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All cards not on the table


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So I'm engaged to someone who I've known for over 2 years before we started dating. He has been there for me through a lot. And I recently found out over the summer that he watches gay and trans porn. Not a big deal, I do too. The issue was at the time that we both had agreed to only watch porn together. So I confronted him about it, and we talked and he was I thought 100% honest with me We have since opened up sexual play to include crossdressing, and this has been a fantasy of his for quite some time. We both are very open-minded people in a committed relationship so why not? Recently, however, I found out that he was secretly in trans/gay chatrooms, and hiding the porn which we agreed to watch together if at all. Not only that but he is soliciting nudes from trans, and having group chats on whisper asking if there are older men near by our home. I don't know what to do. I'm very hurt, because I feel like I don't really know this person, and he isn't who he claimed to be. If I'm open to anything, why hide it? I don't know what to do, I love him with all my heart but I can't be with someone who keeps hiding ?

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Is this a same-sex relationship? How long have you been engaged? Do you live together? Do you have an open relationship? Perhaps hiding this is part of the "fantasy" for him...Or you're correct that he is not what you thought he was. Do you feel he is accelerating his "fantasies" and starting to have sex with men?


Best thing you can do is get to a doctor for STD testing and stop having sex until you know what's going on. If you wish to continue with him use condoms, since not knowing where he stands or what he's doing behind your back is the new him or the him you never knew about. Keep in mind male-on-male sex happens and often hidden from the "trusting" partner.

Not only that but he is soliciting nudes from trans, and having group chats on whisper asking if there are older men near by our home.
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Obviously put the marriage plans on hold. He should not be talking to others -- any other of whatever persuasion -- behind your back. Unless this gets straightened out, & he can be FULLY committed, forsaking ALL others -- then you have a problem. Get some pre marital counseling before you proceed to put deposits on anything. See where that leads but do not marry until this is resolved to your satisfaction.

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I think you do know what to do. Trust is important for the foundation of any relationship and it seems it's a little compromised right now between the both of you. Go back to each other and try to speak about the issues that are bothering you. You may feel strongly about him but it may not be the same for him - he may not feel the same way about you or the relationship. Take your time and think it through. Tough concept, I know. You shouldn't ask for anything less in a relationship.


The general feeling I'm getting is that this isn't as "open-minded" as you say it is. It's all relative, isn't it? I find watching porn together only in a relationship restrictive and controlling. Why wouldn't either of you be able to watch it on your own? (This is a rhetorical question.) What you say or feel may not be what he thinks or feels. There's some dysfunction there in your understanding of what this relationship is. Be honest with each other and, most of all, be open to conflicting opinions and dissent. I don't feel like you know each other very well and there's a good chance he's trying hard not to disappoint you or cause you to react badly. You may not be as open-minded as you originally thought and he might not be as comfortable as he might have given you the impression he is.


The less generous read is that he's deceptive by nature, secretive and not the type of man you think he is.

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It sounds like you are not on the same page regarding relationship exclusivity and boundaries. If you are open to anything how come you are not open to him watching porn on his own? To me it sounds like there are some underlying issues that you fear but refuse to acknowledge. What is it that you fear? You have every right to ask for honesty and boundaries. However, if the other person is disrespecting your boundaries, then imo it's best to walk away. You cannot control other people, only yourself.

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I agree with Rose and Clio.


This is just my opinion, of course, but I can't reconcile "open minded" with "only watching porn together." That in itself speaks of control, of trying to limit, or "close off," something about another person that you find threatening. Makes me wonder if there is something about him—some kind of inner truth—that you fear makes the two of you incompatible, just as it makes me wonder if he is ashamed of that truth enough to allow it to be suppressed in the name of being in a "healthy" relationship.


Time for a very honest talk—talks, really—to see if who you both truly are are two people compatible for marriage and not just two people who really care for each other and really want to be compatible. That is not a small difference, when it comes to a lifetime commitment.

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Those are HUGE signs that he will or has already cheated on you.


Don't take this lightly, talk to him and ask him straight out if he prefers more than one partner or won't even be satisfied with one partner.

Might as well find out now instead of finding out when you're married.


Also, both for you should be checked for STDs. That's another danger you face... that he might cheat on you, not tell you, and bring you home an STD.

Please be careful.

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OP, to clarify, are you a woman?


There is a big part of his life he doesn't want you involved in. So while he might appreciate your acceptance of his cross-dressing, for example, there are other activities he wants to do on his own. This is of course a serious problem if you consider yourselves a monogamous and sexually exclusive couple. He is seeking partners outside your relationship. This is no longer only about watching porn. You have a big issue on your hands and no way would I be moving forward with wedding plans.


I am curious to know, why did you two agree to only watch porn together? What led to that compromise? I am sensing there have previous issues surrounding your shared sex life.

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No person only wants to watch porn together. It's called private time and it's usually used as a visual aid to arousal during masturbation so that request in itself is rather improbable to maintain and I too wonder why you are so insecure that you don't want to allow one another to have a private moment of self pleasure.


This is no longer only about watching porn.
This ^^^ is the truth and you'd do well to delve into that rather than him "hiding" because its gone well beyond that innocuous reason to be worried... unless of course you are in an open relationship but he's "hiding" his extracurricular activities when he should be disclosing any new partners he brings into the mix.
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