bluecastle Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 There is no such thing as "real" or "fake" in relationships, so neither time nor therapy (nor some sign from her) is going to be the thing that gives this curious union the stamp of authenticity or a knockoff. Relationships just kind of are, and they are built on facts. Among the facts in this one: you've spent just a few hours with this human in 3D, gauge her feelings almost exclusively through social media analysis, are aware that she plagiarizes affectionate peans, has been having sex with her ex while not having sex with you, has been consistently inconsistent in expressing how she feels, all of which has left you obsessively worrying about whether it is real or fake during the same time when many people, in other relationships, are hardly questioning a thing because they're too busy having fun. That's all very real. It is your real life, being lived. You get to decide if it's what you want: if it feels real enough for you. Right now you are. It's a perplexing thing to observe from the bleachers, but it is your reality. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 OP good luck, you need skilled professional help. I'm out. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 There is no such thing as "real" or "fake" in relationships, so neither time nor therapy (nor some sign from her) is going to be the thing that gives this curious union the stamp of authenticity or a knockoff. Relationships just kind of are, and they are built on facts. Among the facts in this one: you've spent just a few hours with this human in 3D, gauge her feelings almost exclusively through social media analysis, are aware that she plagiarizes affectionate peans, has been having sex with her ex while not having sex with you, has been consistently inconsistent in expressing how she feels, all of which has left you obsessively worrying about whether it is real or fake during the same time when many people, in other relationships, are hardly questioning a thing because they're too busy having fun. That's all very real. It is your real life, being lived. You get to decide if it's what you want: if it feels real enough for you. Right now you are. It's a perplexing thing to observe from the bleachers, but it is your reality. I had to step away from this thread and message board for awhile, I realize I was being controlled by my thoughts and engaging in illogical thought patterns. I spent way too much time on here debating whether something was "real" or "fake," which kept me going around in circles. The fact I concluded is most similar to your post here, it's not about it being real or fake. She really did come to see me, she really does say things to me, she really is affectionate with me - All of these things are real, and it is my reality. The red-flag things she is doing don't make it "fake" because people often behave those same ways in "real" relationships where they've been married for years, so I have to be finished with that debate. The things she does makes the relationship incredibly discredited and untrustworthy, and I settle it there. Now, I will update this story. Why? Because I previously had said that she cut contact with her ex, and not me, and I used that as bartering grounds for my delusion, thinking she would grow to be rid of him. I renewed my passport to visit her, and she said I could come out. That still appears to be happening. But no sooner did I realize her ex had reactivated his social media and tagged her saying, "I miss you." Of course, she went running to it. Said she misses him all the time. A few days later he said something about "I hope this isn't uncomfortable but I really ing miss you and *proceeds to list specific things they used to do*" Not sexual, but daily intimate life, to which she responds, "Not uncomfortable, I feel the same way..." I've been watching the conversation unfold for the past several days. And it's true, you really don't know anyone from far away. She said she wanted his help finding a therapist (I had no idea about this), and he basically told her he would, and she was making the right decision and that they were doing the right thing by seeking therapy to fix their issues so their future could be happy and healthy, and that he wants her in his future. She thanked him. Then a few days later she tells him she needs to take a weekend trip down to his city. LOL Now, usually, I would be upset feeling like my world is crumbling beneath me. But at this point I realize it's all just for fun. She still speaks to me the same, but it's empty. I know if any of it were keys to a future between us, she would have shut him down, "yes I am uncomfortable, I am with someone." So, I figure I will use her as well. It's still nice to have the attention, and I do have fun with her. But I know it's short-lived. We have no future together and I am ok with that now. And honestly, it was kind of sick of me, at almost 50 years old, to try and tie down a physically healthy 30 y/o woman with a full life ahead of her. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 See a doctor for a complete evaluation. Tell your physician about your thoughts and ruminations. Ask for a referral to ongoing therapy. At 50 you could have some neurological issues as well as possible psychiatric issues. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 My original advice stands. In fact the more you type the more help I'm convinced somethings not right with you OP. You need professional help. Get yourself booked in ASAP please. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 Hahaha like what? So I fall for her lies and I’m insane. And now I say I’m no longer falling for it but will use her for her company and I’m still insane? You people make no sense. And don’t act like my snooping is odd, many people come here admitting they snoop around social media. It’s not that strange. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Op, you need proper evaluation. How you're behaving has gone past reasonable. I'm not even sure if you can see your own delusions anymore. You will use her? This isn't about using anyone. This is about you deciding to continue this messed up situation that is bordering on sick and sociopath. I'm not sure which of you is worse. Is your life really that empty that you will continue being involved in something so empty and useless as all of this? Can you not reason to yourself to leave it and try to find something actually real with another woman? Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 Ok the whole, "you need evaluation" thing is getting out of hand now. People lie and are lied to, some fall for it and go down a rabbit hole (me), it's not that uncommon. I don't think she borders on sociopathic, I think it's more likely that she was hurting and wanted attention, and I was hurting and wanted attention. When she realized how real I thought it was, she told me she can't make me any promises. I am the one who chose to carry on with the fantasy. Yes there was a time where I convinced myself it was real, but not anymore. When I say I will use her, I don't mean maliciously. I already paid for the passport, I may as well make use of it. And as long as I realize this is only a temporary situation, I don't really see the harm in it. I am not harming myself, and I am definitely not harming her. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Why is it required that you use the passport to visit her? And passports are not that expensive. It's not like you shelled out thousands of dollars. Plus you paid for that woman to visit you so money is obviously not an issue for you. Sounds more like an excuse. How gross would it be if she left her ex's bed to go have lunch with you? Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 Why is it required that you use the passport to visit her? We live in different countries, so I need a passport to travel into her country How gross would it be if she left her ex's bed to go have lunch with you? Technically that already happened, but we never talked about being exclusive or monogamy etc. I just assumed that's what it was. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 We live in different countries, so I need a passport to travel into her country I understand that, but you say you have to go visit HER because you got a passport. My point is you can use it to travel to any country you want. Having the passport doesn't require you to use it to visit her specifically Technically that already happened, but we never talked about being exclusive or monogamy etc. I just assumed that's what it was. Again, not the point I was trying to make. I was wondering if it would bother you. But if you want the fantasy to continue I guess you could pretend you don't know. Look, I've done my share of sticking my head in the sand and covering my ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" trying to pretend I don't see or know what's right in front of my face. All that got me was years of heartache I'm still trying forgive myself for. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 I was wondering if it would bother you. But if you want the fantasy to continue I guess you could pretend you don't know.. Not anymore, because I realize it's only a fantasy - two lonely people engaging together. And sometimes, it's nice to not be alone. So yes, I would go and visit her. Not for anything more than company and temporary companionship. It's clear as day to me that she's in love with her ex. When I first came to these boards I really, really, believed she was in love with me and we had a future together. I truly believed that. Now? I don't. So as much as you guys think you didn't get through to me, you did. I am able to distinguish this is a fantasy vs a real future as a couple. I know the relationship we have is just escapism for her, and I have to be honest with myself, it was escapism for me too. The difference is, I could not understand that that is what it was, and she could. I can distinguish that and admit that now, so I think I am relatively safe Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 This woman has one man inside of her and then another...gross to say the least. Vile is more appropriate. I'm not understanding any of you, and how you find a woman like this appealing, doesn't even make sense to me. So she can bed her ex, and hours later meet up with you and you're okay with it because you will just "use" her and you don't see that you have a problem?? Wow. I sure the heck wouldn't want someone's leftovers. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 This woman has one man inside of her and then another...gross to say the least. Vile is more appropriate. I'm not understanding any of you, and how you find a woman like this appealing, doesn't even make sense to me. So she can bed her ex, and hours later meet up with you and you're okay with it because you will just "use" her and you don't see that you have a problem?? Wow. I sure the heck wouldn't want someone's leftovers. Well, at least he isn't having sex with her. He has said previously sex hasn't happened. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 I'm not understanding any of you, and how you find a woman like this appealing, doesn't even make sense to me. Well, imagine trying to rip someone apart from their belief in god? It won't happen, even though I see no evidence of a god existing, that person won't see it. They will argue and argue and argue because they see god in everything. It's the same thing here, once someone believes something, it is not a choice. I saw what my belief forced me to see. I saw a girl who was young, and attractive, and vibrant, paying ME attention. I did what I thought I had to do to not lose the chance that was right in front of me. She indulged me. I thought it was real. I felt incredibly high. I don't know how else to explain it Well, at least he isn't having sex with her. He has said previously sex hasn't happened. It appears that the two of them have some sort of an exclusivity arrangement regarding sleeping with other people, it was referenced in the conversation I saw. But even if she did/does sleep with me, I don't think that means anything. I know plenty of people who have casual sex absent of any feelings, I wouldn't use that to "prove" she was in love with me, it only proves she is a human being with human needs. Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 No i truly believe she loves you and she did choose you.! Maybe there were mixed feelings at maybe not but at the end of day, you need to stop focusing on this. And do you and if she loves you she’ll be there for you! She will ride alongside with you if that’s what you want! I did the exact same thing with my boyfriend and he did the same thing with his ex. We met when we were breaking up and I completely fell in love with him he was everything that I was looking for in a man and he continues today to prove to me that he’s everything I need. There is no need for him or for me to go anywhere else because I found the person I’m supposed to be with and I just had to stick it out a little longer because I was in my head at the time and I needed to heal... we both needed to heal and we still have issues about the hearts in our past but we’re working through them and we’re getting better. And we’re not gonna give up on each other because that’s how much we love and care about each other! I love this man so much and I can’t wait to be with him for the rest of my life[emoji4] He just makes it easy for me to fall in love with him every day it’s so cool I never knew it could be like this. I really hope it works out for you. It reminds me a lot of me and my boyfriend Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 No i truly believe she loves you and she did choose you.! Maybe there were mixed feelings at maybe not but at the end of day, you need to stop focusing on this. And do you and if she loves you she’ll be there for you! She will ride alongside with you if that’s what you want! I did the exact same thing with my boyfriend and he did the same thing with his ex. We met when we were breaking up and I completely fell in love with him he was everything that I was looking for in a man and he continues today to prove to me that he’s everything I need. There is no need for him or for me to go anywhere else because I found the person I’m supposed to be with and I just had to stick it out a little longer because I was in my head at the time and I needed to heal... we both needed to heal and we still have issues about the hearts in our past but we’re working through them and we’re getting better. And we’re not gonna give up on each other because that’s how much we love and care about each other! I love this man so much and I can’t wait to be with him for the rest of my life[emoji4] He just makes it easy for me to fall in love with him every day it’s so cool I never knew it could be like this. I really hope it works out for you. It reminds me a lot of me and my boyfriend Glad it worked out for you but I can't say that behavior, at least as far as what she and I did, is normal or healthy in any way. It sounds like the two of you are opened and aware about your behaviors and lingering attachments, but are working together to choose one another. Whatever works for you! I think the key there is that you are both aware and consenting. That is not the case with my and my gf, in fact it's been the opposite. All of this behavior has been done behind my back. We did spend Valentines weekend together, it was nice. I am just enjoying the company. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted March 23, 2020 Author Share Posted March 23, 2020 Well you guys were right. We lasted 7 months. A week or so ago she broke it off with me, in a very immature way. I had months to prepare for it thanks to this forum, so it didn’t come as a shock. We are still talking and interacting a bit. But I wanted to update this Incase anyone going through similar runs into my thread, don’t think we ran off and had a magical life, we did not :) Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 Sorry this happened. Please don't send her anymore money, no matter what sad story she tells you. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 OP, you are going to be far better off without this person in your life. This was always going to crash and burn. Remember that there is no future whenever she tries to make contact with you. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 It was always coming but that doesnt make it any easier for you i guess. Shes probably got a new partner. Block and delete on everything. Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted March 24, 2020 Author Share Posted March 24, 2020 Sorry this happened. Please don't send her anymore money, no matter what sad story she tells you. Thank you. However, I’ve never sent her money. I don’t even make much money. The most I did was treat her when we spent time together, but what boyfriend would not? I don’t think I did anything unusual but I think deep down I knew she probably wouldn’t have been there with me had I not done that. I think in a way I paid for her company. Over the past few months I transitioned into seeing her more of a friend and potential traveling buddy than a romantic partner. The signs were there, she had started removing most of my photos from her social media and said we should stop with the displays of over the top affection in there. So now that it’s officially happened not too much has changed. Maybe an “I told you so” from the fellow posters here lol Link to comment
MaybeThen Posted March 24, 2020 Author Share Posted March 24, 2020 It was always coming but that doesnt make it any easier for you i guess. Shes probably got a new partner. I already saw her and “her ex” with plans to be together for a few weeks but the coronavirus thwarted it. I’m not surprised or hurt really. I think I got that all out over the months of posting here and not wanting to see the writing on the wall. I knew she had been messing with him for months. I finally admitted to myself that I just enjoyed whatever companionship I could get. We were supposed to meet in April but the virus interfered with that as well. Maybe for the best. block and delete on everything She’s already done this to me. It was her immature grand finale. I was blocked and she removed me from all social media. But she didn’t block the account of my family business. I made contact with her from that account. Maybe a mistake, but I did. This was always going to crash and burn. Remember that there is no future whenever she tries to make contact with you. True. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. I definitely know I won’t end up with her in a romantic way, but I think we may meet as friends. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 Do your other friends treat you this way? Would you treat a friend this way? I wouldn't want someone who could do these things as a friend. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 True. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. I definitely know I won’t end up with her in a romantic way, but I think we may meet as friends. Why? This is a really bad idea, OP. You need to let go of her, in every possible way. Link to comment
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