Long term bf stayed out all night

[boltnrun]

So, this is concerning: "If someone didnt help him out he would be $$$ in debt with loans just for living expenses. "

 

Do you somewhere deep inside you fear this is why he stays with you?

 

After all, it's YOUR money that is going to be financing the future he's planning. Yes, he put sweat equity into your home but I'm willing to bet YOU paid for the renovation supplies. And he did get paid, with room and board and pocket money.

 

You write that he's half way through a bachelor's degree, which means he has at least two more years before graduation. So you'll be financially supporting for at least that amount of time.

 

I wonder, if he has time to watch podcasts and go to Baja with his friends, why doesn't he have time to get a part-time job? Bartending or serving would have flexible hours and the tips are excellent if you provide good service with a smile. Is there some reason why he isn't working?

 

As for the reason you started this thread, he has learned that you will complain about him not keeping you posted about staying out all night but he also knows you will not really DO anything about it. He has to listen to a bit of complaining and, I presume, things go back to normal after a day or so. So, why should he change to accommodate your request to let you know? He knows you really, really want to marry him so you won't do anything like end the relationship over it. He feels totally confident you won't, so he just keeps doing what he's been doing.

 

My BIL lived with his girlfriend a few years ago. She was 33 and really wanted marriage and children. He told her they would get married, he told her he WANTED to get married, but he needed to be more established before they got married. First he needed a job, then he needed a better job, then he needed to be in the job for X number of months, then he needed to save at least $10,000...you get the picture. She finally realized he did NOT want to get married based on his actions, not his words. So she left him. Today she is married with a couple of lovely children. She wouldn't be if she listened to his words instead of watching his actions.

[irisesdontcr]

In the beginning I asked myself whether he was with me for the convenience of having everything taken care of. But now I would never question that. Whenever he acquires money through any side jobs hes had, some very lucrative, he will never keep any for himself. He contributes it all to our joint needs. He doesn't make major purchases without discussion and helps us both save money by cooking, taking care of car maintenance himself etc. Personally, money is nbd to me, I would rather someone was honest, considerate and hard working than helping me with bills.

 

Problem here is while he told me where he was going and with whom, he never mentioned crossing the border and he said he would be back by 4am latest. He didnt ignore my calls, and he didnt lie about where he went when I asked after he got back.

 

My bf LOVES baja California, he goes on day trips with me and his extended family a couple times a yr. Any excuse to go and he will be there eating tacos, he doesn't really drink much. He just loves the culture and food there. So I can understand what made him go, just think he should have texted me.

 

Anyways, I do sincerely hope he is not like your BIL boltandrun and leading me on a wild goose chase where I end up hurt and alone. At least I'll land on my feet. 🤷🏻♀️ He would land in pieces that would set him back years.

 

Its scary for me to think about that. If I decide to walk away from this wait, how can I live knowing he would lose his dads house, displace his extended family (who live there as renters) and completely change his way of living?

[boltnrun]

He's an adult who should (and probably can) take care of those things himself. Problem is, he hasn't had to and he knows he won't have to as long as he's with you.

 

This dynamic is similar to how many parents relate to their adult children. They continue to do things for them that they could do on their own because they don't believe their adult children are capable of taking care of themselves.

 

How do you know he's not capable? And how did it come about that you assigned yourself these responsibilities? It's not typical for a relationship to be conducted this way. Typically both partners are equally capable but you seem sure he isn't and that he couldn't survive without you.

 

I mean, how did he survive before he met you?

[melancholy123]

Dont do the silent treatment BS. My mother used to do that to my dad when she was mad at him, and its such an immature response.

 

If you want to leave, then leave, but that seems excessive for staying out all night and not calling. If he did this all the time then you'd have a reason, but once is an over reaction.

 

Time to sit down with him and have a serious talk.

[irisesdontcr]

Is that true though in all cases? Aren't there many house husbands and homemakers who take care of the house primarily while their SO works? Or couples where one supports the other completely while they pursue some degree ?

 

He had his side gigs before me, and he helped his dad with work. A couple years ago my bf started his own business actually with his extended family a few years ago. His family scrwd him over and it ended up collapsing. But he was doing really well with it and managing school before they got involved. We were flush with capital and he splurged so much on me/us since he could.

 

But I dont need to be wined and dined or bought nice things. I've always fended for myself since entering workforce. And if I can help someone not have to struggle while trying to finish school, I'm all for it. Or at least, that has been my reasoning. Because my parents did that for me, gave me opportunities a lot of people dont get.

 

I guess I'm a bit naive maybe. I wonder who's watching my back while I watch his...

[bluecastle]

I hope this doesn’t land with too much of a sting, but the way you write about him? It leaves the impression that your dominant feeling toward him, and the feeling you seek comfort and clarity in, is pity. I don’t think this is doing either of you any favors.

 

No human being, even the most wounded or wayward, wants to be pitied. And pity itself, much like guilt and shame, is a feeling that doesn’t nourish but only drains, as I think you are realizing on some cellular level, hard as you’re trying to fight it with your brain.

 

Pity also blinds and paralyzes. Remove the blinders—the pity—and what are you left with? You are 31, paying the way for a man you want to marry but who does not believe in marriage. He pays some lip service to the idea of “coming around” to it once he gets on his feet, but where are his feet moving? Across the border, late at night. I’m a SoCal guy, love TJ, love Baja, but if I was going there at the wee hours with a crew of dudes my girlfriend didn’t know? Well, she’d have zero interest in unpacking that mystery or trying to rationalize it as a byproduct of the pretty significant curveballs life has thrown my way. She has a kid. Doesn’t have any interest in dating an adult who acts like one.

 

I think you started this thread because pity is not enough for you, or him. Pity doesn’t lead to proposals, after all, as time has proven. And your investment plan with him? Well, it seems that pity plays a big role in it, as its predicated on the idea that, without you, this man can’t realize his dreams or handle the basic business of living. Ditto the idea that if you were to leave him he wouldn’t be able to survive.

 

In your shoes I’d challenge yourself to really reflect on this dynamic, and whether it is one in which you both can thrive, rather than merely survive. I can imagine that, at 25, it was easy to imagine all sorts of things about the life the two of you could make. But six years later do you feel you are moving closer to that, or further? If what could be, or what might be, is significantly more satisfying than what actually is—well, that’s a state of affairs that might be asking for your pity more than him.

[irisesdontcr]

Thanks for that clarity bluecastle and boltnrun, and to everyone else on this thread for talking this through with me.

 

I dont know what to do next. I feel I can only rip off the bandaid and tell him I can do this anymore. But it would seem like this stupid trip to Mexico is what caused it or tipped me over. Not all the other things flailing around in our relationship.

 

Should I move out and take a few days to myself?

[boltnrun]

You didn't answer my question about why he doesn't work. Again, if he has time to watch podcasts and go to Baja he has time for a part-time job.

 

Do you feel like supporting him financially and doing all these financial things for him will result in him wanting to marry you? Do you think it will show him how much you love him?

 

I hope thoughts of "after all I've done for him, he can't even be considerate enough to let me know he's going to be late!" have not crossed your mind. And I really hope those words have never crossed your lips. I presume they haven't but if you're thinking it, there's a problem.

 

ETA I don't think just leaving for a few days is a good idea. I think after all these years together you can talk to him honestly about how you feel. Give him a chance to let you know what he's thinking and feeling without interrupting and ask him to do the same for you.

[irisesdontcr]

So he had regular jobs prior to me meeting him. It was pocket cash. Then he had a string of unconventional jobs. He used his skills with cars to turn a profit and was doing that when we met. He had a little cash. I had a lot more, stable salary. So if we wanted to do things regularly I would pay. He paid when he had it. Then came this business venture. His cash flow was considerable. He spoiled me with it until his family messed him over. At the same time he was struggling with this science course, had failed it 2x already. So I told him about 2 years ago to stop working and focus on the course and pass it. Then he can try to get a job again. He somewhat agreed. Still did some car part flips on the side.

 

Then his dad died, he failed that class again. For the last year he grieved , I've never seen him like that before. Now here we are in 2020 and hes back to trying to pass this class (he needs it to move on), this time hes getting tested for learning issues and getting tutoring. Hes not working but he gets financial aid and took out a loan to help with our expenses.

[boltnrun]

I don't know what else to say except talk to him.

 

I really fear that 5 years from now nothing will have changed. I think he's very comfortable with how things are.

 

Most people will not change without motivation from within.

[irisesdontcr]

Exactly boltnrun. I fear that he is too comfortable with everything, including my continued support. Hes not basking in the sun, he sees how hard I work to maintain our lifestyle. And he tries to alleviate it in his own way. But I fear nothing will change down the road. And I'll keep waiting like a fool.

[smackie9]

I think waiting 7.5 years is plenty to see not only is he taking steps backwards, but he is slowing pushing away responsibility on his end. He is not where he should be at the age of 31. Enough is enough and I think you have wasted enough of your time.

[Batya33]

Look, when I was 32, freezing eggs were not yet a viable option (just freezing embryos) - I was single I would have done it (I had my child shortly after I got married -at age 42). Please keep in mind -and you can check this, I may be wrong - but frozen eggs are higher risk than what you now have in your body. I agree with the others -he is not marriage material and likely will not be in any time frame that works for you.

[irisesdontcr]

thank you for all your feedback, I plan to tackle this in stages with him and will see where I land.

[Batya33]

thank you for all your feedback, I plan to tackle this in stages with him and will see where I land.

 

Sounds good just don't use the excuse of "stages" to delay time-wise. I am curious what "stages" are needed -seems to me from what you wrote -you are enthusiastic about marriage and marrying him. He is enthusiastic about neither -at most, he might be convinced to marry you within the next couple of years if he's scared enough of losing you. So that is the information you have right now. If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay (or marry you without being dragged to the altar out of fear of losing you) - that is the only "stage" you need because when your internal/private deadline is over then you can go to him and tell him that you are done. No ultimatum -just simply tell him I am at the "stage" of wanting someone who wants to marry me with joy, delight, enthusiasm as the majority of the feelings. You are not there. If you ever are there you can contact me otherwise I will give you ___ to find a place (like, a month or less) and then please do not contact me other than if it's a life/death emergency or you changed your mind and want nothing more than to be my husband and start a family with me."

 

I am very concerned you will waste more time -more precious time in your 30s - by seeing this as more than one stage with a definite end date. If he finds himself at a stage where he is ready to marry you of course he will want you to know that ASAP so you are not snapped up by some other guy and also because he wants to marry you and be married.

 

I wasted too much time in my 30s in a not quite right relationship -I was the one dragging my feet for most of that time. I'm just darn lucky that I became the right person to find the right person before it was too late for us to be parents after we fell in love and got married.

[irisesdontcr]

Thanks Batya! That makes a lot of sense. By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.

[Wiseman2]

It there a cultural difference? Were either of you in relationships before?

 

Problem is he's not your husband, not even fiance. You simply have a live-in bf who mooches off of you. Why can't he and his family finance his education? Why is he still in college at his age? Has he ever lived alone or been financially independent? You are not married all he a offers is talk and pipe-dreams about his family's house.

 

Therefore your supporting him is basically money and your future down the drain. He may stick around, you may eventually be able to have kids with him...but then what? It sounds like you want him around believing his 'poor me I got screwed' stories and stories about how the honey will flow if/when his father dies. This is all talk. This isn't about "I have a job, so all is well".

 

So basically instead of a ring or a legal commitment, what you actually have is someone who gives you a lot of talk, spends every other weekend partying with friends, and lies about his whereabouts when he's out all night and knows he can sleep it off and get a hug and a credit card for doing this.. When he's done with his education you he's move on to a younger model.

Aren't there many house husbands who take care of the house primarily while their SO works? Or couples where one supports the other completely while they pursue some degree ?

 

His family scrwd him over and it ended up collapsing. But he was doing really well with it and managing school before they got involved. We were flush with capital and he splurged so much on me/us since he could.

[Jibralta]

If he walks away he would have nothing, and will probably lose his dads house . If someone didnt help him out he would be $$$ in debt with loans just for living expenses.

 

I think he can almost say the same thing about you. Except he'll say it about marriage and kids, not money. If you walk away, you'd have nothing, too. You'd have to start over and take your chances with a new guy to get your marriage and children.

 

Each of you holds hostage what the other one needs.

 

By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.

 

Why not??

[Wiseman2]

Agree, when he's ready to marry and have kids he'll find someone after his free education you're providing. When he starts working he won't need you and he'll leave. You can wag your finger at him "bad boy" but that won't change the fact that he's on a free ride while you have nothing, not even a written agreement that he'll pay you back.

 

He already has no respect for you, your money, your feelings, your future desires or your concerns. If he did he would not be out prowling all night in Tijuana with his buddies and blow you off spending your money. Blow off marriage (to you) and simply coast along while you pay his fare. BTW, he can find a new sugar-mama at any time.

You'd have to start over and take your chances with a new guy to get your marriage and children.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks Batya! That makes a lot of sense. By stages I meant detangling the two conversations - lack of communication last night vs the future. I dont want to make one seem like it influenced the other.

 

But they are connected, are they not?

[Batya33]

Oh. I don't see that as two stages at all. Perhaps they are separate issues to an extent with overlap. You can indulge yourself by procrastinating "oh well I'm going to wait and see how we do in our Communication" -uppercase because often it's used a a big pyscho-speak word to avoid the nitty gritty. The conversation over his going out can take about two minutes. You tell him with I statements how you feel when he goes out and doesn't respond to your text/doesn't check in and see what he says. Depending on his reaction you can tell him that there is a bigger issue here -that if he has time for all this socializing you feel frustrated that he is not instead spending this time looking for a way to improve his financial situation (which overlaps with marriage). After that one, short conversation -short, because either you two are on the same page or you are not - that might help you with your decision about whether he is a good match for you for marriage.

 

So if you freeze your eggs at age 31 -is that partly because of his delaying marriage, possibly forever? It's interesting because my friend froze her eggs in her late 30s. Around that time she met her future husband. They married when she was 40 or almost. But then he changed his mind about having kids - this was about 5 years ago -or more - she was thinking of divorcing but so far has not. But, if they'd been serious when she'd started freezing her eggs I can bet they would have both paid for it. It's telling that you're in a serious long term relationship and making this plan on your own.

[DancingFool]

So he had regular jobs prior to me meeting him. It was pocket cash. Then he had a string of unconventional jobs. He used his skills with cars to turn a profit and was doing that when we met. He had a little cash. I had a lot more, stable salary. So if we wanted to do things regularly I would pay. He paid when he had it. Then came this business venture. His cash flow was considerable. He spoiled me with it until his family messed him over. At the same time he was struggling with this science course, had failed it 2x already. So I told him about 2 years ago to stop working and focus on the course and pass it. Then he can try to get a job again. He somewhat agreed. Still did some car part flips on the side.

 

Then his dad died, he failed that class again. For the last year he grieved , I've never seen him like that before. Now here we are in 2020 and hes back to trying to pass this class (he needs it to move on), this time hes getting tested for learning issues and getting tutoring. Hes not working but he gets financial aid and took out a loan to help with our expenses.

 

So he can make good money when it comes to cars and business. In fact, by your own posts, he is quite talented and capable of financial success and proven so. Instead of focusing on what he is good at, you and him are focusing on what he is bad at - school. Wasting years working on a degree is not going to make him successful. Focusing on his natural talents and passions will. So I wonder how much and how hard you are influencing him to pursue failure because that's the only thing that you personally understand - go to college, graduate, get a job.

 

The rest of your relationship is equally concerning. You admittedly have nothing in common with his family and friends. You claim he is different from his friends, but really....you are fooling yourself here. If you want to know who a man is, look at his friends. If you don't get along with his friends and fam, if you feel like a total outsider....your relationship will end up on the rocks as well. Looking from the outside in, the foundation of your relationship is nothing more than you trying to parent and financially support an adult who is perfectly capable of supporting himself, yet you tell yourself that he can't. You are literally telling yourself that you are soooo important that without you, not only him but his entire extended family will go belly up. You also tell yourself that you don't care about money, but....you do in that you have invested so much into this relationship, you are growing resentful as you are not getting the ROI you want - marriage.

 

I agree with Blue that not telling you where he is going or when he will be back is nothing more than a form of rebellion, conscious or not. It wouldn't happen if the relationship was more balanced, but it isn't. You can't really blame him for that either as a lot of this is you setting up this dynamic. If you do some honest soul searching, you'll probably find that this dynamic makes you feel in control and therefore comfortable on some level even if it's not happy and even if you are becoming resentful. There is a huge undertone of you are better than him, better than his fam, better than his friends and he should rise to your level of "better". This sort of dynamic tends to implode abruptly as the other person gets fed up. The not telling you where he is, is nothing more than ice starting to crack.