message amd call him, even if it isnt everyday. And that's maybe why he had the confidence to be like oh i should dm your friend, like who says that when a potential romantic interest is on the phone to them🤔😂.

 

In the past i have been in similar situations where ive taken a while to open up and the guy showed interest and pursued me but then as soon as i did. Suddenly they changed their mind. Men can be weird and fickle.

[Ariel90]

You were communicating with him in October and stopped. You yourself said you suspected he was waiting to hear from you, but life got in the way. Ok.

 

You think to reach 3 months later when you know hed be on vacation and suprised he didnt respond?

 

Was that really the best time to text someone you've never met even tho you let the connection go cold in the meantime?

May be not the best time to message but a couple of weeks before that we were on talking terms again (when i reached out in january) so i didnt think it was a big deal. Especially when i already saw him online probably speaking to multiple other people. So im sure it wouldnt have been that hard for him to reply to "what have you been up to".

 

Hesa bit funny when it comes to replying to my messages.

But of course he kept stating multiple times how he messsged me and i didnt reply and did i delete his number.

[Ariel90]

Brass tacks here?

 

The moment you told him that you sometimes liked him and sometimes didn't like him? That's the moment when any reasonably healthy human being who has graduated middle school would be done.

 

Sure, you can continue the pokes, and maybe if you catch someone in a bored or lonesome moment you'll get some engagement again. But the eyebrow will remain raised, and the engagement will be cursory. People don't like being played with.

 

Or, well, most don't. The ones that do, who dig this stuff? They generally bring to the table some weapons grade levels of self-hatred that allows them to get caught up in this kind of honey trap, so the trade off for continued interest is, well, dealing with that, likely sooner than later.

 

Something to think about, or not. Want to connect with healthy, authentic people? Be healthy, and authentic. Want to play with healthy, authentic people? You'll get very little. Want something a bit more extensive with someone unhinged? Keep doing what you're doing, but adjust the target. This guy doesn't have the sweet tooth for your brand of hooks.

 

My few cents.

When i said sometimes i like him and sometimes i dont he just replied with dont you like me.sometimes and inserted a nose blowing/crying emoji face. To which i replied i dont want hurt your feelings and he just kept saying he's brave and he can take it. So its not like he was boohoo about it he just carried on talking as normal. Up till the point where we stopped texting each other for a few weeks3 and till i texted again. When he was on his holiday

[Ariel90]

Its a bit complicated. Simplify life. Talk to people you are interested in consistently, not going on breaks just because of an impression you want to make. Show interest, and invest time. If he does the same, give him a chance. If not, then move on. Trust me, you will not have "what might have been moments" if you do the best you can on anyone or anything you do.

 

I get you but i dont want to end up being the one always initiating and making effort even though at the start he was doing more of the pursuing. But of course that stopped eventually

[LootieTootie]

Dating coaches for a start but me also. I dont think it is up to the female to ask a man out or be that forthcoming

 

Did any of these "dating coaches" tell you that dating is a two-way street and that you can't expect the other person to mind-read you?

 

Time to put yourself in other peoples shoes. If you were a man and a female stranger, who you were initially interested in, contacted you 3 months later and then blocked you and then unblocked you and then tells you "wouldn't mind dating you" and "we are all options." How would that make you feel? A lot of people would yes like JMAn said, you're a hassle and yes if you want to date, dating should be fun. Not a hassle and not someone who expects the men to do bulk of the courting work.

 

It takes two. If you don't understand that, then you are not a grown-up.

[Ariel90]

Did any of these "dating coaches" tell you that dating is a two-way street and that you can't expect the other person to mind-read you?

 

Time to put yourself in other peoples shoes. If you were a man and a female stranger, who you were initially interested in, contacted you 3 months later and then blocked you and then unblocked you and then tells you "wouldn't mind dating you" and "we are all options." How would that make you feel? A lot of people would yes like JMAn said, you're a hassle and yes if you want to date, dating should be fun. Not a hassle and not someone who expects the men to do bulk of the courting work.

 

It takes two. If you don't understand that, then you are not a grown-up.

Well if he put himself in my shoes he would be able to see that two messages sent from my end and being not responded to isnt that amazing either. Yes we had a three month break but he did not call or message either. AT least i took the initiative to reach out in january...have a lengthy texting convo which ended. And then message him again a couple of weeks later holiday or not. Only for him to go online and not reply initially.

I have no idea when he sent me messages because he said he did. I obviously didnt receive anything from him for five days and then blocked him for a couple of weekss. I guess it must have been then he decided to respond

[Ariel90]

Did any of these "dating coaches" tell you that dating is a two-way street and that you can't expect the other person to mind-read you?

 

Time to put yourself in other peoples shoes. If you were a man and a female stranger, who you were initially interested in, contacted you 3 months later and then blocked you and then unblocked you and then tells you "wouldn't mind dating you" and "we are all options." How would that make you feel? A lot of people would yes like JMAn said, you're a hassle and yes if you want to date, dating should be fun. Not a hassle and not someone who expects the men to do bulk of the courting work.

 

It takes two. If you don't understand that, then you are not a grown-up.

And i think hassle is a strong word. Im not giving him any grief am i .he seems to handle it all perfectly fine or indifferently as if it doesnt matter anyway if i come or go

[bluecastle]

You are being a bit coy in your descriptions of all this.

 

Best I can see, you are aware that you left him hanging back in those early days—that his straightforward pursuits were met with some sideways eyelash fluttering on your part, then the brick wall of you fading out. So, no, you did not "at least take the initiative" when you contacted him in Jan. You faded back in when you were thirsty. Or maybe hungry is the better word, since he was left feeling, understandably, like a sandwich.

 

Then (bored? following a dating coach script? what?) you poked at him when he was on vacation, and when he had the audacity to not reply pronto? You blocked him. So basically you said "heyyyyy" and then ensured that his response, since it didn't come on your terms, went into the void to make him feel, again, sandwich-like.

 

When you wanted more pokes, you unblocked him, but remained coy, not owning up to the fact that you didn't respond to him because you blocked him in a "silly" huff. When he put his pride and dignity to the side and asked to meet up you responded in some vague, half-interested way that made him feel like an option. To which you offered the soothing words: "We are all options."

 

I don't think hassle is a strong word, being frank. I get the impression that, once upon a time, this man made his interest clear and known to you. Your version of reciprocating that has been a multi-month game of poke-n-seek, while being frustrated that he's not serenading you outside your window during quarantine.

 

There's another way to do all this.

[Wiseman2]

Don't contact him, he lost interest. Simply live and learn and move forward.

[Lambert]

Well surely he would know that i must be interested a bit at least in order to continue to message amd call him, even if it isnt everyday. And that's maybe why he had the confidence to be like oh i should dm your friend, like who says that when a potential romantic interest is on the phone to them[emoji848][emoji23].

 

In the past i have been in similar situations where ive taken a while to open up and the guy showed interest and pursued me but then as soon as i did. Suddenly they changed their mind. Men can be weird and fickle.

 

well, i think youre missing the point. In one instance you're saying your intentions with him were clear and he should know, but then, by your own admission, you blocked him, and blamed him for being too confident.

 

You may meet a lot of these type of wishy washy types because you are also wishy washy.

 

Make a decision to either go all in with good intentions with this guy or forget him and find someone new....

 

then be all in. let it be a volley, you reach out, he reaches out... it doesn't have to be one for one, but if you notice you've been doing more of the initiating, just stop. he either comes around or he doesnt... you don't have to say anything

 

Decide, yes this works for me, or no this doesn't work for me. And stick to it...

 

If you are taking your time to open up but when you do, the guy bails... it could be that he didn't have enough info prior to decide. Once he got to know you more, he decided he wasnt intetested.

 

Thats not an insult to you... that's dating... getting to know if you want to continue with people...

 

If you want to be chased, you're gonna meet a lot of guys that like the chase. Recognize these people are emotionally unavailable.

 

Are you emotionally unavailable? Maybe that's why you pick or attract those types.

 

Regardless of how much you want to argue that you are doing the right things, you can't deny you're not getting the results you want. So maybe it's time to try something different.

 

Look inward for answers... what are you doing? Are you being your authentic self? What is the other person doing? Assume this is them as their authentic self and decide is it good enough for you?

 

If this guy is so wrong for making that joke, for not being consistent with you, for seeming too confident, triggers bad feelings in you, then forget him.

[boltnrun]

I find it ironic that you are saying men can be weird and fickle.

 

Not communicating with a guy you claim to be interested in for months and then suddenly expecting him to leap at the chance to message you could be interpreted as weird and fickle.