Husband's Sister is Disrespectful Toward Me

[Cherylyn]

Oh my, I could've written this, greeksalad. Your issues regarding your in-laws or SIL (sister-in-law) in this case, are quite universal, unfortunately.

 

First of all be glad, she lives across the country! Can you imagine if she were local? What a nightmare!

 

She is obnoxiously rude to be sure. It's nothing I hadn't heard before.

 

I've been married for a long time so I have a few tricks up my sleeve as I've been around the block a regarding people, in-laws and the like. Take it from me. First of all, learn to lower your expectations of others including your SIL. For you, remain civil, be a peaceful person, take the higher road and be the bigger person. Behave with poise, grace and class. This is my advice and I've since had a lot of practice being with people or in-laws whom I don't wish to be with. I have a lot of boundaries, too as some of them reside locally. We don't get together often, thank goodness. We're good to them but not in each others faces either.

 

Don't engage. Do the bare minimum such as remaining polite and well-mannered without getting chummy. This is what I do all the time. It works, too. Carry yourself with class.

 

Imagine yourself out in public. You are civil, peaceful, show respect to strangers and carry on. Well, do the same with your SIL. You can do it. If I can do it for decades, you can, too!

 

I survived Thanksgiving at my sister's house for a few hours with a BIL (brother-in-law) who is an ogre and if I can just tell myself it's just for a few hours of torture, you can, too. I cooked a ton of food, washed dirty pots 'n pans, platters, utensils and didn't allow the kitchen to stack up with dirty dishes. I did the right thing. I went to my sister's house for the sake of my sons and their cousins. It's called being selfless and not just thinking of yourself.

 

At Christmas, I do the same when we go to MIL (mother-in-law) and FIL (father-in-in-law)'s house for a holiday meal. I bring a lot of food for the buffet, help clean up and again, do the right thing. I've had issues with my MIL back in the day yet I go for the sake of my husband and sons. I've often complained about this dilemma to my sons and they say to me, "Mom, it's only for a day and then it's over." Therefore, I endure it because I know getting together is only temporary. After that, it's over and life reverts back to normal everyday.

 

Change the way you think. Take control back into your life. Carry yourself with aplomb, poise, class, good manners and no matter what take the high road. You can't control others such as your SIL. All you can do is keep your head held high and be a classy lady. You don't have to do anymore than that. Be proud of yourself because you're showing what class is.

 

There are so many people we don't like in this world such as colleagues, relatives, in-laws and anyone in society no matter who they are and where you or they are. However, we have to remain peaceful and civil for the sake of the whole. You need to always exercise self-control.

 

Since this gathering is at his parents' house, you're off the hook regarding she isn't barging into your home. That's of some consolation and relief.

 

Don't ingratiate yourself to her either. Act naturally polite without getting chummy. Don't act unnatural. Don't try so hard to be part of his family. Just remain peaceful and polite; that's all. No more no less. Don't be a cold fish either because acting frosty will backfire. Be kind but don't go overboard with your behavior and you will be fine. You've got this. Take it from someone who has been there for a long time and you'll get this new act of yours down to a science just like me! Join the club. Practice makes perfect.

[Cherylyn]

I think there's a way to handle this.

 

Should your SIL barge into your home unannounced, whether with kids in tow or not, I would not permit nor allow her into your home. Tell her calmly, "Your visit is unscheduled and we've already made plans. Have a good day." Then close the door calmly. (Don't slam the door in her face!) There is a way to act diplomatically on your part. Treat her with respect while remaining firm, steadfast and unwavering. I'd give her one chance to learn not to arrive unannounced and should she repeat her unannounced visits in the future, don't open your front door, period. Walk away and ignore.

 

Also, defer to your husband a lot! She's HIS sister! He should be your buffer and shield as is my husband!

 

A long time ago, an elderly couple would walk miles to my house on a hot summer day while my parents were at work. They were acquaintances of my parents. I'd let them inside my house a few times and offer them a cold glass of water. They stayed, chatted and eventually left after a few hours. Well, they continued ringing my doorbell unannounced time and time again which was very irritating and downright disrespectful. I babysat my younger siblings and we had our plans for the day just like the next person. One day, I had enough and again, they rang my doorbell and this time, I took it upon myself and ignored them. They sat on my front porch for hours in sweltering August heat. At first, I felt bad for them but I stuck to my guns and didn't budge. I didn't open the door nor offer them a cold beverage. After several hours, they finally left and walked home however far they walked which must've been miles for a 70 or 80 year old couple. (They had a telephone, too.) Moral of the story: They never returned again. They got the permanent message and never came over unannounced.

[Cherylyn]

I don't believe in fighting. There is a way to handle certain situations with self-control and civility.

[Hollyj]

But you can do it without anyone knowing you're being an instigator!

 

And, excuse me, I think his sister is the one making crap out of the holidays - she needs to be caught out! Soooooooooo tired of people like this being pandered to! And that is exactly what takes place! Call a spade a spade!

 

Yupper! She has tolerated enough!

[Hollyj]

I think there's a way to handle this.

 

Should your SIL barge into your home unannounced, whether with kids in tow or not, I would not permit nor allow her into your home. Tell her calmly, "Your visit is unscheduled and we've already made plans. Have a good day." Then close the door calmly. (Don't slam the door in her face!) There is a way to act diplomatically on your part. Treat her with respect while remaining firm, steadfast and unwavering. I'd give her one chance to learn not to arrive unannounced and should she repeat her unannounced visits in the future, don't open your front door, period. Walk away and ignore.

 

Also, defer to your husband a lot! She's HIS sister! He should be your buffer and shield as is my husband!

 

A long time ago, an elderly couple would walk miles to my house on a hot summer day while my parents were at work. They were acquaintances of my parents. I'd let them inside my house a few times and offer them a cold glass of water. They stayed, chatted and eventually left after a few hours. Well, they continued ringing my doorbell unannounced time and time again which was very irritating and downright disrespectful. I babysat my younger siblings and we had our plans for the day just like the next person. One day, I had enough and again, they rang my doorbell and this time, I took it upon myself and ignored them. They sat on my front porch for hours in sweltering August heat. At first, I felt bad for them but I stuck to my guns and didn't budge. I didn't open the door nor offer them a cold beverage. After several hours, they finally left and walked home however far they walked which must've been miles for a 70 or 80 year old couple. (They had a telephone, too.) Moral of the story: They never returned again. They got the permanent message and never came over unannounced.

 

You go girl!

[boltnrun]

Why do you need to change the locks? Did someone give the sister keys to your house?

[Cherylyn]

I've tried to confront, argue sensibly without shouting matches and reason to no avail. You'll only get gaslighted to death. Google "gaslighting."

 

Keep a cool head. This is what I do nowadays.

 

Be in control in a healthy way. (Boundaries)

 

There are crass people the world over. All you can do is conduct yourself and make the best of the situation. You'll be proud of yourself and the next day, when you awake, you'll feel satisfied that you knew how to handle the situation with class.

[Wiseman2]

Wait... Your 22 years older husband gave them keys And they don't call first or wait to be invited? Your husband has no respect for you. Your marriage is the problem his family is just a symptom.

I think we just need to change the locks and tell them to call before coming over or they won't be let inside.

[greeksalad]

Why do you need to change the locks? Did someone give the sister keys to your house?

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. My FIL was helping my husband with something in our fenced-in backyard last summer, and my husband gave him a spare key during that month so he could come and go at his convenience. I was fine with it, for that month. Since then, my husband has asked for the key back, but his dad blows up at him and says he should have a key to our home anyway. He walks into our house all the time and it's been a huge issue. He made a copy of his key and gave it to my SIL when she was in town because she said she was going to stop by, but didn't feel like letting us know. I've been wanting to change the locks for over a year, but my husband, who suffered years of abuse from his father, is terrified of what his father will do if we change the locks. My husband is strong and capable, but there's a huge, fearful mental block there that I can't begin to understand as I wasn't raised in a violent home by a volatile father.

 

I'm not saying this excuses my husband; I agree with all of you that there is more he can do. That being said, he has taken steps and has had confrontations, and that should be all this requires. It shouldn't require us needing to physically lock them out, and I think he's both in denial that his family takes massive advantage of us, and in fear of his father's consequences.

 

There have been many confrontations between my husband my FIL in our home over the keys, and at least one between him and my SIL. This has not made a difference. In the past few months, we have considered moving out of state to distance ourselves from his FIL and be closer to my family, as living in 45-min proximity to his FIL has become almost unlivable. My SIL visits for over a week about once every 2 months, which considering the circumstances, feels constant.

[Hollyj]

Change the locks yourself! This is nuts! He is an adult now. Things need to change!

 

Has your husband ever received therapy? I don't understand why he even allows his father into his life!

 

Stop this being about moving, and do it! Change the locks first!

[bluecastle]

Tough situation.

 

From what you're writing, I can't help but feel that some of the subtext to all this is a mirror to a little thorn, or crack, in the foundation of your connection to your husband. You give tremendous weight to his troubled upbringing. You say it's not an excuse, but remove the "abusive childhood" component of this and what do you have? A man who is very hard to be married to, rather than a vulnerable man-child who has "been through a lot" and, as such, merits some excusing that may be verging on enablement.

 

Could something that was an early source of sympathy and connection now be something that is a source of frustration and disconnect? Could focusing on his sister and father be a way of not focusing on him, and how you plus him operate, or struggle to, in some contexts? Those might be questions worth asking to ensure a stronger marital union.

 

I'm going to assume your husband is somewhere between 42 and 55, based on the 22 year age difference. A full-fledged adult, in short. As are you. Adults have agency and free will, meaning they can choose to give weight to certain things (like an abusive past) in different ways. We do, in the end, get to define what defines us. So long as both you and your husband have a story that frustration x, y, or z can be explained by something that happened 30 years earlier you are going to keep giving power to the thing that causes those frustrations rather than finding power in another way.

 

The gap between moving and talking about moving, or changing locks vs considering changing locks, is not a small one. It is kind of the difference between "having once been abused" and making that abuse the foundation of your story.

[Seraphim]

My husband was also severely mentally abused by his parents especially his dad and I believe hit as well. His parents would remove love as a punishment for not being totally bent under their thumb. My husband is still terrified to this day even though his dad is so far into dementia he can’t remember who his son is and can no longer walk. His mom still has her faculties and still uses them and now his sister punishes him mentally.

 

My husband was pushed to a suicide attempt in his 30’s due to it. He has had 12 years of therapy but will still knuckle under no matter what. So I am polite because my husband and son are extremely conflict avoidant. ( with those people) plus my son if I get irritated by his grandparents just looks at me like I am the Ahole for fighting with 87 year old fragile people. My husband also takes severe severe offense to me being anything but polite.

 

He and his family may have the same dynamics in which case you are not going to win except for being polite.

[boltnrun]

So don't change the locks. Just add another lock.

 

I had to evict someone out of my apartment. Instead of trying to get the key back (he wouldn't give it back) or changing the locks, I simply changed the doorknob to a locking doorknob and didn't tell him. He tried getting in that very night but couldn't because of the added lock.

 

Does your husband think his father will kick the door in or something? If so, all the more reason to add another lock. Oh, and add a door alarm like I have. It goes off like nobody's business (LOUD!) if the door is opened. Super inexpensive to order online too.

[greeksalad]

My husband was also severely mentally abused by his parents especially his dad and I believe hit as well. His parents would remove love as a punishment for not being totally bent under their thumb. My husband is still terrified to this day even though his dad is so far into dementia he can’t remember who his son is and can no longer walk. His mom still has her faculties and still uses them and now his sister punishes him mentally.

 

My husband was pushed to a suicide attempt in his 30’s due to it. He has had 12 years of therapy but will still knuckle under no matter what. So I am polite because my husband and son are extremely conflict avoidant. ( with those people) plus my son if I get irritated by his grandparents just looks at me like I am the Ahole for fighting with 87 year old fragile people. My husband also takes severe severe offense to me being anything but polite.

 

He and his family may have the same dynamics in which case you are not going to win except for being polite.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing.

[Seraphim]

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing.

 

I also know what it is to be severely abused and have PTSD from my childhood and know it is like not to be loved by a parent so I try my damned hardest to respect my husband’s wishes no matter how much I hate his family. Lucky for me they are both on their last legs.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks everyone for your responses. My FIL was helping my husband with something in our fenced-in backyard last summer, and my husband gave him a spare key during that month so he could come and go at his convenience. I was fine with it, for that month. Since then, my husband has asked for the key back, but his dad blows up at him and says he should have a key to our home anyway. He walks into our house all the time and it's been a huge issue. He made a copy of his key and gave it to my SIL when she was in town because she said she was going to stop by, but didn't feel like letting us know. I've been wanting to change the locks for over a year, but my husband, who suffered years of abuse from his father, is terrified of what his father will do if we change the locks. My husband is strong and capable, but there's a huge, fearful mental block there that I can't begin to understand as I wasn't raised in a violent home by a volatile father.

 

I'm not saying this excuses my husband; I agree with all of you that there is more he can do. That being said, he has taken steps and has had confrontations, and that should be all this requires. It shouldn't require us needing to physically lock them out, and I think he's both in denial that his family takes massive advantage of us, and in fear of his father's consequences.

 

There have been many confrontations between my husband my FIL in our home over the keys, and at least one between him and my SIL. This has not made a difference. In the past few months, we have considered moving out of state to distance ourselves from his FIL and be closer to my family, as living in 45-min proximity to his FIL has become almost unlivable. My SIL visits for over a week about once every 2 months, which considering the circumstances, feels constant.

 

Yes, those are regular family visits. It's no wonder you're worn thin. Sometimes family members (in-laws and our own) can tear a marriage apart. There are too many egos, ideas, expectations and emotions flying around and one person or both cannot sustain a marriage and also the other residual emotions and commitments to others in the family. I think you should work more towards peace and harmony in your home, however you see fit. I don't feel the relationship or the marriage or your life as it is is workable or reasonable for you as it is right now.

 

I would have a discussion with my husband on it and organize better boundaries - this means changing the locks or rekeying (significantly cheaper, by the way). You can rekey all the doors in a regular home (3-4 doors including any side doors or back doors) for less than $400-500. If he's afraid, talk about your feelings together but your movements going forward should be in agreement towards more peace and harmony in your home. I think the over-sympathizing has to end with him and how he fears his family. You also don't need a big scene and you definitely don't need to fan any flames or instigate anyone and most of all yourself or get yourselves worked up over it. If his father approaches either of you on why he can't get back in, you can simply say the locks have been rekeyed, end sentence, period. You offer no other explanation or dissertation on why you did it. Move on from the conversation to other things. You need to learn how to deflect and control your conversations so that it isn't always about you or your husband. That's how people take advantage of others.

 

I hope you get your place rekeyed and sort things out in a less volatile manner. This situation should be changed and you should restore more peace and privacy to your home.

[Wiseman2]

Is the house in his name? You are married, no? So there is a lot you can do. First change all the locks. Then use modern technology to install alarms and specifically video monitors of the doorways entrances.

 

You can get the corresponding apps to check your phone when people are at your door or on your property. All this should be a normal part of home security. Most people have this anyway. It's bizarre that people just traipse through your house and go through things etc. You need to speak up act like a grown woman, wife, lady of the house, etc. Stop being to new young wife who lets everyone trample over her. Stop thinking you can't do anything about this. You can and it's easy and without insulting anyone. Get a security system installed.

 

Call a home security company today and get the appropriate home security system installed... with new locks and an entry code... if you husband doesn't give it to them .

my husband gave him a spare key.

[itsallgrand]

What are your ages? 20s and 40s? Did you move in to your husband's house?

[greeksalad]

Just an update... found out this morning that the get-together started early (around 10am) and was going through the night. When it came down to it, I decided not to go. I had been under the impression that it was just going to be the hours of like 4pm-9pm or something like that. It is now after 1am and my husband is still at the gathering trying to get the kids to go to sleep. I have never been happier with a decision... thanks again to all for your thoughtful responses.

[Seraphim]

Glad you were able to find a solution.