Her love letters weren't hers...

[MaybeThen]

Because you fill a void that's missing from the man she wants to be in a relationship with. Her messing you around gives her ex time to step up and be the man she wants him to be.

 

At the moment he steps up or she decides she's no longer willing to wait for him you have no use to her and it will die a sudden death your friendship.

 

I think this is probable. Had she picked a man who was her age, and attractive, then it would be indicative of her seeking a new in-person relationship, which doesn't seem to be her goal, the messages do seem to suggest she is waiting around for the ex but is too needy and jaded to be alone. So she picks me, someone very unlikely to be in a relationship with her, to fulfill her emotional needs and guarantee it remains an internet-based fantasy as I have no way to get to her, I am in another country, and she knows I won't go looking elsewhere. She's set it up so I am far enough away, but available for her emotional needs which are not/were not being fulfilled by him. Guh.

 

I suppose that is also why I was just suddenly cartridged into a slot of her life. We didn't get to know one another, there was no slow build up as to lay any real foundation for a lasting relationship. I just was plopped into her life, right where she left off with him. And I felt so high I went along with it, I went overboard too. I really felt like I had won at life, for once.

[ninjabib]

She's getting everything she needs and you are getting nothing you need. Why prolong this misery!?

[boltnrun]

You keep repeating the same things over and over, allegedly "proving" this is not "fake".

 

She visited you because YOU paid and because you gave her free stuff.

 

What plans are firmly in place for her to move to your country to begin your life together? Firmly in place, not talk. Firm plans.

[Wiseman2]

She has...she went back to her on/off bf, and they are most likely having wild monkey sex while you waste your time scanning her social media for whatever morsel of anything you can extract..

Had she picked a man who was her age, and attractive

[MaybeThen]

You keep repeating the same things over and over, allegedly "proving" this is not "fake".

 

She visited you because YOU paid and because you gave her free stuff.

 

What plans are firmly in place for her to move to your country to begin your life together? Firmly in place, not talk. Firm plans.

 

The Christmas gift threw me off. You don’t continue forward and send gifts if it’s all just a fantasy. That was my thought at first and I fell back into it. But now I’m seeing you can do those things when playing house. She probably doesn’t want to feel single for Christmas so she’s acting out and I’m filling a void there.

 

No, why would there be plans when she told me she needs to heal first. She said “I don’t want to rush into anything serious I need to heal”. That means slow down and when she heals we can be serious. Serious includes plans like that.

 

I admit that it’s likely all the love and soul mate talk was bullcrap because I don’t think someone would say that to a soulmate. It was too open ended

 

It’s easy to start thinking this is real because every morning I wake up to a good morning text, a new photo of her, and her showering me with positive words. When people say things like this:

 

while you waste your time scanning her social media for whatever morsel of anything you can extract..

 

It’s easy to roll my eyes and dismiss it because it reads to me like you guys don’t understand the magnitude of what’s going on. Like you think she’s not incorporating me and I’m inventing it. If I were to give you her social media link you will see photos of her from before me living her life. Then when I show up all the photos are of me or me and her. And saying how much she loves me. How is that scanning something for a morsel????

 

I can say the Christmas gift made me fall again because it’s more than words on a screen. She considered me and went shopping for me. That isn’t fake. But I know deep down something is off because she acts like she’s so inlove with me but won’t commit

[bluecastle]

I'll try again to make the point I made in my last post, or hoped you'd land on without be pulling out the bullhorn.

 

Here is what you know, with no ambiguity, to be real: that you don't have much faith in her or this relationship being anywhere close to "real." Can't say I blame you, as everything you've laid out is primarily pixilated fluff, but the specifics are kind of beside the point.

 

A pretty good gauge of being in something "real" is that you spend approximately zero seconds trying to determine whether it's real or fake.

[SherrySher]

We're 9 pages in and you're still wanting so badly to believe in everything, despite the majority of us telling you it's a load of bogus.

 

A Christmas present is called a breadcrumb. It's to ensure that you keep hanging around but they give you no actual commitment. Just string you along.

 

You are falling into what she wants very well. Why is she doing it? Perhaps she enjoys having a few men as options, perhaps she get's an ego boost from it.

I would bet dimes to dollars that you're not the only man who received a "gift" from her.

 

She is not an honest person and she will not give you a commitment of any kind.

 

A commitment far exceeds a present. You are scared to ask her for one, because you know you'll be rejected and your illusion will be destroyed.

 

If you must keep holding onto this because you feel you have nothing else in your life, then nothing we say will change anything.

But at least realize that there is no happy ending, you are not her soulmate and she is a liar and manipulator who has feelings for more than just one man.

 

I honestly don't know why her looks even come into it. An ugly soul is an ugly person, despite what's in the mirror.

And I think anyone reading your story will tell you that she's playing you and does not love you.

It's actually pretty bad how much she is fooling you and lying to you.

 

I hope one day you will come to your senses and find a decent woman (not this goof)...but an actual decent woman who loves you and only you.

I hope that this new year will bring you the partner you want and you will leave this disaster of a woman far behind you.

[MaybeThen]

 

A pretty good gauge of being in something "real" is that you spend approximately zero seconds trying to determine whether it's real or fake.

 

True..

 

 

We're 9 pages in and you're still wanting so badly to believe in everything, despite the majority of us telling you it's a load of bogus.

 

Because it's difficult, so difficult, to separate the very real interactions in my heart, the real feelings, from it somehow being concocted.

 

Take for example: She just posted a bunch of photos from her work's christmas party, she tagged her company and work peers in it. This means, her social media account is tagged to her professional life and they can all view it. When they view it, they see me and her and all of our photos. So she is intermeshing me with her work, family, and friends. I can not fathom why someone would do that if it were all a joke.

 

But I guess what someone else said above, that is me trying to apply logic to the realm of feelings, wherein 2+2 doesn't always equal 4. And maybe I am wrong for using the word "joke," I guess it's not a joke/fake in terms of her being malicious, but a fantasy in terms of someone who is lonely and needs the attention of a man.

 

A Christmas present is called a breadcrumb. It's to ensure that you keep hanging around but they give you no actual commitment. Just string you along.

 

Well it certainly accomplished that. But how can we be so sure it's a breadcrumb in that sense, as opposed to her keeping me around because she intends to be with me after she heals?

 

 

A commitment far exceeds a present. You are scared to ask her for one, because you know you'll be rejected and your illusion will be destroyed.

Yes, I know what RayRay said is true, I will not send that to her. It's not just the fear of an illusion being destroyed, it's fear of a chance being destroyed. If I believe the breadcrumb theory then yes, it's a fear of an illusion being destroyed. But if it's possible she is not committing because she needs to heal first, then if I pressure her like that, I lose out on her

 

If you must keep holding onto this because you feel you have nothing else in your life, then nothing we say will change anything.

But at least realize that there is no happy ending, you are not her soulmate and she is a liar and manipulator who has feelings for more than just one man.

 

I honestly don't know why her looks even come into it. An ugly soul is an ugly person, despite what's in the mirror.

And I think anyone reading your story will tell you that she's playing you and does not love you.

It's actually pretty bad how much she is fooling you and lying to you.

 

I hope one day you will come to your senses and find a decent woman (not this goof)...but an actual decent woman who loves you and only you.

I hope that this new year will bring you the partner you want and you will leave this disaster of a woman far behind you.

 

I appreciate everyone's words, especially yours, for some reason they are hammering at this new wall that I put up after receiving the gifts.

 

I can see clearly in other people's threads the manipulation that goes on, but I can't see it in my own life.

 

She has been kind to me, built me up, I am fat and unhealthy and she always says nice things and calls me her fitness model. It feels good. Why wouldn't I want to hang on to every hope that it's you guys who are wrong and I actually have a chance with her once she gets over her ex.

[RayRay63]

 

I honestly don't know why her looks even come into it.

 

The OP linked a photo of her in a prior thread. I was expecting a super-model after reading his descriptions.

 

She is not unattractive*, but no supermodel.

 

OP, you have her on a bit of a pedestal - a therapy session or two about how to deal with that would do you some good.

 

*Edit: I just read your last post where you label yourself "fat & unhealthy". Two things on that -

 

(a) In that photo of her on the bike, her bum looked really big. But she played on your insecurities anyway, to get what she wanted.

 

(b) Change your diet and start exercising regularly. Put on the headphones and walk for an hour each evening. You'll drop 10 pounds per month between now and April.

[SherrySher]

Maybe....you deserve so much better.

 

I know you're lonely and you want to believe in this so much. But all she is doing, is standing in the way of a woman whom you haven't even met yet that would love you properly and genuinely.

 

YOU need to give yourself that chance to find her and move on from this girl who is not being honest to you.

 

If you feel fat, you can always work out and lose some weight. But do so...FOR YOURSELF, and for your health. You do matter, whether you see it or not.

As others have mentioned, please seek therapy. Honestly, it has helped so many on this forum. It IS a healthy step forward and it will clear your mind and get you stronger and feeling better.

 

You don't have to lower yourself down to taking breadcrumbs from a woman who does not love you.

Bottom line....YOU deserve a commitment from her. If she can't give you that and leave other men alone, then she does not deserve you.

[boltnrun]

You don't want to stop this unhealthy attachment. You argue and argue and argue. If you're so sure she truly loves you then why even ask for advice?

[MaybeThen]

The OP linked a photo of her in a prior thread. I was expecting a super-model after reading his descriptions.

 

She is not unattractive*, but no supermodel.

 

You wouldn’t know that because I posted a photo after we biked for miles and only showed her eyes and hid the rest of her face, so none of you really saw her. I had the decency to not reveal her entire identity. She’s incredibly attractive by most people’s standards. I posted it mainly to show myself and the fact that she really came and we had couple photos together. If I had posted it to show how “hot” she was I would have showed her entirety

 

 

 

(a) In that photo of her on the bike, her bum looked really big. But she played on your insecurities anyway, to get what she wanted.

 

Her waist is tiny and her ass is firm and curvy.

 

This is another example of how the internet is removed from real life and faulty. We only see partial truths. So this is why things like spending time in person and receiving gifts are so significant. They’re real.

[MaybeThen]

You don't want to stop this unhealthy attachment. You argue and argue and argue. If you're so sure she truly loves you then why even ask for advice?

 

Because I’m not sure. But I’m scared to let it go in case it’s real. That’s why.

[ninjabib]

OP how is therapy going?

[MaybeThen]

Lol. A therapist won’t be able to tell me if this is real or not. Time will

[MaybeThen]

Maybe....you deserve so much better.

 

I know you're lonely and you want to believe in this so much. But all she is doing, is standing in the way of a woman whom you haven't even met yet that would love you properly and genuinely.

 

YOU need to give yourself that chance to find her and move on from this girl who is not being honest to you.

 

If you feel fat, you can always work out and lose some weight. But do so...FOR YOURSELF, and for your health. You do matter, whether you see it or not.

As others have mentioned, please seek therapy. Honestly, it has helped so many on this forum. It IS a healthy step forward and it will clear your mind and get you stronger and feeling better.

 

You don't have to lower yourself down to taking breadcrumbs from a woman who does not love you.

Bottom line....YOU deserve a commitment from her. If she can't give you that and leave other men alone, then she does not deserve you.

 

I’ll admit that when I read your posts I believe them and realize I’m falling into something where I’m providing emotional cushions for a woman who won’t commit to me. But I can’t say for certain if she throws another “breadcrumb” that I won’t believe it again because I don’t think we can prove 100% this is a fantasy. Do you guys really see this so clearly and I’m the only one who can’t? My friends and family are encouraging this relationship. They are talking to her as well. Some of them have already met her and the others want to. I have been going to the gym and have lost 100 lbs already. I haven’t been in a month though

[SherrySher]

Have you told your family and friends that she won't give you a 100% commitment and has said she may return to her ex?

 

I think if you were honest with them, their opinions would change drastically.

[Wiseman2]

"The magnitude"? Most people have had crushes, vacation flings, etc. Get things in perspective. This is not as if you your wife of years died or divorced you. This is a midlife crisis school-boy crush. Of you wish to be understood about whatever you want to call this, only a therapist can get behind that and set you clear.

you guys don’t understand the magnitude of what’s going on.

[ninjabib]

Lol. A therapist won’t be able to tell me if this is real or not. Time will

 

No need for a therapist for that OP. None of us here are therapists but we can see the situation for what it is.

 

What I meant is the need for therapy for underlying issues. I think you could really benefit from it.

 

All you doing throughout this thread is project your feelings over hers. They don't align. She feels completely different to you.

[RayRay63]

You wouldn’t know that because I posted a photo after we biked for miles and only showed her eyes and hid the rest of her face, so none of you really saw her. I had the decency to not reveal her entire identity. She’s incredibly attractive by most people’s standards. I posted it mainly to show myself and the fact that she really came and we had couple photos together. If I had posted it to show how “hot” she was I would have showed her entirety

 

 

 

 

Her waist is tiny and her ass is firm and curvy.

 

This is another example of how the internet is removed from real life and faulty. We only see partial truths. So this is why things like spending time in person and receiving gifts are so significant. They’re real.

 

Mate, I gotta tell you straight.

 

She is pearshaped, you are seeing this through blinkers, and I am sorry, but this is all part of your fantasy.

 

I want you to go to therapy. I want your therapist to kick you out of the therapy flight. Without a parachute, so you feel it all the way down.

 

Then I want you to listen to us and lift yourself out of this morass.

 

Good luck buddy. I don't think I can help you anymore, I have done all I can to convince you.

[MaybeThen]

She is pearshaped, you are seeing this through blinkers, and I am sorry, but this is all part of your fantasy.

 

This is exactly why I don't believe you folks half of the time. I saw her in person, I get photos every day, I see her on facetime several times a week. I don't want to subject her in a way where I am online debating her body (what the hell!) So I say this to make a point: She isn't pear shaped, (but even if she were, that would still be a step above anything I ever had, and I would be content with it). But you, who saw 1 photo of her, think you know her and her body type LOL So if you can't even get that right, why should I trust anything else you say?

 

 

"The magnitude"? Most people have had crushes, vacation flings, etc. Get things in perspective.

 

Vacation flings end when the vacation ends. They don't continue on. Crushes don't call each other "in a relationship." So, I'm pretty sure my perspective is accurate. Now you are going off of the deep end with this one, and your arguments are becoming null. So guess what, let's allow time to answer this

 

Have you told your family and friends that she won't give you a 100% commitment and has said she may return to her ex?

 

I think if you were honest with them, their opinions would change drastically.

 

No, because they have blown this up into something big, as a celebration almost. It would not only be embarrassing for me, but I am not sure how I would even approach it. I figured I would just let the relationship fizzle out on it's own, or just leave the photos up and never mention that it ended. I've wondered if some of them are suspicious of this as well, but no one has said anything yet. I don't think anyone wants to worry that someone they love is going to be alone, and so they have been very happy and impressed with this

[boltnrun]

I presume your family and friends also don't know she was sleeping with her ex for weeks while she was telling you she loves you and calling you her soul mate.

 

You have to conceal facts to keep the fantasy going in your own head and to get others to buy in.

 

I know, I know. I've got it all wrong and this just might be real.

 

Good luck.

[MaybeThen]

I presume your family and friends also don't know she was sleeping with her ex for weeks while she was telling you she loves you and calling you her soul mate.

 

You have to conceal facts to keep the fantasy going in your own head and to get others to buy in.

 

I know, I know. I've got it all wrong and this just might be real.

 

Good luck.

 

Ok it's time for me to cut the crap.

 

Look, she and I have been together for almost 5 months now. I had no idea about the stuff with the ex until very recently. I think I found out about 2-3 weeks ago? And it wasn't just for weeks, from what I could tell, she and him have been at it for the past 4 months. It ceased when she cut contact with him recently. But my sick deluded brain will tell myself, "Well, she and I never talked about being exclusive. So, I can't be mad. And maybe she does like me and is just not completely over him yet, but she will get over him now, so it's ok"

 

Fantasy or not, this boils down to me having really low self-esteem, that I would even sit here and put up with that. She of course had that talk with me where she was the one who told me she still had feelings for him and "couldn't promise me anything" which was likely her giving herself an escape route, and like an idiot, I basically agreed to being her on-call, and continued on with her.

 

I know this is all my fault. And at this point we are all going in circles because I will have a possible excuse for every and anything she does.

[Wiseman2]

You knew about her on/off bf from day one.

Met a girl while she was vacationing in my country, she had just broken up with her bf that day. within 5 days I told her I loved her.

[MaybeThen]

You knew about her on/off bf from day one.

 

I knew he existed, that breakup was the entire premise of us talking and me inviting her back out, but I had no clue she had remained in contact with him throughout the entire duration of the relationship. That, I just recently discovered. You knew exactly what I meant.