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Message on our anniversary from my EX


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Hi everyone!

 

I am in a state of confusion and heartbrake again.

The thing is that my boyfriend of 4,5 years broke up with me around 6 months ago and I went through the hell of a pain to get where I am now and don't feel as depressed and sad as I did back when it has happened.

There were lots of things that went wrong in our relationships, but he was always the one who was madly panicked in case I'd want to leave.

The week before he broke news to me, we went to see a flat I was going to move into on my own, since he decided to live in university for a year. He then proceeded to tell me that as I found a new job and will be travelling a lot, that I will have men around me and most definitely will fall for one of them, plus I will be living on my own and he will be worried if I'll have anyone around my place etc. This all was said to me and I was in shock since I never gave him any reason to think I'm not trustworthy and even stopped seeing my male friends because one day he freaked out seeing I was getting ready to go out and catch up with one of my friends from work. Since then I never went out or had a proper chat with any of my men friends. He asked me to never leave him as everyone else did and of course, because I loved him, I would never do such a thing.

However, the week later he meets me in his car and tells me he doesn't want to be in relationships...

To say I was in pieces is to say nothing. I dropped all of my standards and respect for myself and tried to talk to him, even begged him - absolutely nothing. During this all his parents decided to get divorced and sell the house, so I did send him a message to say I was sorry to hear about it as I knew his whole family, all celebrations we spent together and they called me a part of their family too.

He told me that his life is in pieces now and his family is broken, that he doesn't want to come back to the town he lived once his uni is over next summer and he also thinks sometimes that if two people love each other as we do, it's wrong to not to be together, but he can't be with anyone now.

But a few days ago, on our anniversary date, he sent me a message that said that today is the days and he hopes I'm okay and he misses me.

Now, I was doing very well before that and did my best not to think what was the day, but this broke me into bits again. I can't sleep, eat or calm down again. It's been 6 months and I can't believe I still love that person and I still think about him every single day. I feel very lost and have no idea why I still have such a strong feeling towards him.

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6 months is nothing...Keep going*

 

He is just having a down moment and weaning off you.

 

You are not healed yet.

 

Proceed with caution!

I can't sleep, eat or calm down again. It's been 6 months and I can't believe I still love that person and I still think about him every single day. I feel very lost and have no idea why I still have such a strong feeling towards him.

Try these:

 

 

 

Carus*

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Sorry to hear this. It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. His interesting accusations of infidelity seem to make one wonder why that was on his mind so much.

 

It sounds like he met someone then and that was what the sudden breakup was about. Try to get on with your local life. Don't be his friend or therapist. If you are still felling poorly, consider that it was the relationship, not the breakup, that made you feel sick. Make an appt with a doctor for a checkup and a therapist to unpack and sort some of this. You dodged a bullet.

The thing is that my boyfriend of 4,5 years broke up with me around 6 months ago

But a few days ago, on our anniversary date, he sent me a message that said that today is the days and he hopes I'm okay and he misses me.

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Thank you for reading through the whole thing.

 

I've deleted him from facebook and Instagram. It is really hard still to realise that that part of my life that I had with him is over, so I don't block his number, which is probably a wrong thing to do.

He keeps saying he loves me and misses me, says he doesn't see himself having such a bond as we had with anyone else, it was truly special.

We were truly best friends as well as were or are madly in love. He is not seeing or seen anyone else throughout these 6 months, so I don't think he met someone and that's why he made that decision. But after all that happened what do I know...

He always had low self-esteem and didn't have much confidence. It took me years to try and convince him that he is a good looking guy, but he never was happy with the way he looked and used to question me as of what I found in him to fall in love with.

I just miss my best friend and the only person I had and have such strong feelings to. I just don't understand why this has happened.

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Well he MIGHT want to try again, but actions speak louder than words right?

 

I just think the statistics on couples getting back together only to split up again are quite high....

 

So just take it easy and slowly, get on with your life and see what he comes with....But please do be careful*

 

Carus*

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Exactly, I agree. I do feel as I have done everything to show I cared about him, so I will leave it there.

You are very right about statistics, unfortunately.

Thank you for your support, it is very good to know there is a place out there such as this website, where people are coming together and helping each other, sharing their experiences. It is very reassuring.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I think these moments are almost inevitable following long relationships. Big picture: this is breaking up, it is a process, and 6 months is still fresh. Give yourself a moment to just accept all that, rather than judge it, deem it a puzzle to solve. I like to think of a broken heart along the same lines as a broken bone—with a moment like this kind of the equivalent of a marathon runner recovering from a broken leg. First there is the surgery and the cast, pure bedrest. Then you start walking around, feeling more nimble every day. Then you think you're ready for a little jog, but after two blocks you realize your leg is still fragile. It hurts more than you thought it would, and that sucks.

 

His text to you reminded you of this—that you're still healing. Able to walk but not quite able to fun, yet. And that's okay. Point being, keep making it about you rather than him.

 

Investing in people with low self-esteem has real connectivity shortcomings and can cause some serious whiplash. That might be worth exploring as well, as you heal and start thinking about what you really want and need from romance. Sounds like a major reward you got inside this relationship was "convincing" him that he was great: good-looking, worthy of your commitment, and so on, as he repeatedly tried to convince you that you were wrong.

 

That is one version of intimacy and vulnerability, but I'd say it's limited one. If you think about it, that reward—which might by part of what you miss, as it sounds pretty baked in to the bond—is dependent on him remaining down about himself, at his core. And so you create a dynamic, together, where he expresses a lack of confidence and you boost him up, getting a little boost of your own in the process.

 

Thing is, it's human nature to want to feel self-empowered, not dependent on others for power. This is where the scales tip—where the low-confidence person getting the booster shot will start to "reject" it, much the way a child goes from loving riding a bike with training wheels to being ashamed to still need them to ride a bike. That child either learns to ride without them, or comes to hate bikes and will find power in "breaking up" with bikes.

 

How I would see his text to you, with all that in mind? I'd see him seeking that reliable booster shot. It's been 6 months, and the the self-empowerment that came from ending things is fading, so he goes back to what he knows. Same coin, different side. It's not malicious or manipulative, but it might be an extension of the very thing that both "worked" and "didn't work" inside your dynamic—and, as such, more evidence that you two work better apart than together, much as the brain (and heart) are quick to write a different story.

 

Inhale, exhale. You're in a good place, a human place. It is not permanent, but a process—a hard one. I say acknowledge this as part of that process—not more, not less—and stay in it.

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I've never grieved for any relationship past one to two months so I cannot relate to you. I do know that it's healthy to cut acquaintances with someone who no longer adds to your life in meaningful ways. Life does go on. Practice being real with yourself. His self-esteem issues are not your problem. His message on your would-be anniversary is unnecessary, in my opinion. It's also disrespectful to you in your path to healing and moving on. This person has no cognitive clue about what his actions and words do to others and this is a red flag and should be a major turn off (I don't respond very well to these personally). The journey is different for everyone so don't feel like you're strange or what you're going through at six months is odd. Everyone has a different journey and processes things differently.

 

My message is more one of encouragement than advice. Wishing you a speedy recovery and practice lots of self-love and find the joy in little and big things. Slowly things will come together.

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6 months is nothing...Keep going*

 

He is just having a down moment and weaning off you.

 

You are not healed yet.

 

Proceed with caution!

 

Try these:

 

 

 

Carus*

 

Carus, I cannot thank you enough for posting these videos. I watched them and they've been so helpful. I'm still trying to get over the demise of my 29 year marriage and I am having such a hard time but I'm getting there. Thanks SO much again! xx

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First of all, I am SO sorry that you're going through this.

 

I understand exactly how you feel, Viola. I went through something like this myself. Long story short: he told me in May 2018 that he wanted a divorce after 29 years of marriage and two kids. My divorce is now final as of January of this year, so I've had some time to process this loss. I've been no contact with him for 1.5 years now. My birthday is in August. Last year, my ex was too busy with another woman so I didn't receive a happy birthday text from him (thank goodness), which was truly OK with me. I didn't want to see him, nor talk to him, nor text him. I still feel that way. Angry, hurt and embarrassed? Without a doubt. The only exception that I'd make is if one of my sons got engaged, married, etc. I will be gracious only under those circumstances and attend whatever function there was.

 

Anyway, I am going through the grieving process fairly well thus far. I feel like I am pretty resilient. However, out of the blue, my ex sent me a text this past August saying "Happy Birthday". What the heck??? Why on earth did he send it? The reason I am telling you all this is because when I received that text, I felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I cried and was highly agitated for a number of daysl days. I was completely baffled by how deeply that text affected me. I wish he hadn't sent it because it set me back considerably in the healing process. But, with time, I am getting better once again.

 

I believe that you need to give yourself more time to heal. Your wounds are still too fresh and too deep because of your love for him. i think it's normal to feel this way because we're humans with feelings and emotions. Sometimes I wish I was a sociopath; that way I wouldn't feel any pain/heartache. Crazy. Please, hang in there. Your heartache will ease with time. Time will work its magic. I make an effort every day to accept reality as it is now.

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He keeps saying he loves me and misses me, says he doesn't see himself having such a bond as we had with anyone else, it was truly special.

 

This is cruel, to keep you like a hooked fish on a line that he's never going to release to freedom.

 

I, myself, was really pissed off when a guy who broke up with me texted me 4 or 5 months later, when I was fresh from achieving closure. And there he goes opening the wound again.

 

If your ex had really wanted to work on things together through tough times, he would've. It doesn't even sound like there were any major issues in the relationship. Realizing he doesn't care enough should be the final push for you to go totally no contact.

 

You have to do what's best for yourself, and staying in contact certainly isn't what's for the best, since you cried when he did contact you. Since he cares more about his own needs of keeping a fan at your expense, you should tell him you need closure, and will appreciate him respecting this by not contacting you again. And then block him.

 

With time to heal and closure, in hindsight I realized my ex did me a huge favor by breaking up with me. This caused me to be single when my future husband came into my life, and thank God for that. Many times in life you feel miserable when a goal like getting a particular job or wanting a particular person as your partner doesn't pan out. Very often though, fate or your guardian angels have something far better in store for you, so it's hard to at the moment, but look forward to that. I know it happened for me. Take care.

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I agree with others regarding ghosting, blocking and someday, I hope you will find the courage to delete him.

 

It's unhealthy to remain in contact with your ex. Tell him (via text) that it's time to go your separate ways permanently. Give him one last chance by giving him a final, respectful yet polite statement. If he continues to correspond relentlessly, take Draconian measures by ghosting, blocking and deleting him from your life.

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Carus, I cannot thank you enough for posting these videos. I watched them and they've been so helpful. I'm still trying to get over the demise of my 29 year marriage and I am having such a hard time but I'm getting there. Thanks SO much again! xx

My pleasure. Glad they helped...29 years. Of course it will take time but so long as you're pushing on*

 

In those 29 years I had my heart ripped out about 8-10 times. I'm not sure which would be worse lol

 

How you doing today Viola?

 

Carus*

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