boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Perhaps hes just scared she'll kick off or stop him seeing the children? Last week the werent having alot of contact until they got into an argument because she said he wasnt making the children a priority. Then the next day she took the youngest to the hospital with a head injury and told him she didnt want him there. She said if he wouldnt make them a priority then she didnt want him in their lives. They argued some more and then thats when they suddenly started talking alot more Are you trying to convince yourself he's not interested in being with her and his family anymore? Do you want him to be your boyfriend? Despite everything that's happened, you still want him with you? If so, why? Again, something besides "But I LOVE him!!" Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 No, im just trying to look at it from other possible angles. Obviously hes interested in the children. I wouldnt have expected any different Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 OP. Have you given any thought to the fact when the mother of his kids finds out about you and she will, she may confront you? You mentioned you work with this guy. It won’t take her long to find you who is seeing when he lets its slip. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 No, should i have? Link to comment
MurphyB Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Well they are engaged and have children. She doesn’t think he’s cheating on her which is essence is what he is doing. I personally would be a bit concerned about this. But that’s just me. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 The only "angle" I see is a guy whose family left for a short while. He wanted sex while they were gone so he approached you. He told you a story so you'd agree to give him what he was looking for. His family came back and since he had you available, he told his girlfriend he didn't want to be with her anymore. Then, for whatever reason he decided it would be fun to have you both, so he's communicating with her while hiding you. If it was truly over with her, he would tell her he was with you now and work with her on a schedule for time with the kids. He didn't do that, however; he's pretending to work instead of being honest with her about his involvement with you. This is not a stand up guy, but you seem to be trying to convince yourself he isn't a selfish, deceitful liar. And a poor father, if he's so willing to toss aside his family the minute they're gone just so he can have some fun. So, of course my next question is...are you going to tell him you're not interested in being involved in this situation and you're not going to see him outside of work anymore? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 But hes not cheating on her because they arent engaged anymore. He broke up with her. He could just not be telling her about me because he thinks itll hurt her or she'll kick off or stop him seeing the children. Its doesnt necessarily mean that its because he still wants her? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 But hes not cheating on her because they arent engaged anymore. He broke up with her. He could just not be telling her about me because he thinks itll hurt her or she'll kick off or stop him seeing the children. Its doesnt necessarily mean that its because he still wants her? Sounds like you want to continue to be involved with him. He's not going to stop what he's doing with her. So can you be fine with him being involved with the both of you? Are you OK with being his secret "girlfriend"? BTW, does anyone at work know the two of you are supposed to be in a relationship? Link to comment
Lambert Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 No, im just trying to look at it from other possible angles. Obviously hes interested in the children. I wouldnt have expected any different The only angle you should look at this through is your own and what it is doing to your own life. He is trying to have his cake and eat it, too. His actions are very immature and manipulative. I know, I have been blind in the past. And when I look back and am honest with myself, I see that I knew along I knew the little game they playing, but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted them to be what I WANTED THEM TO BE. And that just never works. If was not wanting her back, he would only be texting about the kids. He would not be trying to convince her he was not ignoring her. Again, another sign that things are not over for them. Why would either of them argue over that. That kind of argument is the old--"prove you love me" argument. He may have some interest in you. But whenever there is a 2nd woman involved, you must take your pride and go. If a person doubts picking you, the best is to remove the choice. Because the respect is not there. Respect is required to be happy and to feel loved. Once a person sees they can disrespect you and you will still be there, you have showed them that they are more important than you are to YOU. You always have to be your number 1 choice. Even when it hurts. He has forced your hand. You must stand your ground. The good news is: when you show a person you won't be disrespected, they will either respect you or go away. I am rooting for you!!! Take your power back.... Kick him to the curb. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 It was because he didnt reply to her texts this morning so she asked what she had done wrong because she thought he was being off with her. That they had been getting on all week and now suddenly he was ignoring her. No i dont want to be a secret or second best Yes our work mates know we are together. So does my family as i work with alot of them also and the others drink here. I dont know about his family or his mates that dont work with us Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Athough hes just been trying to convince her he hasnt ignored her today, thats its just that hes busy at work. I saw him texting. I think he forgets the mirror behind the bar at work so i can see what hes doing when hes stood with his back to it. I find it incredibly hard to believe that your vision is that good, OP. Sorry, but I am not buying what you're trying to sell here. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 It was because he didnt reply to her texts this morning so she asked what she had done wrong because she thought he was being off with her. That they had been getting on all week and now suddenly he was ignoring her. No i dont want to be a secret or second best Yes our work mates know we are together. So does my family as i work with alot of them also and the others drink here. I dont know about his family or his mates that dont work with us You sound determined to continue this. All I can do is tell you to prepare yourself for finding out (probably not from him) that they are actually together. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 I cant make out every word but i can get enough to piece it together Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I cant make out every word but i can get enough to piece it together How does that make you feel? Dating someone whose texts you feel you need to spy on? Why would you even want that? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 I dont feel i need to. None of it seems as though hes really doing anything wrong. Its just small talk. Its just the fact that its his ex that bothers me. Theyve only been broken up about 5 weeks. I wouldnt have expected them to be on good terms considering shes still in love with him Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 You seem determined to continue. I don't think anyone is going to tell you his contact with his ex is innocent and he's not trying to have the both of you. But that seems to be what you want to believe. Good luck. Hopefully you have a strong support system with family and friends because I think this guy is going to break your heart. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 So you dont think any part of him talking to her is ok? Even if its just small talk and hes not initiating any of it? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 It seems that way, that's why you are worrying about all this and trying to convince yourself, but he didn't initiate, but they don't see each other, but....but...So you think he always planned to go back to her? That basically they are just on a break? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I am taking it in. Hes a bad man whos still in love with his ex and im an idiot! Pretty much sums it up, no? You are making horrible choices due to your desperation, low self esteem, and loneliness. We have all told you this is a bad situation. I do not understand why you came here for advice. You keep on repeating the same question, over and over. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 She asked him about meeting tomorrow because he had said he was off, he has just replied now saying that he cant because hes working. Hes not. Im off tomorrow and have plans with him. So he's just lied to her that he cant see the children because hes working when actually hes supposed to be seeing me He sounds like Father of the Year! A real prize. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I cant make out every word but i can get enough to piece it together Eh, I still don't buy it. In any case, you now know what you're signing up for with this guy. I'm not sure why you're complaining about it at this point when it's clear you have no intention of walking away or believing he's capable of lying to you just as much as he lies to his ex. Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Im not complaining, and im starting to think that yes i am going to walk away. Im just trying to see it from every angle, every perspective that i can. To see if there are any redeemable qualities anywhere. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Im not complaining, and im starting to think that yes i am going to walk away. Im just trying to see it from every angle, every perspective that i can. To see if there are any redeemable qualities anywhere. There is only one angle: bad. Next time, do not get involved with people who are still involved with others- you should not be that type of woman. And, do not date someone who has not been out of a LTR relationship for at least a year. I would bet money that he will go back to her. I am thinking he wanted a little spice with you, to break up the monotony of his relationship. I just don't understand why you would go for any of this. Find someone who does not have kids or a gf/wife. OP, how would you advise your best friend if she were in this situation? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 So do you think then that if she hadnt been chasing after him trying to convince him to work things out that he wouldve already gone back to her by now. But hes in no rush because he knows shes there waiting for him? Link to comment
LucyJane84 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 I dont know how i would advise her. In clearly not qualified to be giving any kind of relationship advice Link to comment
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