Advice on helping husband mature (emotional stunted due to childhood)

[Wiseman2]

There are books about Peter Pan and Wendy. It's about the domineering woman and infantilized man. Google it.

Also, thanks to Wiseman and Gary for continued advice! You helped me out in the past with some previous posts I had (over 2 years ago) :)

[ThatwasThen]

Yes I've realised I need to change also and stop picking up the slack. An example of me doing this is me saying how if the clothes aren't in the wash basket, I won't wash them. But yet I still ask him to gather up his clothes when I'm about to do a wash, even when they aren't in the basket at that point. So I'm not sticking to it either.

Here is a story about not enabling: When my now husband, then boyfriend and I first moved in together I was finding that he just took off his underwear in the morning (he slept in them) and left them on the floor beside his side of the bed. I nicely asked him to pick them up and put them in the laundry basket (wherein I was more than happy to wash them with my things at the end of the week). Well, he agreed but kept just leaving them on the floor so I began picking them up and throwing them out. When he had zero pairs of tighty whiteys left he asked me "where the **** is all my underwear." I answered back with "Well, they were discarded on the floor so I figured you didn't need them anymore so I threw them out." He was rather grumpy for a day or two but he never leaves his drawers on the floor now and we've been married for 4 decades +.

 

Don't enable.

[Cherylyn]

No excuses for your husband. You're going to have to train him how to be a helpful husband. Get him to cooperate and learn how to take care of the laundry, clean the house, feed the dog, empty the dishwasher, grocery shop, run errands, organize, write things down, etc.

 

If he refuses, don't do his laundry and let him wear unclean clothing! If he doesn't help grocery shop and / or cook, don't cook for him and let him starve. You need to go on strike! Then he'll take the hint that if he wants you to make his life easier, he'll need to pull his weight.

 

Get him to help you even if you have to push his ignorant rear end every step of the way!

[Rose Mosse]

I sincerely hope you're thinking of postponing this wedding indefinitely. The other members touched on a lot of your issues so I won't repeat them again. This is all terribly wrong. I do think that you need to work on yourself before you commit to someone (especially this man). Don't marry him. Don't marry anyone at this point. The idea might be enthralling and enticing and alluring and exciting. Don't do it.

 

Work through why you have these tendencies to helicopter and behave like a parent in your relationship. I think you are also over-compensating for severe deficiencies. I would not be surprised if you blew your top one day or simply explode/implode from the stress. Don't get married any time soon. There are a lot of issues in this relationship that need resolving and both of you need to meet in the middle or come to some agreements. I'm surprised you're engaged. Slow down.

[bluecastle]

Don't get married any time soon. There are a lot of issues in this relationship that need resolving and both of you need to meet in the middle or come to some agreements. I'm surprised you're engaged. Slow down.

 

They've been married four months, Rose. Together a decade.

 

Agree with everything you said, but it's going to have to be dealt with, one way or another, inside an existing marriage, not before it. Perplexing situation, for sure.

[SherrySher]

You need to stop mothering him and allowing him to be a lazy butt...that's what's at the bottom of it.

 

A man his age should be taking responsibilities by himself. If he can't or won't...why are you marrying him?

 

Unless he decides to change on his own, I honestly can't see how it will work. It will turn into a fighting match and you doing everything.

 

This isn't about what YOU can do or change, it's about HIM making up his own darn mind to start doing what needs to be done. If he doesn't want to...then nothing will change.

 

I also would reconsider marrying him if he is going to continue this streak of laziness.

[SherrySher]

You already married him....sigh....bit late now to be complaining.

 

You knew what he was like BEFORE you married him. I think you're just going to have to accept what you got.

 

You can't force people if they don't want to change.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks, Bluecastle.

 

OP, I think you still need to work on yourself more than the relationship. Focus on other areas of your life and feel fulfilled/steady all around, have a purpose in your life other than just your marriage. It's very easy to become disillusioned and fed up with your spouse or nitpick. It's new now at four months so there is bound to be some clashing and upheaval in the way you work out who does what and figure out your individual goals like him getting a license or not. Have faith that the relationship will take care of itself if you take care of you. Find coping mechanisms to quiet your worries and your mind. You can share your thoughts with each other and encourage each other or make requests but they really ought to take each other into consideration and how your wants and desires may affect the other person's routine, lifestyle, schedule etc.

 

If you're upset with him for falling short, that's human of each other. You still need to work through your personal disappointment and resentment towards him. Encourage each other to be better people or realize more personal goals. Sometimes it's not always about what you want that's a priority. It's what he wants also and what his list of priorities are. Talk about it together and see how your lives are, what your thoughts are on certain items, come to an agreement on the most important things that need improvement. If he can afford driving lessons for instance and he has time, can he admit to being lazy or are there other reasons preventing him from doing it? Does he suffer from any pain? Is he on any medication? If he can't afford it, is it something you both need to address right now? How does it affect the both of you if he doesn't have a license for the next two years, for example?

 

It's still very new. Don't forget yourself in all this, enjoy your new marriage and congrats.

[Cherylyn]

Since you're already married to him, try to change him which will be challenging or dissolve the marriage.

 

Seek professional marriage counseling as the last ditch effort.

 

My father never helped my mother whatsoever. They divorced. Not that I want this to happen to you; however, either live with him or don't if he's too intolerable for you.

[RayRay63]

Yeah chores is one that we really need to split. He doesn't like the idea of making a list like that, but I know that's because he has to do his list. It's the same feeling I had when I was a child (very few kids actually want to do chores) but my siblings and I still did them, and now it's just part of our everyday (they need to be done, so you just do them without thinking now). It's this kind of parental guidance that he didn't get when he was young so he never really learnt how to be a responsible adult.

 

Chore list is definitely a good starting point. Simple steps to start with. Thank you :)

 

For starters, the man has to put out the trash, and mow the lawn (if you have one). They are two steps to start with.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you decided to go through with things. No lists, no orders, no military state, no talking, no nagging. You signed up for all this. You can not simply bait and switch and change the terms. You wanted a lazy child and so that is what you need to accept.

03-16-2017:

 

 

Some of the reasons my family don't like him (going to do these list-wise to keep it as short as I can);

• Money - He is self employed, and he didn't really earn much over the last 3 years. We did end up in a bad way with money, where I was the only earner, and I was about 2500K in overdraft as a result. My family say he should have given up his business and got a job that actually earned money. Hindsight is a great thing, because I've spoken with him about this and we both agree that one of the mistakes we have made is not being more firm on the income situation (I didn't want to upset him by saying to give up your dream, and he didn't want to give it up). Where we stand now is we live with my sister, I'm no longer in debt, and we have a plan where if it doesn't work in 2 months, he will get a full time job instead.
  
• Selfish - Linked to the money situation, they say he is selfish and only thinks of himself. That he should have seen how much stress I was in with the money and just got a job to fix it all. Fair enough, mistake was made there where he should have seen it (he just tried harder to get his business going rather than getting a different job) and I should have just said "Get a job until things take off properly". Everyone's a little selfish, but he does so so much for me and he's not as selfish as my family thinks he is.
  

 

Those are the main points really... It all boils down to them thinking I'm doing all the work and he's getting a free ride.