Co-Worker/Friend

[Billie28]

This coworker is creeped out by you. She has tried to tippy toe around you and stop / minimise contact with you because you have behaved very inappropriately ,increasingly so and in her eyes creepy.

She will never see you any differently and will always attempt to keep you at a distance from here on.

 

She is likely saving any communication from you in case she needs to file for sexual harassment.

 

I strongly advise you to stop all communication unless strictly work related.

 

You embarked on an emotional affair that the coworker was not interested in having.

You didn’t tell your wife , because an emotional affair is so much worse than a physical one.

You are not as naive as you claim to be.

 

Make a sandwich every night and eat it at your desk for lunch.

Problem solved.

[SherrySher]

Also..you're lucky she didn't complain to her boyfriend and he came there and gave you a black eye. Lots of men would have come and asked what your problem was.

I don't condone violence, but you were severely crossing boundaries.

 

I don't have tolerance for men like you. Focus on your wife, be good to her, leave other women alone. Simple.

 

It's one thing to be polite and have small chats here and there but what you are wanting is a full on relationship, and that's called cheating. You shouldn't expect anything more than a few chats here and there with co workers. But don't get attached and expect and want more unless you want problems coming your way.

 

If your wife isn't satisfying you, then divorce her and find someone who is going to give you the time and attention you are desiring. But what you are doing now, is just plain wrong.

[Spawn]

Try to put more effort to understand, accept there are underlying issues with your marraige.

Focus should be your marraige forget the co-worker.

You have feelings for her that is what is causing all this.

let her go, she has a boyfriend who can take care of her, shift your focus.

if you can block her on social media, whatsapp etc do so, keep things professional , if you start doing this from today you will get back some control of your life.

It will be difficult with your wife initially but things will only work out if you face them headon.... that is if you want to give your marriage another chance.

[Wiseman2]

You need to reread your employers sexual harassment policy and leave this woman alone. She has a bf. Seeing a doctor and a therapist will help you get over this delusion/obsession.

 

Erotomania may indicate some underlying neurological or psychiatric disorder: https://www.healthline.com/health/erotomania

This lady joined like slightly after me. I am married and she also has a BF

[Andrina]

Setting up relationship boundaries will ensure marital success. You're lacking an emotional connection with your wife, and having an emotional affair at work is a symptom of this. Read about emotional affairs so you can make a plan to avoid them in the future. Delete and block your co-workers number. If she asks why, tell her you made a mistake and realize it was wrong to embark on a close friendship with another female, and for the good of your marriage, you're acting accordingly. Be pleasant when you pass by her at work. Don't stop at her desk for a chat. Don't go to lunch with her. If you have downtime at work, read a book about how to have a successful marriage. Write a letter to your wife to tell her all the ways you appreciate her. Make a bucket list of all the activities you want to do with your wife in the future. This will retrain your brain to be focused on your wife.

 

And then read articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with your wife. If you were my husband and I had read your wall of text about another woman, I would've been immediately filing for divorce. This should be your wake up call that major changes need to take place about your boundaries and your life's focus.

[kim42]

I agree with others, you may want to speak with a therapist to try to understand why you got so attached to this woman.

[Cherylyn]

Thanks Cherylyn! Likewise.

 

I hope you know by now that your wife will always take top priority in your life with your utmost sincere, honorable devotion, attention and loyalty to her even when her back is turned. She should be able to trust you unequivocally. No more hanky panky on the side because there's something sneaky and dishonest about that behavior. You have a wife and she has a boyfriend. Respect those boundaries.

 

I'm married. My husband works in an office environment and knows how to behave as do I at my workplace. We are kind toward our colleagues, have normal professional yet safely distant work relationships. We are respectful and know what lines not to cross because it's common sense. We don't get chummy with each other, don't engage in friendly texting banter with relentless back 'n forth correspondence whether texts, voicemails, emails nor messages. We're cordial, brief and always professional. We'll celebrate group retirements, birthdays, have company potlucks and the like but we stop it right there. We don't go overboard. We have unspoken common sense rules of conduct and etiquette. None of us get personal. We know how to behave professionally and honorably for everyone's sake. It goes without saying. We don't bother anyone. We earn our paychecks and go home in that order.

[Batya33]

Thank you all again for your helpful advice!

 

Please note I am not a bad guy! Naiive and emotionally stupid yes, but not a bad guy!

 

I promise I will stop and I will ensure a comfortable work-environment once again. And I will update you on how things are going. Please check back here!

 

Thanks!

Steve

 

I don't believe you were naive or emotionally stupid at all. You made the choices to act on your feelings and to act in inappropriate ways. I met my husband at work. I have very close friends I originally met at work. When I met my husband we were single and we did not work together so dating was low risk. Close friends -yes I had male and female close friends I originally met at work. Work is a great place to form close friendships. I'm married now and working and I have a female work friend I have lunch with every few months. But I am careful to have boundaries so that whatever personal stuff I share is irrelevant to my job duties/responsibilities and I never ever gossip or complain about work (I basically love my work so it's not hard to be positive!). Neither does she. If she were a gossip/crossed boundaries we would not be friends. My husband has female colleagues where they are also friendly. I trust him 100%. Once in awhile a female colleague will need to discuss work stuff in the evening over the phone. Yes, sometimes the conversations touch on non-work topics - because we're human, we're not robots who can always separate work from non-work. So she might tell him about her son's school issue, he might tell her about our planned vacations or decisions we need to make about our son's schooling, etc. But again if you are solid in your boundaries, in your loyalty to your family it's easy to stay appropriate and easy to see warning signs on the other end and avoid it from ever becoming an issue.

[s2teve]

Hi All: Thanks again for the constructive feedbacks. My special thanks to Cherylyn and bluecastle (and all other positive comments). I have an update that I would like to share:

I gathered my thoughts last night and decided to stay off this whole thing. I wrote an apology note, completely and sincerely. In the morning, I texted her and apologized for the behavior and the unprofessional and inappropriate behavior. I explained how I was blind to her subtle hints all along and mentioned how I will respect her place at work and hope to be good colleagues together. I said I like to create a civil and comfortable work environment for us. She completely became happy and said thank-you and she said she feels a weight off her shoulders. She even came by to talk to me face to face and could see my sincerity in the matter. I said you will notice the change and I made a promise (if she doesn't see the change), that I will change my name. Throughout the day she even initiated convos/texts strictly about normal work stuff and I kept it at that. She even said bye at the end before going home. I swear upon my mother I am completely telling it like it happened today.

 

More importantly I had a revelation that came over me last night. I saw this for what it's worth and the stupidity of the whole thing. It's been a complete waste of time and energy, of not only everyone involved but also of this thread. I made a vow to change for the better and look at her and people in a positive light. For one reason or another I commanded my feelings to shift toward this truth and toward drawing strong boundaries which I executed well today and vowed to continue to execute indefinitely. As I had mentioned this is not who I am and not sure what had come over me. I will keep that promise to her and to you. Time will strengthen this more and more and by the passage of time, she will see its strength even more. I am fully done with this. I will utilize my time in the reading material that I am behind in and what my expertise are at to improve myself and offer something back to the world - I do have a lot to offer in my field.

 

I am not done yet. I am going to pray nightly and ask God for forgiveness and also for delivering me from any future temptations. He has always aided me in the past for any situation and showed himself to me. As I mean this with every fiber of my being, he knows I truly mean it.

 

Thank you,

Steve.

[Billie28]

 

I am not done yet. I am going to pray nightly and ask God for forgiveness and also for delivering me from any future temptations. He has always aided me in the past for any situation and showed himself to me. As I mean this with every fiber of my being, he knows I truly mean it.

 

Any future temptations?? So you admit it now?

 

Earlier you swore to God all you wanted was someone to have lunch breaks with.

 

Now you are asking God for forgiveness but for what? For swearing on him? For lying to us? Or for being tempted to and attempting to have an affair?

 

Have you asked your wife for forgiveness? You did more wrong by her than this co worker? And yet you apologise to the coworker?

Of course the coworker is happy that you have decided to stop harassing her, she contacted you as needed for work purposes only and said a polite bye so as not to aggravate you.

 

She doesn’t actually care if you change your ways or not , as long as they don’t involve her.

 

Don’t compare someone glancing at another and appreciating that they are good looking etc to another who spent a lot of time attempting to contact a person , meet them, get upset with them for not wanting to and then creating a thread about it.

 

There is no comparison.

 

Hopefully your wife understands .

Best of luck.

[Billie28]

Now go use your little accusing-brains to think about that for a second.

 

As it turned out those “accusing brains” were not so little and just figured you out. Because all you were “accused” of is what you have just admitted to being guilty of.

 

You should be grateful to the little brains for saving you from a sexual harassment file and potential loss of job, career, income.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully she doesn't use the note as evidence of sexual harassment. Alternatively she could show this to your wife if you keep being unprofessional in any way or her husband asks questions, etc. Writing all this admitting to your attraction, pursuit of her and sexual harassment was whose idea? Certainly not an attorney's. "Satan" did not make you sexually harass this woman.

 

It would be best to get in to individual therapy as a well marriage therapy to open some dialogue with your wife. See a doctor for an evaluation. You may not have to confess to all this but this could turn problematic at any time. You need to leave this woman alone including writing personal notes.

I wrote an apology note, completely and sincerely. In the morning, I texted her and apologized for the behavior and the unprofessional and inappropriate behavior.

[boltnrun]

It apparently makes you feel better to think everyone is trying to have affairs like you were. You contacted her asking to meet during a work holiday!

 

And no, looking at someone is NOT the same as trying to meet up with a woman behind your wife's back and hiding it from her.

 

I presume you are in fact still reading. I hope you aren't going to continue to blame "satan" for what you tried to do. I also hope you stop writing that woman notes, letters, messages or emails. And I hope you refocus on your wife.

[Billie28]

It apparently makes you feel better to think everyone is trying to have affairs like you were. You contacted her asking to meet during a work holiday!

 

And no, looking at someone is NOT the same as trying to meet up with a woman behind your wife's back and hiding it from her.

 

I presume you are in fact still reading. I hope you aren't going to continue to blame "satan" for what you tried to do. I also hope you stop writing that woman notes, letters, messages or emails. And I hope you refocus on your wife.

 

Of course he is still reading.

But he won’t respond because he excuses his behaviour as being controlled by Satan and still hopes God will forgive him.

But unfortunately for him he has on here lied and sworn to god , so he is clearly doomed either way.

 

The best he can hope for in this life is that his wife forgives him. And that he doesn’t lose his job on a sexual harassment case.

 

If only he told the truth from the beginning , God might have taken his side. But no!

[irka000]

Steve, you received spot on advice.

I must admit I found your post disturbing beyond belief. You said you are a good man who would never hurt anyone. That you don't have a heart to be bad to someone , to ignore. Yet, you have done all the above to your wife.

When last time, did you take your wife out? When did you spend Friday night with her ? She is probably tired working 6 days a week but I am sure it would be lovely to be " seen" .

Believe me, if your wife knew, you laying in a bed next to her but have a sleepless night because of co-worker, this would break her heart in pieces.

As others so rightly advised, you are lucky co-worker man did not find out and did not wait outside for you at work. You are also lucky that this woman did not report you to HR.

Your day would look slightly different today.

You are lucky you have a have a job where you have a time to be bored. Co-worker however only joined and as you stated she always needs help. Let her work in peace. She might got herself in trouble for spending time in meeting rooms with you than actually working.

I don't quite understand why do you need to text each other at work if you are seating next to her ?

It was painful to read how you trying to figure her out, if she will warm up to you again if you will get colder etc....romance at work it is a bad idea, when both parties are single. When both parties are involved with someone else ? Married ? Well, you do the math - you should be good at it- math is your hobby !

You admitted to your mistakes. Hopefully you are actually mean it. However writing apology text or letter was another, almost pathetic move. You don't need to announce anyone you that you are planning behave appropriately- you just doing it.

As others also said, she has now a great evidence, in case needed.

Please don't contact this woman again and don't try to show or prove her anything. Are you trying to get rewarded for it ? Wake up ! Please don't read her every word, smile, move into anything...into small success that things are progressing.

All the best