I fell in love with a heroin addict. Will she ever wake up?

[RayRay63]

I suggest you get involved in some new activities which don't usually attract people with substance abuse habits.

 

Probably physical activities such as hiking, or sailing, or the like would work.

 

Apart from keeping you busy, you never know when you might meet someone interesting.

[Wiseman2]

C'mon. The chances that all you meet are IV heroin addicts is less than winning the lotto. You are willfully and deliberately associating with and seeking them out. Either because you have drug, addiction or mental health problems yourself or you just want people who are easy, broken and garbage you can toss out. Be honest with yourself and stop using people who use people. Get out of the dumpster looking for easy sex.

I never come across anyone who has their life together. There always seems to be a substance issue, mental illness or maturity issue.

[smackie9]

Wiseman: The amount of people who are sufferers are more common than you think. The people that get hired on at my company, more likely than not, have an addiction issue, mental health issue, or both. The problem as of now is huge. People I went to school with, coworkers, and some of our friends are drug addicted, committed suicide, are living on the streets running from the law, etc. At one time they were hard working people with good paying jobs, kids, married, owned a house, making a decent living. It seems it's happening at such a rate, neighborhoods are decapitated from druggies, gangs. 10 years ago my neighbourhood was a nice place. Now I want to get the f out of here. The drug and mental health issues are so overwhelming, the system can no longer deal with it...the damn is ready to burst. So the OP is not far off on that comment.

[SherrySher]

Once again, Smackie is correct.

 

I think anywhere you go in this world, you will find that the numbers have drastically increased in the number of people addicted and the number of mental illnesses.

 

But it's a symptoms of a world that's gone wrong and and getting worse and worse.

People go astray for many reasons. Most times, they too are overwhelmed and are looking for an escape, even if it's a chemical one.

They are not necessarily "bad" people, they are lost people who need help.

 

But the average person cannot help them. You cannot love an addict enough to cure them. They need professional help for many many months and rehab, even then the chances of relapse is still quite huge as the drugs now a days are extremely difficult to get off of and stay off of for good.

 

The bottom line is, only those who are going through these addictions can make the choice to save themselves.

And it is heartbreaking how many are falling into addiction and mental health issues. Our world is becoming too difficult for people to cope with.

I wish there were silver linings, but it's hard to see them right now.

I think many communities are experiencing similar.

[Wiseman2]

Nonsense. If you think there are more heroin addicts than sober people you are watching way too many reality tv shows or hanging out in too many seedy places. Birds of a feather. No one in their right mind would date an IV heroin addict unless they use drugs themselves. So no. Dating heroin addicts is not just another option that can't be avoided..

Wiseman: So the OP is not far off on that comment.

[boltnrun]

I am friends and acquainted with dozens of people. Not of them is a drug addict. ONE friend smokes pot for a medical condition. The rest don't use drugs of any kind.

 

If I can find dozens of non drug users so can anyone else.

[aaforever]

C'mon. The chances that all you meet are IV heroin addicts is less than winning the lotto. You are willfully and deliberately associating with and seeking them out. Either because you have drug, addiction or mental health problems yourself or you just want people who are easy, broken and garbage you can toss out. Be honest with yourself and stop using people who use people. Get out of the dumpster looking for easy sex.

 

Man you're assessment of me couldn't be more wrong. Don't do drugs, have no addiction, no mental health problems, and don't prey on broken women or seek out heroin addicts to use lmao. I have a soft spot for people who are down and out so when I get involved with them I have a hard time letting go. It's due to growing up with family conflict and consoling my mother throughout my childhood. I've learned this in therapy. I've faced a lot of adversity in my life as well. I grew up pretty poor, got out of my town young and made something of myself. I've broken a lot of cycles in my life (obviously I still need to break this one). It made me believe that we all have the ability to change and break out of our toxic environments or habits. This is why I always try to build people up and tend to believe in them more than they believe in theirselves. It's funny how you just default to labeling me as some sort of lowlife when in reality I'm actually someone with a big heart who actually gives a about people and don't just throw people away because they are in a bad spot. Obviously it's to my own detriment but I will learn to protect myself better moving forward.

[maew]

Nonsense. If you think there are more heroin addicts than sober people you are watching way too many reality tv shows or hanging out in too many seedy places.

 

Not where she lives Wiseman... I know the area well, the problems in that city are horrendous and getting worse by the day.

[Wiseman2]

Don't have sex on the first date or continue to date with people who have track marks. That's all. That's not really helping you or them regardless of your past.

I'm actually someone with a big heart who actually gives a about people and don't just throw people away because they are in a bad spot. Obviously it's to my own detriment but I will learn to protect myself better moving forward.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. What you can do is volunteer in a children's hospital, veterans center, hospice, nursing home, animal shelter or volunteer for meals on wheels or donate to any of these places. Comfort someone who is sick or lonely or dying. Collect for toys for tots, or volunteer in a soup kitchen on holidays. Be someone who is on the line listening at an addiction center or suicide hotline or domestic violence hotline. The world needs more altruistic people.

I have a soft spot for people who are down and out so when I get involved with them I have a hard time letting go.

[smackie9]

Nonsense. If you think there are more heroin addicts than sober people you are watching way too many reality tv shows or hanging out in too many seedy places. Birds of a feather. No one in their right mind would date an IV heroin addict unless they use drugs themselves. So no. Dating heroin addicts is not just another option that can't be avoided..

 

I never said there are more, I'm saying it's more common than you think. And I'm not watching too much TV I just have to go out my door to see it. There are needles everywhere. Outside the grocery store, parks, playgrounds,...it's disgusting. This is not limited to poor neighborhoods, even nice neighborhoods has this problem.

[smackie9]

True story: years ago I had a temp work with me. She was a recovering addict, I didn't know and she didn't have to tell me, but she wanted me to know. She was smart, hard working, and just a beautiful person. I really liked her, and kept having her come back. One day she told me she suspected her BF of cheating....she stopped showing up. I knew something bad happened. A week later she shows up. She had the decency to come back, to let me know what happened. She couldn't cope with her BF dumping her and she was back doing drugs again. She apologized over and over, that she disappointed me and she could work anymore, then she left crying. But before she ran out she thanked me for giving her the opportunity to work with me. My heart really went out to her. a few months later I saw her on the news about the drug issues on the lower east side of Vancouver....she looked like death, I was devastated. Like I said in the beginning if she didn't tell me I would never have known. Just like any of the others I have met, I would never have known if they didn't tell me. So the image of an addict, or even an alcoholic, is not always someone rolling around in a dumpster in a back ally. Lot of them are just as normal as you or me. They have families, jobs, etc.

[smackie9]

I am friends and acquainted with dozens of people. Not of them is a drug addict. ONE friend smokes pot for a medical condition. The rest don't use drugs of any kind.

 

If I can find dozens of non drug users so can anyone else.

 

It really depends on demographics. I have friends, and school friends and coworkers that fell to addiction....some even died from overdoses. I don't choose to hangout with drug addicted people, they become addicted, then they usually walk out of your life. Well one time I ended up walking away because they got so bad.

[Lambert]

Truthfully, I didn't read the whole thing. But I think I got the gist... because here's the thing, when you are with an addict, this is how it is.... a constant dance of disappointments, drama, craziness excuses, apologies, blame game, but I love you... repeat.

 

Whatever she said or says, you cant give it any stock. She loves drugs. Her brain can't help it. The drugs and drinking will not stop until she gets real about her own situation. She has to do it for herself.

 

It's not you. It's not. All relationships ebb and flow and no one is perfect but this relationship was doomed from the start. She is a drug addict and alcoholic.

 

Add in an addict parent, giving her weed? that is ridiculous... but since she has a person in her life and a huge influence (parent) enabling her, the deck is stacked against her even more.

 

I'm sorry but you are not qualified to deal with her and her addictions. Take it as a lesson learned and stay away! Do not get involved with drug users... They will ruin your life.

 

Some have such extensive brain and nervous system damage, they will never make a good partner. Depending on when she started and the damage she has done, her maturity is stunted. She may be your age, but developmentally much younger.

 

Change your number and move on.

 

edited to answer your question... she may never realize what she lost. Addicts lose most of the good things in life... they choose the drugs... it is a disease and a sickness. Not a reflection of your effort....

[aaforever]

 

Add in an addict parent, giving her weed? that is ridiculous... but since she has a person in her life and a huge influence (parent) enabling her, the deck is stacked against her even more.

 

 

That's the part that really sickens me about the whole thing. The enabling of the parents. Imagine having to call your partners father and ask them "Why they gave their daughter who is in recovery weed brownies?"

I dont know how many times she'd call me either drunk or stoned and I'd say "Where'd you get the wine or the weed?"... Her: "My dad" or "My sister". It's like the entire family is either oblivious, doesn't care, has addiction issues themselves or suffers from mental illnesses. The sister has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the father and mother are hooked on prescription valium and God knows what else, the mother slept through her daughters entire childhood, her Grandpa is a sicko who tried to grab her and kiss her once, and anyone normal in the family keeps their distance from all of them. The poor Grandmother was the only one who knew how troubled she was and was always hands on trying to keep her busy with church or lending a helping hand somewhere. She was my only ally. She'd always tell me to "Keep on her". I want to reach out to her but I know I need to move on and forget any of this ever happened. So far so good. I think about it a lot but I'm staying busy and am optimistic about my future.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting topic for your own thread.

True story: years ago I had a temp work with me.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, you need to move on from her, OP.

 

This was never going to work, and you enabled her her as well. Perhaps you didn’t supply her with drugs but you definitely made some choices that were not at all compatible with her sobriety from drugs and alcohol. I don’t believe you had malicious intentions but you were also ill-equipped and misguided in trying to help her.

 

Will she recover someday? Hopefully, but it’s not a given. Even if she does, it is unlikely she will see the value in your former relationship that you hope. It was unhealthy and in many ways you were inadvertently part of the problem. My guess is that she will remember your time together with some fondness, yes, but not something she wants to revisit as part of a clean and sober lifestyle.

[Lambert]

That's the part that really sickens me about the whole thing. The enabling of the parents. Imagine having to call your partners father and ask them "Why they gave their daughter who is in recovery weed brownies?"

I dont know how many times she'd call me either drunk or stoned and I'd say "Where'd you get the wine or the weed?"... Her: "My dad" or "My sister". It's like the entire family is either oblivious, doesn't care, has addiction issues themselves or suffers from mental illnesses. The sister has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the father and mother are hooked on prescription valium and God knows what else, the mother slept through her daughters entire childhood, her Grandpa is a sicko who tried to grab her and kiss her once, and anyone normal in the family keeps their distance from all of them. The poor Grandmother was the only one who knew how troubled she was and was always hands on trying to keep her busy with church or lending a helping hand somewhere. She was my only ally. She'd always tell me to "Keep on her". I want to reach out to her but I know I need to move on and forget any of this ever happened. So far so good. I think about it a lot but I'm staying busy and am optimistic about my future.

 

I understand. One addict is hard enough to deal with, but when the family is dysfunctional, you really do have to save yourself. Do a you tube search on guided meditation. It helped me learn how to meditate to control my thoughts.... Of course thoughts will pop into your head, but meditation can help you let them go.

 

 

hang in there. Keep posting. It's good to vent and let things out. You will get through this and you will be happy again-- with someone better suited for you and your happiness. You don't have to sacrifice your life just because you love someone. You have to love yourself first.

[aaforever]

I understand. One addict is hard enough to deal with, but when the family is dysfunctional, you really do have to save yourself. Do a you tube search on guided meditation. It helped me learn how to meditate to control my thoughts.... Of course thoughts will pop into your head, but meditation can help you let them go.

 

 

hang in there. Keep posting. It's good to vent and let things out. You will get through this and you will be happy again-- with someone better suited for you and your happiness. You don't have to sacrifice your life just because you love someone. You have to love yourself first.

 

Thanks Lambert. Ive been doing pretty well. Until the other night. I had a small set back.

I logged onto my Instagram the other day to unfriend and block her.

Regretfully, I saw that she had removed all of her posts to zero and unblocked two people she used to get drugs from - her weed dealer friend and her "ex" before me she would use with. I shouldn't have checked but I did. Mistake.

 

Now that she has re-opened those doors, to me, this is pretty much confirmation she is inching towards the same dark hole I got her out of that will lead her to inevitable destruction and possibly her death. So sad and so dumb. Especially when this is coming from someone who once said to me:

 

"I'm going to therapy to let go of any shame, anger or deceit left in my heart. Those things come along with living the way I chose to live before I met you.

I'm taking all of this very seriously. I love you. I told you in my dream last night. But this isn't for you or us. It's for me. And it's going to be forever.

That's a promise I know I can keep IF I do all of this the right way.

I feel very lucky and blessed that I have you to point me in the right direction.

And I just pray you have the patience and the time for me to prove it.

I've never had anyone challenge me or love me the way you do..." etc. etc.

 

Cut to our last conversation:

Her: "You're too controlling. You're way too emotional. You have a temper. We're not compatible. It will never work. "

Me: "What about everything youve put me through? All the things behind my back, the lies etc? I still stuck with you. I never gave up."

Her: Sorry.

Me: "What happened to 'I'll never leave you, even if you cheated on me?'

Her: "Sorry."

Me: "What about everything in the bible you showed me about "Love is patient, love doesn't give up? or "I love you through the divinity of God"

Her: "Sorry. Maybe one day I'll be a better Christian."

Me: "Why not right now and what changed?"

Her: "Who knows maybe one day we can get back together. Right now I need to focus on me.

I'm not interested in dating for a long time."

Me: ...

Her: "I have a lot to offer other people."

Me: What does that mean?

Her: "Nevermind."

Me: ...

Her: "I need to go. We've been talking for 45 minutes. I'm hanging up."

 

 

How does one's mindset change so drastically like that? There's a part of me that feels she didn't even really love me. I think she mimicked what she thought loving someone is but doesnt really know how to do it. No one really has ever truly loved her to begin with so it makes sense. There's been times where I'd be feeling down about something or physically ill and she'd just sit and stare at me. Like she didn't know how to comfort me with words or touch. And when she tried it would be sort of robotic. But when she wanted comfort she'd come right up to me and be all over me and cuddly. She said there was a period of time where she wouldn't even let anyone touch her and I was the first she felt this comfortable with.

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I just needed to get this out. Thanks to everyone who has responded on here. It really helps to read other people's point of view. I really appreciate everyone here. Thanks again.

[Seraphim]

Addicts will tell you whatever you need to hear if it gets them somewhere.

[boltnrun]

Again, you rewarded her bad behavior. You told her over and over you loved her even when she said and did awful things. If she does something and your response is "I love you", why would she think she needed to change?

[Wiseman2]

Stop trying to save her. She needs detox/rehab and caring help from professionals, not you preaching at her to make yourself feel superior.

Me: "What about everything in the bible you showed me about "Love is patient, love doesn't give up? or "I love you through the divinity of God"

Her: "Sorry. Maybe one day I'll be a better Christian."

Me: "Why not right now and what changed?"

[aaforever]

Stop trying to save her. She needs detox/rehab and caring help from professionals, not you preaching at her to make yourself feel superior.

 

Yes it's not that my intentions were to care for her and try to keep her straight (although obviously unequipped to do so), no, it's that I wanted to feel superior to her. That was my entire motive in this relationship. Yep. You nailed it. Great assessment. Just like your assessment of me of going around using heroin addicts for cheap sex.

 

I love how people just find ways to vilify people who actually give a crap about someone. I might not have known how to navigate the situation but my intentions were genuine.

But no it's not the people active in her life who don't give a crap that are the problem. It's me.

 

Obviously my efforts to help her get straight and stay straight mean nothing to you. Your conclusion is I dedicate my life to this girl to make myself feel superior? Cool man. Thanks.

If you're ever down and out and someone goes to comfort you, help you or hold your feet to the fire just tell them "stop trying to make yourself feel superior". Save them some time.

[aaforever]

Again, you rewarded her bad behavior. You told her over and over you loved her even when she said and did awful things. If she does something and your response is "I love you", why would she think she needed to change?

 

Again, I broke up with her twice. I constantly held her feet to the fire for her bad behavior. This resulted in her rejecting me and saying "I was too controlling, have a temper and we're incompatible." Why would she say that and do that if all I was doing was telling her "I love you" as a response?

[Wiseman2]

The point is she needs professional help not theological debates. Any discussion would be best focused on 'please get help, go to rehab, a doctor, a clinic, etc.' Find some resources in your area that you can refer her to. Keep the discussion about getting her to professional help, groups, clinics, etc.

Obviously my efforts to help her get straight .