Is this going somewhere?

[reinventmyself]

Asking him where the two of you stand and telling him you are moving on. . is a little much from someone who isn't even dating him.

 

And I am pretty sure he already knows how you feel about him.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be so blunt.

 

But it seems you have a handle on it. Sorry it didn't work out the way you wanting it to.

[irka000]

I agree, he will contact you in his own time and act like all is good.

Then you need to ignore it. Two things can happen

He will finally get motivated and actually start getting involved or he will be gone.

Sadly I think if it has been so long and not much yet happened...than I am afraid I would not hope for much more. He may get motivated to have intimate moment with you.

I don't want to make you feel bad but the fact that he doesn't even rush to being intimate suggests he is with someone.

This may sound very dramatic but are you sure you were actually in his place and not some friend of his ?

To me this feels so weird , you have a great connection, yet he doesn't take this any further.

You will be fine. You will meet someone where you won't have to wonder.

[Whillow]

I don't want to make you feel bad but the fact that he doesn't even rush to being intimate suggests he is with someone.

 

True. I don't think he's living with someone, but it does seem to suggest potentially a lot of things. If he's with someone else, he's still not getting all of what he needs from the relationship because he's still talking to me (at the very least and who knows how many others). If he's not with someone else, since he's not solely pursuing me (or pursuing me much at all), then he's playing the field. Like I said before, he's single and quite obviously allowed to do whatever he wants, I just don't have to subject myself to it. Much further than that, I don't care to put any more time into thinking about it, because it would all be conjecture to what end? I've obviously done some projecting of things onto him, so I'm going to learn from it, put it behind me and continue to focus on meeting my own needs.

 

This may sound very dramatic but are you sure you were actually in his place and not some friend of his ?

 

Yes, I'm sure it's his place. He's been sending me photos of different things in his home for the past just over a year, and everything in the photos was in the home when I've been there.

[irka000]

Did he respond to your message, if you don't mind me asking?

[Whillow]

Not a word.

[boltnrun]

Not a word.

 

Great! Now you can look to the future as an adventure. Who knows who you might meet? It's exciting.

[Whillow]

It is exciting, though I can't help but feel a little hurt and very humiliated. I'll be fine, though. Never live in negative emotions for very long. Life is too short for that.

 

Thank you, everyone, for the feedback!

[boltnrun]

You just asked him to dinner. No need to feel humiliated. I am glad you didn't send the message you originally wanted to. That would have been bad.

 

Look, men ask women out and get told "no" all the time. I would hope they don't feel "humiliated" each time. It's really no big deal.

[ninjabib]

No need to feel humiliated. It just means it wasn't meant to be. When i've been turned down i dont feel bad, i feel glad that any future time/energy wasted has been saved. You will be fine OP :)

[DancingFool]

Do yourself a favor and block his number so that you don't get sucked back into this 2 weeks to a month from now once he deigns to circle back to you. Spare yourself the bs and invest your time, life, and attention into better dating prospects. Most importantly, give yourself some strict standards/rules to pay attention to. For example, look for a man who leads with a steady pace, not red hot, not cold either. Sets up regular dates, does what he says he will, calls you when he says he will. Beware of "bonding" over damaged pasts as that's a red flag. You should be bonding over the present - mutual interests, learning about each other, doing fun things and developing a healthy friendship. Look for that to grow steadily into a deeper connection and eventually relationship. One where you are both physically and mentally present. One where you don't have to wonder where he is at or why he hasn't called you back in three days. If that sounds too bland, boring and predictable, if you find yourself drawn to drama and unpredictability instead....you probably have some work to do on yourself.

[proseyxi]

Dearest, you sound like an empath. I can sense your deep emotional connection with this man. I`ve been there and it can be wonderful and destractive at the same time. PLEASE I DO NOT MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, but I have to be hosnest if I am to help you. So, these are my points, since he`s a grown ass man:

 

-he would have had his feelings about you two sorted out long ago and communicated them to you. It sounds to me that he`s stringing you along. And as an experienced man I bet he already knows that you have fell for him hard. Are you sure he`s not otherwise involved as in long time gf, engaged, married or divorced with kids?

 

- I personally refuse the idea that he "needs time". For what? It` been well over a year knowing you and since, he hasn`t made much progress. I think he likes you but not as much as you do. He keeps his options open and in this case, you are AN option among many. Maybe he comes back to you when he needs a pick me up, or his other options are out of sight. Be extremely careful.

 

- "step away so he can find himself." Listen, don`t buy into the stuff you read online or that your girl friends are saying. These ideas are just soothing the minds of (us) women who are so invested in a man that we tend to sacrifice our better judgement and greater good. Do not lower your standards for a man. You want companionship, a real relationship and he is not providing it. Good looks and a smart brain are good, but love is a full equasion and you just deal withe less than half right now. Chin up! Don`t let your spirit down!

 

- "If he weren't interested, wouldn't he hear me and take that time that space I have given him and just not come back?" yes he would. Because people sometimes use and abuse in order to extract whatever feeling they are lacking in their lives. Words don`t matter, actions don`t matter. It`s the frequency, quality ANDDDDD consistancy that matters. You gave him 14 months of your precious life. It`s more than plenty. Give no more. You can do better. There are people out there just like you.

 

 

The things you wanted to say to him are not pushy, or needy, or clingy at all. It`s a beautiful expression of the deepest feeling there is - that of love. But the receiver is what`s wrong. He didn`t gain these feelings, he didn`t work for them, he does not 1000000% deserve them. Period. Save them for the person that will do all those things. I know it`s hard. If you read my story here, you`ll see I`m as troubled as you are. But don`t be like me. Be brave and headstrong.

 

May I ask your age? And if you`d like, may I suggest some youtube channels with you that helped me get better and move on?

[Wiseman2]

Ok he was a fun boy toy for a while while you regrouped from the end of a 15 yr. LTR. Enjoy what it was for what it was. Now you are free and clear to start dating men who are more mature and able to offer more.

I'm 40 and he's significantly younger. As others so rightly said, this is a fantasy situationship.

[Whillow]

Thanks, y'all. I appreciate it.

 

proseyxi, I'm 40. I would welcome the youtube channel suggestion... and any books anyone else could suggest for setting normal and appropriate boundaries for dating.

[Lambert]

Thanks, y'all. I appreciate it.

 

proseyxi, I'm 40. I would welcome the youtube channel suggestion... and any books anyone else could suggest for setting normal and appropriate boundaries for dating.

I think a lot of this comes with knowing yourself and what you want from a relationship, aside from the "tall, dark & handsome"

 

Someone said it-- consistency. Someone who cares for you, from the get go, treats you well and considers your feelings, how his actions appear and effect you on a regular basis and shows you.

 

We talk a lot about chemistry and attraction. Of course those are important and required but the very minute a new potential date starts being inconsiderate or whatever, you act accordingly by removing yourself from the situation.

 

Its not harsh... its actually is the best thing for YOU. For example, someone not answering you for a long time... You never text a 2nd time. If they text you back 3 days later, you wait 3 days to text them back. By the third day, you probably don't care anymore and decide not to text back and it dies there. You're not hurt, you didn't waste any of your precious time and they know you value yourself enough, you don't need them.

 

Knowing yourself, liking who you are, and enjoying time on your own is the key to happiness. It doesn't mean you won't get screwed over, it means those who are really not invested in you, are not a concern. Because if someone is not treating you well, you are happy to go it alone.

 

That's the real part of self-care, self-love, not baths and chocolates. Its discipline that you are going to make good choices for yourself and not let anyone have negative power over you, chasing, begging, explaining, they simply don't work.

[maew]

I don't want to make you feel bad but the fact that he doesn't even rush to being intimate suggests he is with someone.

 

Meh... this is just making yet another excuse for the way he is behaving.

 

The reality is OP... he probably did like you, just not enough to make you his GF.

 

He didn't want to rush to being intimate because he has probably been burned before by women getting the wrong idea and wants to proceed with caution.

 

Yes this stings when it happens... especially if we have been hoping for more and pursuing someone for their potential vs. who they really are... and it also teaches us what to look for when someone really does want to be in a relationship with us. (hint: it will be the exact opposite of what you just experienced.)

 

Onwards and upwards!

[bluecastle]

especially if we have been hoping for more and pursuing someone for their potential vs. who they really are

 

Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

 

This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

 

Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

 

The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.

[Lambert]

Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

 

This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

 

Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

 

The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.

I get you Blue [emoji170]

[Whillow]

Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

 

This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

 

Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

 

The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.

 

Yeah, I get it. Thank you so much. I needed to hear it, all of this. Gotta love the beauty of hindsight--reflecting on things of the past so we can learn to not repeat them. Of course I wouldn't have signed up for that. I just kept making excuses, I guess, and thinking that if he'd just spend some more in-person time with me, he would see how amazing I am in person versus words on a screen and pixels in a photo here and there, and I truly thought we would actually eventually get there. I really felt that given enough time he would find me as worthy of his time and energy to get to know better, because I believe I'm worth it. I thought he would, with time, compassion and acceptance, lower his wall and let me in. Looking back on it now, I wish I had done and said things differently.

 

As for pursuing someone for their potential versus who they are--I did feel like I knew him. He's incredibly reserved. I've seen him in social settings and he's so very quiet, doesn't talk to people much. Very much a strong, silent type. But yet, he would tell me things, talk to me and seemingly open up. It felt like he was learning to trust me. Not necessarily making excuses for myself, I guess I just got caught up in hoping for a direction that was probably never on the radar. Now I just need to be done with this and close the door so I can get my head right again.

[Lambert]

Yeah, I get it. Thank you so much. I needed to hear it, all of this. Gotta love the beauty of hindsight--reflecting on things of the past so we can learn to not repeat them. Of course I wouldn't have signed up for that. I just kept making excuses, I guess, and thinking that if he'd just spend some more in-person time with me, he would see how amazing I am in person versus words on a screen and pixels in a photo here and there, and I truly thought we would actually eventually get there. I really felt that given enough time he would find me as worthy of his time and energy to get to know better, because I believe I'm worth it. I thought he would, with time, compassion and acceptance, lower his wall and let me in. Looking back on it now, I wish I had done and said things differently.

 

As for pursuing someone for their potential versus who they are--I did feel like I knew him. He's incredibly reserved. I've seen him in social settings and he's so very quiet, doesn't talk to people much. Very much a strong, silent type. But yet, he would tell me things, talk to me and seemingly open up. It felt like he was learning to trust me. Not necessarily making excuses for myself, I guess I just got caught up in hoping for a direction that was probably never on the radar. Now I just need to be done with this and close the door so I can get my head right again.

Right on, Whillow. Its gonna be ok. We've all done things like this, wasted our time, let ourselves only see what we wanted to see and not just with romantic partners, with friends, family, colleagues....

 

Hold on to your accepting nature but reserve it for the people who actually deserve it. The people that invest in you and your relationship.

 

Onward and upward!

[proseyxi]

Dear Whillow,

 

I listen to The Love Chat, Dating Guy and Derrick Jaxn. While the first two focus on no contact, they do it in a way as to litterally move on from an ex and regain power of your life and dating experience. Derrick is giving advice in a more passionate manner and he has helped me understand that bs is bs, a thing us women some times think is something up to interpretation. All of the are no bs, they are keeping it real and don`t sugar coat. They also don`t sell you things in every single video which is a problem with all these phony "coaches". These are my top 3. Additionally I sometimes listen to Kev Hick and Mark Rosenfeld. They are decent but more diplomatic in their approach.

 

As in books, the one that have helped me are How to Think Like a Cat by Stéphane Garnier and Why Men Love es by Sherry Argov which is by now a classic in the dating scene. I also enjoy 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan B. Peterson as in a way to "wake" me up in all aspects of my life. One I`m yet to read and everyone says it helps is the 5 languages of love. So, see that also.