MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 So you think he always planned to go back to her? That basically they are just on a break? Sorry Charlierose, but are you taking the proverbial here? Nothing anything anyone is saying to you in going in at all. You just keep asking the same questions. People are kindly taking the time to write you good advice and you just keep asking the same immature questions... Am a bit baffled here. *scratchinghead BTW no one on here can tell you exactly what he is going to do. Can you not see that? Nobody here has a crystal ball. Read and heed their wise advice. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Why is that an immature question? I am taking in what people are saying. Im grateful for all the advice and opinions. I just meant by what you said his texts pretty much translated to, was that what you meant. Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I don't think you are taking it in at all. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 I am taking it in. Hes a bad man whos still in love with his ex and im an idiot! Pretty much sums it up, no? Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 You're not an idiot, hon. It's just that you can do way, way better than him. You said he's the first man to be interested in you in a long time. This means, to him, that he can act however he wants, because you seem determined to hold onto him regardless of what he does, and how he's already proven to treat the mother of his children. You are worth more than this and you deserve better. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Hes a bad man whos still in love with his ex and im an idiot! Pretty much sums it up, no? No. This is too easy, and it's self-serving. You are two people who got involved at a time when it makes no sense to be involved. Happens. If you had a bit more self-esteem you wouldn't make this personal, but rather you would logically see that there is nothing here to deliver what you need to feel secure. And so you move on, head high. No thermometer exists to gauge if someone is still "in love" with anyone. I have no idea how "in love" my girlfriend is with me. I just trust it because I have no reason not to, whereas all you have here are reasons not to trust anything: him, her, you. Love, anyway, is irrelevant here. Your entire bond is created by each of you validating sh*t choices: yours to continue to be open to romance with a man involved with someone else, his to search for escape hatches from life when it gets complicated. Those are weak sides. They will grow, at the expense of anything like strength inside each of you, as long as you stay involved. On the flip side, there is extraordinary strength to be found in owning our human weaknesses. You can't trigger that in him, or any human, but you can in yourself. The instant you walk away from him is the instant you become a stronger woman who values her worth—and the instant you do that is the instant you get closer to meeting the sort of man you actually want to be with, rather than this guy, who for the time being is just a human wrecking ball. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 She asked him about meeting tomorrow because he had said he was off, he has just replied now saying that he cant because hes working. Hes not. Im off tomorrow and have plans with him. So hes just lied to her that he cant see the children because hes working when actually hes supposed to be seeing me Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 She asked him about meeting tomorrow because he had said he was off, he has just replied now saying that he cant because hes working. Hes not. Im off tomorrow and have plans with him. So hes just lied to her that he cant see the children because hes working when actually hes supposed to be seeing me What a catch! You're lucky to have found someone who is a great liar. Sorry I trying really hard not to be smart, but am finding it impossible. I am starting to think this thread is a wind up. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Its not a wind up. And i didnt mean it to come across as i thought it was good that he seemed to be putting me first because i dont. I know that his children should come first no matter what Link to comment
bluecastle Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Can I ask how old you are? I can't understand why you have any interest in a man who is lying and hiding you. I mean, he's not hiding any of that, by the sounds of it, so something about this whole thing is compelling to you. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Hes not hiding any of what? And im 22. Hes 25. Ita only his ex he hasnt told about me and Im not sure if he has told his family or not but its still new so i wouldnt have expected him to tell them yet anyway. It seems as though he blows hot and cold with her from what ive seen and heard. So to me that does seem as though hes conflicted about his feelings for her. Or maybe he just wants to be friends with her now for the sake of the children but she keeps coming on too strong so he pulls back? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 He's not hiding that he is a snake. You're both really young, I get it. But why oh why choose to hitch your youth to a youth-destroying wagon? Try, for a moment, to take a longview here: dude has two kids, under highly dubious circumstances that he has not remotely come to terms with. Break your brain in every direction and show me how this turns into anything you want to be in. Do you see yourself, at 23 or 26, sitting around the bonfire with him, his kids, his ex, her new partner, singing kumbaya? You're trying to have a "normal" youthful relationship under highly abnormal, highly adult circumstances with a young man who is a snake, a coward, and a child. That is a recipe for agony. Imagine a friend telling you about all this. What advice would you give her? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Try, for a moment, to take a longview here: dude has two kids, under highly dubious circumstances that he has not remotely come to terms with. How do you mean? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 " She asked him if there was anyone else and he said no " This, combined with the fact that he said he was working instead of "I'm spending the day with my girlfriend", says it all. He is hiding you because he doesn't want her to know about you. He's thinking what a stud he is because he has two women chasing him. But he's a d-bag because he stepped away from a relationship with his childrens' mother to have a fling while they were away and now he wants to keep his fling AND his family too. What about that do you find attractive? Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 God, he's 25 with two kids? So sad. Love OP, you are only 22. Please don't get messed up with those looser. You have your whole life in front of you. And whatever you do, for your own sake, PLEASE use serious contraceptives. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 So you think that basically me and his ex are in a way allowing him to have both? If one of us was to pull back he would start chasing after them? So if i was to pull away he would start chasing more after me and vice versa? Or do you think if that no matter which one of us pulled back, me or her, that the outcome would be the same, that he would chase after her? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 What about him and this situation do you find attractive? Besides "But I LOVE him!!!", please. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Yes he has 2 children. From what ive heard, even whilst she was away he was telling his ex that he wanted a 3rd. That he was so in love with her and would love another baby with her. But she wasnt ready. Their youngest would only have been around 8-10 months at that point Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Im starting not to find any of it attractive. I think ive been blinded by the 'honeymoon phase' but after hearing everyone thoughts im starting to realise how much ive been played Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Yes he has 2 children. From what ive heard, even whilst she was away he was telling his ex that he wanted a 3rd. That he was so in love with her and would love another baby with her. But she wasnt ready. Their youngest would only have been around 8-10 months at that point I’m doing one of those hands on side of face screaming emojis. Please get away from this boy. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Im starting not to find any of it attractive. I think ive been blinded by the 'honeymoon phase' but after hearing everyone thoughts im starting to realise how much ive been played You weren't "played", you had all this information in front of you but chose (yes, chose) to believe what he said instead. You want to believe he loves you and doesn't want to be with her anymore, but it's clear he wants you both. Whether he truly loves either of you is debatable because in my world you don't lie to or deceive someone you love and you certainly don't run out on your family the minute they leave town just so you don't have to do without sex. This guy bailed on his family! I can't see how you wouldn't realize he would do the same thing to you if you became pregnant. Or how that would make him attractive to you. The poor kids, they must be so confused! Which, speaking of pregnancy, please do not "accidentally" become pregnant just so you can be "equal" with his girlfriend (yes, girlfriend, they are still very much in a relationship, he's involved with the both of you). All that would do is make you the totally single mother of a child you'd have to raise on your own. It won't make him commit to you. Link to comment
Lambert Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 This is quite the mess. Ok. Let's forget the past and focus on the now. It seems to me, your only choice is to RUN! Distance yourself (initiate no contact.) When he contacts you and he will...break it off. Take the high road. Say you want him to give his family a chance. And then don't engage with him anymore. At 22 years of age, you have a lot of time and a lot of opportunity to build a better life for yourself. You don't need a guy with kids and a wife or baby momma or whatever. You can spend your time meeting better guys. I know it can seem like finding a guy that shows interest takes forever and no one has really been on the radar lately. In so many ways, that is what makes us feel desperate for the one that does seem to show interest. But in the long run, you are settling. Because this woman is not going away. Nor should she. They seem young enough and have kids together, that it is in THIER best interest to try to get the family back together. You deserve so much more than that. If he were with you 150%, claiming he is happy, focusing on you and being a good dad, too. That would be one thing. But you are not in that situation. You are being deceived by this guy. Whether it is intentional or not. (I know, it's hard to image the people we care about do not have the same intent towards us, so I won't go there.) But the bottom line-- you can do better and when you start believing that, you will find you get better. I am not judging you at all. I have done cray cray things for love. I have tolerated crap I should not have. I have given benefits of the doubt, more times than I can count. I have been beaten up this forum, when all I needed was someone to listen. lol. So don't beat yourself up about this situation and take some of the brutal truth written here with a grain of salt..... Then look at it as it is... you tried. It's not working. There are kids involved and you just don't need the aggravation. Your intuition is telling you, listen to it. You are not insecure. This relationship is insecure and not because of you. But because of him.... When you find the real thing, you won't feel the way you do. And don't squander your youth on this. You have something he doesn't--- FREEDOM. Cherish it. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 They arent currently in a relationship. Theyre definitely broken up. Athough hes just been trying to convince her he hasnt ignored her today, thats its just that hes busy at work. I saw him texting. I think he forgets the mirror behind the bar at work so i can see what hes doing when hes stood with his back to it. And i dont want children. Ive only just finished uni, i had just come home and started this job when i met him. I plan to have my own business. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 This: "Athough hes just been trying to convince her he hasnt ignored her today, thats its just that hes busy at work. I saw him texting." contradicts this: "They arent currently in a relationship. Theyre definitely broken up." Why do you want so badly to believe they aren't in a relationship? I haven't met any of you and I can clearly see he's trying to keep her! I'm glad you don't want a baby right now to interfere with your future plans. That's smart thinking. Now, if you can walk away from this guy and this toxic, demeaning situation your future is limitless and exciting. Why give up your potential for a great life for this piece of garbage guy? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Perhaps hes just scared she'll kick off or stop him seeing the children? Last week the werent having alot of contact until they got into an argument because she said he wasnt making the children a priority. Then the next day she took the youngest to the hospital with a head injury and told him she didnt want him there. She said if he wouldnt make them a priority then she didnt want him in their lives. They argued some more and then thats when they suddenly started talking alot more Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.