Boyfriends contact with ex

[MurphyB]

Loads of people have answered every, single question you have asked (repeatedly).

 

You problem is you are not listening as they are not telling you what you want to hear.

 

Trying to get through to you is like banging one's head against a brick wall, reinforced with 20" steel.

 

I think you're just an attention-seeker or a troll.

[LucyJane84]

No the advice does make sense. And im not disputing that people have answered some of my questions but any others ive had, where ive tried to see things from a different point of view havent been answered. I just keep getting told that its because its not what i want to hear.

 

There is nothing specific i want to hear. Just peoples honest, brutal in some cases, opinions. On all aspects of my questions

[boltnrun]

Sigh...

Advice? Stop seeing this lying cheating selfish deadbeat because he is a low quality guy who wants to have 2 girlfriends and will do whatever it takes to keep them both.

 

Let me guess..."she's his EX GIRLFRIEND!!!"""

 

You are given advice but you come back with irrelevant pieces of info to try to argue against the advice you're given.

 

Now you'll say you're not arguing, you're just trying to get "different perspectives ".

 

And round and round it goes...

[j.man]

I'm not even going to bother going through all these pages. Frankly don't really care who's at fault for what. If you're only a few months into dating someone and you're finding yourself in a 200-post thread about issues with him, it's pretty safe to say you're not a good match. That's probably as safe a rule as you're gonna get.

[LucyJane84]

But its not irrelevant though, or atleast i dont think it is. Everyone here seems convinced shes still his girlfriend but shes not and no ones willing to answer the questions looking at it in that way. Everyone is saying he wants her back or is trying to get back with her or is still with her but no one will answer when i say i dont see how that could be the case. No one has even given an answer where theyve looked at it even just as a hypothetical. Im not just trying to get certain answers but i cant see how everyone has come to the conclusion that hes is trying to get her back when he doesnt seem bothered about seeing her and he doesnt initiate any contact. Its all coming from the fact that he is hiding the relationship from her

[bluecastle]

I'm not even going to bother going through all these pages. Frankly don't really care who's at fault for what. If you're only a few months into dating someone and you're finding yourself in a 200-post thread about issues with him, it's pretty safe to say you're not a good match. That's probably as safe a rule as you're gonna get.

 

Yup.

 

Though I'll offer a different spin: it is a perfect match, because he's giving you everything you want. You just don't realize what you want, because to spell it out would be ugly.

 

Want me to take a stab at it? You're unhappy in life, unhappy in your own skin, 22 and staring at the big, intimidating expanse that is the rest of your life. No more uni to mark the changes in seasons, and validate your you-ness with report cards and the like. Nope—just a big, vast sea of nothing and a flickering hope to start a business that feels almost impossible to make a reality.

 

And so a dude with a complicated life and some grade-A nuclear baggage worn like a headdress appeals to you right now. If someone abducted you on a corner, put a gun to your head, and asked you if you see this really working, you'd say, "No, of course not, I'm not an idiot!" But life doesn't work that way—and thank god, since it would be scary!—so for the time being you'll happily put yourself inside this emotional paper shredder. Doesn't give you much, doesn't feel good, but it does serve as an epic distraction from yourself.

 

I mean, brass tacks: if you cut him out of your life you'd have to inhabit yourself, your truth, learning to swim inside that big roiling sea of selfhood and adulthood. Many people spend their whole lives avoiding doing that. Some get into drugs, others treat people like drugs. You're flirting with the latter camp at the moment—inhaling hard on dirty the glass pipe that is this broken man and feeling more broken with each exhale. When and if you decide you'd like to feel something other than broken, this will lose its intrigue.

 

My few cents, to spend how you see fit.

[boltnrun]

That is NOT relevant.

 

Whether or not he wants her back, he cheated and lied. She went out of town with the kids and he cheated on her with you. He is currently lying to her about you, covering his tracks. He doesn't pay his own way and may not be supporting his children.

 

Whether or not he wants his ex back doesn't change any of that.

 

"But but but " doesn't change it either.

 

My advice will not change...this guy is bottom of the barrel. I recommend you stop seeing him.

[LucyJane84]

I get all that. But that still doesnt actually answer the question though of why people are coming to that conclusion

[boltnrun]

I get all that. But that still doesnt actually answer the question though of why people are coming to that conclusion

 

Really??

 

Because of what YOU wrote about him.

 

I give up.

 

You will probably be the only person on the planet who'll be surprised when you find out at some point that he's reconciled with his children's mother. I hope you have good friend (outside of work) and family support to help you through the heartbreak.

[RyanMI]

Okay, Lucy, I'm going with one of two options here:

 

1. You're a troll and this is all nonsense

 

2. You're actually honest and this is actually a real story.

 

IF you are #2 - than here; in the off (waaaay off...) chance he is not going to hookup with his ex again; he's still a cheater.

 

Cheaters are going to cheat as assuredly as scorpions are going to sting - so you can go ahead and follow this to its inevitable conclusion when it goes down in flames; or you can find someone who isn't going to waste you time.

 

And NO - it is not "normal" for a couple who have split and have kids for him to hide his girlfriend like a shameful, pathetic secret. And YOU should have a lot more dignity than to be some a$$hole's shameful, pathetic secret. And that holds true even if hypothetically he isn't hooking up with her.

[RyanMI]

Also, Lucy; assuming you're not a troll - here's the upshot -

 

1. YOU didn't cheat, you were just the person he cheated on with.

 

- You are taking a lot of flak for this, so I'm here to tell you: I've been you! Years ago I thought she was sleeping with me rather than him because we were in love and she was going to call it off with him but we accidentally put cart before horse... No, she was cheating on him with me and she cheated on me later on. This wasn't karma - it's just what cheaters do; they cheat. It has a very "what goes around comes around" vibe to it, but it's as sure as the rain, cheaters will cheat on you because they cheat on people. You're not special to them, you're just the new person they fall for until they get a crush on the next person and then off they go! Cheating again! It's an impulse thing, you can't fix them.

 

- Use this as a life-lesson, avoid getting emotionally or physically into guys in relationships; if they want to be with you or just plain not with their current situation, they can and should end it with their current partners BEFORE hand; like any decent person does. Why date a coward who can't be honest with even someone they don't even value enough to not cheat on? Seriously, dating a cowardly man is not what you should settle for.

 

2. YOU don't have children, he does (and you're crazy young!)

- You're child-baggage free and fresh out of University. For the love of God, go enjoy life and make something of it. You're going to very likely have a family of your own someday and can either have memories of travel/people/adventures while young, single and care-free; or you can just wish you did that rather than commit to a mistake with a coward with kids when you didn't have to.

 

3. YOU have a goal.

- You want to start a business. Great! Seriously, what kind of business? What would you like to do and what will be the first step to doing it? If you're unsure, I'll be happy to give my thought if you let me know.

- HE on the other hand has business and a goal - and that's his kids. Because once you have kids, they are your full-time job. And if he's failing at his full-time job, he's a loser and honestly, do you want to date a loser when you have plans to succeed?

 

 

So, I know you're getting a bit of flack on this thread, but please see it from a different perspective than "I like/love this guy". You're investing a lot of energy into what sounds like a dud of a relationship when the potential you have if you redirect that energy to your life/goals/youth would make so many people envious.

[LucyJane84]

Also, Lucy; assuming you're not a troll - here's the upshot -

 

1. YOU didn't cheat, you were just the person he cheated on with.

 

- Use that as a life-lesson, avoid getting emotionally or physically into guys in relationships; if they want to be with you or just plain not with their current situation, they can and should end it with their current partners BEFORE hand; like any decent person does. Why date a coward who can't be honest with even someone they don't even value enough to not cheat on? Seriously, dating a cowardly man is not what you should settle for.

 

2. YOU don't have children, he does (and you're crazy young!)

- You're child-baggage free and fresh out of University. For the love of God, go enjoy life and make something of it. You're going to very likely have a family of your own someday and can either have memories of travel/people/adventures while young, single and care-free; or you can just wish you did that rather than commit to a mistake with a coward with kids when you didn't have to.

 

3. YOU have a goal.

- You want to start a business. Great! Seriously, what kind of business? What would you like to do and what will be the first step to doing it? If you're unsure, I'll be happy to give my thought if you let me know.

- HE on the other hand has business and a goal - and that's his kids. Because once you have kids, they are your full-time job. And if he's failing at his full-time job, he's a loser and honestly, do you want to date a loser when you have plans to succeed?

 

 

So, I know you're getting a bit of flack on this thread, but please see it from a different perspective than "I like/love this guy". You're investing a lot of energy into what sounds like a dud of a relationship when the potential you have if you redirect that energy to your life/goals/youth would make so many people envious.

 

Thank you!

[RyanMI]

No problem - now honestly, go live your best life and that means not having to feel insecure in a relationship with a guy who has kids and an ex he's keeping you a secret from. That last part alone is reason enough to grow some respect for yourself, leave him and carry that newfound respect with you to avoid all other cheating a##holes moving forward as a rule.

 

You have no idea how many guys you are going to meet that will break your heart (and vice-versa); don't let it happen when it's this easily avoidable

[LucyJane84]

No problem - now honestly, go live your best life and that means not having to feel insecure in a relationship with a guy who has kids and an ex he's keeping you a secret from. That last part alone is reason enough to grow some respect for yourself, leave him

 

So him hiding the relationship from her really is that big of a deal?

 

And i will do. I planned to leave him anyway. I just had some questions still but just kept ending up going round in circles on here because no one was really answering them. So thank you!

[HeartGoesOn]

I just had some questions still but just kept ending up going round in circles on here because no one was really answering them. So thank you!

 

Well Lucy, If that's how you feel, maybe it's time for you to step out of the spotlight and close this thread?

[RyanMI]

If he honestly, truly cares for you as a lover and her as the mother of his children; he'd be honest to you and her about your existence.

 

If he's keeping you a secret, he's not imagining you will exist much longer anyways as a relationship. Honestly, if he's saying he's shielding her feelings, he's lying - you tell me what is a worse thing for her to hear:

 

"I fell in love with someone else" or "I fell in love with someone else... months ago"

 

Hands down it's the second one. So realistically, cut it off with him before he cuts it off with you.

 

 

Do you know what a Moped is? Here in the United States most guys drive motorcycles and Mopeds are seen as silly; so much so, it has been used as slang for a person you're hooking up with but don't want anyone to find out about.

 

Mopeds are, "fun to ride but you don't want anyone to know"

 

Don't settle for some jerk treating you like his Moped.

[MissCanuck]

No you didn't. You started up a whole other thread under another username which was insanely similar to this one, but written from the current kid's mother POV. Aka you BF's partner.

Then you got sprung and fessed up, whilst constantly claiming that one minute you were writing as the GF and then next the EX.

 

And now you are just asking for the same advice which is already posted/answered in this thread between pages 1-14 or whatever.

 

Weirdest thing I have seen on a forum in years.

 

I happened to see her story posted on another forum. According to that one, she's already broken up with the boyfriend in question.

 

Me thinks someone is lonely and enjoys the attention online.

[LucyJane84]

If he honestly, truly cares for you as a lover and her as the mother of his children; he'd be honest to you and her about your existence.

 

If he's keeping you a secret, he's not imagining you will exist much longer anyways as a relationship. Honestly, if he's saying he's shielding her feelings, he's lying - you tell me what is a worse thing for her to hear:

 

"I fell in love with someone else" or "I fell in love with someone else... months ago"

 

Hands down it's the second one. So realistically, cut it off with him before he cuts it off with you.

Thank you for actually answering my questions instead of spinning me in circles with smart comments or trying to tear into me.

 

Well Lucy, If that's how you feel, maybe it's time for you to step out of the spotlight and close this thread?

Yes. This thread can be closed now. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Not surprising. When he's off with his gf/babymama, she's bored.

I happened to see her story posted on another forum. According to that one, she's already broken up with the boyfriend in question. Me thinks someone is lonely and enjoys the attention online.

[HeartGoesOn]

This thread has run its course...Closed.