Her love letters weren't hers...

[bluecastle]

Here’s a way to look at this: does it really matter what is “real” and what is “fake” if you doubt, in your gut, any of it being real?

 

Give that some thought. Maybe it provides some answers.

[MaybeThen]

Here’s a way to look at this: does it really matter what is “real” and what is “fake” if you doubt, in your gut, any of it being real?

 

 

Yes, because something has to be real, and something has to be false; regardless if someone thinks 2+2=5. I want to find the 4, and it could be my reality that is real. I just want the truth. The gifts were real, and tangible, and make everything seem real. It's not "fake."

 

I only wonder if I really am a placeholder for her to occupy and make herself feel good and wanted while she waits for him. But why invest so much into this? What will happen when she's "done with me" after spending so many months tending to this if it's just "fake." 2 more weeks and we hit 5 months, why carry something "fake" on for so long? I am not sure how she is going to dismantle this. The longer it goes on, the less fake it seems and I start to think she is lying to herself with a fantasy she invents about her ex, but really she is falling for me the more and more she invests in this.

 

 

Yeah it's all about her and her ex. You will remain stuck until you cut all contact.

It's true that completely cutting contact with her will get rid of this entire issue.

 

But her message to the lady seems like a big contradiction. She says I am great, and loving her, but backtracking to her ex. Why not just cut it with him once and for all? The other day she told me I am "everything she wanted in a man." Then what purpose does her ex have?

 

And she says "If he wants to think I left him and ran away with someone else, I don't want to hear it."

But she did leave him and come to me?

[RayRay63]

why carry something "fake" on for so long?

 

Because that is how long it is taking her to play stupid mind games with the ex.

[MaybeThen]

Because that is how long it is taking her to play stupid mind games with the ex.

 

This actually made me laugh

[RayRay63]

Good, because the parameters of your relationship were limited by her selfishness.

 

I think one of the ladies said early in your first thread, if this lady liked you as much as she claims, she would have had sex with you.

 

She is play acting at something without complete intimacy; when she decides she has sufficiently punished her ex, that will be the end with you.

 

It may even be a more likely outcome that she will find a new guy who is local, and you and the ex will be history.

 

She wanted something specific, which is less than you wanted, but you have been compliant, and that has suited her purposes.

 

This has been all about her, and you need to step away from her and get control of your destiny.

 

Have you upped your gym program? The endorphins counteract the separation anxiety.

[ninjabib]

Yes, because something has to be real, and something has to be false; regardless if someone thinks 2+2=5. I want to find the 4, and it could be my reality that is real.

 

 

This is incorrect. You are applying male type ' logical' thinking to a female 'feeling' way of thinking and this is what's keeping you stuck. You cannot apply your wya of thinking to hers. They are polar opposites.

 

There is nothing real here. She loved the fantasy she created that dragged you in because it made her feel good. You loved the fantasy she created because it made you feel good but didn't realise it was fantasy. For you it was reality. Sorry but it's not.

[MaybeThen]

Good, because the parameters of your relationship were limited by her selfishness.

 

I think one of the ladies said early in your first thread, if this lady liked you as much as she claims, she would have had sex with you.

 

Not everyone has sex after spending only 11 days together.

Also, many people can have sex absent of an emotional bond, so that doesn't mean much to me.

 

The main thing that pulls me out of this is her claiming I am her soulmate, and "everything she ever wanted" but she clearly is not being exclusive with me. So I know I can't trust what she is telling me. Also, the plagiarized letter. I am sure she did that because she needed something to keep me hanging on and couldn't come up with it herself.

 

In fact, most things she says to me resemble that letter, they are all gimmicky, "No words can express..." "I can't explain in words how I feel..." etc.

 

It may even be a more likely outcome that she will find a new guy who is local, and you and the ex will be history.

 

It's only a matter of time before he moves back to where she moved to, which is where they are both from. I remember her briefly mentioning this when we first met, that they were supposed to go together, but she is going before him now. That is another thing he has over me, I live in a different country. But whether it's him or another guy is the same thing to me.

 

 

 

Have you upped your gym program? The endorphins counteract the separation anxiety.

I haven't been since before she has been here, and honestly I couldn't keep up with her. We went out to eat for all 3 meals, and I gained weight

 

 

There is nothing real here. She loved the fantasy she created that dragged you in because it made her feel good. You loved the fantasy she created because it made you feel good but didn't realise it was fantasy. For you it was reality. Sorry but it's not.

 

So how does someone dismantle this when they are finished with the person? Feign sadness and tell me we have to end, then remove all of our couple photos from her social media, and feign the same sadness to her friends?

[ninjabib]

If its never real to begin with then it's no problem for her to fake it when it ends.

 

This only means this much to you. It means little to her other than she enjoyed using you when she was down. You have no use to her now.

[Wiseman2]

She's not 'fake" like a catfish, but it's clear it was a vacation fling when she was off with her on/off bf. What did she get you for Christmas? You can hang on to hope and continue to scan and stalk her social media but how is that assuaging loneliness in your real life? Even if she breakups up for good with this guy, it doesn't mean you'll live happily ever after with her.

Received Christmas and birthday gift from her in the mail. she told me she can't "promise anything" and cut ties with the ex. I don't know if my loneliness is just so desperate, or if it could be that now that she's cut ties she is actually letting the ex go and moving forward with me?

[SherrySher]

You are an option and not the only option. I would bet 100% on that.

 

You are in a line up of other men and she will pick and choose depending on her mood that day.

 

The letters really are pathetic. How you justify it at all, blows my mind. They were full on lies, and no, it wasn't some kind of "oppsie" on her end due to confusion.

She full on lied, pretended, and it was definitely a betrayal.

You know what's worse? She was incredibly lazy about it.

It's one thing to write words that she didn't mean to you, but this girl cared that little and wanted to make that little of effort for you, that she copied and pasted and didn't care.

And you sit and justify it?

 

At the end of the day, you will have a wake up call, she won't choose you. You'll see that she is full of lies and more lies.

And when it does happen, I will honestly feel bad for you.

I know you want to believe in all of it so much. And I am sorry someone is fooling you to this degree.

[MaybeThen]

She's not 'fake" like a catfish, but it's clear it was a vacation fling when she was off with her on/off bf. What did she get you for Christmas? You can hang on to hope and continue to scan and stalk her social media but how is that assuaging loneliness in your real life? Even if she breakups up for good with this guy, it doesn't mean you'll live happily ever after with her.

 

She tags me on the social media, so I'm not stalking it, she interacts with me there. When someone tags me it alerts me, so I get the alert on my phone, open it, usually she has posted a photo of us saying "I miss you," things like that, I will respond.

 

I was starting to become firm in my decision to back off from her, until the christmas gift arrived. I don't know what it is, I did not open it.

 

It does take my loneliness away because she is someone to constantly communicate with, someone to receive photos from, and send photos to, she says I am handsome, and perfect, and wonderful, and all things good. It is an ego boost, I feel less alone. She tells me she loves me. I went from being completely alone for 10 years, to this. That is why this is hard to let go of, partially why. The other reason it's difficult is this:

 

You are an option and not the only option. I would bet 100% on that.

 

Exactly, this means there is potential.

 

She full on lied, pretended, and it was definitely a betrayal.

You know what's worse? She was incredibly lazy about it.

It's one thing to write words that she didn't mean to you, but this girl cared that little and wanted to make that little of effort for you, that she copied and pasted and didn't care.

And you sit and justify it?

 

I know it's bad. When I found it it did stun me. But when I look at everything together, as a whole, like the way she interacts with me when we are together, the flirty texts and photos she sends me, etc. The forged letter seems like something that can be overlooked. Then I thought maybe she read it and it was exactly what she was feeling, so she just sent me it. Of course I know that's not true, because if I were her "soul mate" as the letter stated, her ex would not be in the picture, and I would not be sitting here wondering. I have a very difficult time separating everything.I just can't understand how it's supposedly a fake when she does things like pick me out gifts? The last gift she got me was something I absolutely love, so it seems like she genuinely cares about me; and things like that are what throw me off.

 

If actions speak louder than words, why is the letter so significant?

 

I guess I can't fathom how someone could intricately forge 4 months of this. I suppose the "Fantasy" route is easier for me to swallow. If she is playing it up to feel something, to feel alive, I guess I could almost understand that. But nearing 5 months, what the hell? Who does that??

 

This christmas gift is what brought me to my knees again, I feel special, and valued. Granted, the forged letter I kept and read over and over, and that turned out to be fake. And the other love "letters" are similar in nature, though I could not find them as a forgery. But they all say the typical things like, "Words can not express how much I love you. You are perfect!" It feels nice, but the longer we go on, the more I realize they are just variations of each other. I suppose this is going to be hard to keep up, how many different ways can you say I love you, the honeymoon phase is probably dying down at this point.

[RayRay63]

You should block her on social media, and rid yourself of the addiction you have described.

 

The Christmas gift is a breadcrumb. I already advised you to send it back marked return to sender.

 

She boosts your ego a bit, but she does not want a proper relationship with you.

 

Why don't you write to her and tell her this:

I do not wish to continue as we are.

 

I want you to move to my location, and live with me, as an intimate couple.

 

I want you to cut off contact with your ex, and any other romantic connections.

 

If you can't do that, then I do not wish to be "friends".

[Wiseman2]

Until you get to a doctor and therapy to sort out why you haven't dated in 10 years, treat whatever depression, obsessions, health issues etc you have and stop setting yourself up for this type of craziness.

I was starting to become firm in my decision to back off from her, until.......

[SherrySher]

RayRay is right...stop the bs boat right here and now and call her on it, so you can see what's real and what's not.

 

Tell her your wants, see if she can deliver.

[MaybeThen]

Because if I write that to her, I am almost certain I will never hear from her again. I've already told her I wanted to spend my life with her, and that was when she told me, "I can not make you any promises or guarantees, and I am not looking to rush into anything serious" That was the talk we had when she confessed to me she had unfinished business with her ex.

 

I guess that is my answer. I guess on some level I know this is all a fantasy, and I am going along with it because it feels good.

 

And I will admit this is a type of an addiction, because I enjoy it, and it heightens me. And in my "addict mind" I recall the rest of the conversation, wherein she says, "I enjoyed our time together and I want to keep talking to you, I enjoy the feeling," and I put the pieces together again to say that we can keep it going as is, and maybe eventually it will be serious. She never said she didn't want serious, just that she didn't want to rush into anything serious. That is my brain that justifies it all.

 

But reality does sting me. If everything she said was true, if I am really "everything she wants in a man" and her "soul mate" wouldn't you leave everything behind to be with that person? And wouldn't I be able to actually send that message to her and she would tell me, "ok let's do this"

 

So is that it then, is that what separates fantasy from reality? She won't make an actual move to be with her "soul mate" but has no problem sending and receiving gifts, fantasy love, a digital romance?

[ninjabib]

Exactly, this means there is potential

 

 

 

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

It means you are the only one weak enough hanging around waiting to be used.

 

 

Have you started therapy yet OP?

[RayRay63]

.... we can keep it going as is, and maybe eventually it will be serious. She never said she didn't want serious, just that she didn't want to rush into anything serious.

 

She has friendzoned you. Or maybe that is all you ever were to her.

 

There is no way back from there.

[Wiseman2]

Most people are in nursing homes before they just sit around reliving and reliving some event. Get to a doctor and a therapist.

[SherrySher]

But reality does sting me. If everything she said was true, if I am really "everything she wants in a man" and her "soul mate" wouldn't you leave everything behind to be with that person?

 

You know the answer.

 

She can shovel the poo all she wants and tell you all kinds of nice things, but if she is giving you excuses as to why you can't be together or why she might want another man, then you know the answer.

 

If you want to continue the fantasy, then it really does come down more to you possibly needing some help with self esteem, depression, etc.

 

You're holding onto a hope right now, but it's a very small shred and it's mostly not even real. Do you really ask that little for yourself? If so..why?

Don't you want a better life and an actual woman who loves you and not this fantasy made up crap?

 

Do you think it's not possible to find someone else?

 

There's some soul searching you need to do. But at the end of the day, it will be you who ends up hurt. A huge part of you knows this, you deserve better.

But only you can walk away from this fake fantasy and search for real.

[MaybeThen]

Most people are in nursing homes before they just sit around reliving and reliving some event. Get to a doctor and a therapist.

 

Haha. Well to be fair, we talk all day. So everyday there’s a new event between us. It’s not like we talked once and I’m hanging onto that moment. Jeeze.

[ninjabib]

OK so you are talking. She likes you as a friend. I don't think any of us are disputing that but that's not romance. That's 2 Internet chums talking.

[MaybeThen]

OK so you are talking. She likes you as a friend. I don't think any of us are disputing that but that's not romance. That's 2 Internet chums talking.

 

Look, we have many many many couple photos together. Hugging, kissing, dining out, sharing a bed together. She tells me I am everything she ever wanted, she refers to me as her boyfriend. She tells me her heart hurts being far away from me, and she can't wait to be near me again. What about that is the description of a "friend"

 

 

 

 

 

You know the answer.

 

She can shovel the poo all she wants and tell you all kinds of nice things, but if she is giving you excuses as to why you can't be together or why she might want another man, then you know the answer.

 

Ok, this is convincing. I guess her core actions aren't really matching her claims

 

You're holding onto a hope right now, but it's a very small shred and it's mostly not even real. Do you really ask that little for yourself? If so..why?

Don't you want a better life and an actual woman who loves you and not this fantasy made up crap?

 

Well, yes I suppose, but I have not had that in many years so I am not sure why I would be so foolish to drop this particular woman and fool myself into thinking there will be a replacement.

[SherrySher]

Oh right, but she also gives you all sorts of excuses as to why she's not sure if you can or should be together and she let's you know that she might go back to her ex.

 

You are going to accept that? Do you really have that little of self worth?

[MaybeThen]

"Look, we have many many many couple photos together. Hugging, kissing, dining out, sharing a bed together. She tells me I am everything she ever wanted, she refers to me as her boyfriend. She tells me her heart hurts being far away from me, and she can't wait to be near me again. What about that is the description of a "friend"

 

Oh right, but she also gives you all sorts of excuses as to why she's not sure if you can or should be together and she let's you know that she might go back to her ex.

 

You are going to accept that? Do you really have that little of self worth?

 

Ok, fair hit, it doesn't add up does it.

 

What the hell is the point of all of this then. She is easily a 9/10 in the looks department, I don't understand why she is using me for whatever this all is. I mean, she did say, "I am using him to heal." So I just boost her self esteem? This is elaborate and long-lasting. I wonder if she purposely chose me because she knew a higher caliber man would not put up with this, but I am as a puppy dog begging for her because I will never have someone who looks like her ever again, I even told her that.

[ninjabib]

Because you fill a void that's missing from the man she wants to be in a relationship with. Her messing you around gives her ex time to step up and be the man she wants him to be.

 

At the moment he steps up or she decides she's no longer willing to wait for him you have no use to her and it will die a sudden death your friendship.