Boyfriends contact with ex

[LucyJane84]

Were you having an affair with him hoping he would leave? Where does he live now? Your relationship is very new. You have no real say in how often and when and where he sees his own children.

 

The most important thing to take note of is that he wants to continue to be a family with his exgf and is trying to get back with her. Your role may be to keep him warm until then, and at some level you realize this.

 

No once i found out that he wasnt single he told me that he was leaving her. That he had felt things were over for sometime.

 

I no i have no say when it comes to the children but is it considered normal to be spending so much time with her whilst seeing them?

 

And how is he trying to get back with her when he isnt initiating any contact and only replies to her messaging him with small talk?

[MissCanuck]

No once i found out that he wasnt single he told me that he was leaving her. That he had felt things were over for sometime.

 

Unfortunately, you are very naive and gullible.

[LucyJane84]

But he did leave her though?

[LucyJane84]

Where does he live now?

He lives in the same place. He wasnt living with her. They were looking at places to move in together. She was/is living with her sister and he lives with an uncle in a small flat. I know they used to stay at his alot though as there is still alot of things in his bedroom including beds for the children

[irka000]

Charlierose, I am sorry to say this but I think he will return to his family. I think if you will stay, you are setting yourself for a heartache.

Looks like they are reconnecting and before you know,he may become distant with you.

I really hope I am wrong here but something tells me that this is not going to last unless you are willing to put up with a lot.

[LucyJane84]

Hes not initiating any contact though? Surely if he was actively trying to get back with her he would be initiating contact as well as responding to her?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this sounds more like an affair. He doesn't have to "initiate texts" because they see each other in person all the time.

He lives in the same place. They were looking at places to move in together. he lives with an uncle in a small flat. I know they used to stay at his alot though as there is still alot of things in his bedroom including beds for the children

[LucyJane84]

They dont see eachother in person all the time. They have only seen eachother twice since they split up. Infact in the last 4 months. And there was 3 weeks between each time

[MurphyB]

They dont see eachother in person all the time. They have only seen eachother twice since they split up. Infact in the last 4 months. And there was 3 weeks between each time

 

Sorry, I am totally confused. You said in your original post:

 

"Since then she has text him daily. He always responds. Sometimes instantly, other times when he thinks i dont realise what hes doing. Theyve been saying good morning everyday and asking how eachother is. It only seems like small talk and he doesnt seem to initiate at all, just respond to her.

 

Thats been going on for about a week. They have planned to spend next weekend together for one of the childrens birthdays, including taking them to his families house together."

 

?

[MurphyB]

Also do you really want to be with a guy who has come straight from a long term, serious relationship, with kids?

 

Do you not think a person in that situ needs time to move on from that partner and heal before starting a brand new relationship?

You're getting involved with someone who is probably emotionally all over the place.

 

It comes across to me, he was getting a bit bored, a fancy came along, now he's reflecting on what he could be throwing away.

And he should do. People get engaged/married, have kids and ten just throw it all away far too easily.

[LucyJane84]

They have only seen eachother twice. Since monday she has been texting him daily. They saw eachother on wednesday. But the last time they saw eachother before that was 3 weeks ago.

[MurphyB]

I think you are being incredibly naive here.

You are going to get very hurt if you continue seeing this guy.

 

Re-read all the posts in this thread over again.

[LucyJane84]

So the general consensus is that they are going to get back together? Maybe not in the next few days or weeks but everyones sure that it will happen?

[MurphyB]

So the general consensus is that they are going to get back together? Maybe not in the next few days or weeks but everyones sure that it will happen?

 

Yes. That or things won't work out for you and him as he's not in the right place emotionally to be able to grow a new/baggage-free relationship with you or anyone else for at least 6-12 months. Either way you are the one who is going to come out of this the worse for wear.

[MissCanuck]

So the general consensus is that they are going to get back together? Maybe not in the next few days or weeks but everyones sure that it will happen?

 

Yes.

 

And not that it's particularly relevant, but how do you know he never initiates messages with her, by the way?

[bluecastle]

None of us can tell you for sure if they're going to get back together—or, well, if they're even actually broken up. They were together a long time, have two kids. That is serious stuff to sort out. You, in all that? You are a speck of dust. Specks of dust get blown around in the wind. What you feel right now? Well, it's that. It's being blown around by very real winds that you willingly stepped into.

 

Honestly, even if he was legit done with her it would be weird if he was not in regular contact. They are raising children together. People who do that need to talk to each other, frequently. They have no system in place for co-parenting, and they need to sort that out. If you want to date him, at this stage in his life, you need to be 100 percent cool with that. You're not. If you want to date any man with children you need to understand that contact with an ex is par for the course. That's why you pick a man who has sorted all that out.

 

This is, I'm sorry, a big mess. But you know this.

[LucyJane84]

I dont know for sure that he doesnt initiate contact but as far as im aware he doesnt.

 

And regular contact about the children i understand, but just to text general small talk and ask how eachother is, and if or when hes working, how works going and talking about films theyre watching and things like that seems abit much. Plus whatever the speak about in person.

 

They are definitely broken up. He showed me the texts before. I cant remember word for word but it was along the lines of him telling her they were over because he needed space and time because his head was a mess and he had fallen out of love with her. But that you never know what the future holds. She asked him if there was anyone else and he said no and she asked him if there was anything they could do to try and rwsolve things and he said things should stay the way they are for now because he still needed his time.

[MurphyB]

 

He needed space and time because his head was a mess. But that you never know what the future holds. He said things should stay the way they are for now because he still needed his time.

 

Yep, he's a keeper.

 

Really OP?! Would you not value yourself a bit more and try and find a guy who is available to have a good relationship wth you? Why are you settling for a guy who is all over the shop?

[LucyJane84]

At the time i thought he was just trying to soften the blow. I also thought he was hiding me from her so as not to hurt her anymore than he already had

[MissCanuck]

I dont know for sure that he doesnt initiate contact but as far as im aware he doesnt.

 

Just like his fiancee wasn't aware their relationship was all but over when he started talking to you. Funny how that works.

 

In other words, you have no clue if he initiates or not. Do you honestly think he would tell you if he did?

 

You need to wake up. Give your head a shake. This guy has already shown you he is shady and will say whatever is necessary to get what he wants. He's playing you for an absolute fool.

[LucyJane84]

Shes text him a few times today and hes not replied at all.

[bluecastle]

Shes text him a few times today and hes not replied at all.

 

Which means what, to you? Are you soothed? Are you sitting back and enjoying the century's warmest romance?

 

He's got a load of unfinished business with her. This is fact. He has literally shown you the "breakup" texts, which roughly translate to: "Hey babe, we've got a load of unfinished business. Give me some time. We'll get it sorted out."

 

There are millions of men walking the earth who don't come with all this. He does. You are now probably more obsessed with his maybe-ex than he is, more emotionally connected to her than he is. Think about that. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

 

If the answer is yes, sit back and enjoy the ride. If the answer is no, splash some water across your face and chalk this up to hopes and hormones getting the best of your humanity for a hot second.

[Andrina]

You're so worried about if they will get back together, and yet not opening your eyes to what kind of man he is? He knocked up a woman twice without being financially able to set up a household for a family. Not even living together with her after the birth of the first child, and then he knocks her up again, still living apart, and you don't find that alarming?

 

He fell out of love? A decent man who has had children with a woman pulls out all of the stops before ending things, seeking couples counseling to try every avenue for the sake of the family unit. He puts in daily effort to keep the spark alive instead of allowing himself to fall out of love.

 

A decent man with a good moral compass finishes one relationship before starting another. An intelligent man waits at least a good year before dating after ending a relationship and concentrates on his children, getting them used to a new family dynamic.

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. What he did to her, he'll do to you. He will fall out of love with you because he's too lazy or whatever his reasons are, to keep the spark alive. He will start romancing another woman while still with you so that he always has new excitement going on in his life, never being serious enough to grow up.

 

He's the first man who has paid attention to you in a while so you'll just hop on for the ride? You're a passive participant in your life and that needs to stop for your own good. Yes, keep writing to this forum whenever you have questions like this until you can start making wiser decisions for yourself.

[LucyJane84]

He has literally shown you the "breakup" texts, which roughly translate to: "Hey babe, we've got a load of unfinished business. Give me some time. We'll get it sorted out."

 

So you think he always planned to go back to her? That basically they are just on a break?

[MurphyB]

You're so worried about if they will get back together, and yet not opening your eyes to what kind of man he is? He knocked up a woman twice without being financially able to set up a household for a family. Not even living together with her after the birth of the first child, and then he knocks her up again, still living apart, and you don't find that alarming?

 

He fell out of love? A decent man who has had children with a woman pulls out all of the stops before ending things, seeking couples counseling to try every avenue for the sake of the family unit. He puts in daily effort to keep the spark alive instead of allowing himself to fall out of love.

 

A decent man with a good moral compass finishes one relationship before starting another. An intelligent man waits at least a good year before dating after ending a relationship and concentrates on his children, getting them used to a new family dynamic.

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. What he did to her, he'll do to you. He will fall out of love with you because he's too lazy or whatever his reasons are, to keep the spark alive. He will start romancing another woman while still with you so that he always has new excitement going on in his life, never being serious enough to grow up.

 

He's the first man who has paid attention to you in a while so you'll just hop on for the ride? You're a passive participant in your life and that needs to stop for your own good. Yes, keep writing to this forum whenever you have questions like this until you can start making wiser decisions for yourself.

 

 

This. Listen to this OP. Andrina is bang on here.