Should BF expects me to pay rent?

[greendots]

Are you on the same page and are you working as a united team? United teams support each other, work through things together and figure things out together. But I don't see that happening in your situation.

[Wiseman2]

Going from owning your own place to being his tenant is a huge step-down.

 

Is this the same guy?:https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561985&p=7167736&viewfull=1#post7167736

Me and my BF both work full time,decent jobs. I own my apartment (paid off) and he rents his apartment.

[ninjabib]

Move back to your place or pay half the rent living at his. It's really that simple.

 

 

This. Anything else is having your cake and eating it. You were happy to agree to keeping money out of the relationship when it suited you. You can't ask for a free ride now it doesn't.

 

If i was in your shoes i'd just move back into my apartment and it stops any arguments. If you want to live at his pay your fair share.

 

You are in a much more financially secure position. Struggling to see why you wouldn't want to pay your share.

[h0000]

 

Is there any chance that, in wanting your boyfriend to help reduce the cost, you're looking for some kind of sign that you're on the same page in the relationship, in values, in something that isn't directly attached to this tough moment? I ask because you mentioned not yet sharing a joint bank account, which makes me wonder if being less financially independent and more inter-dependent is something you're eager to see happen.

 

I suppose yes I am looking for signs for love and value. It’s reassuring if he offers to help. Yes I can still manage on my own, without any help from him. But then I will wonder if he really loves me like he said.

 

But he thinks Its “taking advantage of him” if I ask for help when I don’t need any, rather than showing love.

 

Am I being confusing here? Because i don’t want a joint account at this stage. I do want financial independence at this stage. But at the same time I’m using money to judge his love for me? .I dunno lol

[Cherylyn]

You've paid off your apartment. Move back into your own apartment and save your money. It doesn't make sense wasting your money on paying rent at your boyfriend's apartment. Do what makes shrewd business sense for yourself and stay healthier hunkering down at your own paid-off apartment.

[SherrySher]

Don't mix love and business..they are two separate issues.

 

I would go right back and say if you loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't be expecting this of him or treating him this way.

 

Stop trying to pull one over on him and then bully him by saying if he doesn't do as you wish, then he doesn't love you.

 

Pay the rent or go back to yours, end of.

[j.man]

I suppose yes I am looking for signs for love and value. It’s reassuring if he offers to help. Yes I can still manage on my own, without any help from him. But then I will wonder if he really loves me like he said.

 

But he thinks Its “taking advantage of him” if I ask for help when I don’t need any, rather than showing love.

 

Am I being confusing here? Because i don’t want a joint account at this stage. I do want financial independence at this stage. But at the same time I’m using money to judge his love for me? .I dunno lol

bro you're not "asking for help." You're asking to live there rent-free because you're bearing witness to the fact being a landlord is a bit more complicated than collecting a rent check every month. It may be a novel coronavirus, but a landlord suffering a vacant unit is far from a novel circumstance. You admit you've still got your salary. You indeed aren't in any financial need. Your apartment is paid off. You're simply out your bonus rental income.

 

I love bluecastle to death, but dude's got so much empathy he could reach out and pluck a Mars rover from the surface trying to find any way to sympathetically angle something that's pretty safe to take at face value. You don't have a tenant paying you rent right now. Not making as much money isn't as awesome. Your default is to ask / expect your boyfriend to functionally pay you instead (at least in part). That's literally it. And yes, that is in fact taking advantage of him, especially if you're gonna gaslight him framing it as something he should be doing if he loves and values you.

 

If you were to come on here and tell us your boyfriend's upset because you couldn't afford to pay half the rent without the rental income, thus you'd have to move back to your place until you could find a new tenant, that'd be a whole other story. Though even then, being that you two living together and splitting rent was an actual financial agreement and commitment you two came to, it'd still be a pretty crappy thing to do given you admit you actually could afford it.

[bluecastle]

I suppose yes I am looking for signs for love and value. It’s reassuring if he offers to help. Yes I can still manage on my own, without any help from him. But then I will wonder if he really loves me like he said.

 

But he thinks Its “taking advantage of him” if I ask for help when I don’t need any, rather than showing love.

 

Am I being confusing here? Because i don’t want a joint account at this stage. I do want financial independence at this stage. But at the same time I’m using money to judge his love for me?

 

Well, in your last post, and in others, you've expressed a lot of anxiety on these fronts, as well as a personal desire to lock things down on some kind of fast track: dating to cohabitation to marriage, ideally in a year. Factoring in that history, with this moment, one can draw a pretty straight line from A to B, you know?

 

Without being a potted plant observing the two of you for a few weeks, I can't tell you if the issue here is that you're dating someone who is lukewarm on you, and so you're perpetually trying to turn up the heat to stay warm, or if you're just prone to spinning around and require near constant drip of love and affection to slow the spins. That said, I think it's worth challenging yourself to not turn the basic the logistics of life into micro-tests of affection, as that will tax most relationships. Nothing on the planet is more boring than money and chores, so if you start stirring all that into the pot to test love you're bound to end up with a love that leaves a weird taste in the mouth.

 

Speaking only for myself, I don't quite see living together as a "sign" of love and value, but more of an extension of a love I feel secure in and a step toward expanding that love into partnership. Some of that is purely logistical, and making sure you function, together, on those logistics. Another part of it is knowing that you two can handle some unexpected winds and tides, together, and on that front it really helps to believe that the other person is pretty solid on their own.

 

You are extraordinarily fortune right now. You have a job, you own a home outright, you can pay rent. Why make an issue where there actually isn't one? Life has very real issues in store for you, as it does all of us, so those chips are best cashed when needed, you know?

[ninjabib]

OP this is not a hard situation. You are just making it difficult. Do you really want to be with this guy?

[bluecastle]

I love bluecastle to death, but dude's got so much empathy he could reach out and pluck a Mars rover from the surface trying to find any way to sympathetically angle something that's pretty safe to take at face value. You don't have a tenant paying you rent right now. Not making as much money isn't as awesome. Your default is to ask / expect your boyfriend to functionally pay you instead (at least in part). That's literally it. And yes, that is in fact taking advantage of him, especially if you're gonna gaslight him framing it as something he should be doing if he loves and values you.

 

Love you back, j.man.

 

I take soft tack—such is my nature—but, well, yeah: this and that^^.

[h0000]

Didnt think it was important but now it seems some of you are about to think Im a people user: I did pay him rent. One month lump sum, in advance. So I aint moving anywhere for a while lol

 

I just dont know how to feel about it so I started this question, cuz I wouldnt charge him any rent if he moved in with me.

 

I understand he wants me to pay half rent though, he's renting after all. I'm totally fine to pay, but I just thought he could also wait a bit, wait till I find a tenant. I honestly thought everyone would do that so was a bit surprised when I learnt he didnt see it that way. But it seems many people dont see it that way so maybe Im the minority. That's ok. I'll pay him as long as I live with him.

[ninjabib]

Why are/were you so insintent on keeping finances seperate though? I think it's sensible but rent is a cost so it needs covering.

 

If he has less than you why should he cover you? In these tough times you are already secure and blessed.

 

Sorry if i'm missing the point here. I think paying half is fair. If money is a big issue to you then go back to yours and live apart until you can find a new tenant in a few months time.

[h0000]

Another part of it is knowing that you two can handle some unexpected winds and tides, together

 

yeah I just thought handling it together means him helping me reducing my costs when it doesnt at all increase his costs, since his rent didnt increase because of me.

Maybe I'm wrong.

[h0000]

Why are/were you so insintent on keeping finances seperate though? I think it's sensible but rent is a cost so it needs covering.

 

If he has less than you why should he cover you? In these tough times you are already secure and blessed.

 

Sorry if i'm missing the point here. I think paying half is fair. If money is a big issue to you then go back to yours and live apart until you can find a new tenant in a few months time.

 

I dont think I want to mix our finance together until we are married. It's..sensible, like you said.

He doesnt have "less" than me..he makes a lot more than me and has lot more cash than me. He doesnt own a place but he can buy one if he wants. Well, if you add in my asset value,I suppose we are pretty equal financially.

[ninjabib]

How long have you 2 been together, sorry if i missed that part?

[itsallgrand]

yeah I just thought handling it together means him helping me reducing my costs when it doesnt at all increase his costs, since his rent didnt increase because of me.

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

Yeah it's wrong to be mentally counting up his expenses and money to decide whether or not you think he should pay for you.

 

You are two equals, two financially independent people. You need to treat him with a bit more respect. And this may sound bad, but have a bit more pride? I'd be pretty embarrassed trying to mooch off my bf just to profit myself, I'm curious why you feel it's ok? Are you used to others kinda babying you?

 

You two just moved in together. You are showing him right now what you are made of when there are bumps in the road. You immediately are looking to lean on him, while you are perfectly capable of carrying your own load, which isn't a good look.

[h0000]

I'd be pretty embarrassed trying to mooch off my bf just to profit myself, I'm curious why you feel it's ok? Are you used to others kinda babying you?

.

 

No, because I'd do it for him. Like I said, I wouldnt charge him rent if he moved in with me.

 

Also I dont see it as me mooching off him to profit myself. I see it as him helping me reduce my cost while not increase his cost. Because if I moved back he'd have to pay a lot more.

[waffle]

I dont think I want to mix our finance together until we are married. It's..sensible, like you said.

He doesnt have "less" than me..he makes a lot more than me and has lot more cash than me . . .

 

Well good luck with that. Once you establish a roommates situation by "paying half" and otherwise keeping score, expect that to continue forever. Like you said in another post "as long as we live together." He will get very used to going dutch and it's not as if he's going to give that up once you're married (if it gets that far). Be very careful with the precedent you're setting.

 

By far the smartest thing you can do is move back into your own place and let him pay his own rent.

[ninjabib]

I think not entangking each others finances together was a good and sensible move but it's almost bean counting levels we are at now. It's gone too far somehow. This relationship reads cold. Almost more a convenience. I'm. Sure that's not the reality but just how it comes across over the Internet.

[bluecastle]

yeah I just thought handling it together means him helping me reducing my costs when it doesnt at all increase his costs, since his rent didnt increase because of me.

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

I don't quite think it's about wrong or right, more about an idea of what partnership looks like.

 

Your view is a bit more like expecting a romantic partner to "show" love and support in much the same way a parent does, throwing you some cash when times get a little tough or giving you some scratch to augment your income and grease the wheels for a certain kind of life and lifestyle. My own view, for a counterpoint, is that partnership is about two grownups who (a) can handle the business of being a grownup on their own and (b) as such enhance their mutual experience of being grownups, together, as equals.

 

You keep putting this in terms of your "ask" not increasing his cost. But that, I'm sorry, makes no sense. When he lived alone, yes, he paid X amount in rent. Those days ended when he opted to live with you, and to take on that business together. So now he pays Y amount. You are asking him to pay Yx2 for you, even though paying Y is 100 percent within your capabilities as a partner.

 

You are employed, and you can count yourself as one of teeny, tiny minority of people who own a home outright. You might now be deprived—for a week, a month, a bit longer—a little extra scratch. That is, all in all, the story of someone who is quite wealthy seeing their wealth flatline for a moment in time, not the story of someone drowning and needing their partner to save them.

 

I am, as mentioned, in a similar position. I could not imagine asking my girlfriend to cover my businesses losses by paying twice in rent, just because three months ago she was able to pay it on her own. That was then, before we entered this beautiful pact together. So I'm hustling things up, putting feelers out, banging the drum. I've got savings. Heck, like you, I can call my bank, set up a home equity line of credit, and have access to a gob of cash with next to zero interest, with whatever I have to carry being tax deductible. I am very, very fortunate in my options, even during a trying time, and I am right now exploring all those options.

 

Going through all those steps before asking my girlfriend for some help? Well, to me that is respecting my partnership and my idea of partnership—the fabric of it, the deal of it—rather than taxing it so my heart beats a little slower. It is also respecting my girlfriend as an equal, and myself as an individual who can stand tall in strong winds. With all that logistical machinery within my human capabilities—and within my girlfriend's—it frees up space to enjoy all the gooey, gaudy, bubble gum stuff of partnership: the deep sense of love and support that is lovely on a sunny day, and so very appreciated during days like these.

[h0000]

I am, as mentioned, in a similar position. I could not imagine asking my girlfriend to cover my businesses losses by paying twice in rent, just because three months ago she was able to pay it on her own. That was then, before we entered this beautiful pact together. So I'm hustling things up, putting feelers out, banging the drum. I've got savings. Heck, like you, I can call my bank, set up a home equity line of credit, and have access to a gob of cash with next to zero interest, with whatever I have to carry being tax deductible. I am very, very fortunate in my options, even during a trying time, and I am right now exploring all those options.

 

Going through all those steps before asking my girlfriend for some help? Well, to me that is respecting my partnership and my idea of partnership—the fabric of it, the deal of it—rather than taxing it so my heart beats a little slower. It is also respecting my girlfriend as an equal, and myself as an individual who can stand tall in strong winds. With all that logistical machinery within my human capabilities—and within my girlfriend's—it frees up space to enjoy all the gooey, gaudy, bubble gum stuff of partnership: the deep sense of love and support that is lovely on a sunny day, and so very appreciated during days like these.

 

wow..your GF is very lucky hehe.

 

Just out of curiosity, if roles reversed between you and her, if she had 3 rental units frozen and all, would you expect her to explore all the other options she could possibly find on her own, before turning to you?

[j.man]

No, because I'd do it for him. Like I said, I wouldnt charge him rent if he moved in with me.

 

Also I dont see it as me mooching off him to profit myself. I see it as him helping me reduce my cost while not increase his cost. Because if I moved back he'd have to pay a lot more.

That is exactly what it is. A loss of income isn't an expense. Your place is paid off, so whatever your HOA (if any), property tax, and insurance are expenses. Maybe some residual utilities that should be more than manageable without a resident. Make the trip and unplug the stove and fridge and it's close to nothing. Being generous, even in the wonkiest of markets, the money he'd be paying for your half of the rent would be covering said expenses. And even if it doesn't, he's still in essence paying you at least a portion of the rent a tenant would be paying you. While you do... what exactly? Continue enjoying your nice, salaried direct deposits? So your apartment builds equity he's got no stake in while he functionally covers the expenses of it and you live rent free for however many months. All while you're still working at full salary.

 

Every penny of the rent he'd cover for you absolutely is a profit to you. It may not be as much as a full check from a tenant, but it is a profit.

[h0000]

Your place is paid off, so whatever your HOA (if any), property tax, and insurance are expenses. Being generous, even in the wonkiest of markets, the money he'd be paying for your half of the rent would be covering said expenses. And even if it doesn't, he's still in essence paying you at least a portion of the rent a tenant would be paying you. While you do... what exactly? Continue enjoying your nice, salaried direct deposits? So your apartment builds equity he's got no stake in while he functionally covers the expenses of it and you live rent free for however many months.

 

Huh? Covering what expense ? I’m not quite following...I don’t ask him to pay any costs associated with my apartment

[j.man]

Huh? Covering what expense ? I’m not quite following...I don’t ask him to pay any costs associated with my apartment

How much is your half of the rent? That would be the amount he's effectively paying toward your apartment. It's not difficult.

 

If I ask my wife to cover my half of the mortgage for a few months and go off to buy a new OLED TV, there's no way on Earth I'm pretending it's my money that bought it.

 

If I had a house I was renting out and asked my wife the same, I'm not pretending it's my money going to the insurance company.

 

Nor should you.

[Batya33]

Huh? Covering what expense ? I’m not quite following...I don’t ask him to pay any costs associated with my apartment

 

How is he benefiting from the equity you are getting as a home owner and any other benefits? I asked this above