A red flag ?

[Boo1986]

That's why a quick cup of coffee is best. 🤓☕🙊 What if he has teeth but looks like s shark?🦈

 

Haha yeh that’s a possibility also I guess! Is half an hour an acceptable time to allow or too quick?

[Batya33]

Haha yeh that’s a possibility also I guess! Is half an hour an acceptable time to allow or too quick?

 

I would do half hour-to hour. One time I met a guy at a small mall and we were supposed to go to a trendy bar just for a drink. He showed up and looked like someone who lived on the streets - scraggly unkempt hair, basically wearing rags, etc. I knew I couldn't go into that place with him looking like that. So I told him we'd go downstairs to the bookstore cafe and I ended the date in less than 20 minutes. I did not feel badly at all. His photos were nothing like that and whatever the reason he was dressed like that and unclean I didn't care-he's a stranger. I didn't comment on his appearance at all just cut the meet short.

[Boo1986]

I would do half hour-to hour. One time I met a guy at a small mall and we were supposed to go to a trendy bar just for a drink. He showed up and looked like someone who lived on the streets - scraggly unkempt hair, basically wearing rags, etc. I knew I couldn't go into that place with him looking like that. So I told him we'd go downstairs to the bookstore cafe and I ended the date in less than 20 minutes. I did not feel badly at all. His photos were nothing like that and whatever the reason he was dressed like that and unclean I didn't care-he's a stranger. I didn't comment on his appearance at all just cut the meet short.

 

Thanks for this advice, although it’s not needed as he basically ghosted me. Didn’t hear from him to confirm so by 12 I messaged and he said “he was so sick and forgot to let me know” and to that I said “ok some common decency in letting me know would of be nice, good luck with your life” and he sent me a wall of text saying how i have no empathy and am not nice for cutting him off when he’s sick and I should be concerned if he’s ok or not etc etc” safe to say dodged a bullet!!!

[Batya33]

Thanks for this advice, although it’s not needed as he basically ghosted me. Didn’t hear from him to confirm so by 12 I messaged and he said “he was so sick and forgot to let me know” and to that I said “ok some common decency in letting me know would of be nice, good luck with your life” and he sent me a wall of text saying how i have no empathy and am not nice for cutting him off when he’s sick and I should be concerned if he’s ok or not etc etc” safe to say dodged a bullet!!!

 

I kind of agree with him. If he was sick you need to cut him slack if he forgot to message you - he should have for sure but please give him the benefit of the doubt and don't lecture a stranger who is sick especially and sign off with "good luck with your life" - walk a mile in his shoes. If he was in the bathroom or barely able to get up of course he should send a simple text and not leave you hanging but yes it's common decency to write "I am sorry you're not feeling well" and then maybe "I was waiting to hear from you and when you're feeling better if you want to get in touch that's fine". It's not ghosting -it's simply flaky and unreliable and assuming he is sick yes, somewhat understanding. Be careful since he has your number and not the best idea to upset a stranger.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[Boo1986]

I kind of agree with him. If he was sick you need to cut him slack if he forgot to message you - he should have for sure but please give him the benefit of the doubt and don't lecture a stranger who is sick especially and sign off with "good luck with your life" - walk a mile in his shoes. If he was in the bathroom or barely able to get up of course he should send a simple text and not leave you hanging but yes it's common decency to write "I am sorry you're not feeling well" and then maybe "I was waiting to hear from you and when you're feeling better if you want to get in touch that's fine". It's not ghosting -it's simply flaky and unreliable and assuming he is sick yes, somewhat understanding. Be careful since he has your number and not the best idea to upset a stranger.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

Oh really thanks for your honest feedback. I was kind of wondering why this always happens to me (things end before they begin and on bad terms) and someone said it may be the way I am so I appreciate your insight. I should have been a bit nicer about, now I feel bad

[abitbroken]

Thanks for this advice, although it’s not needed as he basically ghosted me. Didn’t hear from him to confirm so by 12 I messaged and he said “he was so sick and forgot to let me know” and to that I said “ok some common decency in letting me know would of be nice, good luck with your life” and he sent me a wall of text saying how i have no empathy and am not nice for cutting him off when he’s sick and I should be concerned if he’s ok or not etc etc” safe to say dodged a bullet!!!

 

Whoa.

I would have just said "hope you feel better soon" nonchalantly and don't reach out again.

Who knows, he could have been a great guy who had food poisoning and felt like he was going to die and when you met, you could have looked back and laughed at how you almost didn't meet.

 

Or he would have not contacted you again and you would have met someone else.

 

you came across as extremely uppity, and i would have wrote you off.

[Batya33]

Oh really thanks for your honest feedback. I was kind of wondering why this always happens to me (things end before they begin and on bad terms) and someone said it may be the way I am so I appreciate your insight. I should have been a bit nicer about, now I feel bad

 

What do you mean "always" -that you don't end up meeting a stranger from a dating site? Happens all the time to many people -comes with the territory. Happened to me several times too.

I think you should send him a quick text "I'm very sorry I responded as I did. I hope you feel much better soon and wish you well."

[reinventmyself]

You went off on a stranger you haven't even met over not texting when you deemed necessary?

He owes you absolutely nothing at this point in time.

 

You need to get your insecurities in check before you consider dating.

[Batya33]

You went off on a stranger you haven't even met over not texting when you deemed necessary?

He owes you absolutely nothing at this point in time.

 

You need to get your insecurities in check before you consider dating.

 

So I think he was supposed to text her to confirm the meet up?

[Rose Mosse]

If you didn't get a good vibe from him from the start, just trust your instincts next time. You can still be polite and meanwhile speak with other people on the website or respond to other messages and meet up with others for coffee. He might have been doing the same. I don't think that means he's sleazy or being rude. There are different types of daters out there too. This is the time you get to know people.

 

Next time just take it easy and avoid people whom you don't get good vibes or feel naturally comfortable around. It's easy to write people off when they're just photos on a screen and one-dimensional. Online dating can do that to you if you're not careful (make you jaded and impatient). If you're feeling more annoyed than usual, take a break. Come back to OLD later - maybe a few weeks from now or a few months. Take care of yourself.

[reinventmyself]

So I think he was supposed to text her to confirm the meet up?

My bad. I went to reread and yes, she was inquiring about a date.

[Batya33]

My bad. I went to reread and yes, she was inquiring about a date.

 

Yes but still I agree with you and wrote similarly to her

[reinventmyself]

Yes but still I agree with you and wrote similarly to her

Yah. I wouldn't have gone off on him and give him the opportunity to write me off as `that psycho girl'. Because I'll bet my lunch that's what he's thinking.

 

Don't ever assume what the other is thinking. You don't know them. If his response didn't suite your preference, be secure with that. But don't flame him for it. It's just not a good look.

 

My previous relationship, we set a date to meet. I wasn't in a place at the moment where I even wanted to date anyone, let alone meet up. So, I made an excuse and cancelled. It had nothing to do with him and it was totally an inside job. A week passed, I shook off the funk I was in and I got the break I needed. I reached out to him again and he graciously agreed to meet me. We dated for a year and half.

 

I read all these similar scenerious and the harsh views surrounding it. I did something similar. I stepped back for a moment and took a few days for myself. Nothing cryptic, no ulterior motives. And - he didn't read anything sinister into it.

[Boo1986]

Yah. I wouldn't have gone off on him and give him the opportunity to write me off as `that psycho girl'. Because I'll bet my lunch that's what he's thinking.

 

Don't ever assume what the other is thinking. You don't know them. If his response didn't suite your preference, be secure with that. But don't flame him for it. It's just not a good look.

 

My previous relationship, we set a date to meet. I wasn't in a place at the moment where I even wanted to date anyone, let alone meet up. So, I made an excuse and cancelled. It had nothing to do with him and it was totally an inside job. A week passed, I shook off the funk I was in and I got the break I needed. I reached out to him again and he graciously agreed to meet me. We dated for a year and half.

 

I read all these similar scenerious and the harsh views surrounding it. I did something similar. I stepped back for a moment and took a few days for myself. Nothing cryptic, no ulterior motives. And - he didn't read anything sinister into it.

 

Thanks for putting it in perspective, maybe I am a psycho? At the time I thought my response was perfectly fine but looking back now and due to others opinions I can see it from the other way around... definitely not a good look. I don’t think I can say sorry now as one poster suggested - his last message was disbelief that I reacted the way I did and he would prefer people like me not in his life anyway... so yeh think I made my bed there. I know it’s probably hard to believe but I’m totally normal and nice and kind in all aspects of my life I’m just not good at dating. I think it’s because I’m massively insecure and need constant reassurance and when I don’t get it or it feels off I jump to worse conclusion and cut them off - not that this one guy is a big deal it just seems to happen a lot unfortunately.

[Batya33]

No but it's not about not being good at dating. You weren't dating him. He is a human being, a stranger, who you thought was lying to you about being sick and simply flaked/blew you off so you decided to type a lecture to this stranger. It is about being good at interacting with people even when you feel insecure. Not just if the context is a potential date in the future. It's about not subjecting other people to your insecurities by treating them in less than a polite/pleasant way because you are insecure. If you limit it to just dating you'll miss the opportunity to change how you react to your feelings, including feelings of insecurity. It's easy to be "nice" and "kind" when you're feeling peaceful and secure.

 

But the true test isn't about being nice or kind. It's about treating other people with respect even if you're feeling crappy - when it's hard to do is how you know what you're made of. I have to do this every single day with my son, more than once a day. Choose a reaction that is not irritated or annoyed or less than respectful "just because" I am tired, I am hangry, or he is being a kid and I wish he were more mature so I could actually sit down and have that hot coffee I so desperately need at 7am or earlier. Because he doesn't deserve less than compassionate, respectful treatment just because his mom isn't feeling her best. And you want others to treat you with respect so when you show them that you're able to be other directed and able not to subject others to your feelings of insecurity or annoyance or stress or vulnerability you will more likely get treated with respect in return. I met and encountered many flaky types, some people who acted like jerks, etc and I developed a thick skin so I could keep my eye on the prize of a husband and potentially a family. I didn't allow myself to get jaded or cynical other than momentarily. A couple of hours or so.

 

I hope this helps. No you are not a psycho. We all make mistakes.

[bluecastle]

If you date with a pre-existing idea that men are horrible creatures put on the earth to ghost you, then you will try to confirm that theory through dating. Just something to think about, as I can’t help but see some of that here.

 

Dating is about the worst activity one can choose to seek reassurance and soothing, so perhaps look at this moment as life suggesting that it would be a good idea to find ways to feel a little more secure in your own skin. The more secure you are the more slack you can give other humans. A little of that goes a long way with strangers.

 

My feeling is that there really wasn’t anything he could have done or said to appease you after you texted him. You were already in a negative frame of mind, assuming the worst and finding more comfort in those assumptions than comfort in the idea that people are pretty cool and worth getting to know.

[Boo1986]

No but it's not about not being good at dating. You weren't dating him. He is a human being, a stranger, who you thought was lying to you about being sick and simply flaked/blew you off so you decided to type a lecture to this stranger. It is about being good at interacting with people even when you feel insecure. Not just if the context is a potential date in the future. It's about not subjecting other people to your insecurities by treating them in less than a polite/pleasant way because you are insecure. If you limit it to just dating you'll miss the opportunity to change how you react to your feelings, including feelings of insecurity. It's easy to be "nice" and "kind" when you're feeling peaceful and secure.

 

But the true test isn't about being nice or kind. It's about treating other people with respect even if you're feeling crappy - when it's hard to do is how you know what you're made of. I have to do this every single day with my son, more than once a day. Choose a reaction that is not irritated or annoyed or less than respectful "just because" I am tired, I am hangry, or he is being a kid and I wish he were more mature so I could actually sit down and have that hot coffee I so desperately need at 7am or earlier. Because he doesn't deserve less than compassionate, respectful treatment just because his mom isn't feeling her best. And you want others to treat you with respect so when you show them that you're able to be other directed and able not to subject others to your feelings of insecurity or annoyance or stress or vulnerability you will more likely get treated with respect in return. I met and encountered many flaky types, some people who acted like jerks, etc and I developed a thick skin so I could keep my eye on the prize of a husband and potentially a family. I didn't allow myself to get jaded or cynical other than momentarily. A couple of hours or so.

 

I hope this helps. No you are not a psycho. We all make mistakes.

 

You are so wise and everything you say makes complete sense. I can see the error of my ways and wish I could change how I reacted but too late now, I will learn for the next time though and as you said practice on a daily basis. I really want to meet someone nice and be happy.

[Boo1986]

If you date with a pre-existing idea that men are horrible creatures put on the earth to ghost you, then you will try to confirm that theory through dating. Just something to think about, as I can’t help but see some of that here.

 

Dating is about the worst activity one can choose to seek reassurance and soothing, so perhaps look at this moment as life suggesting that it would be a good idea to find ways to feel a little more secure in your own skin. The more secure you are the more slack you can give other humans. A little of that goes a long way with strangers.

 

My feeling is that there really wasn’t anything he could have done or said to appease you after you texted him. You were already in a negative frame of mind, assuming the worst and finding more comfort in those assumptions than comfort in the idea that people are pretty cool and worth getting to know.

 

Yes I guess I do go in with a negative attitude, I feel like if I think the worst and expect the worst I can’t be as let down, but it doesn’t work and I don’t want to be that person. I am going to try my hardest to listen to all this good advice, next time someone comes up with what I think is a flaky excuse I’ll take there word for it and just observe how it plays out? I don’t know.

[Wiseman2]

If there is no fixed time, place, date, then it's not a date. He sounds like a weirdo sending a wall of text. However there is no need to send preemptive texts like this. Make sure you are ready to date and don't build up this much up in your mind beforehand about teeth or ghosting etc. If you don't want to meet someone just be honest with yourself that you have doubts.

I messaged and he said “he was so sick and forgot to let me know” and to that I said “ok some common decency in letting me know would of be nice, good luck with your life”.

[Batya33]

Yes I guess I do go in with a negative attitude, I feel like if I think the worst and expect the worst I can’t be as let down, but it doesn’t work and I don’t want to be that person. I am going to try my hardest to listen to all this good advice, next time someone comes up with what I think is a flaky excuse I’ll take there word for it and just observe how it plays out? I don’t know.

 

Well no - it requires your evaluation each time in any social interaction - you take an active and proactive role in your choices as to how to behave with people and how to choose to react to your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. But you choose how to react. If the goal of dating is worth it then it will be worth the work and effort and time and stress. For me it was.

[Lambert]

look at this as lesson learned... don't be so quick to clap back on someone... some times it's not about you, you know?

 

it's no too late... if you're willing to be vulnerable and transparent... apologize and acknowledge that you were too quick to judge.

 

in this day and age, more people need to be willing to apologize and fix things.... that's how relationships work. communication, vulnerability, compassion for each other.....

 

just know, it may be too late, as you hadven't met and he could be turned off. He still deserves an apology. An apology is due because you acted poorly. regardless of how he decides to move forward and whether or not he wants to give you a chance... it's the right thing to do.

 

Then next time, chill, gf. Don't be so quick to react and lash out.

[Boo1986]

look at this as lesson learned... don't be so quick to clap back on someone... some times it's not about you, you know?

 

it's no too late... if you're willing to be vulnerable and transparent... apologize and acknowledge that you were too quick to judge.

 

in this day and age, more people need to be willing to apologize and fix things.... that's how relationships work. communication, vulnerability, compassion for each other.....

 

just know, it may be too late, as you hadven't met and he could be turned off. He still deserves an apology. An apology is due because you acted poorly. regardless of how he decides to move forward and whether or not he wants to give you a chance... it's the right thing to do.

 

Then next time, chill, gf. Don't be so quick to react and lash out.

 

In another spur of the moment action I deleted his number from everywhere so I can’t send a text to apologise... unfortunately. But I feel like I have learnt my lesson not to react so quickly. And I like your paragraph on communication and vulnerability, I think that is very true - I have a big wall up which is part of the way I think I act like I do. In future I’m going to really try to take peoples word until proven wrong and not assume anything, as I’ve learnt it didn’t get me anywhere good.

[boltnrun]

"Sorry to hear you are sick, although a text to let me know next time would be appreciated. Feel free to contact me when you're feeling better if you want to reschedule".

 

Then continue to message and meet others.

 

For next time, of course. Good luck and don't beat yourself up. This was not a "relationship", so no need to treat it like one.

[Lambert]

In another spur of the moment action I deleted his number from everywhere so I can’t send a text to apologise... unfortunately. But I feel like I have learnt my lesson not to react so quickly. And I like your paragraph on communication and vulnerability, I think that is very true - I have a big wall up which is part of the way I think I act like I do. In future I’m going to really try to take peoples word until proven wrong and not assume anything, as I’ve learnt it didn’t get me anywhere good.

Well, it's good to learn a lesson and not react so quickly. but I've been burned on that trust till given a reason not to approach as well.

 

it's a balance, you know? go with your gut. And if you do feel you have a lot of walls etc, work on yourself to bring those down. Sometimes we put up walls because we can't trust ourselves to hold up our boundaries.

 

It took me a looooong time to learn boundaries. I was always good at respecting others, but not my own. And that lead to a lot of disappointment for me. I was teaching people (unknowingly of course) that they were more important than I was, to me! And that no matter what they did, I'd be there. Among other problems, like taking responsibility for others... a big no no.

 

Practice asking open ended questions (not yes or answer) before reacting. Like -- how did you get so sick? its a lot less accusatory and will give you more info to make the decision to believe or not. you know?

[Batya33]

Well, it's good to learn a lesson and not react so quickly. but I've been burned on that trust till given a reason not to approach as well.

 

it's a balance, you know? go with your gut. And if you do feel you have a lot of walls etc, work on yourself to bring those down. Sometimes we put up walls because we can't trust ourselves to hold up our boundaries.

 

It took me a looooong time to learn boundaries. I was always good at respecting others, but not my own. And that lead to a lot of disappointment for me. I was teaching people (unknowingly of course) that they were more important than I was, to me! And that no matter what they did, I'd be there. Among other problems, like taking responsibility for others... a big no no.

 

Practice asking open ended questions (not yes or answer) before reacting. Like -- how did you get so sick? its a lot less accusatory and will give you more info to make the decision to believe or not. you know?

 

Yes, it's a balance and a balance informed by your own values, standards, self-esteem. It's worth the effort to treat each situation individually.